Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • Laurie

    I was dating this guy and we were going away for the weekend. It would be our first overnight, we hadn’t done the deed yet..and I was a little nervous. So we are in the hotel room, it’s time to get ready for bed, and being a fairly modest person I’m a little worried about the whole getting undressed and getting into bed thing. He heads to the bathroom and I’m thinking “yes!” an opportunity to get naked and under the covers before he comes out. So I quickly undress and hop under the covers just in the nick of time. Out he comes…strutting around, obviously very comfortable with his nakeness. He finally gets into bed, and rolls over towards me only to say “Hey, where are you?” I then realized that there was a sheet between us. OH. MY. GOD! You know how hotels don’t use fitted sheets? They use a flat sheet instead and just tuck it around the mattress? Yep…you guessed it, in my haste to get under those covers, I had pulled one too many sheets down and was under the bottom sheet. Shit. No I have to get out of bed, and remake it, naked as a blue jay, while the bf laughs his ass off. I still blush to this day when I think of that…and it was over 25 years ago! LOL

  • lou

    This is my most recent (I have SO many) -

    I was ‘doing’ my boyfriend and I was on top. Well – we’d had SEVERAL drinks that night and apparently I was really getting into it. So much that I didn’t realize that I had dropped a little poo out of my bum during climax. I thought it was bad a few weeks earlier when I’d started my period in the bed – but I think POO’ING the bed takes the cake!

  • http://battybeyond.blogspot.com Tammy

    I was down town with my mother, and I walked over some grates just outside the subway station, and damned don’t you know that a train went by just then, forcing air up through the vent, and forcing my flowy dress up around my neck. And damned, don’t you know I was wearing pantyhoes and no underwear.

  • http://angusindex.blogspot.com shame free emily

    Feliz Cumpleblogos, Dooce Lady! What better way to celebrate your daily self-revelations than to read all of ours in return? :)

    It’s comforting to see how many people have been done in by poop, alcohol, naivete, or a combination of the three…ah, the human condition. It’s appropriate, then, that I choose the first: I inherited from my dad and his mother what used to be delicately referred to as a “spastic colon,” but I didn’t figure this out until I was about 25. My childhood included at least one incident annually of what I later termed “fecal Armageddon” — sudden, uncontrollable urge in an inconvenient place, followed by sweating, clenching, pleading to God for mercy, and sometimes utter anal embarrassment. To wit:

    * Age 8, waiting with younger sister in parked car for mom to finish shopping (this was 1982), urge hits. I panic and run through underground parking garage, finally crouching in a not-very-hidden corner while my sister shields me (I had on a bathing suit and so was half-naked) from several horrified passing motorists. We flee the scene and don’t speak of it until years later.

    * Age 12, visiting the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse at Disney World on a sweltering July night. Urge hits. I fight against the tide of tourists climbing up a rope ladder, knocking over an angry Disney employee and just make it to a restroom in time. While hunched over on the bowl, my big Sally Jesse Raphael glasses slip off and crack on the tile floor. Must explain entire scenario to irritated parents during Electric Light Parade.

    * Age 16, attend Big Rivalry H.S. basketball game with best friend and her mom, thousands of fans in a large arena, game is intense. Urge hits multiple times, causing me to swallow pride and creep down the long bleachers, disrupting everyone, to flee to restroom for long periods. Friend’s mom asks if I’m OK, I lie and say yes. Driving home later, I experience the awful sensation of passing more than gas…in my tight black stirrup pants, oy. Mortified, I roll down the windows and try to pretend that I’d stepped in dog poop. I am crouching on the floor in the back seat, nearly in tears; my best friend has completely unwrapped the cherry-scented air freshener and is holding it to her face. We pull up to my house, I leap out and run *backwards* up the lawn, waving maniacally. Inside, my sister takes one look as I stumble down to the basement bathroom and says, “What the hell, did you crap in your pants or something?” Nice.

    BTW, when I went off to college I discovered Pepto-Bismol and Lactaid, haven’t had trouble since (thanks Mom, who is a *nurse*, for not stocking the medicine cabinet and always telling me to “just hold it”).

    So there you have it, Miss Dooce, life could be that much more interesting if you were a Copious Pooper! Keep up the great work…

  • http://blog.rawlinson.us Bill

    well, i doubt anyone will actually read this, considering there are nearly 400! comments before this.

    But, in the spirit of both Snow sports and embarrassing moments my most embarrassing moment as a kid came on the mountains at Snow Basin. I was skiing along in my rental skis and I saw a path through some trees that I decided to follow. Unbeknownst to me the path only lasted about 10 feet before I was flung off a 10-15′ drop off. I was about 8 so I weighed, maybe 60 lbs and I was about 4′ tall. I landed poorly.

