An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Every holiday is Christmas to a certain kid

Marlo has been talking about Halloween almost as much as she talks about her birthday. Once a day she’ll mention that her birthday is next week, and while that’s adorable at some point you kind of have to wonder if she’s just being hopeful or has no concept whatsoever as to how time works. Because every time I tell her, no, it’s not until next June she says, “Right. That’s next week.”

Halloween decorations have been going up all over the neighborhood, and she shrieks with delight every time we pass a house with a ghost or a witch in the front yard. I don’t normally decorate the house for Halloween or for the change of seasons, but I’m going to indulge her this year. We went shopping for pumpkins over the weekend which is a good place to start, but then I decided to look for things that aren’t super cheesy or gaudy. I might even break out a box of cake mix, bake some cupcakes and accidentally set the house on fire let her go to town with some edible Halloween-themed toppers. Because ghosts and corpses and women stressed as slutty vampires deserve to be celebrated!

1. Bronze Skull Candy Bowl $27.95

2. All Black Milk Chocolate M&M’s $12

3. Bone Cocktail Picks $9.99

4. Onyx Cut Cocktail Shaker $39.95

5. Halloween Graffiti Accent Pillow $34

6. Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas $9.99

7. Palmistry Hand Kit $14.98

8. Rosanna Rococo Black Cake Stand $42.47

9. Sisley Black Tuberose Candle $70.20

10. Snake Spreader $9.99

11. Black Edible Stars $5.99

12. Classic Ouija Board Game $20.64

13. Halloween Cocktail Napkins $3.49

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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