Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • nancy

    ice skating at rockefeller center and crashing into a pudgey girl is on the top of list. it was the holiday season and the rink is always packed.

  • sheryls

    once, when i was 18, i was shopping in a Hudson’s department store in the ladie’s naughty stuff section. a group of 3 13 year old girls were giving me “looks” and laughing histerically at me whenever i’d turn away, and stop when i’d look at them. i thought, wtf ever, stupid little girls.

    I was wearing a black pull-over hoodie and jeans. this is important.

    So i walk around a bit, don’t buy anything and leave the store and enter the mall.

    I enter The Buckle which was right next to Hudson’s. People are giving me odd looks and laughing. I start to wonder, hmm, that’d odd. Suddenly, a worker from there comes up to me and puts her hand on my shoulder, steering me toward a corner.

    “I have to tell you,” she says, “that..you have..on your back… …a bra.”

    o.O Hanging FROM MY BLACK HOOD was a HUGE WHITE BRA. at least a 40DD. with lace trim. *facepalm*

    i was so mortified i just stared at her as she pulled it off my back and showed me. she asked me “where did it come from?” and i just kinda blankly said “uhh…..hudsons.” “Did you steal it?” “no, no i ..” “do you want me to take it back for you? i’ll say i found it in our racks.” “yes, yes please…”

    i was absolutely numb, and left the mall immediately. I did not enter The Buckle again for 6 years. o.O

  • http://ferociouscheese.com Nick

    I once called one of my teachers a lesbian and she was standing right behind me. She and I had to have a serious conversation about sexuality, even though I’m gay and I’ve been there. It was awful.

    Happy Birthday, Lady Dooce.

  • MadCarlotta


    Several years ago now, back when I still lived in NYC, I was in line at the ATM machine, getting out some cash to buy grocerys. In front of me in the line was a guy with Downs Syndrome. He was absoultely COVERED in hickeys, and was singing loudly with his earphones on. Now, I know I’m going to burn in Hell for this, but I couldn’t help finding this sight rather amusing.

    I dropped my bank card, and as I bent over to pick it up, my eye caught the guy behind me. He was bright red, with his hand over his mouth trying not to laugh. Thinking that he too was going to join me in Hell for laughing at the retarded kid, I gave him a little smile, at which point he started to absolutely choke.

    I finally get my money, go to the store and get home. I go to pee and discover that the leggings I was wearing (was at the gym earlier) had COMPLETELY UNRAVELLED AT THE CROTCH!!!! I was crotchless! Panicked, I immediately retraced my steps to see if I had bent over at any point, thus exposing myself…..and then I remembered the guy behind me at the ATM….

    I ran to the mirror and re-enacted picking up my bank card….it was BAD, the guy got full on porno snatch shot! He was NOT going to join me in Hell for laughing at the disabled, he was laughing at ME.


    Oh, and then there was the time that I rushed off to work and got all the way to the subway station before I realized that I was wearing pantyhose, but had forgotton to put on a skirt……no panties either….

  • http://www.howdoyoulikeme.blogspot.com/ jw

    I live a very quiet and benign life. I guess the most embarrassing thing happened last night when I screamed out my best friend’s name. And I was, um, “with” my husband.

  • domestikate

    In the heyday of internet “start-up” companies in the 1990′s I worked at a hip music company in with a fancy office in Soho. (It was like a pretend job, everyone spent 6 months dressing up & trying to pretend that we were a real company and our jobs were valid -in the hopes that yahoo would buy us and save us from bankruptcy.)

    My “trust fund kid” boss confessed to having a crush on me, (how professional). Standing in his office a few weeks later we were in the middle of a completely stationary conversation when my suede mini-skirt flew to the floor. It was the funniest feeling -it was blink of eye fast and I had been totally immobile and in mid-sentence. I guess the weight of the suede really made it fly, it was a vintage cropped “cowgirl” skirt with old zippers. Both of us quickly bent over to pick it up, I think his “you dropped your pen” instinct had kicked in -really funny to have us both trying to re-situate the skirt. At least I was wearing black tights.

    It’s hard to say if his crush made it more or less embarrassing, it was almost too ironic to consider.
    That shocking “whoosh” feeling will stick with me for the rest of my life, a rather joyus moment in my lifetime of embarrassment horrors.

