An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

For those of us who are allergic to costumes

My friends know that if they ever invite me over to a Halloween party that I will come dressed as That Woman Who Blogs. I just can’t handle putting on a costume and walking around in it, something about it makes me break out in hives. And given the state of female Halloween costumes these days, I’d walk in looking like a prostitute with a rash.

The girls both asked me to dress up this year when we go trick-or-treating, and through gritted teeth I said I’d oblige. So that got me thinking: what’s practical? What is something I’d be comfortable wearing? Could I come up with something that would fit into my normal wardrobe after Halloween comes and goes? Here are two ideas for those of you like me who refuse to put fake blood on your face and shove vampire teeth into your mouth, and as an added bonus neither of them are as degrading as “Sexy Snow White.”

1. Esley In The Details Dress $48.75

2. Faux Fur Stripe Coat $55.58

3. Big Felt Floppy Hat $52

4. Stephan & Co. Beaded Head Wrap $16

5. 1928 Pearl Drop Earrings $17.95

6. Glass Pearl Extra Long Strand Necklace $48

7. Michael Antonion Javix Dress Sandal $19.97

8. Essie Jelly Apple Nail Lacquer $8

9. AEO Factory Chambray Shirt $33.71

10. Red and White Polka Dot Scarf Kerchief $5.71

11. H&M Super Skinny High Waisted Jegging $19.95

12. Butter London Lippy Liquid Lipstick $18

13. American Rag Bunkker Short Combat Boot $59.99

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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