An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

This is a mommyblog, so it had to be addressed at some point

On Saturday afternoon after dropping Leta off at her friend’s birthday party I drove Marlo up to a birthday party as well, one thrown by my friend Rachel for her daughter Georgia. Marlo isn’t close friends with Georgia, but does that really matter when Queen Elsa would be in attendance? Did that just make you shudder? Elsa. Ellllssssaaaaaaa. From now on no one is allowed to say that name out loud unless their hand is inside the puppet of a snake with googly eyes and they are using an exaggerated lisp. 

I’m going to take pity on you and refrain from linking to anything that has to do with the movie Frozen. Except for this. Because this will not ever stop being funny:

(Click on it to turn on the sound.)

If that makes no sense to you because you are insulated from the TOTAL CONSUMING MADNESS that is this movie, go here.

Whoever wrote that movie and those songs had to have made some sort of deal with the devil because I know of six-month-old babies who instantly perk up and start singing the words when they hear anything from that soundtrack. This movie hit kids and spread like the plague, and I bet your child has attended one if not several Frozen-themed birthday parties in the last few months. And they loved every minute of it, right? They did and you indulged them and we, you and I, we deserve a cookie for not flinging whatever device they are using to watch that movie ONE MORE DAMN TIME out a two-story window, shrugging our shoulders and calmly explaining, “She did just tell me to let it go.”

Rachel found a local woman who looks remarkably like ELLLTHHHSSSSAAAAA (think: snake with googly eyes) to show up in costume and wow the kids. And did she. She talked and interacted with them as the character would, and then she sang “the song” in her own voice as perfectly as if it had been written for her. We showed up just as she turned the backing music on, and after picking her jaw up off the floor Marlo clutched my arm, pulled me to her face and shout-whispered, “I TOLD YOU SHE WAS REAL.”

That morning she and asked me for the hundredth time, “Is it going to be a real Elsa or a fake one?”

I had to consider my answer very carefully. “Well, it’s not going to be a cartoon.”

“So, a real one?” she pushed.

“I don’t know, Marlo!” I answered trying to build the excitement.

Leta was sitting a few feet away with her head in a book when she looked up. “Is an actual person showing up?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, and then I mouthed these words while miming them: “A PERSON DRESSED AS ELSA.”

“Mom,” Leta said with the tone you would address a woman who has come out of the bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of the top of her pantyhose. “You do realize that she could have seen you.”

“Yes,” I answered out loud. “But she didn’t. And we do not know if it is the real Elsa, now do we?”

You want to know why I love age ten so much? Because Leta then mouthed and mimed back to me, “YES. WE DO. IT IS A PERSON DRESSED AS ELSA.”

Turns out that was real enough. Because usually in these situations when Marlo doesn’t know anyone very well, she’s my shadow and clings to my leg the entire time. Saturday afternoon I barely saw her for over three hours and had to physically drag her away from that party. This woman not only looked like Elsa, she could sing and be cordial with kids AND she could paint faces like no one’s business. 

elsa1

elsa2

elsa3

I pulled Rachel aside halfway through and joked that this woman had to be Mormon because God had given her an unfair share of talent. She can sing! She can dance! She can speak 14 languages! She can crochet top hats for orphaned mice! WHAT CAN SHE NOT DO? 

Oh, right. Drink coffee. She can’t drink coffee. Phew!

50 Comments
  • cutemonster

    2014/04/08 at 8:22 am

    That young woman’s resemblance to the cartoon version of Elsa is quite amazing and perhaps a bit unsettling too. The Frozen Effect continues unabated. – Vincent

  • The Absent Minded Housewife

    2014/04/08 at 8:22 am

    I have an urge to face paint a tiger onto John Travolta.

  • Lindzgrl

    2014/04/08 at 8:26 am

    Yeah, that’s an almost uncanny resemblance! She’d be a shoo-in to work in one of the Disney parks, which I hear is actually a pretty amazing experience.

  • Bird on a Beverly

    2014/04/08 at 8:27 am

    Cosplayerrrrrrs! We’re scary like that.

  • Jared Robinson

    2014/04/08 at 8:57 am

    Is that her real hair? Is that her real eye color? On the one hand, I’m so happy for Marlo. I’m a dad too and I know what it’s like to be there on those occasions when your child is well and truly awe struck. On the other hand, this young woman’s resemblance to the character is so uncannily complete as to almost be surreal.

