Our Lady of Perpetual Depression

Eat, sleep, read, and then take a detour through Ontario

FIRST AND FOREMOST HEAR YE, HEAR YE:

I’m debuting my new book at the The King’s English Bookshop in Salt Lake City on April 27th and hosting a Q&A with the lead anesthesiologist of my treatment, Dr. Scott Tadler. Also! My mom will be there to dazzle you. I’ll ask her if she has any extra Skin So Soft she can bring. Please come!

PLEASE NOTE: This is a ticketed event and will take place at the bookshop. One ticket admits two people for general admission and includes a copy of The Valedictorian of Being Dead: The True Story of Dying Ten Times to Live.

To purchase an event ticket, please click here.

DAY OF EVENT GUIDELINES:

Doors will open at 6:30 p.m. Please bring a printed ticket or have your phone ready to scan the ticketed barcode from Eventbrite. This will speed up the entry process. Tickets are non-refundable; if you are unable to attend your book will be available at the bookstore the next day.

PHEW. This is after a trip to the East Coast and some other media and ALSO:

HELLO TORONTO:

I wanted to figure out a way to give back to the Canadians who have supported me over the years, and after a ton of work by some amazing people I managed to get a stop added to my tour:

Indigo Bay & Bloor
Toronto, ON
Thursday April 25th, 7PM

Ruth Marshall, bestselling author of Walk It Off, will interview me on stage. Book signing to follow. More details here!

AND THEN: Ten days ago I saw the inside of a gym for the first time since the end of November 2018. It’s the longest I have been without exercise since I gave birth to Marlo. However, I do raise my heartbeat a bit every day on the walk back from Marlo’s school in the morning as it is all uphill, although I probably burn more calories preventing Coco from attacking anyone wearing a hat. Or anyone carrying a bag. Or anyone who is not walking in a straight line. Or anyone breathing air. Or grass. Or a crack in the sidewalk.

I tore a muscle in my shoulder at he beginning of December, and then I broke my tailbone and bruised a rib in January, and then all hell broke loose on the health front and next thing I know I am talking to a soap opera actor about my the state of my colon. Sexiest 20 minutes of my life.

ANWYAY. I haven’t seen my trainer in over four months and I was trying to keep the timeline of events straight in my head when I told her, “I think it was after I screamed at that person on the phone that I threw up for two days, but it was a couple of weeks before then that I told a certain room of people that they could go straight to hell and even my dad got so mad at them that he got in his car and was ready to drive over and and play Whack-A-Mole with me! MY DAD!” It sounds very violent, I know, but no one got injured. But me. I got injured. I broke my butt. In multiple ways! Who knew that was even possible, here I am doing the Lord’s work!

(P.S. to that paragraph: you’re going to have the very irresistible urge to send me a note or email saying that maybe my meds aren’t working when in fact that paragraph is proof that all the years I spent in therapy finally paid off because I have no problem standing up for myself anymore and telling people, “You are crossing a very strict boundary. And you need to stop.”)

In the meantime, a lot has slipped through the cracks NO PUN INTENDED. Although, I think once you undergo a colonoscopy you’re allowed to make butt jokes forever.

I’m super late to some promotions and deadlines so let’s just get to it, starting with a really amazing deal that starts today:

From April 8 through Tuesday, April 30, new customers who sign up for Butcher Box will receive 2lbs of Pork Breakfast Sausage and 2 packs of Bacon for free.

ButcherBox Bacon is uncured, free of sugar and nitrates, non-GMO verified, hormone free, made from pasture raised heritage breed pigs AND its whole30 approved. And their Breakfast Sausage is made from pasture-raised heritage breed pigs.

We eat meat about once a week and can’t say enough good things about the money we’re saving by doing this and how good it feels to support a company that truly cares about doing things the ethical and right way. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

(I missed some amazing past promotions because getting older hurts everywhere. Going to try to keep up with all the things they have in store.)

Also, before the holidays Stitch Fix alerted me to the fact that not only are they styling men now, they’re styling kids. I got both kids boxes for Christmas, and last week their second box arrived. I’ll say this: Marlo kept and has worn every single item they have chosen for her. Every single one. They have nailed her style, and since I probably hate fitting rooms with kids more than I hate DEATH BY SHINGLES, my god. This is how I will dress her going forward. There are 8-12 pieces in each box and the prices are super affordable. Like, I wasn’t expecting that level of affordable and was rubbing my eyes to make sure I wasn’t very rapidly going blind.

Leta? Not so much. I think she’s one size up from the ages they specialize in, and Leta is super, super picky about clothing. SUPER. She could shop for seven straight hours and come home with one item of clothing and it wold be a white t-shirt. Ask me how I know. Ask me how much I want those seven hours back.

And here I haven’t even done a belly flop into the details of how the craziest storm in decades hit Salt Lake City and we were without power for two days and then without hot water or heat for four days. But never fear! Llama hat is here! NOTE: if you ever invite Marlo to your house DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LEAVE OUT ANY TEA CANDLES. Jesus, that kid walking around the house lighting candles and not telling me she is doing so and then going to bed without remembering to blow them out, because why? That brain space is reserved for the images of the Corgis she could keep warm if the power ever went out.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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