• Anonymous

    In the hippie years of the 1970′s I had an artist friend who inherited a lot of money, bought a mountaintop in Arkansas, and established a commune. After a year or so when I flew down to visit her, bringing my more conventional lifestyle with me, one of the children of the community was teaching me how to get along in the woods. This stark-naked five year-old earnestly explained about necessary woodland cautions and precautions then said, “But, when you live in the woods, the most important thing to remember is this: DON’T FUCK WITH HORNETS.” Good advice, which has since been applied to many situations in our family.

  • Ariel

    I loved it when my 1 year old said ‘fuck’.
    Everyone thought she was saying Truck but I knew the truth :)

  • Tracey

    1. At the dinner table back in the 70s, my father tells my 8 year old brother to finish what’s on his plate. Brother looks at my dad and says, “Screw you”. Yeah, he got backhanded right there at the table.

    2. My dad, who is a young boy at the time, is in church with his parents, acting up a bit in the pew like kids often do. My very religious, very stern grandmother leans down and whispers to him, “Settle down or I will take you outside and beat your ass.” After trying her patience one too many times, my dad is lead out of the pew by my grandmother. He starts yelling, “No, don’t beat my ass, don’t beat my ass!”

  • http://www.sacredandtheprofane.com Calee

    Just yesterday my husband told me I need to cut down on shouting “shit” whenever I drop something. It’s only a matter of time before the toddler switches from saying a cute “uh oh” to “shit, balls, damn.”

    Crud.

  • Chuck

    Your family’s antics are hilarious and scarily familiar…I have trouble not buying anything each time I leave the house or going to just one grocery store. My co-homeowner is the foul-mouthed one and I’m not looking forward to the day when our future children curse in front of my parents.

  • calimom

    Too funny! Reminds me of the time I had to slam on my brakes for some fool who cut me off. We pulled up next to him at a stop light just a few blocks later. My then 2 year old (now 19) pointed at him and yelled, very clearly, “That guy’s a son of a bitch, huh, mom?”

    Did I mention both my son’s window and the window of the other driver were down?

    yeah…

  • Saple

    OH the pride …

    I used to tell the boys that I could only use those words in the car and I would not use the words anywhere else…

    They got it…

  • LaurenR

    My son started to pitch a huge tantrum like that once on the way out of school. He threw himself down on the stairs and started to scream about whatever it was, and I raised my eyebrows at him and said “Really? You’re going to throw a big fit right here with all your friends watching you?” He stopped, looked at me like, “Damn, woman, you make an excellent point.” and that was that. I have no idea what I’d have done if he wasn’t afraid of public humiliation.

  • Ames

    Since when does fruit loops win out over pancakes?

  • Dannie

    I completely love you. If I was the kissing type, I would totally kiss you.

    Leta=priceless.

  • Anonymous

    @277:

    Cursing is not a reflection on someone’s character. Some of the most upstanding, moral, trustworthy, caring, true, and genuine people I know also curse like truckers (no offense to truckers).

    And why do people think it’s so hard for kids to understand that there are some behaviours for private spaces and some for public spaces? I think most of us would agree that we wouldn’t want our kids walking down the middle to town naked, but does that mean that they should be fully clothed at all times inside the house? Should they bathe fully dressed?

  • Kristen

    Out of the mouth of babes, I swear!

    I explained to my six-year-old stepson why our dog Roscoe could no longer make puppies and informed him that balls was not the right term to use, that they were testicles and he turned to me and said, “Yeah testicles!!!”

    His brother on the other hand is the one that yells, “Out of my way shitass!” when someone is driving to slow in front of us…yeah he’s seven.

  • Bobbi
  • http://www.foreverkaili.blogspot.com Elizabeth

    That right there was a damn good family post.

  • Kellie

    When my 5-year-old was two, he would take his big, plastic golf club and swing at the ginormous gold ball that came with it. When he missed, he would bang his club on the ground and yell, “shit.” He learned from my husband and my brother who would take him golfing with them.