  • Jelena Milojevic

    2014/04/08 at 9:07 am

    I know I will totally like ruin my street cred by saying this and/or be told to never, ever, in my whole life, under punishment of Radiohead sing-a-long marathon, write anything ever again on this blog, but (you know what’s coming, right…?):

    I. Like. Frozen.

    I like the fact that my 12 year old, my 5 year old and my belt out “In Summer” -completely out of tune of course – when I drive them to school. I cry a little bit every time Anna says “Oookkkk,byyyy” to Elsa because she sounds just like my little one when she’s sad. I love that we all curl up on a bed before bedtime and watch the facking movie for a 1,458,783 time, including my husband. I love “Let it Go” animation so much that I pretend I can also
    do all that when no one is watching. I love to say “tick-tock-tick-tock” in that funny twist-your-tongue kind of way. I love that silly Swen. Swen is the coolest reindeer ever. I mean, Rudolf
    who?

    I can go on, and on, and on, and on, and on…but I like you, so I won’t.

    And Rachel, if your eyes are really that blue and are not created by magic of contact lenses, then fuck – life really is not fair at all…

  • jodi

    2014/04/08 at 9:14 am

    I should of got an elsa instead of a complicated mystery game 😉

  • Torchness

    2014/04/08 at 9:16 am

    Okay, so. Please don’t hurt me, everybody. But we saw the movie, and the plot…wasn’t there. I was so disappointed. Not the biggest fan. I’m sorry! *ducks*

  • Joanna Sequeira

    2014/04/08 at 9:36 am

    Let it gooooooooooooooooooooo…. Let it gooooooooooooooo…. I’ve watched the movie about 18 times and still cannot tell you the rest of the song. And of course, OF COURSE, my two year old loves the movie and everyone feels like gifting her Frozen movies/stuff. I have mentioned in no uncertain terms is anybody allowed to give her the soundtrack, if they even think about it they will die. We’ll see if the grand-mom’s actually listen.
    I do have to admit, I liked it… liked only because it’s reached that if I have to watch it again I may poke my eyes out levels.
    And she really does look like Elsa and her face painting technique is spot on, and God really is unfair in the good genes game.

  • Fantasyland

    2014/04/08 at 9:41 am

    Umm, “Whoever wrote that movie and those songs” would be none other than Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, creators of the worldwide smash-hit Broadway musicals “Avenue Q” and “The Book of Mormon.” Of course they made a deal with the devil.

  • Rrrandall

    2014/04/08 at 9:59 am

    Or maybe a bear?

  • MojoMark

    2014/04/08 at 10:03 am

    Makes me wanna build a snowman

  • Michelle S

    2014/04/08 at 10:03 am

    Elsa had to wear ice-blue contacts, but Marlo has the real thing! Lovely pics. <3

  • Kaycee

    2014/04/08 at 11:04 am

    It could be one of Elsa’s elves. She sends them if she is too busy making toys to leave her Ice Castle.

  • JenniferW2323

    2014/04/08 at 11:14 am

    Isn’t she lovely! Remarkably like the character. I have a 15 year old son, and watched that movie that EVERYONE was talking about. It was sweet.

    I’ve also discovered that my niece is a fan. A friend of their family sent my niece some ladies evening gloves, and my sister-in-law shared an adorable photo of her with her arms outstretched with too-big-for-her-hands gloves on.

  • Rachel

    2014/04/08 at 11:19 am

    I don’t care what you say – I love Frozen as much as my kids. Do you want to build a snowman?

  • Jen Moore

    2014/04/08 at 12:15 pm

    Ha ha

  • KC

    2014/04/08 at 12:19 pm

    I loved Frozen too, but dang if those songs don’t get stuck in your head for days!

    Marlo looks adorable. That kid is too funny 🙂

  • Jen Moore

    2014/04/08 at 12:19 pm

    We recently named our new dog Elsah (did not know about the Frozen phenomenon). Now kids come up to pet the dog and find out her name and their eyes GET HUGE and then they exclaim, “like Queen Elsa!” I don’t have the heart to break it to them that it’s not about the movie but the small town where my husband and I met 25 years ago.

