All of this came out of my boobs

We were cleaning out the freezer last week and discovered all this breastmilk I had pumped and stored. Sadly, they were all WAY expired, and we had to throw them out, but my God, will you look at all that? MY BOOBS DID THAT.

Also, this picture features the Dooce Effect because I wanted to give the breastmilk its proper heavenly glow.

  • Amanda B.

    The Giving Tree. Shel Silverstein.


  • mprints

    there is a version of Go Dog Go on tape that rocks. (Do you like me hat?) you must get it!

  • AndreaBT

    I’m just cracking up at all the people who think breast milk is gross. What *is* that? I mean, I do drink cow’s milk, but when you think about it…shouldn’t cow’s milk be just a teensy bit grosser than breast milk? :)

  • Stacy

    I don’t have children, or I obviously wouldn’t ask this question- How long did it take you to do that? And, is it normal for parents (including the father) to take a taste, just out of curiousity? I’m not talking bout latchin on for a feedin’ or anything, just a taste. I know I would. It’s too weird not to try.

  • anna

    AndreaBT: absolutely! I mean, here we are dunking oreos into the mammary secretions of some giant, smelly beast, and we think breast milk is weird?

    I wonder who figured out that cows’ milk was edible for humans. That must have been a hard sell to their neighbors: “No, really! I know it seems weird, but it’s good. Try it with a cookie.”

  • Russ


  • Jena

    The things you can do with breastmilk:

    1. feed to baby
    2. drink in desperate moments
    3. slip in in-laws’ coffee
    4. slip in anyone’s coffee
    5. feed to dog in desperate moments
    6. use as bait
    7. christmas ornaments
    8. christmas presents
    9. stocking stuffers!!
    10. umm… sandbags on hot air balloon??

  • Sarah

    Holy Crap!!! GO DOG GO! was totally my favorite book when I was little. I made my mom read it to me over and over again. It’s nice to see real fine literature recognized for once!! Hope little Leta loves it as much as I did!

  • Cap’n

    yesterday I learned that breast-feeding can be so painful, you will see stars. and that you need to teach the mouth how to approach the nipple, like an airplane coming into the hanger. and that my boss (who is a new mother) was recently “milked” by her “lactation specialist’.

    poor, poor boobies.

  • Carla Beth

    Dooce, I am both awed and grossed out. If I were to wake up some night and find my boobs in the kitchen making Boob Stuff, I’d send them out back to plow the fields and repent their sins.

  • Sheryl

    See this page on Alternate Uses for Breast Milk

    BreastMilk Does Every Body Good
    Ross: ” I just don’t think breast milk is for adults…”
    Chandler: “of course the packaging does appeal to adults and kids alike.”

    (Most disturbing part, IMO):

    “Sexual lubricant (male and female): (males) squirt directly onto penis; (females) hand express breast milk into a sterile cup…use as you would use KY Jelly, vaseline, or AstroGlide. “

  • christilee

    In a way that really grossed me out, but then… I just don’t know. I am not grossed out anymore. What would you have done with it if it had not been “all WAY expired”?

  • Fish

    ASTROGLIDE! I think I just split a seam.

    The party always livens up with the mention of Astroglide. This comment page is cool.

  • Fish

    Christilee: Dooce has already answered your question. She just can’t repeat it, because she’s probably drunk on all the white russians.

  • Heather

    Man, how big is your freezer that all that breastmilk went unnoticed?!

  • Carol

    I pumped 50 ounces (!!) a day with my first son. Ugh. But I lost about 55 pounds in 3 months. (He was a huge baby – 11.2 and I’m only 5’4″)

    Anyway, it’s hard to throw it out. It is like liquid gold, but once you get over it… well, I’m glad I’m not breastfeeding anymore.

    But if it was still good, you could also donate it to homeless shelters.

    Stacy- I have tasted my friend’s. It tasted just like soy milk. It’s weird, but I always thought my husband would want to taste it and I’d want him to, but when you get there, it’s sort of hands off. They become something other than boobs. They have work to do, so don’t be wastin my baby’s milk! Plus you don’t feel up to entertaining anyone else other than your baby.

    As for Go, Dog! Go!… love the book. So do my sons and I also loved that they all end up partying in a tree. I love reading my kids books. The way they see things. Simple.

  • Laura

    Go, Dog! Go! is the absolute best Dr. Seuss ever. Ever.

  • Carol

    Katie – sorry to hear about Ralph! You must know him personally. Well, I still like his CDs. He comes across as such a family man!

    As for not showering for 5 days. I haven’t gone that far, but right now I’m working on 2.

