• PinkPoppies

    Like your sign totally wins, and totally rocks. Your husband is too polite…

    My baby (now almost 7 boo hoo) no longer naps but I once ran out in slippers and nighties in the snow (!)and waved a shovel at some kids that thought it was totally amusing (NOT!!!) to fling snowballs so hard they broke a window and woke up my baby. GRRR.

    And I agree, to new moms, sleep is the new drug of choice. So door to door saleperson, “back away slowly and no one will get hurt!”

  • http://tiggerlane.blogspot.com Tiggerlane

    Heather wins the sign war!!

    Seriously, though – I think the prospect of a hideous baby-hippo-head clog hurled at the offending party would be an equal threat.

    I always feel badly for the LDS boys who come knocking at our house. My husband always wants to use the opportunity to lambast them for temporarily brainwashing his wife and attempting to lure her back into the fold. I usually let them know up-front that I’m a voluntarily excommunicated recovering Mormon, and that I’ll let them guess what sexual depravity I committed to achieve that status within the church. Always good, coupled with a kind smile!

  • http://www.wonked.net Wonked

    The sign is clever, but you need something a bit more viral.

    I prefer to answer the door clutching a bottle of lube and a tassled whip clad in nothing other than cowboy boots and a red sox baseball clap.

    I don’t get repeat visitors.

  • http://www.thejulietfiles.com Julie Thomas

    I once read that Katharine Hepburn had a sign on her door that said “Please Go Away.”

  • http://wwwranting.blogspot.com Muffin

    Yeah those people working on their communications skills have come to my house twice. I try to be nice but I generally tell them I’d like to go to the Virgin Islands myself so I’ll be keeping my $60 but thanks for offering to let me help you.

  • tsans

    by the way, a subscription to US Weekly does cost $60. it goes up in july. so sad that i know this, but i just renewed b/c i wanted to keep the lower rate. guess i’m a sucker, too!

  • http://www.houseofhill.blogspot.com gin

    This sign is a beautiful thing! I love Heather’s edited version. My friends actually hooked a little shocker thing to their doorbell so you get zapped each time you attempt to ring the bell.

  • http://skorky64.blogspot.com Skorky64

    I sold Girl Scout cookies for thirteen years, and the sales time was always in January. Bless those neighborhood ladies that let me step inside and warm up while they dithered over their Trefoils vs. Samoas.

    And yes, I *had* to beat last year’s record each time. I hated those girls whose daddies took their forms to work.

  • http://www.subtleglow.com Lily

    I would use your sign, and at the bottom add the quote:

    “I’m a donkey on the edge!!”

  • kendall

    that sign is loltastic.

  • http://fairycreations.blogspot.com Arty Steph

    Yup, I totally dig Heather’s sign :) Of course, I just never answer the door. . .but then again, i just have an obnoxious dog, no baby :)

  • http://www.wd-39.com Kevin Worthington

    Is that a real sign? Or Photoshop? I can’t tell!

  • http://www.pennyrene.com Penny Rene

    I’ve been wanting to hand out cards (in very sweet typography) that read:

    I’m sure you do not want a bullet/shoe in your ass, which is why I am politely asking you to take your
    -loud motercycle
    -car stereo
    -beeping truck

    to another country far from my baby. Sleep is like crack for us and I will do anything to get it.
    I am not afraid of you.

    Thank you.

  • http://www.jillshalvis.com/blog Jill Shalvis

    Your sign is waaaaay better. I need to make me one of those.

  • http://www.jillshalvis.com/blog Jill Shalvis

    Your sign is waaaaay better. I need to make me one of those.

  • Kiki

    My roomies and I live next to the Volunteers of America. Homeless men trek over to our group of townhouses selling whatever. I am not a door opener, but my roomies are. They have a hard time resisting the cute, dirty old man outside. They write checks. Suckers.

  • Katie

    I have to agree that your sign is much better. So few people get a subtle message–a message with more intensity and a higher danger level is best. I also agree with Jlemm that it needs a “have a nice day” at the end, though I’d change that to include “have a nice f–king day.” Ahhhh..perfect!

  • http://bucketfullofsass.blogspot.com Furious Redhead

    Very nice. I always wanted to frame my cross stitch sampler that says “Fuck Off and Die” with the cute bunnies and doves and hang that on my front door. I’m sure the little old ladies in my neighborhood would approve!

  • http://ccrafton.blogspot.com Candice

    Signs like Jon’s don’t work. I put one up on our door, and people rang anyway. We eventually just disconnected our doorbell.

