Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

I put words on my blog

I have exactly one hour to sit down in front of this screen and type words into a browser, and because of that squeeze I’m experiencing the same panic-inducing anxiety that I developed over the last year or two when it came to updating this website. I desperately miss writing about my life and all the fucking absurdities that wiggle their way into almost every hour of it, but when a window of opportunity presents itself to do so I start to feel sick. And I’m feeling that way now, so excuse me and let me use two minutes to imitate the sound Marlo makes when she’s trying to convince me that she’s too ill to go to school. Oh, and I’ll also refuse to put on my shoes and throw my backpack across the room. And somehow blame Leta.

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Coco is lonely without Chuck, has revealed a slightly more dour side to her personality. But what I have realized about her through Chuck’s absence is how good she is. Coco is a great dog. Phenomenal, even. I thought I knew this before, but I did not know this in any way whatsoever. I was an unknowing Coco Denier.

She’s gentle with kids, always happy to greet everyone (after the initial TSA-like screening if TSA probed your ass for any potential threat), obeys every command, watches over my girls as if they are her job, and never lifts her leg to pee on the couch because she’s feeling vindictive. 

Although, whenever I look at the stains on my gorgeous Jonathan Adler Couch THAT I GOT FOR FREE BECAUSE OF MY BLOG YES OH YES AND I AM NOT ABOUT TO APOLOGIZE, I always experience a deep pang of sadness, never resentment. I’m hopeful that these pangs will eventually make me smile because those stains are the physical manifestation of Chuck’s gift to the world, his unparalleled ability as a dog to totally fuck with you.

Dane stopped by earlier this month to spend some time with Coco, a feast of attention she lapped up in squeals and shrieks and screeches of pure joy. Dane was and is by far Coco’s dearest friend.

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He headed to Australia earlier this month for an internship through the Hinckley Institute of Politics, an endeavor that makes me even more proud of what he has overcome and endured, if that was possible in the first place. He’s participated in internships in Germany and Washington D.C., in places far away and lacking the comfort of the support system he has here. He like many of us suffers from an occasional debilitating darkness that can steal the ambition, the desire and, most devastatingly, the ability to enjoy these kinds of adventures. And here he is grabbing them, jumping in with abandon.

Ah, fall equinox. This could explain some of my anxiety.

He’s cataloging his experiences here if you’d like to follow along. It’s his way of keeping people updated if they want help offset the cost of this leg of the journey toward his eventual career. I love this kid so much.

Before he left I shared with him one of the many things I learned during the almost eight days I spent in Australia. Which was, dude. You are soooo going to wonder why the hell everyone is driving so slow. Like, serious goddamn turtles who just got stoned. You think you have bad road rage? My road rage will make your road rage look like Grandma’s vanilla pudding, Francis. Add that anger to the stress of figuring out how to drive on the wrong side of the car and the wrong side of the road and I must have looked like I was lip syncing satanic-inspired death metal behind that wheel.

Except, I guess THEY HAVE CAMERAS, DANE. And they are watching you. And apparently I’m going to get a hundred tickets in the mail because if they catch you with that camera going even one kilometer over the speed limit they get real pissed and send you a ticket. One. That’s the loneliest number, Dane. That’s the number just above zero. I can’t even eat just one Lay’s potato chip, and they expect me to obey a speed limit like I’m limited to less than one fucking potato chip.

Stop rationing potato chips AUSTRALIA.

Maybe if I blog about their Department of Transport they’ll waive whatever I’m gonna owe. What? I’m a mommy blogger. This shit happens all the time.

  • Marie McDowell

    I’m sorry the writing makes you feel sick, but I want you to know how very happy it makes me when there is a new post from you! I miss you and enjoy every post like it is the last potato chip!!

  • KimFunk

    Good one! I think about Coco a lot while watching my two dogs be nutz with each other. I figure I’ll have to take an extended leave of absence when Sonic heads to that rainbow bridge thing to help Spooky survive the loss.

    It was good to hear from you today.

  • americanrecluse

    Yay! A Dane post! I was just wondering about him the other day.

  • onthegomom

    OMG… Dane looks so grown up in this picture! So good to hear he’s doing so well. <3

  • Laura Bennett

    I’ve been having a bit of a rough time emotionally (nothing like major depression or anxiety this time, thankfully), and I remembered your warnings about September. Thanks for everything you share

  • Bee Butler

    If it makes you feel any better, your writing is one of the things that gets me through this time of year. Damn the fucking equinox. My skin is crawling and all I want to do is sleep and cry. I’m so sorry for every pang in your heart because your sweet puppy is gone. I promise, it gets better. I lost mine after 13 years, and I’m slowly starting to heal.

  • When you wrote “unknowing Coco denier” I thought it was “unknowing cock denier” and I thought there’s some good mummyblogging shit right there.

    Sending chips. Just keep the fuck writing would you everything got boring.

  • Write when you feel like it and EAT ALL THE CHIPS xx

  • Sandy

    Wait, what?

  • KathyB

    Fall equinox hit me with the happy stick yesterday. Seriously jazzed and nearly manic. Don’t know when that has ever happened before. I’ll take it and be thankful.

    Thank you for the post. Coco likes being the center of attention even though grieving for Chuck. And Dane, in for such a wonderful experience in Australia.

  • I may have only read your blog a few times. I have also recently read a few articles on you quitting and all I can say is do not stop and keep going with what you love without losing yourself.
    Hugs V x

  • Raymi Lauren

    chill out babe. do art. you got this. #lifers.

  • Raymi Lauren

    i cant believe i havent been reading you for longer consistently. so many passages here i am digging on.