34 weeks
This week marked the HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY point in my pregnancy:
If everyone could give a warm welcome to my good friend Fred, The Protruding Belly Button, he's crashing on our couch for the next six weeks. I didn't hear him knock or drop his suitcase in the living room or notice that he's been eating all our Lucky Charms. In fact, I had no idea he was here until Jon grabbed my shoulders one morning, looked me directly in the eyes and said, sweetie, I hate to even bring this up, but I think your belly's got an erection.
I'm resigned to his existence, and sometimes when I'm bored I like to wear really tight shirts in public and watch people try their hardest not to look at him. He's an evil third eye, a really gross physical abomination that demands attention, and when I notice that someone is actively trying to look elsewhere I'll start scratching my belly right next to him to give them an excuse to indulge in the fascination. GO AHEAD. LOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOK AT IT. LOOOOOOOOOOOK. You want me to lift up my shirt and start waving him back and forth? Because I totally will. No, really. Watch, if I bend over like this it looks like he's trying to say something. Hey, don't run away! Come back! My belly button just wants to talk to you!
Life at this point in pregnancy feels very crowded, meaning I frequently feel like I'm wedged between two people on the subway and am afraid to breathe because I might smell onions on their breath. I'm not sure the baby has dropped yet, and just when I think she's got her feet wedged up behind my ribcage she'll go scraping a body part against my cervix and I expect a foot to suddenly poke out from between my legs. I certainly hope you're eating lunch while reading this because there's nothing like the image of a tiny foot covered in blood and uterine juices to spice up a ham sandwich.
I'm also way more emotional than I have been in previous weeks, on the verge of tears all day long, and even now as I write this I'm trying not to cry. About what? Do you even have to ask that question? Yesterday it was because my tortilla chip broke into several pieces as I was dipping it into salsa. And then this morning I accidentally dripped toothpaste onto my shirt, and every attempt to wipe it off made the mess exponentially worse, and suddenly I'm standing there crying, the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, drool and foaming toothpaste dribbling down my chin into a puddle on the floor. Because it was the worst thing that ever happened, and how was I supposed to carry on?
Sometimes Leta will turn to Jon and go, dude, she's crying again. And I'm all THIS IS NOT CRYING. THIS IS MOURNING THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE. DAMMIT, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. STOP LAUGHING, JON.
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FM Living
Daddy Scratches said:
Thank you for reminding me how much I don't miss the pregnancy & newborn-baby years. It makes that whole vasectomy thing seem that much more worthwhile.
Hang in there!
05.07.09 - 11:55 AM / 1Kate said:
You look fantastic. I'm on vacation, trying to get my hubby to capture 1, just 1 decent pregnancy photo of me for posterity. I pulled your old one up (from San Diego, I think it was?) as a visual aid for him. We'll see...
Anyway, I'm now looking at your current pic thinking I look as big as you do now -- except I'm only 26 weeks.
Oh well. I should not act surprised, for all of the junk I've been eating.
But back to you -- you look great. Best of luck with the birth.
05.07.09 - 11:58 AM / 2Anonymous said:
At that point in all three of my pregnancies, my best friends were my trusty bottle of Maalox and her sidekick, the comfy recliner chair.
05.07.09 - 11:58 AM / 3Labradoris said:
Here's to never having your tortilla chips break on you mid-dip. No one should ever have that happen anyway. ;)
05.07.09 - 11:58 AM / 4Stephanie said:
You had me busting out laughing which is hard to do. I only have dogs no kids and now I see what I am in for. Ahhhh!
05.07.09 - 11:58 AM / 5leesavee said:
I am laughing so hard I'm in tears, Heather! Thank you for making my day...and for making me really grateful that I'm adopting.
05.07.09 - 11:58 AM / 6Sarah said:
OMG your tortilla chip broke? Into several pieces? I feel your pain.
Also, you look beautiful.
05.07.09 - 11:59 AM / 7geegee said:
Oh...the foot. Yeah, the son tried to kick me in the cervix around 36 weeks, missed and hit me in the bladder. At which point, I peed myself in the middle of a meeting. Fortunately, one's bladder doesn't hold much at 36 weeks.
You are gorgeous.
05.07.09 - 11:59 AM / 8Tracy said:
ah, the end of pregnancy....believe it or not, I DO miss it!
It's amazing how one can forget what it feels like to have a foot jammed into your rib cage, a head planted firmly against your bladder, and organs squished into a space that feels as big as a tennis ball.
I once cried because I dropped my Country Living into my foot bath. Now, THAT was the end of the world :)
05.07.09 - 12:00 PM / 9Manda said:
Such a good description of late pregnancy!! :)
05.07.09 - 12:00 PM / 10caramama said:
I'm due a few days after you, and this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling too. It's so much fun to be crazier than usual.
