the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Holiday for the Kids, 2014

So, the shopping cart is perfect “if your kids want to pretend they are homeless” (thank you, Jared, for that helpful observation). And the harmonica and piano are for parents who don’t mind living totally miserable lives. We all have differing thresholds, and I tried to cover a wide array of them here. What this really needs to be is an invitation to a 12-step program to wean oneself off of Minecraft. Marlo would go into convulsions if she couldn’t get her daily fix.

“Mom, come look at the house I built.”

“Why does that just look like a whole bunch of squares?”


1. Hanna Anderrsson Long Johns $46

2. Oeuf Pirate Pillow $68

3. Red Kendama $11.43

4. Wooden Storage Box $24.95

5. Schoenhut My First Piano $59.99

6. Plan Toys Kitchen and Breakfast Set $100

7. Harmonica $9.61

8. Minnetonka Fring Bootie $21.95

9. Oeuf Chalkboard Set of Three $149

10. Diamond Rattle $6.95

11. Circus Play Tent $26.98

12. The Creature Vault: The Creatures and Plants of the Harry Potter Films $27

13. The Hogwarts Library $21.13

14. Vilac Metal Car $137.67

15. Melissa & Doug Shopping Cart $49.99

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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