    He also pointed to his bare butt in the tub the other day and asked me “is this called my ass?” I laughed harder at that for some reason.

  • http://www.undomesticdiva.com Undomestic Diva

    My 3 year old is well-versed in the F word, using it in perfect context every time, which you know, makes it illegal and unnecessary to reprimand him since he did use proper grammar and all.

  • http://www.superlefty.com Emily

    When my brother and I were kids, my parents, who are pretty liberal with the four-letter words themselves (and not “hell” and “damn” but the better ones) told us, “When you are really mad, don’t EVER hit. Say ‘Fuck You.’ ‘Fuck you’ is something you can say when you are really mad.” Why they told us this I’ll never understand, but the result was a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old shouting “Fuck You, Noah!” “No, Fuck YOU, Emily!” in supermarkets and other public places. They tried to get us to confine this behavior to the house, of course to no avail. We’re 29 and 25 now and we all still curse a lot and we still have family hugs.

  • kay

    who in the hell taught that baby to cuss?!!!! dammit.

  • Jodi

    My bother, his wife and their 4 year old son were checking on my parents cabin in Northern Mn when my bother spotted a large rabbit. He got out of the truck and went into the garage to get the shot gun. When he came out to the garage carrying the gun, my nephew yelled, “I knew he was gonna kill that f**king rabbit!” I love it when other people’s kids use swear words correctly!

  • http://orkmommy.blogspot.com ORKMommy

    Thank God I’m not the only one!

    We were laying in bed one morning (the man, the kid & me) and my stomach growled very loudly. I looked at the man and said “Go make me breakfast bitch” and the 5yr old said “Yea, go make breakfast bitch”. I laughed my ass off and explained that there are words for home and words for everywhere else.

    When I told friends about this, they didn’t find it as funny as I did. Who knew…

  • http://offschedule.blogspot.com Lara

    Not a parent yet, so I totally got a kick out of the mini-shit fit story. And the “damn good hug” reminded me of my nephew. When he was about 3 or 4, my brother finished the basement in their house. When he had put the last of the finishing touches on, he went upstairs to brag on himself, but my nephew was the only one home, so he showed off his work to Ryan. As they were going up the stairs, Ryan said, “That’s a damn good basement! You did a damn good job!” Invoking the patented full name chastisment, my brother said, “Where did you even learn that word?” Uh, gee…where WOULD he learn that word…and a few others to boot?

  • J. Bo

    Aaaand… the torch is passed to the next generation.

  • AT

    Excellent post.

    When my son was about 2 1/2, I was lying in bed with my husband and baby girl. Our little man had trotted down to his room where, evidentally, one of the dogs had shredded an old diaper. And the words that drifted down the hall in a sweet, angelic voice were:

    Awwwww MAN! Fucking DOG!!

    Indeed.

  • jen

    my neice said she hated elevators because they piss her out.

  • http://www.iambossy.com/ BOSSY

    Great fucking post.

  • http://www.first-draft.com Athenae

    Oh, man, this thread is gonna make me giggle uncontrollably all day, right?

    Bastard Pants just became my new insult.

    My father’s a pharmacist and his co-workers used to think it was HI-larious to teach me the names of the really serious narcotic and anti-psychotic drugs and then tell me to go ask my father for some of them. When I was three. I always did it, too. “Can I have some Haldol, Daddy?” It’s a wonder I wasn’t strangled in my crib.

    A.

  • http://figcookies.blogharbor.com Caren

    I had to stifle my laughter because I read this at work. Brilliant.

  • http://www.lovemaegan.com …loveMaegan

    just like her mama.

    I would have thrown a tantrum over a fabulous zebra pillow too. Could you blame her?

  • lucky13

    to quote a certain brilliant someone, “That right there…” “…that was a damn good family” story.
    loved it.

