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Happiness is . . . | dooce® dooce® » I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is my website. » Happiness is . . .
  • GeekGirl

    With all the obvious computer geeks around here, I’m surprised no one has mentioned the two euphemisms GeekBoy and I use:

    1. “I’ve gotta go download.”

    2.”I was logging off.”

  • http://www.runashleyrun.com ashley

    This is completely off topic, but…

    I’ve been bragging on you and turning on others to you, and one of the things I loved on the old Dooce was your Women Who Make Me Question My Sexual Persuasion series, especially Kirsten (Leaves me hurtin’) Dunst. I tried to find it in The Wayback Machine, to no avail.

    Do you still have these? Can you make them available on your new site? I bet a lot of your newer enthusiasts would appreciate those examples of your design skills.

    Thanks for being you. You are one of my top daily reads.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/ldrapala Laura

    Ha sickos. This is great and I am laughing so hard Im almost crying.

    Oh and Dooce, I heard today that Fred Durst stole your woman Britney. wtf?

  • http://www.evel.blogspot.com Eva

    Just finished reading entire archives since you have been back….glad to see it, you slay me!

    And about the pooping thing, I find that as you get older you apreciate it more ;-)

  • http://apocalypsehow.com PD

    I think it was in the movie “Rat Race” when one of the kids yells, “but Mommmmm, I’m prarie-dogging it!!!”

  • http://swirlspice.blogspot.com Irk

    I think “out damn poop” has been my favorite so far.

    Dooce, you do realize that I’m going to think of you every time I poop for at least the next week?

  • http://www.seancoburn.com/indecentbystander SC HAMMER

    I always enjoy “dropping the kids off at the pool”.

  • http://hammerland.net/ Xanthan

    More colloquialisms:

    1) Riding the porcelein Honda

    2) Launching the shuttlecraft

    3) Letting the monkeys free!

  • da

    torpedos away!

  • da

    don’t you hate it when you’re walking the dog and he stops to take his daily dump, he glances your way and catches you watching him and you get “the” look that says, “what the fuck is wrong with you? turn around you sicko”

  • http://ed-one.com Chizantski

    now that was funny! huh he

  • flashy

    I’ve never been able to poop on any public restroom, I actually admire those who don’t give a shit, ironic huh?

  • http://www.untickalock.com Seth

    95+ comments coming from a five word post has _got_ to be a record of some kind…

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    I have a friend whose 8 month old daughter is potty trained…. It’s both amazingly cool and disturbingly freaky. And that’s the scoop, poop!

  • Natasha

    My favorite pooping story involves my best friend. Her two-year-old little boy’s favorite pasttime is to flush objects down the toilet. Last week, he flushed three of the family’s toothbrushes down the can. The toilet was clogged all day. Her mother was babysitting the children the next day, and, despite the clogged toilet…she took a shit. When my friend came home, she had to reach her hand up, THROUGH THE SHIT, to yank out the toothbrushes. Totally gross. All I had to say to her was, “Better you than me!” Needless to say, she wanted to kill her mother. :)

  • http://www.tuesdayinaugust.com Cindy

    When the owner of a local store saw my boyfriend and me eyeing some licorice, he told us the blue raspberry made his poop turn blue. We bought the peach instead.

  • http://shotwise.com shotwise

    too much coffee, right as the buzz kicks in

  • http://www.moveablebeast.com peggy

    Oh dammit. Now I’m having flashbacks of that time I ate too many pistachio nuts. The red ones.

  • Blondincharg

    I’m on a high-protein diet and my experience is the opposite of the others here…
    I mean, I have pooped like 4-5 times daily and I am sure that at least 10 of the 15 pounds I’ve recently lost have been ALL feces :) Where is it all coming from…are my legs and arms and feet holding sh*t? It won’t stop and I know I’m not eating that much…OH well, they won’t tell you this in the Body for LIfe book, but beware, it’ll happne to you to and the fun, earthy smell you’ll acquire will impress your friends (what ones you’ll have left after about 2 weeks)

  • http://www.talkingcrow.com/blog/ rosebaby

    love that. so does the dog.

  • http://livejournal.com/users/katekinks Kate

    And speaking of that, I’m #2.

  • http://www.talkingcrow.com/blog/ rosebaby

    p.s. much like asparagus pee, grape juice poop is weird smelling.

  • http://thepropagandist.com the propagandist

    so you complain about weird comments and you post this?

    the hounds give inspiration to us all – they’re like colons with fur.