    Luckily, there was a lot of powder and I wasn’t hurt. I popped my skis off and stood them up tail down in the powder.

    Now, this was in the late 70′s so my skis didn’t have built in breaks. They just had these straps that wrapped around my legs to keep them from sliding down the mountain when I crashed.

    Well, the powder I stood my skis up in (so that I could clean the powder out of every corner of my being) didn’t hold very well and as soon as I had my coat off and I was shaking my shirt out – my left ski fell, and started to slide down the mountain. I grabbed my other ski and tried to run after the escapee.

    Walking is hard in ski boots. Running, down a mountain. Fuhget aboud it!

    I rolled, popped up, rolled, lost my other ski, fell, slide, and generally made an ass of myself as I chased my get-away ski.

    Of course, I wasn’t alone. It wouldn’t have been embarrassing if that were the case. Instead I was right beneath a ski lift. So hundreds of people were able to enjoy my stupidity – and judging by the laughter, enjoy it they did.

    I finally got to the bottom of the run – one ski still missing – and had to wait for my family in disgrace. My parents were none to happy and we spent the next few hours hunting for my ski. I think the only reason I avoided any real punishment was thanks to all the comments passers-by made to me concerning my trip down the mountain.

    We moved out of Utah (Ogden) after that.

  • http://headmunchies.blogspot.com jax

    there was this gorgeous guy who’d flown in from HQ and I was running into his office with a message… and I tripped and landed on his lap.. strategically!
    so not the way to impress a cutie.

  • http://grainofsalt.typepad.com Kristin

    I think my most embarrassing moment has to be the time I got carsick on a bus riding through the Swiss Alps. When the bus came to the Italian border, I got off and proceeded to change my clothes behind it. Well, the soldiers guarding the border told the bus to move, unbeknownst to me. And there I was, with no pants on and about 30 Swiss guards trying to stand at attention and not laugh. Good times.

  • http://stepcorrect.journalspace.com jensplace

    Other than falling down stairs during lunch rush at a restaurant, having my skirt tucked into underwear, falling down in the grocery store, going commando in a skirt and falling so the skirt flies up…see a pattern?

    The best one I thought of was when I was ‘dating’ a guy from my speech class. After talking about the people in class, we retired to the bedroom for more interesting activities. Being as I had only just started sleeping with him and didn’t really know him THAT well, when I had to pee during sex I couldn’t just stop. Nothing like having to say ‘can we stop so I can pee?’ so I held it…until I orgasmed. Since I was on top, I peed all over him. When we were done there was a GIANT pee puddle on his bed. I didn’t visit him again after that but I did have to see him in class.

  • http://www.beanbagcentral.com/tanya tanya

    If you read all these, you are truly amazing.

    My most embarassing moment – I got incredibly drunk at a party my freshman year of college. My crush was present and I flirted terribly, then went home to drunk email him alll the naughty things I wanted to do to him.

    It’s been 7 years; he married and divorced my cousin in that time and he and i are really good friends. I can’t believe I ever crushed on him – nor can I believe that he STILL HAS THAT DRUNK EMAIL.

  • Cassie

    Even though I doubt anyone will read down this far…

    I was about 12 or so, and my family (My mom, dad, 2 year old sister, and I) went out to the local buffet for dinner. After I had finished I went up to get an icecream cone. On the way back, I tripped over my sister’s high chair and fell while holding on the my cone. The icecream part flew off, and onto some guy’s plate. My parents start laughing, while everyone else asks me if I’m okay, and look at my parents weirdly. I start to bawl.

    Two summers ago, My best friend, Megan, invited me to go to Flordia to visit some family of theirs. These people had a good bit of money, and we got to stay in their guest house, complete with a golf cart to get us to and from the “main house” and back. While Megan’s parents were sleeping, we decided to take the golf cart out to ride around the development. When we decided to come back, we couldnt remember the code to open their gate back up, and the alarm went off. Everyone looked out at us, from their fancy houses. FInally her uncle fixed it. Then, she decided I could drive the golf cart, and I managed to RUN INTO THE GARAGE. Leaving this huge dent in the door, and the golf cart. I cried about it for the rest of my trip, and it gets talked about every time they are together.

  • http://www.confusedat39.blogspot.com Kathy

    I was single, in my early 20′s and at a party one night. I walked up to a guy that I knew and sat down beside him. I was drinking something dumb like Amaretto and diet cola in a short glass with ice and 2 short straws. I was talking and flirting with the guy and as I went to have a sip of my drink, one of the straws went right up my nose.

  • http://www.zerotom.net sof

    First, I’d like you all to excuse my english, I’m french and you all know how good we french people are with foreign languages.