  • http://gorabbitrabbit.blogspot.com Sarah

    When we were in Kentucky visiting my (very Southern Baptist) grandparents, my 3 year old decided to park herself in the middle of their living room floor and stack blocks that my grandpa had made for her. When the tower collapsed, she hung her head and said, “Well, God DAMMIT.”
    I blamed Spongebob. (Like my grandparents are gonna know?)
    I approve of Leta’s upbringing. There is no more valuable skill than knowing how to curse appropriately!

  • CC

    Never posted before, but have been loving Dooce. Today’s blog and the hilarious comments have made my morning. My turn!

    My 4yo niece was warned by my sis to stop shaking an open box of pasta. She continued shaking, and the pasta wound up all over the floor. Sis told niece she had to clean it you, to which niece replied, “I will, you asshole.” My sister was sure she misheard, so asked, “What did you say?” “I. WILL. YOU. ASSHOLE.” After we got control of our laughter, asked where she learned that language. Niece replied, “Michael Jackson.”

    :D

    Worst thing my DD said at age 3 was on Halloween, when she was watching for trick-or-treaters. She was perched on a chair and after straining to see proclaimed, “This chair is too freakin’ small!” DH just looked at me. No doubt where that came from, ’cause I’m from Jersey.

  • http://www.squirrelstories.blogspot.com E-Lo

    Ahhh… that’s one punk rock toddler. Love it!

  • Anonymous

    So did you get the pillow?

  • Canadian Reader

    Still laughing. I would have loved to see the over the shoulder manouver!! Hilarious. Can you imagine being a witness to that scene!! Anonymous #15, your niece is awesome. You should introduce her to Leta. Working with kids (kindergarten teacher) …you wouldn’t believe what you hear–Hilarious. As a mother of older kids I love to witness the mortification of preschool parents. Too funny, and you just want to say…just wait and see what they do to you when they are teens! HA! Oh to go back in time and relive those moments. Love your blog.

  • Mae

    At our local post office the other day, I witnessed a mom opening her mailbox and saying, “Wow! I guess that’s what happens when we go away! We’ve got bills coming out of our ass!” The sweetest little pigtailed (four year old?) that was with her looked up and said, “What Mommy?” At this point, I thought the woman had slipped and would temper her language. But no, she repeated it to her verbatim.
    The whole scene just stopped me in my tracks.
    Neither my husband or I were raised in a family that cursed other than the odd “damn” now and again. When that word was used, I knew that someone was really angry. I suppose that if your mom talks like that every day that you will think that is normal and eventually you will talk that way an accept it as such.
    As a writer, you know the power of words and language. I know that a good powerful curse word feels good at times but, like any piece of the english language, loses its power when overused.
    I must say, I’m a little uncomfortable with the whole “we talk this way inside” thing. Home should be a place where we feel comfortable and safe to be ourselves. Especially for our children, it is also the place where we are supported to discover who we are. I suppose that – although it likely wasn’t a conscious choice – you have decided that you wish to include this kind of language in your everyday life. I suppose that Leta can also make the decision to not speak that way at some point in her life too.
    I have been a pretty regular reader of your site for a few years now. Although I’ve never given it much thought, I think I always attributed your language as the way you were thinking as opposed to speaking.
    I hope that I’ve written this from a place of challenge as opposed to a place of criticism …

  • http://thehusbandblog.wordpress.com The Husband

    My favorite is when one of the kids lets loose with a properly used “Godfuckit!” Okay, I’m kidding. But it’s only a matter of time.

  • Anonymous

    Don’t any of you wonder why kids have no respect nowadays?! I’m sure I’m not that much older than you people and definitely not a prude but I fail to see the humor in disrespect and wouldn’t think much of the family if Jr. could rattle off more swear words than a sailor.

  • Ginny

    I just love reading Dooce, and your family makes me crack up.

    I live in Houston, Texas and after Ike came through, we had power, water, but no internet. I was dying from my lack of daily Dooce. So glad both of you are back!

  • evansmommy

    Yeah..Just like the phone call I got from school. My five year old son told his friend he would “hate to have to smack a bitch” If said friend didn’t hand over the book. I actually laughed out loud, on the phone with the teacher. Sorry, I couldn’t control it.

  • http://www.notyourtypicalmama.blogspot.com SuZ

    Oh. My. GOD!!! I love it!!!

  • http://www.iusedtobewitty.com Lyndsay

    Oh my hell Leta – what were you thinking?

    LOL!

    And to think, my husband has a fit when I say boobies to Kate …

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    @#$%, if she isn’t your kid after all.

    ;-)

  • http://huggingthemidline.com Missy

    On Sunday we were out mini-golfing, and every time my 2-1/2 year old Jack missed a shot he’d yell, “Oh my God — holy crap!”

    I don’t know where he picked that up.

  • http://humbleorigins.blogspot.com/ tj

    …lol…Priceless. I so needed this today, thank you Heather! lol…

    …Blessings… :o )

  • ame i.

    Shit, ya’ll! I try very hard not to swear in front of my children or any children, for that matter. My daughters are 8 and 10, and I don’t even allow them to say “Jeez or God” in a swearing manner.
    To each their own, I guess, but swearing kids isn’t the least bit cute in my opinion.

  • Katie

    This just made my day!

  • http://www.abritandabit.typepad.com Auds

    Wow, after reading a few of these comments I can say; “Welcome to my World!”

    Back in November of ’07, my little girl, who wasn’t yet 2 at the time, heard me utter the naughtiest of the naughty, “Mother Fucker!” after I dropped a 2.5 pound can of crushed tomatoes on my toe. Yeah, it wasn’t my finest moment and nevermind the fact that I almost lost my toe and nevermind the fact that it did in fact hurt like a mother fucker. I own the fact that I said it and as a result, my 22 month old was now walking around the house saying; “mama fucker!”

    The link below is of a video I shot (sorry the quality is crappy, I’ve not yet figured out how to upload decent quality videos that don’t take hours to load) on the day after Thanksgiving (hence the funny looking food and paper plates – hey, it was leftovers, and after spending the previous day catering to 23 people, I wasn’t about to go all out for leftovers!)as we sat around the table and she repeated those infamous words.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJEKr63guuo

    The comments I’ve gotten on YouTube – some of them anyhow have been downright judgmental and I have to be honest…I don’t get it. There have been a couple of comments which have crucified us for this parental faux pas. We’ve never told her it’s OK to swear anywhere, quite the opposite. But that’s what *we* deem appropriate in our home…we know our child and what works for us.

    As an aside, she said it for two days after the initial incident, possibly three. But she got such a stern reprimand for it, she’s never uttered it again and on the rare event she hears one of us utter a naughty word (most likely me as my very British and proper husband never swears) she tells us it’s a bad word and not to ever say it again.

    Obviously, my blog is evidence of my own propensity towards having a potty mouth. I try extremely hard NOT to swear around my daughter and insist that when my 18 year old is home visiting from college that she (OMG this one has a mouth on her like a trucker!) not swear (in all honesty, it seems really crass coming out of the mouth of such a beautiful young lady) whilst she’s home.

    At the end of the day (or this long rambling comment) I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t get all the judgment and condescension. Neither Heather nor I are advocating how *you* should raise your kids or what *you* should deem appropriate speech. So why all the hate?

    Wow, how funny, I just realized my captcha/anti-spam thing says “Mother player” *lol*

  • Kiki D.

    That was the cutest thing I’ve read all day.

  • http://thepenultimatecouponwhore.blogspot.com Couponwhore

    Children cussing is destroying society? I feel bad for mommies on the internet these days.

    If you remember what made the older generations so damn respectable was that they weren’t treated like infants until their 21st birthday. They had well established rules, boundaries and even *gasp* expectations.

    For everyone else, more cowbell.

    (More Cowbell is not my website, I’m not selling ya anything. It’s just funny.)

  • http://volume22.blogspot.com/ Scott

    I would’ve got my ass whupped something awful for that kind of public tantrum.

    Also, I have a very clear memory of swinging on stair post as a wee tot happily singing, “Shit, shit, shit” while my mother tells me to stop.