  • Lauren3

    2014/04/08 at 12:51 pm

    Love that last pic of ‘lil Chipped Tooth Bobo.

  • Kodi

    2014/04/08 at 3:43 pm

    Holy shit, even I believe it’s the real Elsa — could she be any more true to character?

  • kmpinkel

    2014/04/08 at 4:37 pm

    I took my 6 year old son to Target to get one of those little stuffed animals with the ginormous eyes. He had to have another one, but its his money, so hey, why not? He turned the corner and saw the “Frozen” dvd and dropped all ideas of the stuffed animal and blew his $20 on this movie. I have 12 year old and 5 year old daughters, but my son is the one who had to have it. cracks me up, of course the 5 year old is the only one watching it.

  • talonsage

    2014/04/08 at 5:37 pm

    Ughhhhhhhhh!! I feeeeel your pain!! My husband loves that stupid movie I suspect more than my daughter. I think it’s okay, but only okay. But I’m sick of it and I want to cold-cock him every time he tries to pull a Frozen out of his mouth. (Important Information: The man cannot carry a tune in a bucket, nor can he be bothered to get quotes CORRECT. Both drive me IN.SANE.

    I am SO over it and I never even bothered to see it in the theater. HE, on the other hand took our 14 year old daughter and 8 year old niece to a matinee just last Wednesday.

    I took a nap.

  • Gem Wilder

    2014/04/08 at 5:41 pm

    My husband sat down to watch Frozen with our toddler. He lasted one song before he started fast-forwarding through every musical number.

  • Tasha Batsford

    2014/04/08 at 5:56 pm

    Just out of the corner of my eye there I thought Elsa was doodling on Marlo’s face … and not in a nice way. I think that tells you everything you need to know about my view of that film.

  • faydean

    2014/04/08 at 6:29 pm

    We just now saw Frozen because we never go to a theater any more…we have huge tvs and a pull down projector and thousands of movies here…and I hate people, so there’s that. Anyway, both my girls had been hearing about Frozen (and THAT song) for months. Both had decided, without ever seeing it, that they HATED it with a passion. I wasn’t too keen about it either from what I’d seen and heard. But, needless to say, my husband ordered the stupid thing and we watched it. The 9 year old was lukewarm on it. My husband thought it was “typical modern Disney”, but my older daughter and I LOATHED it. It actually grated on my nerves so bad I nearly didn’t make it all the way through watching. But then again, I am that one parent who does NOT want to take her kids to Disneyworld. In fact, the idea comes as close to being tortured that I can think of. I LOVE old school Disney…Snow White, Bambi, Lady and the Tramp. I love old Mickey Mouse and Donald…and even old school Disneyworld, circa 1952-1965. I started falling off the Disney radar however right around Beauty and the Beast and all those shows where tween girls dress like sluts and end up in rehab after selling millions of dollars in Disney merchandise. I have NO clue was to why this movie is so popular. Out of all the other overrated Disney princess crap churned out over the past 20 years, this, by far, is the worst one. Yet…there is the song every other second and merchandise on every store shelf. Oh, wait a sec…now I understand why it’s so popular! Disney has cast a spell on a nation hungry for Chinese made bedazzled junk and out of work Broadway singers dubbing for computer generated princesses whose parents (or mother typically) always DIE!!!!!!!!!!

  • allconsuming

    2014/04/08 at 7:07 pm

    I have four boys. All I know about Frozen is that it was a movie out over Christmas. Envy me at your leisure.

  • Alexsulliv

    2014/04/08 at 7:16 pm

    Whoa, is it me or is this Marlo grown-up?! Of course she would have to poison her hair with chemicals to get it that blonde but she has the blue eyes, imagination, free spirit and more importantly that dimple to seal the deal as a lifetime Elsa at Disney!

  • Teal

    2014/04/08 at 8:55 pm

    That last picture just about made my non-childbearing ovaries explode!

  • Blu

    2014/04/08 at 8:56 pm

    Somebody needs a cookie.

  • faydean

    2014/04/08 at 9:01 pm

    Make it chocolate chip. Thanks.

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 12:53 am

    Sheesh!

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 12:56 am

    🙂 nope. nope. I’m a hair and makeup artist, so I specialize in transforming myself.Thanks!