    I was at the time living in Paris. It was a Friday afternoon, 5:30 pm, when everyone takes the subway home (of COURSE it HAD ton happen at THIS time of the day, at one of the town’s MOST poupular subway station.) I was with my friend, returning from class, and I had this long skirt, very long… too long you may say, but I was 18 back then, and WHO CARED?? We were giong down the escalator, at this SO POPULAR subway station that is Chatelet-les-Halles (for those who know it), and I suddenly felt something pulling down my skirt. I just had to time to say “Holy Sh…” and my skirt was down my legs, showing everyone including the surveillance camera my pink-snoopy-G.String. That’s all you need, when you’re 18, standing in your underwear in the middle of hundreds of people looking at you.
    My skirt was stuck in the escalator (yeah, it was THAT long), my right hand was desperalty trying to put the skirt back where it belonged (hiding my ass), while the left one was pulling so hard on the rest of the fabric to pull it off the escalator (which hadn’t stop, by the way). My friend had fallen in the corner, laughing so hard she couldn’t stand, and two ladies (god bless them and their childrens and the childrens of their childrens) stopped to help me pull off my skirt af the damn thing.
    When we finally managed to tore it off, I had just half a skirt left, and i had to ask my friend (who finally stopped laughing) to go to the nearest store and buy me something to wear, while I was standing in the corner (full of-grown-man-pee I might add) with my scketch book (Fortunately I was in art School) hidding the lower part of my body.

    That’s what I call “A Huge Moment of Solitude” Unfortunately for me, that’s not the only one I had in my life!

  • wheelomatic

    ME: Junior in college with a good-catholic-boyfriend. He was 25 and I was the 1st girl he ever did ANYTHING with. I was only a bit more experienced but felt like smug hottie “showing the virgin the ropes”. I liked doing “naughty things” with him to see how far I could push his boundaries. At the time I was in my experimental stage with drugs and he was VERY concerned that I was screwing up my DNA with mushrooms and weed. He didn’t know where else to turn to “get help for me” so he told his MOTHER. He didn’t let me know this until about 2.5 hours into a 3 hour drive to go visit them. I had no idea how I could face his important-business-owners-in-very-small-town-Iowa parents again. But I figured, nothing to do but deal with it. We get there and his mom is cool, doesn’t mention a thing, treats me like family. WHEW!
    Next day is Sunday and we lie about having gone to Friday night mass to avoid going to his local church.
    So he got all weird about taking advantage of the alone time to mess around, (not in his parent’s house, not in the bed he slept in as a child, not while playing hooky from church!!) but I pushed the issue just because and finally got him into his parent’s bathroom (oh oh oh the Oedipal ramifications) where I knelt and did what guys like best.
    Just as he was getting his breath back, his parents return. We button him up and head into the living room to greet them.
    We sit and talk and I notice BF is nervous and flushed and acting guilty. Me I am carefree as a lark, la di da, chat chat chat. Then I see his mom is giving me the evil eye and not saying much.
    I just happened to look down at my knees ( I was in shorts) and see that there is a distinctive pattern from the bathroom tile engraved in red on my pale skin. Mom, being no slouch, put BF’s obvious guilty concious and my tile-marked knees together and came to the only possible conclusion. I couldn’t wait to leave.
    Apparently, a druggy girlfriend was alright for her son, but not a slutty one.

  • http://urbanecho.blogspot.com Echo

    Sliding down a picnic table (I know) into a flooded man-made lake in Oklahoma. Ripped my swimsuit at the crotch, from the back, cut my slight bottom, all to the laughter of my ex and his friend. That’s not the best part though, looking on were redneck families staring at the now bleeding flesh of my brown ass and catching a glimpse of my poonanie. They’d never seen anything like it so close in the flesh.

  • http://www.cottagegirl.net Milly

    When I was 16 I had a job at this fancy ice cream parlor and the boss wouldn’t let us park our cars in the parking lot closest to the building–he saved those for paying customers. So, one afternoon, I decided to park my car in the lot in a spot closest to the door, but before I went inside I decided to go back and move it to a different spot, so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Later that day when it was time for me to leave, my car was gone. I freaked. Suddenly everyone I worked with was looking for it. I was sobbing. I called my dad and told him someone stole my car. A few minutes later, one of the guys who worked with me had gone out to the lot to have a look, and he found it right where I had parked it the second time. I felt like such an idiot for crying and making a fool of myself, thinking someone wanted to steal my 1975 green Ford Pinto.

  • http://www.hopelyn.com Hope

    Hmm, where do I start because I manage to embarrass myself every day.

    1) Mini golfing with my father, 9 year old brother and his friend in Wisconsin Dells. I had this sudden urge to ‘go’ but wanted to see if I could hold it until we were closer. Well, I couldn’t hold it and crapped my shorts. I ran to the bathroom and had to throw my undies out in the trash and go commando. Luckily everything was contained in the panties but I had to walk like a mile in jean shorts and nothing underneath.