    I would’ve liked a sign like yours. Of course with my luck, the day I put it up is the day my pastor randomly stops by for tea or something.

  • http://www.vwsista.blogspot.com vwsista

    Such a lovely sign, Heather. I’m sure yours would work much better.

  • Sunni

    Something tells me that your sign would be much more effective.

    I have a no soliciting sign on my office door but I fear I mistakenly used invisible ink since the copy machine and office supply salesmen can’t see it. When they enter my office I say, “Damn, did I use invisible ink on that no soliciting sign again?” They laugh, thank me for my time and leave.

    But enough about me, I love your sign!

  • http://myflux.blogspot.com Huts

    Love your sign. We’ve had several run-ins with sales kids trying to go on a trip somewhere by selling magazines. It’d be cheaper if they saved the money themselves. I actually took back a subscription order from them. I had been stupid and my kid needed food. They weren’t happy.

  • http://www.iprettymuchhateeverything.com Torrie

    Yeah, I would totally use the second sign.

    We have a sign that says “This house is maintained for the comfort and security of our animals. If you don’t like it, please GO AWAY”

  • http://maxgus.blogspot.com napangel

    I like your version so much better!

  • http://www.carrisablog.com carrisa

    Yes I vote for Heather’s sign. Hey, at least you had the courtesy to edit the bad words…

  • http://www.jenireno.blogspot.com Jeni

    Yeah, I think I’m partial to your sign.

  • Jlemm

    The second sign needs “Have a nice day” at the bottom. Or maybe “Start running – I’m reloading.”

  • http://kassig.squarespace.com/ Kassi Gilbert

    My husband sells cable service door-to-door. It is the hardest, most grueling job that he has ever held. His pay is based on how many sales he brings in (i.e. commission), he has a quota to make, and if the technician doesn’t install the service, he gets penalized.

    Our bills are paid by his efforts. He works so that I can stay home and raise my kids instead of a stranger, who will most likely abuse or neglect them (which we have experienced).

    He works this job to feed us, clothe us, and otherwise make our lives as liveable as possible. Unfortunately, the state in which we live has the highest unemployment rate, and jobs (good paying jobs) are hard to come by unless you are an engineer. My husband is not.

    So, he does this job…and every day comes home to tell me what repugnant, belligerent, jerkholes people are to his face EVERY DAY–just because he knocked on their door. That’s what doors are for…most have knockers for this very reason…and looky there, a sidewalk leading right up to it.

    Several people in his department have had to take time off of work for sick leave due to the stress. A co-worker of his died of a heart attack-job related stress.

    So, I say…yes put up the sign. Especially if it saves you from having to be a total jackass to a hardworking, unsuspecting human being trying to feed his or her family. And if it saves the sales person from having to deal with such in return. At least the sign keeps everyone peaceful…and out of the hospital.

    By the way, this by no means implies you or your family are repugnant jerkholes, and I do not like to be solicited any more than anyone else. But there is a way to do it and a way not to do it…and unfortunately most people don’t have the social skills to handle this situation tactfully.

    I’m all for the (first) sign. If they knock or ring after that, then they deserve whats coming to them.

  • fernicus

    I vote for your sign. It contains the word that we, the insane mothers of the world, utter most frequently when some moron dares interrupt our childs precious
    sleep with careless doorbell ringing.

    Legislation needs to be passed making this a crime punishable in an appropriate fashion. Perhaps being locked in a room with 10 colicky babies from the hours of say, 6 pm til 2 am.

  • trophywife

    I’m so glad to know I’m not the only idiot on the planet that fell for the I buy the magazine and it goes to the kid in the hospital scam!

    I hope those people will end up scamming their way to get a pretty blue pill to keep their huge cell mate and his hole O’ love happy.

    The guy that scammed me only got away with $30, but he worked the whole neighborhood so who knows how many fell for it. I’m in GA so he must like to travel far and wide.

    I like your version of the sign better Heather. : )

  • HDC

    I think the overwhelming vote is for Dooce’s version. Though I’d have added a big picture of the meanest, bloodthirstiest looking snarling presa canario/pitbull hybrid I could find. That will drive home the point.

  • http://theboldsoul.com The Bold Soul

    You know, I’ve lived in New Jersey my entire life and although we have had our share of kids selling fundraiser candy and magazines and gift wrap, and you can usually spot the Jehovah’s Witnesses coming a mile off (I pretend I’m not home), just the other day we had our first Mormons come a-knocking on the door. (Does anyone EVER let them in?) Between them and the non-denominational religious zealots who showed up just the week before… man, people must really think New Jersey needs some SAVING.