  • http://www.aubreysabala.com aubs

    …or when your cats finally learn the difference between YOUR bathtub and THEIR litterbox.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    propagandist: i never complained about *weird* comments. in fact, the weird ones are my favorites. they make great dinner conversation with my Granny, like, ìGranny, is grape juice poop weird smelling, or what? Pass the gravy.î

  • LK

    yay! congrats, dooce. ;) as someone who has gone through the few-days-without-pooping experience, i know exactly how you feel.

  • poop on a stick

    Silly propagandist, she doesn’t complain about weird comments she just edits/ censors them out of her web site… come on get it right….

  • http://sx70.blogspot.com sx70.blogspot.com

    i am on the atkins diet (induction phase) for 14 days (i’m now on day 9), and as you may or may not know, it’s a low-carb, hi-protein diet which means lotsa meat, notta lotta veggies. i’m like totally serious when i say when i pooped this morning, it was only the second time in 9 days. somehow i remain happy, even though it was rather short and i didn’t even get to finish up all my avantgo pages whilst on the loo.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    actually, poop on a stick, i only edit/censor yours.

  • Carrie

    Exactly, Dooce. Simple, mundane things become of paramount importance in their absence. Like, being able to breathe out of your nose is an extremely underrated pleasure – until, of course, one cannot do so.
    As to your particular private misery, I can only offer these words of hope and consolation: Metamucil mixed with orange juice. Godspeed.

  • http://www.amyleblanc.com leblanc

    i remember hearing somewhere that if you always look in the toilet before you flush, it’s some sort of Freudian symptom of deep psychological issues. is this true? because i do. every time.

  • http://www.megchem.com megchem

    Ha…good one dooce!

  • poop on a stick

    that makes me feel so special :)

  • http://arielmeadow.com/electrolicious Ariel

    I have a good friend with some pooping issues, and when we went to Burning Man together in 1999, she simply could not poop the whole time we were there. Which was four days. I wanted to cry for her.

    For those eager to get REALLY into their poop, I recommend the Arise and Shine cleanse. Woo. What poop that is!

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    That said, my cat must be very, very happy.

  • Glovia

    Bring back “How to Charm Me/Annoy Me” etc. That was so great.

  • http://funtime.studiom11.com Funtime Ben

    Ahhh, poop. It’s the last bastion of hope for the blogging community.

  • http://thepropagandist.com the propagandist

    dooce: yes dear, a glance at your archives illuminates my error.

    please accept my apologies, but i really needed a lead in to the colons with fur comment.

  • Underwear Ninja

    For a long time, my diet was all screwy, and I was in huge amounts of colon pain once a week, and only once a week. Morning Raisin Bran and afternoon Jamba Juice 5 times weekly. I’m not regular, but I’m daily. There’s no colon cramping, and that’s Happiness enough for me.

  • anna

    i could not agree more.
    one of my friends asked me recently if i would rather never take a satisfying shit again in my life or give up orgasms.

    it was a hard one for me to answer.

    that’s how much i love pooping. or perhaps more accurately – how much i love the absence of the bloating, discomfort, irritability and general grossness that come along with chronic constipation.

    my kingdom for a poop….

  • http://www.ratemypoo.com anna

    oh yeah!

    speaking of grosser than gross – i think THIS will win the big money prize…..

  • Jennay

    Ah, I just pooped like 2 minutes ago. I was actually just talking about this with my mom. I’m usually a mid-afternoon pooper, and according to Ma, I always have been. I cherish regular poops, and I never realized how much until I caught a wicked nasty stomach flu where I wasn’t pooping regularly. I was either pooping 6 times in an hour or NOT pooping for 4 days. I just like pooping.

  • Avril Lavigne

    I like to eat poop for breakfast.

    That’s kink. Top that, Brittany.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    can i just say, i LOVE you people.

  • Marlyse

    You can be thankful also that you don’t have a case of the ‘roids. I thought, ‘this can’t be normal for a healthy 30 year old to suffer from hemmoroids – for a week’! Buying PrepH ranks up there on my most embarrassing moments list…but I must admit it works.

    be glad, Dooce, be glad.

  • PJ

    I saw Marilu Henner on a talk show once (I think it was Letterman), she was plugging her diet book. Ever since then I cannot stop thinking (and noticing) every time I go, that she said they should be ‘floaters, not sinkers’, if you were eating properly.

  • Juney Jen

    DAG! THIS IS POOPILICIOUS!

  • http://members.cox.net/kellycook Kel

    My favorite poop colloquialism: Dropping the kids off for swimming lessons.

  • http://www.sakodesign.com Death Cab

    OMG! I don’t think I’ve ever had a floater…

  • Kate the Great

    Colloquialisms for pooping! This is my kind of topic. One of my favorites is “I’ve gotta go put something down on paper.” (Courtesy of Sealab 2021)