  • stuboo

    Go Dog Go! was my very favorite Dr. Seuss book when I was a kid. I still have visions of sitting beside the dog in that race car with my ears flapping in the wind just like his.

    By the way. Good job on all that heavenly goodness that came from your boobs. That’s impressive. Go Boobs Go!

  • Karen Rani

    I’m a nursing Mom and to everyone that thinks that is “ewwww,” grow up! Kudos to ya Dooce for being such a good Mom, ON SO MANY LEVELS! :)
    Love ya!

  • Dee

    I am envious. I struggled with pumping from my little one’s NICU days until his 9th month. He would refuse to nurse since day one. He would nurse, I would pump, nurse, pump, nurse pump … but I never even pumped enough to build a freezer stash.

    I would cry when I couldn’t pump anymore than a couple of ounzes and when I had nothing in the freezer I was completely torn. I never understood why I couldn’t build a supply like all the other mom’s I spoke with.

    Oh well. My next one will be an adoption (I hope it can happen soon) so I will never get the chance again. I cry just thinking about it.


  • eco2geek

    That reminds me of a recent post on BoingBoing about Boo Bee Juice.

    That also reminds me of the time I relieved a (beautiful) girl at work so she could go pump her breast milk. After the initial Typical Guy Reaction (a combination of “Eww!”, “Ouch!”, “WTF?” and “Can I watch?”), my mind reeled at the possibilities:

    1. Have you ever tasted it?
    2. Have you ever served it to your dinner guests, unbeknownst to them? (“That coffee creamer is my breast milk, Phil.”)
    3. Have you ever used it in cooking or baking?
    4. Have you ever made butter out of it?
    5. Have you ever made chocolate milk or hot chocolate out of it?

  • Erica

    I’m not entirely certain that this is true, but someone once told me that your homeowner’s insurance would reimburse you for pumped milk — it was some insane amount of money, too — like 2.50 an ounce. Liquid gold, indeed.

  • mama

    We LOVE “Go Dog Go”–and we always end the book singing “dog party, dog party. . . “

  • Julia

    My sister froze breast milk in plastic bags inside plastic glasses, so that it looked kind of like a fancy candle or something. I was way amused.

    I actually dreamed that I breastfed someone else’s kid last night. Just spontaneous lactation. ‘Twas creepy. I was trying to figure out if I should tell the parents.

  • anal editor

    “Go Dog Go” isn’t by Dr. Seuss — it’s by P. D. Eastman. Although the publishers try to fool you by putting a little picture of the Cat in the Hat on the spine.

    Do you like my hat? I do not. Good bye! Good bye!

    Now _that’s_ dialogue. Go, Dooce, go!

  • daisy

    Okay, true confession time now that Dooce has put her boob juice out there for the world to see.

    I have lactated EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY since I was 16. It’s been 22 years. Doctors don’t know why…I’ve been tested for everything. It used to be worse in college, therefore the nickname “Daisy” (thank you, roomies!) Try keeping something like that a secret from your date until you know you can trust them!

    Now I can wear a bra without it getting soaked, but…geez! I have to hold nursing babies facing away from me or it’s “Whoa! Sorry kid.” Never been preg. Kind of scared at what would happen should I become preg. I could flood a room! A horrible way to drown.

    Dooce, you’re a very good mom to pump all of that. Men will never know what it is like…to feel like you are a walking 24-hour diner.

  • Human Writes

    I once went nine days without shaving between my eyebrows and I developed the most awesome unibrow in recorded history. I looked like a friggin’ Sasquatch.

  • Super Turtle Girl

    Mmmm! Breast milk. What?!? You threw it away???? What a waste! What a tragic waste!

  • moose

    I hated pumping. My baby WOULD NOT drink from a bottle, so I’d pump (torture, in my book), painstakingly extracting just a little for “just in case” while I was gone — but she’d never even drink it and I’d arrive to pick up a screamingly frantic-to-nurse child. She knew what she liked, I guess, what was worth waiting for. Thank god I only worked part time.

    Shooting across the room, however, was effortless. Now, why was that different? Definitely was not a supply issue.

    I gather Jon didn’t really want comments, so I don’t want to overstep. I’ll just say I really appreciated his post.

  • lexa

    How about keep them as ice packs? I would find it amusing to tell my husband after twisted ankle or what have you – to keep the breast milk on there until the swelling goes down.
    Marvin K. Mooney also had to GO NOW. Another good Seuss book.

  • Carol

    Daisy – OMG! I feel for you. I didn’t breastfeed for that long (6 months), but I had so much milk, it was odd. Leaking was such an issue.

    Although, I’m not complaining.

    BTW, a guy friend of mine fooled around with a girl that was lactating for no apparent reason. And he liked it!!