  • nzle

    until i actually got it, i thought that when you were on your period you just peed blood, and that’s why you had to wear ‘diapers’….yeah.

  • MadCarlotta


    Several years ago now, back when I still lived in NYC, I was in line at the ATM machine, getting out some cash to buy grocerys. In front of me in the line was a guy with Downs Syndrome. He was absoultely COVERED in hickeys, and was singing loudly with his earphones on. Now, I know I’m going to burn in Hell for this, but I couldn’t help finding this sight rather amusing.

    I dropped my bank card, and as

  • http://holyschmidt.blogspot.com Holy Schmidt

    Read my last blog entry…

    Basically, my boss came to ask if I wassick. I turned to look at him and threw up all over my desk!

  • http://www.electricboogaloo.net tIffany

    This isn’t mine, but a friend of mine chloroformed himself. He was left alone in a chem lab in high school to write a big long paper. All the other kids were off having fun playing reindeer games or whatever and he was stuck inside writing and writing and writing. There was a little bottle of chloroform on the table and out of boredom he dropped a bit of it on his paper. It bleached out the writing instantly! Hey cooooool! And so my friend — with the seriously freakishly high IQ –decided to bleach all kinds of COOL PICTURES all over the writing of his lab report.

    He woke up three hours later to the sound of everyone laughing at his dumb ass.

  • http://www.falimakoblog.blogspot.com falimako

    When I was a teenager, I played the side drum in a marching bagpipes band. Yeah, I know, dorksville. But it was fun.
    Anyway, one day we were waiting our turn to march in an Australia Day parade. All the different floats and marching bands were on this huge sports oval, and as each group joined the parade, they would march down the middle of the oval, then out onto the road where the parade was.
    Anyway, I am stuffing around with my friends when I hear my evil nemesis, Country Music. I turn around to see that the next “float” is a truck with a Country and Western band on the back of it, and behind and in front of the truck is boot scooters. Being a teenager, and a bitch, I start to heckle. I am slapping my thigh, and screaming yeah-hah, while all my friends laugh. I am so loud and raukous that everyone on the oval is looking at me. So to take the heckiling up a notch, I jump into the air to click my heels. Just as the heels are clicking, a gust of wind blows my kilt up around my face, leaving my HOT PINK undies for all to see. I die of embarrassment, EVERYONE ELSE dies of laughter.

  • http://www.mycircuslife.blogspot.com Circus Kelli

    Heh, I used to fart during jumping-jacks at school…

  • http://www.lambic.co.uk/jenblog jen

    Even though there was no one around to see this, it’s still embarassing.

    In a bid to be healthier and also to aid in the ease of pooping, I had started eating a lot of bran cereal. Every morning before I went to the bathroom I would go into the kitchen to get the coffee started so that by the time I was done in the bathroom, the coffee would be ready. As I was making the coffee on this particular day, a day or two after starting my all bran all the time regimen, I had a very strong sudden urge, yeah, THAT urge. I was determined to finish my coffee preparations and so ignored the urgency of that special tingling feeling. The next thing I knew there was this huge SPLAT, and I do mean SPLAT, not a wussy little lower-case splat. I stood staring at the floor in complete shock and surprise. Shock and surprise quickly turned to disgust.

    I don’t often tell this story, and I usually wait until at least the second date before I do. So be honoured interweb, I’m sharing it with you.

  • Kim

    1) My Dad’s girlfriend decided we should celebrate my period. She made him take us all out to Red Lobster. I could tell my Dad was just as miserable as I was. She told them it was my birthday (Nope. Just bleeding from my bathing suit area. Dont mind me.) and the put a DAMN LOBSTER hat on my head and sang happy birthday and took a picture. I still have the scanned copy if you want proof.

  • nicole

    I was running for a cable car that had just left the stop – hands grasp the pole, one foot makes it onto the ledge but one foot doesn’t – proceed to drag leg and eventually whole body down the street as my hands slip down the pole. I finally let go and tumble down the street a little ways. People scream, the car is stopped, napkins are offered to clean up my hamburgered legs and palms. I’m fine – clothes aren’t ripped, gonna be on time to work, etc. A group of tourists on the car are staring at me, and all of their children are crying. Because of me. and the screaming. What a great morning.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/brief_therapy geena

    Office Christmas Party. Skirt caught up in my waistband after I went to the bathroom right after I arrived. Nobody told ME about it until the next day. Then EVERYBODY thought I should know.