    2) I was pretty young, grade 2 or 3 and in gymnastics. I was too tall and kinda pudgy in pink tights and leotard. I was working on the balance beam doing a summersault and the coach spotting me was holding on. As I rounded the summersault out, I farted. I also farted on the uneven bars, same coach.

    3) I sneezed in Sears once, near a wall with those built in shelves and smacked my forehead on the shelf. The clerk saw me and laughed.

  • Beatrix

    Back when I was 19 I was a local beauty queen (trust me, it was a stretch) and I was supposed to do the pledge of allegiance in front of maybe 1000 people for a local celebration. I was good friends with the mayor of our little town and right before I went on, he whispered to me “You’re going to forget the words.” I laughed and think I told him to f— off. Well, sure enough I walked out on stage and forgot the words. Totally humilating since you say the pledge every day in school for 12 years!

  • GarniGal

    Here’s a moment that managed to embarrass three generations of my family:
    When I was fourteen, my uncle’s daughter was born. I’ve always loved kids, so whenever I was around, I looked after Rach, feeding diapering, entertaining, putting her to bed, etc. One summer day we happened to be over on a Sunday. Gran asked if I wanted to go to church with them, help look after Rachel during the service. I didn’t have anything appropriate to wear, but I borrowed a cute white sundress from one of my aunts. Walking into church, I was holding Rach, glowing with all the compliments Gran was recieving on her beautiful, well-behaved and helpful granddaughter. I sat primly beside Gran in the pew, Rach in my lap, attentive to the minister.
    Then my lap got warm and damp. The little brat’s diaper had shifted and failed specatularly. All I could think of was “wet white cotton – I’m going to look naked when I get up.”
    I said nothing, just handed Rach to Gran, who looked at me with confusion, then comprehension dawned and she started snickering.
    I sat through the sermon, wet and miserable. Luckily, the wet spot had dried by the time the service was over, but I couldn’t wait to get home and get washed.
    Rach is 15 now, and I’m just waiting to meet her boyfriend and share that story.

  • cynthia

    I have a very crazy aunt and uncle with three out of control kids. Thier youngest son asked me to be his confirmation sponsor. Well, okay, not really catholic anymore, but i had lived at thier house for a while and become very close to my little cousin (about 1.5 feet taller than me) so I said yes. So attempting to muster as much dignity as I can with this family (they were the type that continuosly to stole pot from eachother, kids from parents, parents from kids…never busting the others, because then they would have to admit that THEY smoked pot) and weren’t exactly behaving. My Aunt was reading a book hidden in her hymnal, the two older cousins kept getting up out of the pews to go and smoke cigarettes, and I swear, I think that they were sneaking crackers out of her purse. Fun people generally, wrong situation. It was mortifying, and i kept saying “SHHHHHH” and “”Be quiet, guys) and being SMUGLY holier than thou.If you had seen the looks on the families around us, you would understand. They were here to ensure that thier children were on the path to righteouseness. We were here because my aunty promised my grandma that all of here children would get confirmed, no matter what…and if my aunt had to sit through it, everyone did. It took over three hours, and we were in the last few rows to be confirmed. So, I realize the priest is only a few rows in front of us, and I have dropped my program/cheat sheet. I bend dow to get it, and smack my head on the pew….and yell “FUUUUCK!”
    The priest and every other person turned to me in horror and disgust, while my Aunt, uncles, and cousins lost it. They started feigning horror too. (“Unbelievable, Cindy” “how could you? In the LORD’S house?) I seriously wanted to die.

    They still brind it up every time I see them.

  • G-Dawg

    In my high school dance performance (I was in the dance program in h.s. It’s true. Think Fame, people), I was Captain Hook in “Peter Pan.” In a quest to be as theatrical as possible, I was waving my arms about, singing and dancing away. Well, in one of those flailing arm movements, my “hook” flew off my hand and landed half way across the gym floor. From that point on, my teacher made me cut a hole in a sock and insert the hook into the sock so that my hook would not be airborne again.

    I also tried to kill my boss with a chunck of glass in his merlot, but that’s for another day.

  • amelia

    I was in college, my parents were out of town for the weekend so I rented a hot tub and had a big party at their house. After a few cocktails it turned into a naked hot tub party. Some of the ladies were too shy to remove their tops but after a few more drinks those tops were thrown out in the yard. Sometime shortly after midnight my most reserved friend who happened to be quite well endowwed took her top off as well. After twenty or so minutes submerged in the hot tub she was ready to cool off and so swung her large pedulous breasts over the side of the tub and directly into the faces of two policemen who had come to bust the party! They asked for the host/hostess and that was me… I could not find my bikini so one of the guys gave me his shorts and I wrapped a towel around my top. The cops were laughing so hard as they tried to talk to me that they just said to keep the noise down and walked away. Drunk and happy and not even wondering why the cops were laughing I turned around to walk back into the back yard and standing twenty feet behind me were all the male party guests wearing the bikinis and one piece swimsuits of the ladies!

