• violetgirl

    Big hugs to you, Heather!! I’ve been reading your blog 4-eva and I wanted to let you know that no one else makes me laugh or tear up more. I especially love your newsletters to Leta. You have bightened my life and have made my own struggles with anxiety/depression a bit more bearable through your amazing entries. I hope that you are feeling all of our virtual support. You have people all over the country who care about you. Please don’t hesitate to share what’s going on if you feel that would help. If you choose to keep it private, know that is okay too. I’m sending many warm thoughts to you and your family. P.S. Leta is ADORABLE!!! You can just tell how happy and well-loved she is. You are doing a great job.

  • http://emeryjo.blogspot.com emery jo

    thank you.

  • http://www.jenjennyjennifer.typepad.com Jennifer Johnston

    She’s just too cute! Hoping you’re having more good days than bad.

  • manduca

    damn, that video is painfully cute. and when the slow mo part started, i thought, no, it wasn’t that cute, there’s no reason for slo-mo. but there was! and i was all, internal heartstrings. dear god! you must stop!

    other thing: before getting in the car to run pedestrians over 1) get a cow catcher (although that may impede your future legal defense, suggesting pre-meditation, although i think you’re already screwed there), and 2) go to jamba juice and ask for the wheat grass juice. making it is a miserable experience. they always make the newest empoyee do it. they have to cut the grass by hand, with a knifey thing. then they have to grind it. you don’t actually have to drink the stuff (my friend likens it to the taste in your mouth after you fell off your bike and hit the lawn face first), but it’s only a buck and you get to watch/cause human misery.

    i’m now on 3 different psych meds – my persistent depression has me switching meds pretty frequently. it sucks, but i’m on a great combo now and i’ve got a psychiatrist whose goal is for me to be well, rather than just not suicidal. good luck with it, and if it’s at all helpful, let me encourage you to try to get the most out of meds.

  • http://www.cycleofsong.blogspot.com LoRi~fLoWer

    I’m sure my comment will get lost among all these well-wishers, but I wanted to add that I’m rooting for you. And also that if you felt like you needed to take some time off from posting, that would be ok too. You don’t owe us anything. (Although I love reading your writing!) All the best!

    -Lori

  • ihave2girls

    Sorry for the lack of needed paragraph. Doh!

  • Twinkie

    I know how it is to fight these battles… I’ve been through it twice and no one has ever described my feelings the way you did. It just feels as if you’ll explode from all the pressure building up inside of you, just trying to appear “normal” and not make people around you worry.

    Why is it that almost everybody thinks that we’re weak, when it’s just all the contrary? Facing your feelings just makes you stronger.

  • ihave2girls

    Heather, hang in there. Depression is a wicked thing. You can’t just get a test for it and then get some medicine to make it heal. As you know it’s way more in depth. Staying focused on the good things (your baby girl)will help you way more than medicine will (or striking down some pedestrians). I’ve been on, my anti-psycho meds – as I like to call them – for 13 years (minus the pregnancies). Keep your doctors working to find something that helps. We had to contact the Mayo Clinic to finally find something that worked for me. My 2 year old looks so much like Leta, she has since birth. Cora was born 2/14/04. I’ve been reading you since about that time when my SIL got me hooked on you during my maternity leave. You are a brilliant woman. Don’t ever doubt how important you are to the world! We need you!!!! Lots of love to you!

  • it’s in your underneath

    I am right there with you, Dooce. Folks that have no command of the English language have no business writing! Period! I feel like puncturing my eyeballs with a pen cap whenever I am forced to see crappy spelling or grammar. By the way, you spelled “reggae” wrong over there in the sidebar. Dammit! Sorry about that! I am telling the voices in my head to NEVER, but NEVER correct Dooce!! Thanks for a GREAT site. You rulz.

  • mainer74

    Thank you! Thank you for sharing your life with me a complete stranger … Thank you for being honest about your life … Thank you for making me laugh and cry … Thank you for bright spot in my work day.

  • MandyJo

    One of my favorite things to do when I meet a new person who is cool and literate and worthy – is to share this site with them. I’ve been reading it for a LONG time, and more than once I have thought that you must be the most clever, most gifted, most funniest person in the whole world. Thank you for sharing your life. I have been in that swirling vortex of belly crawling, self loathing depresson more times than I care to recall, and I’m sure I will be there again. You remind me that I can still be me and still be funny, smart and oh so talented while wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. It will pass (And believe me I know that’s a long haul and hard work, but it will pass)…and you will be you again…and I hope that happens really soon. Kisses to the world’s most adorable child and 3rd most adorable dog (my 2 are 1st and 2nd place…lucky for Leta – I am childless.) Sending every good thought your way.