  • http://www.disgustinglyhappy.blogspot.com devon

    I was verrrry shy and easily embarrassed as a kid. So the fact that in 8th grade my science teacher made us take turns reading aloud in class was excruciating enough to begin with – and to add to my discomfort, we had to share a textbook with our “lab partners,” AND mine just happened (alphabetically) to be a really popular, cool jock.

    So we were studying geology and doing the reading aloud thing one day, and I’m peering at the textbook with my super cool lab partner, and it’s mine turn to read. Mustering all of my courage, projecting my tiny voice as loud as I can, I read a paragraph about volcanic ash, only it comes out VOLCANIC ASS.

    The entire class, including my teacher, died laughing. In fact, I was somehow drowning in embarrassment and yet also laughing so hard that I couldn’t even get myself together to finish the paragraph, because – please, to this day I can’t think of VOLCANIC ASS without laughing.

  • http://www.jenguin.com Jen

    Love everyone’s stories, and I thought it’s only fair that I play along too.

    8th grade, history class. Our teacher was the one that had to help us with our cap and gown forms. He had to measure our heads for what size cap. He was the funniest teacher we’d ever had but he was funny because he’d poke fun about everyone. Nobody was safe. Even me, the quiet girl. So I went up to the back of the class, took my height measurement and then he took the tape and put it around my head. Now, my “hairstyle” at the time involved a lot of hairspray and a swoosh like wave — giving the top part of my hair extra “volume”. So when the tape went around it, the section of hair moved AS ONE piece. Oh he hit the jackpot. He started to pat it and exclaim to the class “Look! It bounces back!” For the quiet girl, that was pretty horrible.

    4 years ago, I had a summer job that required me to commute. For awhile, I was car pooling with a friend, but he went off to France for the rest of the summer which left me to take public transit. The first day I decided I’d wear my new jean skirt and snazzy brown sandals, and walk in the crisp morning air to the light rail stop. As I’m walking, the heel of my sandal smooshes (it’s not a solid/tough heel) a little, I hear a loud pop (sprained!) and start to stumble forward. I put out my hands and SMACK! I hit the sidewalk. My skirt had flown up. Now, this wouldn’t had been too horrible, except another light rail train had just stopped at the light as I took my spill. So I gave a show to all the morning commuters. I ended up sitting on the sidewalk, starting to cry from the pain and a woman across the street yells to me asking if I was ok. I ended up calling my bf, sobbing, and having him pick me up.

  • sarah

    I have a couple:
    Swimming at school camp, got period, girl I hated came up and told me there was blood running down my leg…..but she didn’t think anyone else had noticed….uh huh..I tried very valiantly to drown myself….

    Walking into uni class with the requisite toilet paper hanging out of my skirt. To this day I have no idea how I missed that….mind you, I was 8 months pregnant at the time…

  • Sarah

    Oh, and of course, the obligatory fart during sit-ups at school.

  • http://karinka1.blogspot.com karinka

    Hmm…would it be the time when I rushed to “suit up” for swim practice and left my bra on, and everyone giggled before I realised what they were sniggering at? Or would it be the time I was an LDS missionary (yes, I believe!) in pajamas in my apartment with my companions when the phone rang, so I jumped up to answer it when I tripped over my pants and they came falling down revealing “my essence”? Or would it be the time I fell out of the hottub and broke my wrist? I don’t know. I have so many to choose from.

  • Mary T.

    I think my most embarrassing moment revolves around farting at school too. I was in the tried grade and we were having an indoor recess because of bad weather. I was working a puzzle off to the side and out of nowhere I farted *incredibly* loud. They all laughed at me and I’ll admit, I cried a little. Cut me some slack on the crying; I was eight!

  • Sarah

    One evening, after one too many bottles of wine, I thought it a good idea to take some ‘naughty’ photos of myself for my boyfriend (pre digital camera days). I had no memory of taking these photos.
    This was also around the same time my brother got married.
    After getting the 10 rolls of film developed from the wedding, my family and I sat around going through the photos. I had distributed a packet to each person (before inspecting them myself).
    My nana was the lucky recipient of the ‘naughty’ photos and just said inquisitively “who takes these photos?” and I went over to see what she was looking at.
    Oh. My. God. It was only at that point that I had any recollection of taking those photos. Let’s just say the photo was a very close view of the lower regions.
    Worst moment ever.

