• http://the-turtles-back.blogspot.com two crows

    here I come to your rescue!

    Avatrol Monthly — a pill — _CURES_ HEEMIES!
    buy it online at http://www.avatrol.com/

    because every product I find I absolutely CANNOT live without goes out of business the minute I discover it, I bought a 6 month supply immediately. [apparently my scheme worked-- it's still available.]
    that was about 5 years ago and I’ve used up 2 bottles — about 4 years apart. it’s amazing — will take 2-3 weeks to work and they don’t come back. well, they don’t come back for 4 years. I can live with that.

    but, I take it back. they take 2-3 weeks to work if you’re just old — not pregnant. dunno what the cure-rate is for preggers. maybe you should get a 6 month supply, too.

  • http://www.millatimes.com Milla

    i think i’ve been pregnant my whole life cus all i think about is cheesecake.

  • http://meggilicious.wordpress.com Mommy’s Brew

    I absolutely love how certain people see this as “complaining”, yet but oh no, I am NOT one of your haters!

    Oh my. It’s just an excuse to stir things up ;]

    Anyways, I love that Jon snuck in his snack on you… it sounds like something my future husband would do after complaining that I just picked up that package of sugar cookies that I’ll eat in one sitting with my son. Adorable.

    You’re almost there!

    And I certainly wished I knew more about hemorrhoids as well, but for some reason I had issues with them way after the fact of having a kid… yet my doctor still says it was because I had a kid. Sort of like my back problems are still apparently because I had a kid… 2 and a half years ago. But, who am I to question a doctor?

  • http://www.sapphireblue.com Michelle

    Do they have Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets in Utah? I’ve come damn close to eating a full box of those things on occasion. Which is to say, twelve at once. I suspect that if I ever got pregnant, my babydaddy would need to buy me a Tastykake factory in order to stay in my good graces.

  • http://meggilicious.wordpress.com/ Mommy’s Brew

    Wait, I just have to add one more thing… of course she’s talking about her pregnancy! When something is giant and growing inside of you its impossible to not think about the parasite in your body draining your energy and changing your moods on a whim while you’re also caring for a family and supporting them however you so choose to do so, for what works with your family!

    I personally can’t wait for that thing to pop out of her, but that’s because I cannot help but love a little squishy newborn with that beautiful smell that babies carry on them to say, “Hey, I’m cute and I smell great. Hold and cuddle me. Okay?”

  • http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    For me, it’s Godiva. I’m 32 weeks pregnant and go ahead, say the word, try it: GODIVA.

    I think I just orgasmed.

  • Tricia

    Love the bitching, love the unwarranted profanity, love the great tips I’m picking up for my next trip down prego lane– love it all. Keep it up.

  • http://dharmafrog.com/ Dee

    So funny! I love coffee cake!! and I use tucks wipes, seems to make the hemies cool off for a bit. :)

  • Sharlene

    Oh man. Going to the grocery store on a (near) empty stomach is a big mistake, one I often end up making because I put off going to the grocery store like nobody’s business.

    And, FYI, it is totally possible for a kid to hit an elderly woman with your car, simply by putting it into neutral. If the parking brake isn’t on and it’s on a hill, look out Grandma! I speak from a childhood experience, wherein my sister put my dad’s Ford truck into gear at a gas station and we ended up hitting a half wall, which, come to think of it, thank God it was there because we would have went out into traffic. Needless to say, this earned us all a swift smack on the head from dad. Ah, family.

  • DB6 in Oslo

    Of course, when you think about it, men are actually doing MOST of the work during a pregnancy… Think about all that horror they are put through!

    Seriously, if men were to populate earth it would be a spacious world to live in…

    PS: If Jon ever get the cravings, I can hook him up with some Norwegian salty licorice ;)

  • http://datot.com Cristi

    Wow,that’s a lot of comments,nice site Dooce,keep up the good work!

  • http://www.sapphireblue.com Michelle

    (P.S.: 1976 here, and it’s Cracker Jack except with less plastic crud and more peanuts. YUM.)

  • http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

    Also, incidentally, I just saw your above comment and I thought I would mention I was born post-1965 and I know what Crunch n Munch is. This makes me feel awesome since I didn’t realize it was a generational thing.

  • Lisa

    Mmmm Crunch n’ Munch. I was born in 1975 and I know all about that popcorny, nutty goodness.

  • Anonymous

    Crunch n Munch is love at first bite. You’re gonna love it with all of your might…

  • http://www.mamalaw.com Jusitce Fergie

    Typical. Has Jon been experiencing “sympathy pregnancy symptoms” too? What a joke! The hubbies get to eat junk and sleep, but do they have to experience hemmorhoids? Nope. Pelvic separation? Nope. The constant urge to pee? Nope. They just get to justify gigantic boxes of Crunch ‘N Munch.

    No, I’m not bitter. Ok maybe a smidge.

  • http://datingisweird.blogspot.com/ Serial

    Don’t you sort of miss the days when your mom could either leave you in the car, though? I feel like my sister and I spent entire afternoons drawing in the dust on the dashboard while mom shopped.

    She also used to take us to the liquor store with her. They gave us suckers.

    I love my mom.

  • Rebecca

    I was born in 1974 and I grew up on Crunch ‘n Munch, Heather! We never got to have Zingers… but do you crave all those Little Debbies snacks? I spent most of my second pregnancy eating (and then throwing up…) Oatmeal Creme Pies and Swiss Cake Rolls.