    Having no sleeping baby and not wishing to invent one, here’s my version of the No Soliciting sign:

    “Thank you for disturbing the peace and quiet of my home with your arrogant need to tell me how your particular brand of religion is the “right” one or to sell me some crap I don’t need. Be sure to leave a card with your home address on it so I can visit you at YOUR home during the dinner hour and spout off about my own beliefs. You now have exactly 15 seconds to run for your life before this porch self-destructs.”

  • http://www.troll-baby.com Karen Rani

    I have the bottom sign on my door, right f–king now.

  • http://jody2ms.com/ jody2ms

    ” and although he had every inclination to show her how his clogs could be flung instantly from his feet like a cannon”

    LOL! Where do you come up with this stuff?!!!! I want to be clever like that, dammit!!!

  • Staci

    I put up a sign in my door (Baby Sleeping) and (Mommy too) so that when my UPS man delivers all of my GOODS…my dogs don’t go bullistic and wake my “sleeping baby”. Once in a while some other idiot will knock on the door and the whole day is ruined!! My dogs are just nuts when it rings!

  • http://angelmilk.wordpress.com angelmilk

    I like the idea of planning an escape.. although, mine is 15 now so she could probably follow me ;)

  • http://www.myspace.com/18403337 drwallyb

    What if the solicitor can’t read? You might need some kind of visual. Maybe a picture of your middle finger? Or incase some kiddies come to sell more $60 magazines, a picture of sick child in a hospital bed saying, “We already support sick kids with nothing to read.”

  • http://www.ugagrad1995.blogspot.com/ Paige

    I need the second sign, but it needs to say that whoever pressure washes his fence or mows his lawn anywhere from noon until 2:00. The neighbor behind me does this at least weekly and it is always in the middle of naptime. Both kids sleep on the back side of the house too. Makes for a very looooong day.

  • Chloe

    Our doorbell has never worked. It’s wonderful. I highly recommend it. The only time I miss it is on Halloween because we do like to see the children, but the dog barks and that works for us.

  • Coolbeans

    Great post! Unfortunately, US Weekly does cost around 60 bones for a subscription. It’s absolutely ridiculous, and, though I’m addicted to the mag, I wouldn’t let myself subscribe because of the price, which equals to about $1.30 per issue….So, I keep buying it off the shelves for ~$3.50 per issue… ;( Anyway, the upside of your mag subscription experience? Perhaps some sick person did in fact get US Weekly magazines from you!!!!!

  • http://wouldbewritersguild.com TiffyWiffyPooPooWanna

    Is there soliciting when the baby isn’t sleeping? Because I’ve got some really neat wrapping paper I’d like to bring by sometime…. My kid is raising money for the PTA.

  • http://maisondangereuse.blogspot.com Brad Martin

    I think you should include a picture of yourself with your hair all crazy and one eye squintier than the other, maybe some cat food stuck to your face.

  • mediaguy74

    The sign should be one that is round with an arrow with different messages. So depending on your mood and all that, you move the arrow to the appropriate message. If that fails, I am in favor of the 2nd one. Much more poetic.

  • http://psycho316.livejournal.com sperose

    i’m definitely more a fan of the second sign.

  • http://bellybuttonbugs.blogspot.com bellybuttonbugs

    Now that reads like a line from Pulp Fiction.

    Quentin Tarrantino would be proud.

  • http://www.everqueer.com Everqueer

    I can only imagine what it’s like to be disturbed by anyone coming to the door like that.

    Thankfully this kind of soliciting (and panhandling!) are illegal in Cuyahoga County (Cleveland, Ohio)

  • http://esprit_de_l_escalier.typepad.com/ Claire Jennings

    Your sign reminds me of one my mother has in one of her junk closets in her basement. It says something to the effect of, “You f- with me and you f- with the entire trailer park.”

  • dellladownunder

    Go on Heather, use your sign… you know you want to.

  • http://www.greggdigressions.blogspot.com Melessa

    As someone who also once hocked my religion door-to-door, but is now a mother whose children take naps; I couldn’t agree more. Frankly, I’m more annoyed by the magazine kids than the JW’s. But that may just be me.

  • PixieMegh


    I’ll take Dooce by proxy. It would make for a good blog title too. LOL