  • http://openmouth-insertfoot.blogspot.com Yasmine

    In honor of you, Dooce, I am commenting for the first time EVER on any site.

    Although I have been known to fart loud enough to wake myself out of sleep (which my boyfriend was kind enough to never mention even though we both know it happened), this particular moment of embarrassment has nothing to do with passing gas from my bottom system, as you might say.

    However, the story DID take place during high school and better still, involved the internet.

    Harken back to a time when most people did not have computers in the home and imagine what header you would choose for your seventh grade email in the school computer lab. Well, not only did I pick “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi” but I stupidly responded to an email sent out by an art teacher I had never even had. She was either so incensed by my heading, or else she felt the urge to reply oui, that she sent home A LETTER TO MY PARENTS. Can you believe that? A letter in which she said that their daughter attending GIFTED SCHOOL had asked “Will you sleep with me?” in an email to a teacher… IN SEVENTH GRADE. Of course this note had to be signed and returned to school but I got around that by having the foreign nanny sign it. I was mortified and I avoided that teacher for the next six years.


  • http://eyesaverted.blogspot.com/ Wicked H

    Happy Blogiversary!!

    I took out an entire J-bar line on my first trip skiing. Not only did they have to stop the bar and untangle me they also had to send a few of my victims for medical attention.

  • http://strikter.net rodrigo (strikter)

    When I got my girlfriend preagnant and I had to see her parents to talk about it.

    That’s embarassing, luckily I didnt get any of the blog birthday disease you are talking about.

  • http://www.grace.blindally.com witchy

    I thought I had already posted this, well that is only mildly embarassing… I have many stellar moments, most of which involved alcohol in my wasted youth, but I do believe that I hold the record for breaking two, count em, TWO toilets at two different times. Seems when I had a buzz on, I forgot how to lower myself daintily onto the throne…I was skinny in those days too.

  • http://jimmckay.blogspot.com Jim

    Similar to Alex, I was at a business meeting when a colleague sneezed. Trying to be a gentleman I offered her the handkerchief that was in my suit pocket.

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t a hanky after all, but instead they were my fiance’s pantyhose which she took off at a wedding reception (“These things ARE KILLING ME!”) and gave to me to put in my pocket. I had a hard time explaining why I had an extra pair of nylons in my suit pocket.

  • http://livinlife007.blogspot.com/ Tigergirl

    Hey, meant to say I love your blog. Spent the entire time I had flu, reading through every single page. It made me laugh so hard. Thanks Heather. And I hope all will be even keeled for you now; poopwise; fartwise; and otherwise. You have my sympathies in the poop dept.
    Happy Blogirthday. I hope you managed a big poop to celebrate, followed by tequila!

  • http://www.creativecopy.com.au/waffle.html Lynda

    I was chatting to a friend I hadn’t seen for about ten years. We were comparing the different charities we’d both worked for, and when a certain wish-granting foundation for seriously ill children came up, I went, “Ah, no, I’m not such a fan, you know, little white priveleged children with enough to eat…” And he said: “Ah, well, they’ve been very good to our boy Mark…”

    Argh. Argh. Argh. I still cringe at the memory…

  • http://www.maxxthebird.com shelley

    I once mentioned something to a woman at a bar who was not drinking. “Well, I guess you can’t in your condition.”

    She was not pregnant.

    Since then, I make no mention of any female being in the family way unless I see a baby emerging from between her legs.

  • http://livinlife007.blogspot.com/ Tigergirl

    The summer after high school graduation, I worked at a well known restaurant as a hostess. I was 18 years old and fairly naivé.

    After a couple of months, and one night after we closed – we were all standing round having drinks as we normally did. It was a fun place to work! The boss starting ragging on me that I was too prissy to hack being a waitress.
    Oh please.
    That was SO a red flad to a bull. Duly went into the next training pool to be a waitress to prove that fucker wrong. Also to make more money. Those waiters were making huge sums compared to mine as a hostess.

    Anyway, about two weeks into training, we buddied up with a senior waiter to wait on our first unsuspecting victims. My ‘buddy’ was this older gay guy who was hysterically funny to work with and I felt really safe with him. (nb: we didn’t earn tips at this point. The trainers got to keep all the tips while they trained us.)