And you do look fantastic!
05.07.09 - 12:01 PM / 11Kitty Jimjams said:
My son is 10 1/2 months old. My bellybutton still has not gone back in. It popped inside out when I was FOUR MONTHS pregnant and is still extremely visible through anything tight.
Yes, they're hideous.
05.07.09 - 12:04 PM / 12natalie said:
hi fred. nice to meet you.
05.07.09 - 12:05 PM / 13Kelly said:
I had to laugh about the crying jags. Sometimes I think this is to ready us for unreasonable toddlers. I swear when my kids were little, the very same things set them off. Maybe I should have realized that they were simply "MOURNING THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE". Who knew 2 year olds were so deep?
05.07.09 - 12:05 PM / 14Chris said:
Haha... your belly has an erection.! haha.. My wife is 37 weeks and the whole time has freaked out about her damn belly button. She puts a bandaid over it. What's the big deal?
05.07.09 - 12:07 PM / 15Anonymous said:
I'm at 35 weeks, and completely relate to the squished in between two people on a bus feeling. *sigh*
05.07.09 - 12:07 PM / 16Jess said:
I've never commented before, but I'm due the same day you are and I've enjoyed having someone else to take the pregnancy journey with, especially since I'm a first timer. My belly button is beginning the strange transformation to outie, and I too am SO emotional! I walked through the door a couple of days ago after a great day at work and a lovely drive home and started bawling for NO reason! Glad I'm not the only one!
05.07.09 - 12:07 PM / 17Annie said:
I'm still sporadically weeping at odd things 3 weeks post-partum. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I didn't realize how miserable late term pregnancy until after the delivery - one day out, and I felt so light and fluffy - in spite of what the weight scale said.
sorry about Fred; my belly-button never tried extending itself outward, but it was a lot easier to pick lint out. not that I had lint or anything.
05.07.09 - 12:07 PM / 18Amanda said:
All I can say is that at least you can brush your teeth! Our baby is 3 weeks old and there are nights that I realize I haven't brushed my teeth all day long!
You look fabulous by the way. And, as you are well aware, the crying only gets worse after they are born. But, they are worth every tear drop and plaque build-up!
05.07.09 - 12:08 PM / 19Maggie said:
You look great. My friend was only one week ahead of you and had her baby this morning!! Mom and baby are healthy. I hope you are ready! By the way, I have 2 girls also and wouldn't have it any other way.
05.07.09 - 12:08 PM / 20Fran said:
You are beautiful! And SO funny! I love that you make me laugh until I cry, while at work, in cube hell. Thank you!
05.07.09 - 12:08 PM / 21Rose said:
A broken tortilla chip? That's worse than when I cried over Jan Brady's unfortunate middle place in the family episode. Thank God it was 30 years ago and I'll soon forget to remember it !! Good luck
05.07.09 - 12:09 PM / 22Amber said:
LOL I'm totally eating lunch.
05.07.09 - 12:10 PM / 23Kristine said:
I'm definitely eating lunch right now.
I hope you have many strong tortilla chips today.
05.07.09 - 12:10 PM / 24amber said:
you look fantastic! i just got you book from Amazon and i can't wait to read it :-)
05.07.09 - 12:10 PM / 25Laura said:
Yeah. I can completely relate to this post right now. The cervix kicking, the feeling like your bladder might explode at any minute, and feeling super crowded. I'm 31 weeks, and when I got up the other morning and saw the baby bed all put together I about hyperventilated!!!
05.07.09 - 12:11 PM / 26Kristine said:
P.S. You look gorgeous.
05.07.09 - 12:11 PM / 27Lucy said:
You're tiny. Not like OHMIGOD WOMAN YOUR BABY'S NOT GROWING SEEK MEDICAL HELP tiny, but like you're going to pop that baby out and go right back into your regular clothes within a week tiny.
Basically what I'm saying is I hate you.
05.07.09 - 12:13 PM / 28Dee said:
I remember the feet in the ribs! With my second son he kicked me there so much that after I gave birth my ribs were sore/bruised for days. :) Aw the good ole' days.
05.07.09 - 12:16 PM / 29Chris said:
My third and final pregnancy (child #3 is now 3 1/2 - and I'm 42, almost 43 (too damn old to have a toddler)) I had a shameless belly button erection too. My mother would visit and when I wore tight t-shirts, she'd say, "You look cute... but, your navel's sticking out." She was repulsed. You would have thought I was prancing around in a thong.
You look great! Hang in there!
05.07.09 - 12:16 PM / 30