  • Melissa

    I’ll make it quick… 15 yrs old, in church with entire family, room starts to spin and I faint dead away, whacking VERY LOUDLY with my head the pew in front of me.Our priest STOPS his sermon to ask if I am OK, my brother and father pick me up to carry me out, totally unaware that my skirt has slid up to my back therefore exposing a wretched pair of ‘period panties’ and a huge maxi-pad. That mass was a full house and I am guessing over 500 people saw that scene. I never went back….

  • http://www.dooce.com tra

    I think the WORST thing evah was me, a senior in high school- going to my boyfriend’s house on new years eve- my best friend took my car to pick up another friend- my mother passed her, made her pull over- THEN made her tell where I was. When best friend came in the house with my mother out in my car waiting, I knew to get the hell out to the car, before she came in- and what did I leave behind? My panties. Granny panties at that.

    When I saw the people who were there upon our return to school after Xmas break, I couldn’t look at any of them. It was awful and nothing has beat it since.

  • Cauloccoli

    My friend Amy writes reality TV, so her embarrassing moments are much more fun to read than mine (and involve revenge):
    “I have this friend Bubba who works in production in both LA and NY, kind of like me. He was here for a job and before he left he wanted to introduce me to a guy friend of his who lives in the City – I think hoping there would be sparks.
    So last night I met Bubba and this guy Peter out for drinks. Peter wasn’t my type (really short and kind of ferrety) but he immediately seemed smart and funny and I just decided to have fun chatting him up. About 1/2 hour later, I got up to go to the ladies room.
    I’m squatting over the loo when I hear Bubba ask Peter, ‘So what do you think?’ Something about the accoustics in this little, empty bar made it possible for me to hear every word they were saying, as if they were next to me. So wasn’t I surprised when Peter answered, ‘She’s got some junk in the trunk, but not bad.’
    Now, this shouldn’t have bothered me. First of all, I’m not interested in him. Second of all, I love my ass and love it even more when it gets kind of chubby. But I couldn’t help myself. I was PISSED. What right does some little ferret guy have to judge me like that? And then worse – is that the way guys talk behind our backs all the time?
    So I was determined to say something, but I had to wait for my moment. A little while later we decided to order food. Peter asked, ‘What are you going to get?’ And I said, ‘I have to be careful what I order, because I don’t want to wind up with any junk in the trunk.’ I saw a stricken look pass over his face, but he was careful not to react or turn his head. Bubba (clueless, and genuine) was like ‘Aw baby you know you’ve got nothing to worry about.’ But I couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie…I just looked Peter in the eye and said ‘I heard you, if that wasn’t clear by now.’ Then I pretended I didn’t care, ate and made conversation for another hour, and went home.”

  • rockandrollchick

    Talking on the phone with a major client at work, about shipping that I f*ed up. Making a fake conference call to my boss- secretly telling his secretary to say he was not available. Finding out that the client heard everything I said and was not amused. I still cringe 2 years later.

  • rockandrollchick

    Just want to say some of these stories are hysterical. There’s one posted by Brian about wetting his pants 3 times in one day that made my Pepsi come out my nose, I was laughing so hard.

  • http://fireflyte.blogspot.com flyte

    back in my married days, hubby and i were having dinner with half a dozen folks from around the small town we were doing summer stock in. i can’t remember the specifics of the conversation now, but there was a couple there he didn’t know (nor did he realise their intimate connection with the ‘know what i heard?’ juicy story he was about to tell). i tried to warn him by discreetly nudging his foot. he didn’t even blink. so i trod purposefully, but still discreetly, on his foot. he looked at me oddly, i raised my eyebrows and attempted marital telepathy, but alas, he continued to plunge in to the juicy part of the story; the about-to-be-revealed couple was squirming. so i made a final effort and toed his ankle, a bit sharply. at which point he looked at me and demanded at full actor-trained voice: “Why are you kicking me under the table??”

  • Lisa

    It was 2nd grade and I had sat down at the lunch table to eat lunch. Remember those long lunch tables? I was sitting in the middle of a crowded table. I started to eat my chicken noodle soup from the thermos my mom had given me. Apparently I was coming down with the flu because I suddenly projectile vomited all over the table and all over the other kid’s lunches.
    It was weeks before anybody would eat lunch with me.

