• http://www.joga-luce.com/silke Silke

    my mom used to say “It’s for your ASSHOLE not your WHOLE ASS”. i’m a bad little exorbitant amount of t.p. user. i admit it. i just sometimes zone out and forget when i’m wadding it up.

  • lordgoon

    I love you, Dooce. Really I do. But how many defecation-related columns can one man read?? Where’s that lengthy, acerbic review of _War and Peace_ that you’ve long been promising us?

  • http://footinmouthdisease.blogspot.com Naaman

    For my wedding present, my best man — who was once a roommate and knows how much I use — was going to get me a lifetime supply of toilet paper. Thank goodness he got us the Pottery Barn flatware instead!

  • http://thewatergirl.blogspot.com the watergirl

    i actually have a friend who showers after she poops. thus, i assume her to only poop exactly once a day — no stragglers. when i lived with her, i wondered why the hell she took two showers a day. sincem she told me, i have made rampant fun of her, as it wasone of the more ridiculous things i’d heard. if you’re really feeling that unclean, perhaps some baby wipes?!?

    then again, this is the same girl who’d rather brave pantylines than wear a thong because of the high chance of poop getting on the thong. i don’t know what to do with her.

    also, the charmin bears annoy, scare, and disgust me. especially that face they make while their wiping. ugh.

  • http://thewatergirl.blogspot.com the watergirl

    oh god, i made an unintentional homonym error! the horror! i meant, “they’re” … damn me …

  • Danika

    TP must be over!

    I don’t think I over use tp.. I just wipe until nothing shows up. I would much rather have a clean ass and use too much than leave underwear streaks thank you very much!

    I have tried the whole squat technique but I always fall…. you squaters are way more talented than I.

  • Danika

    Oh and about the whole teaching your kid how to wipe thing… I go in to wipe from the front but wipe front to back… back to front is just icky!

  • yara

    imagine my shock to move overseas as a teenager to a place where they DON’T use toilet paper. the “bowl of water” and “don’t eat with *that* hand” lessons were intriguing…

  • Carrie

    I am CRYING, I’m laughing so hard from you people. Oh man, I needed that. Okay, weighing in:
    *TP should be under.
    *Wipe the damn seat, squatters!
    *Adult wipes rule, especially after Mexican food.
    *2-4 times A DAY?? Good Lord.
    *People who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom should have their fingers turn blue to warn the rest of us. ‘Cause that’s just nasty.

  • http://outoftune.org/em Em

    I do that too, use excessive amounts. My mother about shits herself. *rolls eyes* I like to feel clean, thankyouverymuch!

  • http://www.bobupndown.com/blog shel

    Dooce: well then, I’ll try to talk about my fuzzy ass more often. ;)

  • http://www.ct-cc.org/log/ Katie

    Dooce, you need to have a section where we can adoringly browse old taglines and their illustrations… where we can all worship the wonder that is the Dooce.

    I like this round’s little LPs.

  • http://www.sherbicide.com Amanda

    I read somewhere that fecal bacteria can get through over 11 layers of standard 2 ply TP.
    Surely that is reason enough to use half a roll (at least!) per visit.

    The facilities at my work are substandard at best, but when it becomes necessary to pay the ferryman, I use as much TP as its S-bend can handle. Not only does the padded wipe make the pathetic 1 ply more tolerable, but I prefer glove-like protection when my hand goes anywhere near a place where a million other asses have been.

    An episode of Oprah once talked about the Under v Over roll position issue. It seems that the choice is subconscious – those who choose the Over position are more confident and dominent, while those who prefer the Under mode are expressing their lack of self esteem. Or maybe Oprah is just full of shit.

  • http://www.mediasparkles.com/blog Vera

    Dooce? I just took a really satisfying poop, and then I wiped my bottom system with a charmin’ white boxing glove, and you know who I thought about the whole time? That’s right. You, Chuck, and all of your lovely readers.

  • http://www.nosila.org Alison

    I can’t believe that I just spent all that time reading about crap. That said:
    - TP goes over
    - reach over to get the back, with a separate piece of toilet paper from the front if #1 and #2 happened
    - yeah, I use a lot
    - I used to go 2-4 times a day until I started eating healthy. Now, once. Like clockwork. Around 2 in the afternoon.
    - I don’t hover. My theory? I’ve never hovered, I haven’t died yet, I’ll be fine. I won’t use the toilet if a hoverer hasn’t cleaned up her mess on the seat…how rude!

    Also, does anyone have any men in the house who won’t flush after a pee? Because I do, and it drives me insane. What if I were to poo and the poo forcefully hit the water, splashing a couple drops back up onto me? It’s like you’re peeing on me, and that’s gross as hell. Also, our toilet is a dark-ish tan-ish color, and depending on light, I’m never quite sure if the water is clear or yellow. I’m sure our toilet gets flushed a lot more than it should because of this.

  • http://www.talkingcrow.com/blog/ rosebaby

    ahhhhhhhh charmin triple roll! i look at the cheap paper, then i think to myself, self – you have been pretty good about not spending out of control like those binges to lush in vancouver, you can buy your ass some nice soft tissue as a reward.

  • z

    Why does charmin need a website?

  • Natasha

    Allison–just keep on flushin’ before you go if you can’t tell. To quote from The Biscuit on the (sadly) now-defunct Ally McBeal: “I like a fresh bowl.”

  • Natasha

    Oops, Alison, sorry. Spelled your name wrong.

  • Margie

    Someone once asked me…how do blind people know when they’re done wiping?

    That’s a disturbing question.

    Definitely over on the TP, Northern Quilted, and front to back, from the front.

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    i swear to god if i get marriied and my wife hangs the roll under rather than over, i think i would have to install a second hanger. improper hanging of the tp roll is seriously grounds for divorce.