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 12:56 am

    ^^^best response ever^^^

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 12:57 am

    Rest assured… I tried a zillion different contact lenses before I found some that I loved.

  • Jelena Milojevic

    2014/04/09 at 6:28 am

    Wops, did I call you Rachel…? Sorry, Katrina darling, my brain was taking a leave of its senses yesterday!
    In any case you look stunning, job superbly done! And thank you for clarifying this – for some reason it makes me feel better :)!

  • Jared Robinson

    2014/04/09 at 8:37 am

    Well, your skill and talent are unquestionable at this point. Keep up the spectacular work and if you ever decide you want to give software testing a try, give me shout. We can always use someone with your attention to detail. 🙂

  • August

    2014/04/09 at 9:15 am

    I thought I would feel the same way after listening to Frozen in the car about six times on a road trip to California. We bought it for the road trip because our kids hadn’t seen it yet, so it would keep them entertained, and they watched it again and again. So after listening to it, I thought, plus all the hype, I thought I would hate it. But I actually kind of like it. I don’t think the music is all it’s cracked up to be, but it’s fun and even my boys sing along with it.

  • August

    2014/04/09 at 9:19 am

    Not everyone has to “poison” their hair to get it that blonde. My cousin has platinum blonde hair just that color that is completely natural.

  • Alexsulliv

    2014/04/09 at 9:32 am

    Obviously that color occurs naturally, I was only referring to Marlo as she doesn’t have that blonde a hair color 🙂

  • Jenn

    2014/04/09 at 9:53 am

    Since you’re not a big Disney fan (I’m assuming? hehe) I’ll let it slide that Disney World wasn’t around circa 1952-1965 but Disneyland was. I’ll send over a batch of warm choc chip cookies though 🙂

  • Andrea

    2014/04/09 at 9:59 am

    you DID a FABULOUS job recreating yourself!!!!!! WOW!!! And I’m sorry everyone but I like the movie too and the soundtrack. BUT Brave is still my favourite!

  • faydean

    2014/04/09 at 10:17 am

    Dangit, I knew that! We just watched a really cool documentary about Disneyland that came on the Saving Mr. Banks DVD. I stand corrected. Sorry to all the sensitive Disney people, but you must admit, Walt would be hiding in his vault over some of the stuff modern Disney does! Call me old fashioned, but I miss real animation. Though I could do without all Disney movies making mothers die or be evil, lol. And don’t even get me started on the subliminal messages! LOL

  • faydean

    2014/04/09 at 10:17 am

    I can not wait to tell my 9 year old that I pissed Elsa off!!

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 10:37 am

    Nah. I don’t “piss off” easily. I’m a princess, remember? :D.
    Just a lot of unnecessary negative feelings and energy wasted on something meant to be fun and overall positive. Just… Sheesh! Must be rough to be so agitated!

  • Katrina Fisher Nelson

    2014/04/09 at 10:38 am

    Thanks so much! 🙂

  • faydean

    2014/04/09 at 11:29 am

    Not really agitated. Just don’t like Frozen, nor the Disney machine of today. To each his own. My girls both dressed like princesses and the Little Mermaid for years when they were younger. Thankfully, that phase is phasing out. It was sweet for a time…and we saw them skate on ice like a million other little girls etc. I was a much bigger fan of Brave…a girl with a bow and arrow, now that’s something I get into. Ice? Doesn’t really do it for me. Maybe I just hate winter?

  • Heather Armstrong

    2014/04/09 at 12:38 pm

    You were so amazing! And the fact that you crochet? Fantastic. Thanks for the great time you provided my daughter. She is still in awe.

  • Evsmarie

    2014/04/09 at 10:05 pm

    Apparently I was living under a large rock, because after we named our youngest daughter Elsa in February, I received a text from my hubby wondering if we had just named our poor child after a Disney character. I was all, “Wha?” A quick Google later and I was banging my head against the hospital bed. I have loved the name since 2004. Disney can kiss my sagging butt. We heart the movie around here, but I am only two months into this child and I’m already tired of the, “after Frozen?” questions.

  • Odette Roulette

    2014/04/10 at 4:09 pm

    I have to say … if I have to see a reenactment of the entire movie from beginning to end by my six year and her friends one more time, I might start crying. I’m already screaming on the inside. Worse, I found MYSELF humming “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” the other day. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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