  • http://dating-is-hell.blogspot.com Roxy Chanel McPink

    I was in the hot tub at a healthclub. I was wearing a sassy lime green halter top bikini and thought I was the sexiest thing alive as I sauntered up the steps, out of the hot tub. Then my top SPRUNG open and my boobs POPPED out. No one, and I mean no one, would have noticed, except that I let out a blood curdling scream. Heads turned for miles. I scrambled back into the hot tub and some gay guy laughed hysterically at me while he helped rig my boobs back into my bathing suit. Did I mention I worked there?

  • Jenni

    At my wedding reception (low-key, brunch, 50 close family and friends, second marriage for us both) my brand-new, tipsy on mimosas sister-in-law over hears someone talking about my matron-of-honor being 4 months pregnant and barely showing. Of course “sis” misunderstands and thinks that I’M pregnant and proceeds to cause a huge scene while she loudly and drunkenly announces to everyone that “no wonder they were getting married so quickly… blah blah blah, use some birth-control”. Every person there was incredibly uncomfortable… except my drunk sister-in-law who just didn’t quite get what she had done.

  • http://cursingmama.blogspot.com CursingMama

    I threw-up in the check-out line of our small town grocery store. Not just threw-up, more along the lines of The Exorcist. Too add insult to injury I was 17, I went to high school with EVERYONE that worked there AND the bagboy in my “barfing line” was someone I had my eye on. I couldn’t even write it off to an unfortunate tequila episode. My mom wouldn’t let me drop out of school, I still haven’t forgiven her for that.

  • Cindy

    As a 15yr I was strutting around my local pool in my bikini and was noticing all the “cooler” group of guys checking me out. Also had a backache and stomach ache but that was certainly on the back burner Because THE COOL GUYS WERE LOOKING AT ME. This went on for a while feeling all cool and hip. I must of bent over to adjust my towel …it becomes a blur at this point and someone said “what is that” pointing at my butt. I looked and all the sudden the backache and stomachache came rushing at me…. I had my period and it was all over my bikini bottoms and EVERYONE knew what it was.

  • Nickie

    I don’t think I have a ‘most’ embarrassing moment, so I thought I’d share a couple.

    1. Reaching out to catch a foul ball at a minor league baseball game. I missed and the ball went right between my hands and hit me square in the mouth. Still have the piece of scar tissue in my lip. Many baseball players and trainer type people running over to me. Lots of blood. Had to fight someone else to get the ball back after I missed the catch.

    2. What a dumb girl called “The Tampon Trick” – a friend and I hadn’t gotten our periods when we were about 12, and had a pad and wanted to see how much liquid you could get in there. So we go to the bathroom at school (after school was out) and proceeded to pour Tahitian Treat on the pad until saturation. Enter bitchy girl, and taunts of ‘Tampon Trick’ and lesbian ensue for a couple of years.

  • http://www.wendyandjoey.com Wendy

    I think I have a stellar fart story, though it wasn’t embarrassing because only my sweetie was there. I farted when my fiance PROPOSED. I mean, I have IBS, it’s to be expected. But before I said yes, I farted. Um, and after, too.

  • domestikate

    My finace & I were at a wine tasting in a fancy winery in Bridehampton, Long Island.
    The wine guy gave us a whole 20 minute presentation, in the course of it he described one of the wines as having unusual finishing notes of blackberry and tobacco. In complete seriousness my boyfriend asked “but how do they get the tobacco in there?”
    The wine guy held it together pretty well and explained about grape flavors and wooden cask flavors & etc etc. We wrapped it up quickly and after we walked out the door I said “Let’s never speak of this again”.
    7 years have passed and we chuckle about tobacco wine pretty often.
    The first time my fiance met my parents it was christmas dinner. JAson was relegated to the “kids table” where my mother kept passing incredibly hot casserole dishes -between candles and over the childrens heads. While heroically trying to prevent a sidedish maiming Jason caught himself on fire. It was only a small commotion and he put it out the flame quickly but he ruined the sleeve of his favorite vintage dress up suit.
    A long and rocky relationship with his future Mother-in Law began at that kids table.

  • http://www.faggotyassfaggot.com Brian

    When I was six, the single-occupant bathroom in our classroom was taken while I was doing the little pee dance. The teacher attempted to send me down the hall, but too late. In the middle of class I wet myself.

    Two hours and a change into emergency jeans later and our class had moved upstairs to gym. All of a sudden the urge hit me again, and I peed myself for the second time of the day.

    I arrived home wearing a pair of jeans several sizes too big and carrying a plastic bag filled with two pairs of soaked pants. My mother was so mortified that we had to wash them immediately and return the spares to the school that very evening.

    Luckily we were a military family, and moved shortly thereafter.