  • pismire

    You could always them as ice packs. Imagine it, little Leta bumps her head and out comes some frozen breast milk. Reduce reuse recycle!

  • Parmenides

    Hey Dooce- It is reported that Britney Spears is pregnant- can you imagine her breasts full of milk- they will be gigantic!

  • kate

    (this may have already been addressed; I haven’t read to the end of comments yet, but)Nichole: why would a lady be carrying an uncovered styrofoam cup of breast milk on the bus? Won’t (as my friend Ralph used to say of any uncovered beverage) “dirt-ants” get in there? Did she just kind of squirt it in there on the fly, using whatever receptacle was handy?

    I’ve thought about this for several minutes but I’ve got goose egg. I’m just saying.

  • pismire

    Um, yeah, you could always USE them as ice packs (poor grammar day).

    BTW – lexa, great minds think alike!

  • come on

    i would just like to point out and openly mock becca’s typo: “third world COUNTIES”. where are these counties? louisiana? new mexico?

    chortle chortle.

  • IHateToast

    I wonder if one could churn butter out of lait des boobes. Or even make cheese. If you eat asparagus, does it stain that, too? What if you drink water with food coloring? Like when you split the carnation stem and put one in the glass of red water and the other in the blue water?
    I’ve taken to dying everything as I feel I’m 36 and only have so many years left. I make my own bread and ice cream and butter… but not without sticking some green or blue or pink in there. I make heavily grained bread, so when I food dye it pink, it looks like it has some bad acne, but I see it as a challenge. Can I eat acne bread? Yes!!!
    What did you do with the pumps? I see them at garage sales a lot. I just think some things don’t need to be placed out next to the old tires. You can’t help but think there’s someone nip skin cells there and they aren’t yours! I file it under “what were you thinking” along with the inflatable sex doll I saw at a viennese flea market and the negligé i saw at a garage sale in Brisbane. …. with yellowed crotch snaps.
    So, what is the appropriate way to get rid of a breast pump without adding more plastic to our landfills? eBay? White elephant gift party?

  • Human Writes

    I believe Starbucks is advertising Breastmilk Lattes for the holidays.

  • the reproving aunt

    IHateToast: if the pump couldn’t be sterilized thoroughly, it wouldn’t be safe to use for breast milk. Get over it.

    Yellowed crotch snaps? Yuck. Agreed. No question.

  • kate

    Also, did you guys know that you can stimulate lactation in a woman who has not given birth? It evidently takes a while, but all you have to do is, um, apply suction. Imagine the fun of squirting your husband from across the room when he doesn’t even know you’re loaded. (and elsewhere)

  • KellyH

    Dooce, if you read “a dog party!” in a really excited manner and shake the book at the same time or hold up your hands when you say it, in a few months Leta will do it too. My 2 year old still does it and claps and says “yea!”

  • cathy

    My mom (a nurse) said hispanic ladies in the 50s at the hospital where she worked would rub breast milk on their stomachs to repair stretch marks. She said they had great skin. (I wish she had told me that way back when I was actually breastfeeding and had stretchmarks!)

    There was a craft show I was at last winter where a woman was selling soap made from breastmilk. I could see, if she’d make that for her own use, but it freaked me out that she was selling it!

  • Chris From Ohio

    Somebody said “Gigantic.” Fish keeps mentioning the Pixies. Now that we’re all on the same page…

    They’re gigaaantic. They’re gigaaantic. They’re gigaaantic. Some big, big boobs.

  • Beth

    Shock and awe. Total shock and awe. You must have a huge freezer!! :)

  • christy

    Breastmilk can be safely stored frozen for up to 12months. Your milk wasn’t expired and don’t pass on the wrong info since you potentially infuence some that may not know any better. But, yes, your boobs created liquid gold with magical healing properties.

  • Sue from Ohio

    WOW! that’s a HUGE amount of breast milk…can’t you use it for bathing or something…there are lots of neat ideas on this thread, especially EBAY. EBAY ROCKS!

    just so you know…I am home, I can see the pics, and I am one sad, strange little woman who is sooo addicted to the internet and Dooce (of course) I had to lie to my family to sneak away to use a computer…WEEEEEEE I need a laptop!

  • dooce

    christy. i am not passing along the wrong info. breatsmilk can only be stored for three months in the type of freezer we had. it was expired. end of story.


    MY BOOBS HURT….and I am way past childbearing. They ache with memories (mammaries???!!!)

  • MetroDad

    Does anyone know if you drink a ton of Hershey’s syrup, would there be any possible way you could produce chocolate-flavored breast milk? Just curious whether anyone’s tried it.