    As he sent me out to my first lunch order, a table with 10 business men, he reminded me to pay careful attention to detail in order to give the best service possible. He said, “Look, these guys ALWAYS order draught beer. Make sure you ask them if they want head, or no head with their beer.”

    Stoke with confidence by my trainer — I went to take their order. As predicted, they all wanted beer on tap. As I turned to leave, I realised I’d forgotten to be sure to ask them if they wanted head or no head.

    As the ‘head or no head?’ part came out of my mouth – the penny dropped. My face turned about 28 gazillion shades of red. I looked over to the wait station and EVERY. SINGLE. WAITER. AND. MANAGER. AND. COOK. AND. BUSBOY. were GAGGING with laughter.

    And the customers at the table were stifling laughs.

    But I got a big tip. And my trainer/buddy let me keep it all.

  • http://heeds.blogspot.com heidi

    most embarrassing moment:
    when i was in 6th grade, got to go on a summer trip with the high schoolers (my mom was the cook). They were all being cool and writing their names on the whiteboard in the lodge dining room with little goodbye messages to the summer-town. I wrote my full name also and a goodbye message.
    What do you know as we were leaving and they were erasing the board my name stayed up there in permanant ink. I was sentenced to wipe it off unsuccessfully (white boards were a new thing back then) in front of all the super-cool high schoolers. I was very embarrassed.
    As far as I know my full name and message is still on that board to this day!

  • LaE

    Blog-related and VERY recent:

    I started seeing this guy here in Europe and through his blog found his girlfriend’s blog (what! girlfriend?) back in the States and started to read it almost obsessively. Then the other day I found a post on her site about me obsessively lurking- she had tracked me through statcounter. Yikes! So I revealed myself and now we’re like, friendly, so whatever. But still.

    Also: farted during a performance review at a job, years ago. Loud, but not stinky.

  • http://www.theskyisfallingin.com Cloudy

    I had a fake tooth that I could take in and out. One night, while at a bar with a friend, we decided to hit on a guy. We asked him to sit down with us & just as he was going to, I said something stupid & my tooth flew out of my mouth. In slow motion, it bounced 3 times across the table & dropped to the other side where I could not reach. I screamed as the guy picked it up for me & handed it back. I said: “That’s My Lucky Tooth!” & put it in my pocket.

  • Em

    I have many moments of farts, mud puddles, and drunken oblivion, but one is so different it surpasses all the others.

    Just after my undergrad, I was working in a village in India as part of an internship programme. One of my co-workers invited me to the wedding of one of her family members in another village. I was thrilled – what an amazing opportunity! As a foreigner, however, I didn’t know what was appropriate to wear to an Indian wedding. My friend assured me she would lend me appropriate clothes, and off we went to her home town.

    On the day of the wedding, she announced I would get dressed first. She leant me the most amazing Indian dress. The skirt was fushia and gold, embroidered with pearls. It was worn with a sari-like top, and a gold, fushia and pearl head scarf that covered my hair and draped across my chest. She also leant me jewellery that can only be described as a ‘circlet’ – kinda like a crown.

    And then she announced we were both ready and whisked me out the door to the wedding. She was dressed in her work clothes – plain coloured trousers and a plain navy smock. No jewellery. I kid you not. I looked like a blonde Indian princess, and SHE DID NOT. In fact, no one at the wedding was dressed like me BUT THE BRIDE. And even the bride was only dressed in red, NOT GOLD, FUSHIA, PEARLS AND A CROWN.

    When we got to the wedding, I was the only foreigner there, and the centre of attention for the whole night. The entire wedding video was of me – a man with a spotlight followed me around all night. I was told over and over and over in broken English, “You are so beeeuuuuteeeful, so so beeuuuteeeful.”

    I swear it was the longest night of my life. I wanted to sink into the earth and die. I was the foreign kid wearing a ball gown to a frat party. Yep, since then when things seem bad, I just think at least I’m dressed right, and know just how much that means.

  • http://www.dadgonemad.com Dr. Johnny Fever

    At my son’s bris, in front of all of my family and friends, I passed out when the doctor handed me my son’s foreskin and said, “Bury this.”

  • bignik

    ok, i’m a dunce. i didn’t see the comments under the actual post. wow, this is cool.

    anyway, to save on redundancy, go the the daily photo comments and read #110. it’s about an accidental penis appearing in some printed material i designed. classic. photos too!