  • Canadork

    I went on an overnight trip, and either the water or the food made my bottom system act up. I had terrible diarrhea, but I had to share a room with my friend, so I tried to make my tummy troubles as silent as possible. So, after four days of this terrible upset stomach, we arrived back in town. Great, right? I can go home and have my upset stomach in the privacy of my home.

    Unfortunately for me, my parents were out of town, so I was staying with the girl I had shared the room with on the trip. By this time I was really gassy, so my runs had turned into explosive diarrhea. Even worse, I was so cramped up that I had to bend forward to poop. Every time I felt the need to relieve myself, I had to lean forward while diarrhea shot out, accompanied by loud farts and splattering noises. Turns out that it got all over the part at the back that’s inside the bowl, but isn’t cleaned by flushing. I had to wipe it by hand every time I went, which was often.

    So there I am, with horrid explosive diarrhea in my friend’s house, and feeling really gross and unhappy, and she decided to have some people over to celebrate coming home. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was in no mood to party, so I reluctantly agreed. So she ended up getting two friends and her sister, and we’re sitting around, and it’s not so bad. I run to the bathroom every ten minutes and pray that they cannot hear me.

    I return, only to have them looking at me, and asking if I’m okay. I nodded, trying to look all nonchalant and like I was only checking my makeup or something, but I was dying inside.

  • http://mihow.com mihow

    It’s kinda funny that many of these most embarrassing moments surround bodily functions, which is ultimately the only thing EVERY human in the world can totally relate to. We all vomit, shit, fart, pee, spit and belch.

  • Mookie

    Happy Birthday! I’ve enjoyed reading the last two years!!!

  • http://www.brandonellis.org brandon

    I had a dream of watching a sunrise and realised that I really was watching it. I had crashed at a friend’s house the night before and had sleptwalked out the front door of his duplex and stood there at dawn in my tidy whities. Once I realized I really was awake, I tried to get back in but the door locked behind me. My only option was to bang on the downstairs neighbor’s window till they woke up and I was able coax them into letting me back in. It didn’t help that the guy downstairs hated me.

  • http://WellHellsBells.blogspot.com Toren

    I was sitting with my boyfriend in the back of the bus on the way home from a music field trip to go see Fiddler On The Roof. His mom was the music teacher so she was on the bus to witness what I am about to tell you. Well of course the rest of the shitheads on the bus start chanting for him to kiss me. It was to be the first kiss for both of. I popped in a peppermint and geared myself up for what was no doubt going to be the most romantic moment of my young life. Just as he was about to lean in for the kill, the fucker puked. all. over. the. place.
    His mom came running to the back of the bus as everyone had pretty much started screaming and hollering about the puke. She gave me a horrible look as she took her baby to the front of the bus to comfort him for the rest of the ride home.
    Considering that I was already as ugly as a cat’s asshole when I was that age, it didn’t help that I somehow induced someone to puke over the thought of kissing me. The rest of my school days would be marred by this experience, I was never to live that down. And him, he grew up to be one of those “gaming specialists” that went to Star Trek conventions on a monthly basis. Hmmmmm.

  • Becky

    I went to the post office to register for selective service the day of my 18th birthday. I’m female. The postal workers sent me back home and tried not to laugh too much.

  • andrea

    Around fourth grade, I was all kinds of awkward … short, pudgy, prone to loud outbursts. I was also in these stupid Gifted-And-Talented-Education (GATE) pull-out classes, which further marked me as an utterly hopeless goober.

    Our big project for the GATE class was to write and perform a play. I was reluctantly cast as one of three “toughs” who kidnap some rich girl and spirit her away to a desert island (rendered with a large cardboard palm tree and some crumpled yellow paper signifying sand). When we started talking about kidnapping and a princess, disappointment visibly creased our teacher’s face. We were GATE kids (often teased on the playground as GAY kids)! We were supposed to be brilliant, super-duper ten-year-olds and instead — all we wanted to write about was a princess getting kidnapped and rescued.

    Anyway, I think my line was, “Oh, we’ll get our ransom money!” followed by a hint of sardonic laughter. Except all that came out was laughter, tons and tons of laughter, and none of it in the least bit sardonic. I had no idea what my line was, so I just laughed hysterically for five minutes and then ran off stage. I thought I’d never live it down.

  • http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com mish

    it is nice to know that these things are universal – tucking in your skirt into your underwear and walking around for hours and all the rest that have happpend to several others but I have to share a story I read in 17 while waiting in a doctors office.

    This girl’s boyfriend had just gotten a new (well new to him Vette) and had re-upholstered it with white suede. The poor girl realized she had gotten her period and bled on his white suede seats and was so shocked by this she let out a shrill scream. This shoked the boyfriend so bad he got into a car accident. She never saw him again. I am SOOO happy nothing like that ever happend to me in highschool. So very damn happy. You realize your life is good when you read things like that.

