An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

My favorite delivery just in time for one of the biggest changes in my life

It’s been over three weeks since I sat down to write anything on this website and I’d love to claim that it is because of total abject laziness so that I would be adhering to dooce® brand guidelines. Alas, no. It is because I spent over 20 days moving house. For those who didn’t read my post about it on Facebook, well. Oops. There it is. The girls and I have moved in with my partner, and we couldn’t be happier about it. Well, that’s not true. Marlo would be a tiny bit happier if this house came with a built-in Corgi, but I told her she had to wait for Christmas. In the year 2050.

Coincidentally, the Fall FabFitFun box arrived right in the middle of the move, and it felt a bit like I’d sent myself a personal housewarming gift that screamed SIT DOWN FOR TWO SECONDS ALREADY—as I get older I become more and more like my mother whose children used to give each other a look that said, “She’s cleaning today, take cover.” So today’s post is in partnership with FabFitFun, and they are offering dooce readers $10 of your first box with coupon code DOOCE10 at fabfitfun.com. You have to act fast because each season’s box tends to sell out. It retails for $49.99 but always has a value over $200.

First up: The reason I talked about moving on Facebook before I wrote about it here is because I was literally between car loads—that’s how the majority of this move has been done, in my car—when I realized that I was going to have to record an episode of my podcast that afternoon. And I was like, how do I talk about anything right now other than boxes, boxes, boxes, bins, bins, bins, boxes, stray plastic hangers, Marlo’s collection of Hi-Chew wrappers, bins, bins, and why have I been lugging around this tin of nutritional yeast flakes that expired in 2012? The seven cans of black beans I found in the “healthy food” drawer were around to witness the end of the Cold War.

I didn’t know if/when/how I was going to talk about this, didn’t really have the time to sit down and properly talk about it, didn’t want to violate the privacy of the people with whom we are now sharing a home, and then didn’t know how the hell I was going to write about my life without saying: Hi! I am in a healthy, loving relationship with someone who is good to me and to my kids. The is a huge step for all of us and affects almost every aspect of our daily lives.

I think that says enough for now.

So I jotted it down quickly, ran back to the old house to grab boxes full of Marlo’s very important mismatched Barbie shoes, and then posted the relatively brief update to Facebook right before heading back out to load the car with Marlo’s detritus again. People have been hugely supportive despite not knowing all the details, and I am so grateful for that. And can I just say this: HOLY JOE JONAS ON A JEAN JACKET. My life and your life and his life and her life and their life, all of our lives. We all have so much going on that not many people know about. Things we can’t talk about. So many things. All of us do. And I think if we reminded ourselves of this and extended a generosity to people that basically communicated, “You probably have some crazy, complicated things going on in your life right now that you either can’t or don’t want to talk about. So do I! High five!” that people would send far fewer late night, drunken, passive-aggressive emails that they probably shouldn’t be sending you since they once threatened to murder you.

Was that vague enough? True story! Excellent! High five!

Whose ready for some self care? Me! I am ready to sit down for two seconds.

GLAMGLOW Bubblesheet Oxygenating Deep Cleanse Mask

Given that everything concerning facial cleansing that I have received from FabFitFun has turned out to be a product that I have permanently added to my weekly routine, I am certain that these will be no different. Hopefully these will reduce the inflammation under my eyes from all the crying I did last night over 4th grade math homework. Me, not Marlo. Me.

Beautyblender

Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember when girls in high school would show up and you could see the line of their orangish foundation along the underside of their cheeks and chin. Those were good times. Good, super ugly times.

Skin & Co Blue in Capri Shower Gel

I forgot to pack the girls’ shower products and when Marlo took her first shower in this house she looked around and screamed from inside the bathroom, “Where’s the shower gel?” I was like, dude, aren’t you in luck despite my absentmindedness.

Simply Whimsical Tea Towels

Crown Pro Essential Brush Set

I desperately need a new set of brushes (mine are almost older than those cans of black beans) but I think Leta is probably going to swipe these from me. Swiper, no swiping!

Alfred Teapot

This is my favorite item in the whole box, probably because it complements all the turquoise glassware that I inherited from my Granny Hamilton, glassware that I saw for the first time in years when I finally unpacked it all after two moves. It totally looks like something I would have seen in her home. When I could actually see things in her home. She was a hoarder and turns out I gave birth to her daughter, Marlo.

Cobra Bluetooth Earbuds

Another Leta item. She’s riding the bus to and from school—remember all those complicated things I referenced earlier? Her high school registration is one of those things that I will eventually write about and it will include a scathing review of her middle school. By name. ANYWAY. She’s using that time on the bus to listen to music. Apple didn’t fall far.

Grown Alchemist Hydra-Restore Cream Cleanser

See what I said about the cleaning masks above. Ditto here.

Touch In SOL Metallist Lip Duo in Penny

As someone who feels like a clown in red lipstick, this shade is perfect for me. It’s probably the boldest I would ever go with a lip color because of the shimmer. And when I do wear it and the kids look at me like, DID YOU GET HIT ONTHE HEAD, I’m going to kick my leg in the air and sing, “And I’m fifty!”

FabFitFun is offering dooce readers $10 of your first box, just use coupon code DOOCE10 at fabfitfun.com. You have to act fast because each season’s box tends to sell out.

……

This post is brought to you in partnership with FabFitFun.

No Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave