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Little shop of horrors | dooce® dooce® » I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is my website. » Little shop of horrors
  • Sandy

    Heather, you are absolutely hilarious. PLEASE, please, please get drunk more often and write of your adventures. I mean, the kid is cute and all, but stories about Leta usually just make me giggle and smile, while drunken Heather stories make my sides ache and my nose run (in the best possible way). I freaked my dogs out just now… Hilarious! Keep ‘em coming!

  • http://jens-space.typepad.com/ Jennifer

    I’m so glad that you all endured the dentist with a happy ending for Leta. My oldest (now 6) has always had a really hard time in situations like that. While it is kind of funny to look back and think about how crazy of a time it is, I really feel for all three of you in the thick of the situation. It’s hell. If it makes you feel any better, my daughter has gotten better and better with these kinds of events. In fact, she had to get a filling last year and she didn’t shed a single tear.

  • http://www.joegirl.com JoeGirl

    Leta is going to run for President some day, and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. And she’ll have nicer teeth than any who came before her.

  • jenny

    disney is just plain evil.

  • Julie

    You are lucky that Leta let them into her mouth! My son, who has a sensory disorder, would absolutely, no way, let the hygienist into his mouth. No amount of bribery worked. We ended up going to the pediatric dentist, who is just amazing. All the dental chairs are kid sized, there are tvs in every room which they play animated Disney/Pixar movies on, lovely decorations everywhere, lots and lots of kids books… and people who work with kids all day, every day. They are great and totally worth the extra expense, in my opinion.

  • moondoggie

    I’ve just started the dental implant process that takes nine freakin’ months, including two ‘go to sleep’ sessions. Does that earn me a new car?

    Oh, and of course my insurance does not cover this…And the oral surgeon looks like a twelve year old–I don’t think he even shaves yet…And he’s on Facebook…you think Leta’s trip to the dentist was scary…

  • Alicia

    So off topic, but I feel better because someone else already mentioned it…where did you get that couch?? It looks so comfortable, and I am in the market for a good couch.

  • http://spandrelstudios.blogspot.com Spandrel Studios

    Wow, congratulations on getting Leta through a full dental visit! The princess toothbrush would have been a boon to my sister and me when we were kids, hating on the dentist…

    There was the visit to the dentist at age 4 where I BURST into tears like a cartoon character, nearly inconsolable, because they came at me with the pick first, instead of brushing my teeth first (unlike the other 2 times I’d been there). I was convinced that meant I had a cavity, which my Mom had predicted would be the result of all the candy I scarfed down at that age, and my teeth would fall out. The end.

    Good times!

  • http://fabulousandfearless.blogspot.com Lily

    Yes and I would love the dentist if I got a princess toothbrush too! Might send a link to this post to my dental hygienist and hope she gets the BIG HINT. My dentist happens to be addicted to plastic surgery and is trying to become Barbie – now that should interest Leta even moreso (if you care to make the trip to Australia for dental visits that is). Its the only reason why I keep going back to her – to check what ‘work’ she has had done lately. I mean after all, I have a self interest – I and her other patients are funding it.

  • Jen

    If Chuck ever gets scared of that M&M shitting chocolate pony, please send Chuck my way!!

    PS. Last time at the dentist, I started to choke on my own saliva ( I know…the vaccuum and the hygentist weren’t playing well together) I reached up and PUSHED the dentist out of my mouth as I sat up. He was not happy. They’re all evil and were probably bullied on the playground thus forcing them to take such malicious careers.

  • Gila

    Heather,

    You are so funny I think I just peed myself. I mean, you are laugh-out-loud funny – but seriously, have you heard of a pediatric dentist? They are fabulous. My kids wear headphones while they are laying back in chairs watching a movie and they don’t want to leave!

    Seriously, I aspire to be less than half as funny as you.

  • http://andij1967.wordpress.com/ Andi

    Did Radiohead play “No Surprises”??? If so, are you certain that you didn’t remove your pants THEN? Because I totally would have. I used to be a sorta groupie (back when I had a cute ass and boobs that pointed in the right direction) and I’ve been known to do crazier things than that to get a hot musician to notice me.

    Oh, I shouldn’t have shared that. Sorry.