  • monkeyaker

    As for all this “seed”-”nut”-”testicle” talk…now I’m starting to feel bad for Mr. Peanut. Is that just a cruel nickname for his junk?

    And why am I thinking about the size of Mr. Peanut’s junk?

    Why?

    Because I’m on Dooce.com. That’s why. And that’s why I’ll come back.

  • Caitorade

    immediately went to amazon.com to check out andrew bird, as had not heard of him. NOW IN LOVE. thanks!

  • http://melinor.blogspot.com MelanieinOrygun

    I first found this site about a year ago, when someone told me about this thing they call a “blog.” I did a quick search to see some of them in action, clicked on your link, and was hooked. I’ve come back to read daily since.
    And I am not going to be a sappy sap sap sapperson, except to say that if the Internet makes your day brighter, I am positive you bring smiles to faces all over the Internet. So it’s a fair trade.

  • http://tiggerlane.blogspot.com Tiggerlane

    Heather – You CAN make it thru. I KNOW it. But it must be terribly difficult. I watch my husband suffer from depression, and it breaks my heart. I don’t know how to help – sometimes I don’t know what to say.

    But I know that our daughter is the one thing he loves more than anything, and reminding him daily of her love for him seems to help get him thru. And she is a strong person, and recognizes that sometimes her daddy isn’t the strongest – but she loves him anyway, and still runs to him when she needs her “protector.”

    So keep focusing on Leta. Her love for you is SO CLEAR.

    Hang in there – and don’t give up!

  • http://www.asmalltowngirl.com Ang

    Hang in there, Dooce. And write away, even if you don’t post it– sometimes that’s all it takes is an outlet.

  • the13thapostol

    Yes, we are crazy mamas. And yes, we love our children fiercly. It’s so f-ing painful, i know. and i don’t know how we do it some days…but we do. I’m certain if it weren’t for my “Mer-boy” I’d have died in the projects with a needle in my arm. Running the gamut from eating disorders to chemical dependency, compulsive spending…it’s all part of the deal. a woman doesn’t write like you “just because”, and you aren’t “sick” Heather, you are blessed. I read your life, and think, “She’s living my dream, how fucking cool” You are doing every day, what I dream of doing. I see what you have accomplished and it keeps me from giving up, gives me hope. If I work hard, write well, speak my truth, then maybe…
    We have lived with these “demons” our entire lives, compartmentalizing each little issue. It all changes when we have babies. memories come into focus, which had previously been a blur. don’t let this shit consume you. you are a gifted writer, a passionate artist, woman, and mother. I’m grateful you share your life with all of us, but you have to take care of yourself and your family too.
    warmly, Apostol

  • Leah

    I’ve been reading your blog for a short period of time now, but I wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you….I also want you to know that you are a wonderful mom and that your depression doesn’t take away from Leta.

    My own mother suffered from a myraid range of mental illnesses but she didn’t care that what she did and how she acted adversely affected me. The very fact that you worry that your depression affects her is a sign that it will not, in the long run, hurt her. It will probably make her stronger. And for you to be living on, and taking care of yourself, is a great lesson for her.

    Hugs!

  • http://redsaiddesign.blogspot.com/ redsaid!

    You can’t please all of the people all of the time, and those who can’t be pleased should move along and keep their nasty thoughts to themselves. I read your blog daily and with pleasure, because you are smart, funny, and gosh darn-it… people like you!

  • edith

    hey heather

    sometimes i visit your site when i feel lonely, and i feel less lonely when i leave.

  • http://momish.squarespace.com/ Momish

    I hope the cloud lifts soon. Your writing and honesty is an inspiration to me and so many others. Unfortunately I couldn’t get the video to work :( I will keep trying though, because just seeing Leta run is something that matters to me, thanks to you and all you have shared!

  • M to the D O Double G

    Heather,
    You are an inspiration to the significant but largely unnoticed depressive population, or those who rely on the little blue pills (the blue ones have worked much better for me than the yellow – it must be something in the dye, no?)
    Thanks for helping “normal” people understand that even the most talented and wonderful people can be crippled without cause or blame by this horrible disease.

    ~MDogg

  • http://mainelymadge.typepad.com madge

    Toddlers are an amazing Catch-22. That they can make you climb up on the roof to end it all and be the exact reason you don’t jump is mind-blowing. You + Jon + Leta are one powerful cocktail. You’ll make it better together.

    Oh, and sunflower nuts makes me think of sunflower testicles. So, I’m afraid that might be a flawed theory.