  • http://daisyhead.org Daisyhead

    Happy Birthday! So glad you’re still around.

  • Kerri

    I was not exactly the best athlete in high school, but I did like to try. I played soccer as a freshman…During one game a ball went flying into the air with an arc that made it clear I was going to have to try to get it with my head. The really unfortunate thing was that the ball and I were going to have to do this right in front of the bleachers, which were packed with people – including BOYS. Well, the inevitable happened: I jumped up to head the ball, and missed it entirely, which is probably one of the most awkward looking movements known to man. While the people in the bleachers laughed I tried to run it off like I wasn’t embarrassed. As Miss Heather probably knows, it is damned tough being a gangly tall teenage girl (but we get some benefits out of it later, don’t we Dooce?).

  • http://mihow.com mihow

    Over Christmas break this past year, I projectile vomited all over the diner I worked at while I was in college. We used to throw people out or make them pay 50 dollars for vomiting in that place. And there I am, years after the fact, vomiting on the way to the bathroom, through my sweater sleeves, and then once I was in the bathroom, all over the its walls and floor.

    It was the ugliest, most humiliating moment I have ever gone through. I got down on all fours and tried my hardest to clean it up, but I then began to vomit again.

    Toby joe and I quickly left during a break from the perception.

    I might never go back there again.

  • Julie

    the summer after my freshman year in high school, i was hanging out with around 20 or so of my friends. we were all hanging out on my friends front porch, when we heard a really long, really loud scream. seeing as we were broke, couldn’t drive, and extremely bored we decided to go see what was happening. we all started running, and i was leading everyone, until suddenly i realized i was way ahead of everyone and they had all stopped and were just standing around. i stopped running turned around and screamed ‘HEY EVERYBODY! LOOK!’ and right as everyone turned and looked, i slipped and fell, wiped out cartoon style and landed on my back. people STILL don’t let me live it down, and it was 4 years ago!!!

  • http://kat.colorlessgreen.net kat

    I was at a summer conference in Michigan where a bunch of us “professionals” decided to have a water gun fight on campus. Just as the fight began – it started to downpour. So – we all run inside and everyone makes it, except me because I fall flat on my ass in the foyer from the slick tiles. So there I am, bighting back tears and staring up into the surprised faces of my peers. God my ass hurt. I was 27.

    Happy blog birthday!

  • ember

    My embarrassing moment was also mixed with terror. I lived in a house on the edge of town that was bordered by a huge parking lot. So, as people were driving out of town, there was the parking lot, then my house, very visible. There was also a smaller house to the side and back of my house where this big, burly biker dude named Gary lived. I also had a friend who sometimes brought her 6 month old lab puppy to my house and chained him to the dog run in the back yard. She did this if she had the dog with her when she came into town and she had errands to do and it was too hot for the dog in her car.

    When my son was three, we were suffering some of the hottest, muggiest weather of our northern Michigan summer. Awful. To get some relief, I ran a tub of cool water and my son and I took a bath for a bit. When bath time was over, I lifted him out and off he ran, to his room, I thought, while I enjoyed the cool water, alone, for another minute or two. I was just getting out of the tub when I heard him screaming from the back yard! I grabbed a towel, which wasn’t quite large enough to wrap around and stay, especially with those DD’s I sport. I ran to the backyard, which was fully visible from the road, and found my naked kid with my friend’s puppy’s chain wrapped around his neck. This puppy was very excited to see us so he was jumping around like crazy. Each time, the chain around my son’s neck tightened and almost knocked him off his feet. He was like a rag doll, I tell you. I thought the puppy was going to snap my kids neck. I started struggling to get the chain from around my boy’s neck. Unfortunately, now the puppy thought he had two people who wanted to play with him so he just got that much more excited. I needed two hands to unwrap the chain from my son’s neck. It was either keep the towel in place or risk really hurting my son. I dropped the towel. I was now naked and in full view of the traffic on the road, which began to slow with some honking and catcalling, as I was bouncing around, naked, totally panicked with a crazy puppy strangling my little boy. I finally managed to get the chain from around my boy’s neck. I probably got the chain off pretty damn fast, once I dropped the towel, but it seemed like HOURS. Crying, I gathered my son up and as I went for the towel, I caught Gary Biker Dude’s eyes…he had been watching the whole show from his kitchen window, didn’t try to help, just watched. Creeped me out and pissed me off.