  • http://sasstown.com Cecilia

    Heather your exploits never fail to amuse me! It probably goes against my self interest to say this, but you do know you are being played, right? (by Leta, Chuck and Coco).
    I also admit that my first child and I freaked out together about lots of stuff, in spite of all that at 27 she’s a bright, accomplished, fun and healthy individual and we love hanging out now laughing about our experiences.
    And with the subsequent 5 kids I’ve gotten progressively more practical, but I try and let the crazy mom out if things get too dull around here.

  • http://sushiforlunch.com Connie

    Last time I went to the dentist, I left with a prescription for Lortab. It totally justified getting my wisdom teeth pulled out before the numbing shots could kick in.

  • http://www.thesassykathy.com thesassykathy

    Fabulous – I really can’t get enough. Damn this Dooce addiction. Fortunately I was in the comfort of my own home when I read this post – usually I start snickering at work (in a feeble attempt not to laugh TOO loudly), and elicit many a raised eyebrow from my coworkers.

  • http://www.houndrat.com houndrat

    So, um, do you think the princess toothbrush trick works for boys? Because my son is almost 5 and has yet to visit the dentist. Perhaps I’d better have my third-world country excuse planned when we finally make an appearance at the torture, I mean dentist, office.

    And I haven’t been to the dentist since….well, let’s just say longer than my kid, and leave it at that. The idea of paying someone to poke a sharp stick inside my mouth? Just not very tempting….

  • http://buysneakers.com.au Buy Sneakers

    Disney Princesses… is there anything that they can’t do?

  • http://www.DrinksAreOnMe.net Dale Cruse

    I hear this in your future: “COCO IS LOOKING AT MY TOOTHBRUSH!”

  • http://thedailymind.com/stress/5-small-but-big-ways-to-beat-depression-every-time/ Beat Depression

    My God… this post just reminded me of how much I have, do and always will hate the dentist.

    Thanks for nothing… lol

  • http://www.missivesfromsuburbia.blogspot.com Missives From Suburbia

    For years, I lived in a bazillion dollar home in the Lower Haight that had to have the graffiti scrubbed from it every morning, and located a half a block from a medicinal marijuana club and a bar that gave you drinks so strong your first urge when arriving home was to rip off your pants and throw them on top of the TV. So I totally know the scene.

    I’m taking notes on the whole princess thing, since our first (and only) daughter is due this December. I figure I have a few years to stock up on Polly Pockets (whatever those are) and princess fetish toothbrushes. Someone should create a tax-free savings fund for that kind of stuff. Really.

  • http://kristanhoffman.com/ Kristan

    Maybe next time offer a Disney princess that shits M&Ms?

    (By the way, your Captcha is telling me to “be Leaman.” What does that mean? Is that the way to enlightenment?)

  • http://fireyirishangel.livejournal.com Dani

    Oh.dear.God. “A chocolate pony that shits M&Ms.”

    I was laughing so hard that my fiance kept looking at my funny and peering at my laptop to try and find the source of hilarity.

    Also? I despise the dentist. Hate. Loathe. Refuse to go to the point of living with serious wisdom tooth pain just because I HATE THEM THAT MUCH. I know, I’m an idiot. When I finally get off my ass and go there damn well better be a week in Cancun with Dora waiting for me when I’m done.

  • http://www.becomingsomething.typepad.com Natasha

    Ah, I love the dentist. Don’t relate to this. I guess I’m JUST so brave. :-D

    This story reminds me of the Arthur episode where D.W. HATESHATESHATES spinach! She haaaaates spinach! It turns people into green spinach heads! She’ll never eat it, NEVER EVER! Then, they go to a restaurant and she has spinach pie without knowing it and she loves it and asks the waiter what it is and he says, “Spinach” (You knew that was coming, didn’t you? You’re so smart! :-) and the family GASPS in anticipation of her giant 4-year old tantrum that will be heard many Celestial planets away, and she’s all, “What? I love spinach.” Like, duh.

    Arthur is soooo much better than Dora. You should look into it.

    Love ya.

  • http://www.youmeandfivebucks.com s.i.

    I am deathly afraid of the dentist and have the teeth to prove it. So whenever I wanted to get my son to go to the dentist or to brush his teeth, I would just scare him into it by showing him my teeth. “You don’t want to end up looking like THIS do you??” Worked every time.