  • Erin

    for what it’s worth… my mother had a nervous breakdown and spent 6 months in a hospital after her divorce with my father. 12 years later she was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, severe manic depression, and OCD (we always had a VERY clean home). The point i’m trying to get at is that i was raised by an unmedicated, uncounselled, and hardly educated woman. But y’know what, i still love her to death, and to this day (even after all the grief she put me through) I would do anything for her. You’re worried about the unnecessary (sic?) yelling that occurs… I’ve been talking my mother out of suicide from the age of 8 years old, until her diagnosis when i was 19. Now a qualified counselor handles that. Like the old adage goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”… Leta has a strong foundation, much stronger than I ever had… i’m not overly worried for her, you shouldn’t be either. Good Luck.

  • http://poppyinprovence.blogspot.com/ meredith

    Hey, Do you want to come over for a glass of wine?

  • http://bucky4eyes.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Even a blackhearted bitch like me can’t help but think that video is ADORABLE. Her laugh has got to be a great Band-Aid for your soul, too.

    I’ve been lucky. When I went out on a limb and blogged about my depression, the worst response I got was someone suggesting that I just need to busy myself with a job (already have one), because then I’d be unable to ponder my bleak existence as I’d be too busy asking if she wanted fries with that. Sure, that’s it – a job at McDonald’s would TOTALLY improve my self image and outlook on life. Not to mention the added bonus of hot grease splatter.

  • alizarai

    Heather- Thanks for sharing your life with us. I love, love, love your letters to Leta. It’s inspiring to me as a new mom. The love you two have for her is so apparent. Keep on, I know you can. And the video? Is adorable!

  • mrsderusha

    my favorite part? When she runs into you at the very end. The total and unadulterated love is so very evident.
    Bliss, I believe, is what it’s called. How amazing it is to be someone’s bliss.

  • http://dibookblogetc.typepad.com/my_weblog/ Di

    I have been thinking about you the past several days after your letter to Leta. I am happy to hear that you received supportive e-mails (interspersed with the occasional maniac). There is a solution…you will find it…and the dark cloud will be a memory that you will be in some strange way happy you had, but happier still that it is gone.

    If you are a volcano…go ahead and erupt! Your fans, friends and supporters will happily wade through the lava (eeeuuuuwww…that metaphor kind of lost it at the end).

  • http://clairephipps.co.uk Claire Phipps

    I think that just maybe, the fact that I burst into tears watching that probably says more about my mental health (or lack of it), that your posting says about yours. What I mean is, you’re not alone and by reading your blog, I know that neither am I.

    Thank you for sharing your world with the Internet, I’m forever grateful. :)

    Take care,
    Cx

  • Billygean.co.uk

    Dooce,

    Wow look at all these comments.

    Suffice to say, I can’t really add much. My father was/is depressed for a few years after my parents divorced and I can’t imagine going through what I saw him go through.

    Keep going, plodding, and it will get better.

    Also your wingspan comment the other say made me spit my coffee out (well, not really, who can’t control their swallowing reflex?), but it was v funny. Your arms are very long and skinny (like mine) so I empathise. Brilliant writing, is what I’m trying to say.

    BG

  • http://birchsprite.blogspot.com/ Birchsprite

    Take care and love yourself…. we all love you too!!

  • http://www.godsnightgown.blogspot.com God’sNightgown

    I’m sorry you’re suffering. You’re a truly gifted communicator through your words and pictures. I feel certain the people in your life think you’re an amazing daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. Please be kind to yourself.

    And this video was beautiful.

  • blucollar10940

    Hi there.
    I have become a huge fan and just want to leave my two cents, for what it’s worth.I haven’t looked at the video at this time, but I will. Your daughter is just beautiful and she reminds me of my daughter as a little girl. Samantha was a joy as a child, and I really did not appreciate the time I had with her at that age untill the fateful ” no daddy, I don’t want to see Beauty and the Beast with you “, and thus ended child hood.
    You are very lucky to have the sort of life style that you have at this point in your life. Don’t let one day go by without giving that little girl a hug, and a great big kiss to your other half.
    Enjoy your life Heather. :)

  • milkmaid

    So darn sweet and a perfect reason to rise and shine daily.

  • Megan

    Sometimes I think I’m getting a glimpse into the dark world you’re trying to stay out of. I still don’t think I have a clue what it’s like, but if it’s at all like what I fear it is, then it’s very painful and hard.

    Your wonderful wry humor, I think, is a great weapon against it and your family is another. You seem to know what you need to focus on in order to bring yourself back to where you want to be. I think you’ll do it and all will be good and bright again. I hope it happens soon.

  • http://alanson.livejournal.com/ alanson-rachel

    I love her cuffed jeans and wild hair… growing up isn’t about tight braids and mommy and me dresses…

  • http://cassandralz.livejournal.com Cassie

    Heather, vent! That’s part of what you made this place for!