  • One For History

    I don’t have one that I could think of, but I do have one of my mother, who now, at 44, would kill me if she knew I was writing about her on the internet.

    When my mother was in highschool, she was on the basketball team. She wasn’t the most athletic, but she wanted to be on the team with her friends and some how, she made it.

    During one of her games, a crush of hers was sitting in the bleachers, and she noticed him. All of a sudden someone called her name and threw the ball to her.

    She started down the court, threw the ball, made the shot and was so proud.

    As she turns around to smile at her crush, her entire team is looking at her in disbelief. SHE SHOT AT THE WRONG HOOP.

    She said she has never been so embarassed. I find the whole thing hilarious.

  • http://blogs.salon.com/0002504 Anita

    I was teaching a class when I was a graduate student. After class, one of my students came up to me:

    “Ms. Blanchard, you know how you told us to tell you if you ever got chalk on your face?”


    “Well, your skirt’s not zipped all the way up.”

    I reached around to my butt and zipped my skirt up. The good news is that I had on underwear. The bad news is that it was some of my ugliest granny bloomers I owned, white with little blue flowers on it.

    That was about 5 years ago. I always check my zipper before class. (My husband just pointed out that before we were married and he was visiting me in NC from LA, I walked around the airport with my skirt tucked into my thong.)

    Honestly, I have tons of embarrassing moments. Like milking my own boob at work on Friday because I forgot my breast pump. The butt trumps the boob though because I didn’t milk my boob in class or in an airport.

  • http://germbox.blogspot.com Mallie

    6th grade, my first band concert. We had practiced earlier in the day how and when to leave and enter the rows of chairs, so everything went off without a hitch when the time came, right? Riiiight. We filed in all nice and orderly, the band director gave the motion for us to sit…and I fell flat on my ass because there was no chair behind me. The chairs were on risers so the boom that resulted was pretty impressive. I was the first seat on the second row so everyone in the bleachers got a nice unobstructed view of me falling down and going boom, literally.

    9th grade, dodgeball game. You know how on TV they show a projectile approaching the camera and it is super slow motion? That’s what it was like with the dodgeball that was chucked at me. I was watching this big red ball flying at me mach 2 and thinking “Wow, I can see the pattern on the ball, this looks like slow motion, how cool is that? I suppose I better duck out of the wa…*POW* in the face. The force of the hit knocked me flat and burst a blood vessel in my eye. I got up, stunned, with bloody tearss running from one eye. The guy who threw the ball had the nerve to laugh at me so when I walked by on the way to the locker room I kicked him in the nuts. That’ll teach him. Stupid dodgeball. Stupid PE.

    Long time reader, first time commenter. Enjoy the site!

  • suchagirl

    I was driving home and I realized that the boy I had a crush on was driving behind me. I kept glancing at him in the rearview mirror (Okay it was more like glancing at the road while staring at him.) I even tried to keep him in view when I switched over to the left turn lane and as I started turning. I was looking back at the road after watching him, sad that I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore, and realized that I was turning even though there were cars coming! I slammed on my brakes and the person who I had almost cut off honked loudly at me as he swerved to avoid my half turned car. I felt like such a girl.

  • http://jessika208.blogspot.com Jessica

    I was at the local waterpark and after a long wait, it was finally our turn to ride Brand New Popular Water Ride. It basically consisted of a vertical drop in an raft thing, so the guy working it warned us to keep our chins to our chests.
    Yeah, sure, whatever, I say. We plummet down and sure enough my head flies back and makes a terrible THUMP on the ride. All of the hundreds of people in the queue line witness this and simultaneously go: “Ooooooooh!”

    When the ride is over, I get up out of the tube; yeah, don’t worry everyone, I’m okay, it’s cool.

    Then I lose my balance and fall. By now, the crowd has grown to thousands of people and now every single one is laughing at me. To make things worse, let’s just pretend my crush was there. And it was my period, why not.

    Obviously, I have not gone back to that ride since.

  • Scott

    When I was in 8th grade I decided to not be so anti-social so I signed up to play football for the school, this was my first and last time. While I often never played I helped cheer the team on. In the heat of the moment of the game at the top of my lungs I yelled “Defense” only one problem we had the ball.