  • Anonymous

    This is strictly a suggestion, but maybe if you guys didn’t make such a big deal out of it, she wouldn’t either? It sounds like she acts like this for attention more than anything else and you guys feed into it. Maybe out of guilt for not paying more attention to her? Children will act like that a lot of the time when they’re not receiving the attention they need/require/thrive on. Her light will only glow so bright on her own…alone… as much as it sounds she is during the day. Just a suggestion. Good luck.

  • Christina

    You and John really fit the model of “good-fit parenting”. If only everyone respected their children as much as you do. Leta is a lucky girl.

    Also, this has to be one of the most hilarious posts I’ve ever read.

  • http://fishingaround.wordpress.com Fishing Around

    Hilarious! I love it!!

  • http://pdb0712.blogspot.com Paula

    My youngest daughter is about 6 months younger then Leta and while she loves brushing her teeth (Princess toothbrushes help)I fear having to bring her to the dentist. I can just imagine the imploding of her world when they want to poke around in her mouth.

    Also…I love the drunk you. My husband couldn’t figure out why I was laughing hysterically and could barely breathe enough to tell him what was so funny. It reminds me so much of me when I wake up the next morning wondering what happened.

  • http://taplinwebdesign.com Adelaide Web Designers and SEO

    I think I agree with Anonymous – it sounds like she is looking for attention. Go the ignore tactic.

  • http://www.cleopatraqueenofdenial2.blogspot.com Gypsy

    That’s funny, I call my dentist The Little Shop of Horrors, and not just because it’s The Dentist. Because it really is. It’s low-rent dentistry. I went there because my last dentist was so fancy that a cleaning charge exceeded what my shitty insurance would pay. So I found a cheaper one. WAY cheaper. Then I didn’t have insurance. Kept going. Now I’m addicted to the pain.

    Plus, they don’t seem to think I need a crown and every other dentist does. Therefore, my Little Shop of Horrors dentist is the smartest dentist in town.

  • http://yoaniverse.com yoan

    I live in a third world country, and your dentist is right, I do not have all of my teeth. I blame my orthodontist *stares meaningfully* she talked me into it. and I did not get a Pocahontas toothbrush out of it *sigh*

  • Ked

    priceless…every detail is just priceless as always

    P.S. my captcha is “roundly Isaac”. I’ve been looking for a good band name for a while now, and I think I’ve finally found it.

  • http://astrogirl426.blogspot.com Astrogirl426

    My God – I think I have had that EXACT same night, right down to the cab ride (“Bumpy!”) and the amnesia-chips (except for me it was Pringles… mmm, Pringles).

    Oh yeh, and I *didn’t* miss the nightstand. Which, let me tell you, was even sexier.

  • Lori W

    I love to read about your day because then it keeps me from killing my 18-year old who has spent a nanosecond at college (she’s been there since the 21st) who now wants permission to drive home 9 1/2hours EACH way to see her boyfriend who works a dead end job and won’t go to college. But her story is “mom, dad I want to come home for the long weekend and be with you and shop for clothes for my work-study job and if you loved me you would let me do it because if I get killed on the road because of the SNOW storm they are expecting in Idaho I will still died happy knowing that you love me and that you let me see Zach.

    Keep writing Heather because I need a shot of vodka and to read…

  • StampyDurst

    This post and the comments touched so many “nerves” (pun totally intended) with me. When I was a child, our “pediatric dentist” told my parents my teeth were decalcifying and needed to be capped (lovely silver caps – yes, I was called “Oscar the Grouch” for years) to prevent me from needing braces. No anesthesia. But my loyalty was bought with cheap plastic rings from an equally cheap plastic treasure chest. I, too, was a young whore for swag.

    Several years later, I needed to have four teeth pulled before I got the braces I’d been tortured to avoid. Ain’t reality a bitch? I got some good drugs for that one, and regained conciousness clutching a highlights magazine giggling over Goofus and Gallant at the mature age of 14. I then spent two years picking chick-fil-a buns out of my braces.

    I ended up with beautiful, straight, white teeth. So straight, in fact, that I was once “inflagrante delecto” (sp?) when the guy looked up at me at a crucial moment and asked “Are those your real teeth?” Passion killer for sure.