  • http://eewie.com Ian

    wow, you opened comments back up. awesome…

    why the change?

  • http://frumdad.blogspot.com FrumDad

    It’s sad I have so many of these.

    One’s waaay too long to explain, but it ends up me, standing in my office with a senior associate looking at me, grabbing my own ass.

    One ends up with a pair of socks smoldering under a pile of snow in the main student lounge, smoking up the entire building.

    And the one my Mom loves to tell: When I was 6 I got in an elevator with my mother and a black man. After about a minute I turn to my mother and in full voice note, “That man must never wash his face. It’s so dirty.”

    –FD

  • ladyalaska

    I love the picture of you guys!! Post more!

  • http://butterstar.blogspot.com butterstar

    All this talk of escaped pee makes me want to pee. I hope I make it to the bathroom.

    Of course, if I don’t, the only witness would be my pre-schooler, and she pees on the floor regularly. She’d probably be glad for the chance to tell me that “pee goes in the potty”.

    When I was in 5th grade, I won the school-wide spelling bee to determine who would go to the city-wide spelling bee. When I was told the winning word to spell, the obscenely easy “blazer”, I found the fact that I was going to win on such a lame-ass word so incredibly hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to spell it. It must have taken 15 minutes for me to settle down long enough to do so, I was so giddy. Everyone thought I was wrong in the head, I’m sure.

    Later, when I won the city-wide one, I had to practically hurt myself to keep from laughing. I guess being giddy with laughter isn’t so bad; I could have peed instead.

    When I was a senior in high school, I was leaving my afterschool job one night. It was late, the parking lot was ill-lit, and they were doing construction and had moved the location of the road to closer to the storefront, but had yet to remove those concrete/steel posts they used to have in front of many stores, so they were in the middle of the road. These were all my excuses, anyway. For when I slammed my car right into one. Not even attempting to stop.

    Truth was, I was waving to a cute guy I worked with and totally not looking where I was going. I had honked the horn at him right before, so he looked up just in time to see me slam into the post. Amazingly, he never told anyone what an idiot I was.

    Car was totaled, and my mom told me I could not listen to the radio anymore while driving. She was sure I was fiddling with it at the time and that’s why I didn’t see the post.

    No, Mom, I had put a tape in the player before I even pulled out of the parking spot. Pat Benetar’s Greatest Hits. The smoke pouring out from under my hood was accompanied by the retro strains of “hit me with your best shot” leaking out my window into the steamy Florida night.

    It was, by far, my dumbest moment. My brother still chants “women drivers, no survivors” whenever he sees me. At the end of the year in art class, we had to draw a pen and ink picture representative of our time in high school. I did a collage of things from all four years. The post featured heavily.

    Stupid posts. They had ripped them out the very next day.

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    I was going up the escalator, coming out of the subway station, during morning rush hour. While I was standing there, I felt something slip down my leg. I have no idea what it is, so I shake my leg and look down, What do I see? A pair of my underwear rolls out of my pant leg onto the foot of the guy behind me….

    Apparently, static cling worked its evil magic and the undies had been clinging to the inside of my pant leg all morning.

    I just pretended it didn’t come from me and just walked away — very quickly.

  • http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com mish

    Wow. I read up to 250 and then had to stop. I could tell you the story but instead I’ll just post a link to my site to increase traffic. Just kidding… I read that this has happened to other women (thank fucking god) but not quite on a second date. So I might not have the highest morals – big deal. Oh yes, a lovely young man was going down on me on our SECOND DATE and I proceeded to let out a loud and stinky fart. Inches from his face. On our second date. And we went on to date for about 3 years more without ever mentioning it again.
    Another time I was quite drunk and thought it would be perfectably acceptable to pee though my fishnets – they are full of holes after all. As this was in the relative saftey of a public bathroom it is not so horribly embarassing as the first but is probably a big low point for me. After reading all these I realize that I no longer become that embarrassed at things. Yes, I HATE being made fun of but I can trip and fall and dance like an ass all year long and keep laughing at myself.
    Oh, except for that time at the office when I farted and more than a bit extra came out. Luckily my mom was my boss but it was still bad telling her. Strangly enough, in an office of 9 women, another girl shit her pants that same day also so I didnt feel so bad. Very odd though b/c we did not share ANY food in the previous days. Being miserable w/ someone is much better than solo misery.
    And then there is the period thing. In about 7th grade (yeah – “about” like the thing isnt permantly engraved in my mind) leaving algebra class I happened to look down at my yellow plastic seat only to see it covered in my blood. Seems I had bled out of my pad a whole fucking lot. Luckily I was wearing a black skirt but I still had to go to the bathroom and was the backs of my legs off. Gross!