    I can’t get the video to work either, which makes me sad, but I know it’s a wonderful shot of your beautiful daughter.

    Kids have this way about them that makes life so much easier. I can’t wait to have my own :)

  • thleen

    Hey Heather…….
    Great video and post.I enjoy your blog daily and have learned alot from you.
    I hope all these positive comments help you to find
    some peace in the madness.
    I think you are an amazing writer and photgrapher and mom and wife and daughter and friend and sister and cousin and , of course, wonderful manager for CHUCK.
    You rock, girlfriend! Don’t you forget it.

  • jessiker

    I enjoy your humor and insight so much more than you’ll ever know! You are a bright spot in my otherwise dull day and don’t you dare go jumping off a roof! Too many times I have read your journal and thought, “We should hang out with them…they’re just like us!”. Thank you, Heather, for keepin’ on. You’re a wonderful mama and you have a beautiful family. You go, girl.

  • at

    you should totally read this given your feelings about crocs http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/10/fugio_batali.html

    have a good day,

    a.t.

  • http://www.ittivent.com Venting to Stay Sane

    I just spent the last two weeks at work reading through your archives and I thought I would echo what everyone else is by saying that I love your site, and your writing, and that, yes, Leta is the most adorable kid ever. I hope that by adding a positive comment it makes your day just a little bit better.

    Your honesty about your struggle with depression has given me a new insight and understanding and I hope I’ve been able to be a better friend to those in my life who also suffer from this disease, so for that, thank you.

  • mrsjennylynn

    Heather, hang in there babe! A good therapist is gold, and better living through chemistry and all that. You’re a strong person (getting help takes a LOT of courage) a great mom and wife (the Mormons would be so proud), and one hell of a writer. So lots of us have faith in you.

  • April-Lyn

    I don’t have Quicktime here at work, so I’ll have to wait until I get home to watch the video. But thank you in advance; you have a beautiful daughter, and she is lucky to have a mom who loves her so much. Seeing her smile always makes me melt a little.

    I hope that this passes soon so you can go back to feeling like your old self. You have a big heart, and with that comes the potential to feel great sorrow and bleakness. But know that I and all your readers are rooting for you. I wish I could give you just a fraction of the joy that you give to us with your writing, or at least ease some of the pain.

    Oh, and a big SCREW YOU to the haters. Why are people so mean? Even if they don’t like your writing, there’s -never- an excuse to degrade your fellow human beings, and they should be ashamed of themselves.

  • http://www.threekidcircus.com Jenny

    Leta is such a doll!

    Sending all youse Armstrongs my admiration and love – you will get through this. And I’ve got a few nominations for pedestrians to run down, too.

  • Nancy

    Leta is just beautiful and that video is adorable. My 12-year-old daughter and I love your blog and feel like Chuck and Leta live next door.

  • Andrea-cat

    Heather, I recently re-found (yeah, I know that’s not a word) your blog/website and really admire you for being so honest on the internet. I, too, have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and had one of my worst “episodes” when I lived in Salt Lake City (is it something in the water)? I thought that I would feel miserable and terrified and all sorts of horrid feelings forever. With the help of family, my fiance (now husband), a new puppy, the wonderful pharmaceutical industry, and a fantastic therapist, I made it through. You have a darling daughter, a great mind, and a fantastic artistic vision. I wish you all the best…

  • keagansmom

    Heather,
    I for one would LOVE to see someones,ANYONES, head explode! (i’m sick that way). Please don’t think you are alone in this, for what it’s worth we all care about you.I don’t go one day without checking your blog at least 3 times to see if there is a new picture, post, or link. You make me laugh (or cry) on my most stressful days. My depression has also been rearing its ugly head of late and I’m not sure why (besides the fact that my son’s medical condition has left us sooo far in debt I’m gonna start selling my organs!)
    You have a beautiful family who love you, that is all that matters. Vent away; we will all listen without judgement.
    xoxo, a bottle of Zoloft and a bottle of gin,
    Kel

  • http://www.newguyinennis.com Moojoo

    Awesome! John and I sound exactly alike or pretty close. Maybe he is my lost semi less evil twin? Leta is beautiful! Think we can arrange a marriage between our kids?

  • EOMama

    Heather, I just have to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. I am admittedly late to the game, having only found your site in the last year, but better late than never…

    Your writing SPEAKS to me, sister. From one Mama to another, let me say this:

    I hear you. I feel you. Your honesty and courage heal me. Thank you for being a Warrior Mama and speaking the truth – the hilarious, gut-wrenching, joyful, soul-crushing and very human truth about Motherhood. Know that I too have walked through the dark tunnel, and like you, I am still here.