    The unfortunate addendum to this story is that during this whole time, I get getting “prophylactic fillings” for “deep crevices” caused by the apparently horrid “decalcification”. Several years later, one of these prophylactic fillings cracked and led me to a root canal. My wondrous teeth apparently had an accessory nerve that they couldn’t figure out how to numb, so I felt them drill out every nerve. Egads. The dentist’s assistant left the room crying at how much pain I was in. So i just about pissed myself when I read, “Mr. Rogers has never had a root canal.”

    That being said, I didn’t cry. When it was over, however, I looked at the dentist and asked, “Don’t I get to pick something from the treasure chest?”

  • http://mostoffensive.blogspot.com Most Offensive

    What happened to the treasure chest at the dentists? That was the best part by far…

    Too bad at age 6 I looked forward to treasure chests at the dentist but now my life is more like your drunken night at the music festival. Maybe I should go to the dentist?

  • http://serenitydays.blogspot.com/ AmberStar

    Your day was much like mine yesterday when I took my mother in law to the hairdresser and to lunch for her 90th birthday. I don’t know when I’ll ever get over it.

  • http://libelletage.blogspot.com Lisa

    I could barely read that because I am so afraid of the dentist even your daughter going stresses me out.

  • http://rivetergirl.blogspot.com Robin

    Oh man. I feel your pain. Good news that she finally consented and it was a good experience. We had to go to a pediatric dentist because our daughter would not be examined by our regular dentist. Good for all of you!

  • http://richmondzoo.blogspot.com/ Captain Dumbass

    I get to take my oldest monkey for his first appointment this week. After his first day of kindergarten. Because the world isn’t cruel enough.

  • http://thiscouldgetuglier.blogspot.com Kat

    Brave Leta, I HATE going to the dentist, too. Hate it. Then the insult at the end of all that pain and scraping is to have to pay money for the privilege, who thought up that one?

  • http://zmama.com/wp zmama

    My 17 year old son very nearly faints every time he has to go see the dentist. Spiders of any sort also have that effect on him.

    But he still goes to the dentist, albeit complaining all the way, and he will deal with a spider if his sister isn’t available to do so ;)

    And thanks for the princess toothbrush thing… **hatches nefarious plan**

  • http://www.bestwellnessconsultant.com Mother Earth

    about the age of your leta, i started looking for a pediatric dentist for my son – since all personal hygiene was cruel and unusual punishment I knew i had to get ahead of the game if this kid was going to school – the dental exam was required. leta would have adored the decor because it was filled with disney animation cell drawings ( is that how you say that ? ) Many MANY princess ones, lion king, winnie the pooh – yet the very best part was the actual dentist who was enough of a goofball that my kids immediately related to him and my kids literally giggled through their appointments – i will add this one detail – this guy had the worst hair implants known to man, in later yrs my kids both told me they use to count the “plugs” while having their teeth cleaned and compare numbers later. I think that’s classic

    My son went to him until he was 18 yrs old!!

  • http://daddyintraining.blogspot.com Daddy in Training

    Oh, the trauma. If you think the dentist causes you anxiety,wait ’til you have a 13 yr old high school freshman cheering on the varsity squad. Jon, all I’m gonna say is spanky pants and mini skirt. My wife won’t let me within 600 yards of the high school. Anything less than that and I might end up on CNN.

  • http://inherentpassion.com/ fruitlady

    My friend’s dog eats toothbrushes. So you could use the “I’ll let Coco eat your princess toothbrush if you don’t…right now!” line. You know, to keep her in line.

  • CapableGirl

    I love when Leta talks about “her kids.” It is so cute.

  • http://www.heyyahosers.blogspot.com Eve Grey

    Don’t get too smug lady cuz you just wait until X-ray time where even the promise of a transformer did not stop my son from gagging and then barfing up the cardboard gag when it touched his uvula (i so used to get that mixed up with vulva). So, yeah, no x-rays for him.

  • http://sportsfansdaughter.blogspot.com/ SportsFan’s Daughter

    When I was little I HYPERVENTILATED & PASSED OUT at the dentist when I saw his spit guard mask, which reminded me of the anesthesia mask I had to wear for my EAR TUBE SURGERY. No princess toothbrush for that one.

  • http://www.walkingwithscissorsblog.com Walking With Scissors

    If I had only known that Princess toothbrushes were the keys to getting my daughter to sleep, I would have bought one ages ago…

  • April

    That’s just great!!! The princess toothbrush does it everytime!!! You had me LOLing in real life, thanks!!!