  • http://ohsweetjeebus.tumblr.com/ ohsweetjeebus

    Speaking for the 24 year olds in the hiz-ouse, yes, we know what Crunch n’ Munch is. It is the delicious, popcorny nectar of the gods. The stuff of dreams and midnight snack binges.

    Jon, I’m with you on this one. And though you don’t know me, you are so very welcome.

  • Chriss

    Forget everything else because I just saw FROSTED angelfood cake in Kroger’s over lunch. Everyone in my neck of the woods knows that Kroger’s has the most awesome frosting ever. This shit is so good that some people (and I am not naming names here) will buy the store cake just to eat this heavenly stuff. Seriously. Find a Kroger store NOW Dooce.

  • kristin

    Are you actually taking comments again? Because based on the bathroom remodel comments, you are either a) brave, b) delusional or c) looking for an internet smackdown.

    Ahh, the last month of pregnancy. The freedom to park your rolling chair directly in front of the refrigerator so as to save time. It almost makes the tiny feet pummeling your rib cage worth it.

    Gosh I love this blog.

  • Lesley

    Is it weird that I want to know what hemorrhoid cream you decided on? Seriously I had the same problem after I had my last baby. I had to try them all before I found one that actually worked. And seriously, how embarrassing is it standing in the hemorrhoid aisle reading all the labels? Everyone who walks by knows what you are doing! Good luck!

  • Jennifer

    Wow, what a sacrifice Jon made. To think, because all of his hard work, dedication and carrying around that baby for, oh 8 months, he deserves, neh, DESERVES! (all caps), his crunch n munch.

    By the way, did you know they now sell “toppers” for popcorn. Nacho cheese, butter, sour cream and onion…all those good flavors to shake over a hot bag of popcorn.

  • http://zipbagofbones.blogspot.com Cat

    Yeah, that happens to non-pregnant women, too. That’s how we ended up with a case of mandarin oranges and a lifetime supply of taco seasoning. I’m verboten from grocery shopping on an empty stomach.

  • http://emylibef.wordpress.com Emily

    I always get the YELLOW Zingers. And peel the top off. Because that’s how it’s meant to be.

    And don’t even get me started on all the butt medicine. I could give you pros and cons on all of them. I’ve tried them all. Fact of it is, your ass will never cooperate.

    Crunch n Munch. I know what it is…but, meh.

  • http://youwanttohearthis.blogspot.com/ XOXO

    Heather, darling, just so you know, the “you never let me” list NEVER.GOES.AWAY.





  • http://thehousewifesredemption.blogspot.com/ Laura Riddle

    As a fifty year mom who had huge babies and has had issues of a private matter ever since, I have two suggestions: One-the best hemorroid treatment for me is to soak a pad with alcohol and apply directly to the spot (assuming that they are the external kind). Yes, it will get your attention, but just for a second and then it all feels better. Second-for constipation the best thing I have found is to take one extra calcium with magnesium tablet every night. That means I take 4 tablets and it helps me sleep plus that other benefit.

  • http://studio3dee.blogspot.com Skideewink

    CRUNCH – n – MUNCH! Started 19 years ago for me and still love it. BTW, the extra strength cooling gel in the fridge this summer is also great for skiter bites. Its reduces swelling and itching for incest bites, whodaknew!

  • http://www.myfunnyfunnyfamily.com Carrie

    I’m just happy to hear you can still eat. Since my babies refuse to stick very far out of my pelvis and rib cage, by 35 weeks I expect to be subsisting on sips of broth and tiny gulps of air.
    That’s why I’m making up for future lost time now. Am eating Fig Newtons as I type this. Did you know that 2 Fig Newtons containt 4% RDA or iron? That means I get to eat 50 in the name of reversing my pg anemia in time to be allowed into the alternative birthing center!

  • SarahW

    Ha ha! I just hit 8 months and I have my pantry stocked with Hostess donut gems, powdered sugar and chocolate covered. And don’t forget the Hostess “fruit filled pies” In fact I hear a cherry one callng my name right now….All hail King Hostess and Queen Little Debbie!

  • http://walkingtomaine.blogspot.com Betsy

    Laura Riddle…I don’t know what to say.

  • martha

    Oh dear god i am so Hungry right now……all that food sounds so good.
    and all I crave is peanut butter cookies.
    my mum never bought baked goods- it was all homemade–ohmy date squares!
    and my last baby was 18 years,4 months and 29 days ago.
    Food cravings are so powerful!

  • http://crazysuburbanmom.blogspot.com/ The crazy suburban mom

    Hemorrhoid stuff, yeah… they should have a separate room for it, like video stores have for adult videos.

    Or maybe the hemorrhoid aisle is worse.


  • http://maternalmirth.blogspot.com Maternal Mirth

    I think I will have to blame you for any gained weight whilst I am on this diet. Reading the word ‘zingers’ alone gave the elastic in my underwear a run for it’s money.

  • hiliari

    lol!!! All I have to say is …LONG LIVE NABISCO!!!! When I was pregnant I ate all of that stuff! You on the other hand look amazing! When I was as pregnant as you I looked like I had eaten a high school freshman!!!

  • SarahW

    Born in 1975 and I have two boxes of Crunch-n-Munch in the pantry…on the shelf above the Hostess snacks :)

  • http://www.ohthatissogay.com Jennifer

    For me it was Pizza Hut Pizza. Tory’s dad was a truck driver so he was never home. There was nobody to observe me in my ritualistic gorging of Pizza Hut Pizza. Nobody to watch in abject horror as I stuffed myself to critical mass.

    I had to pass the Pizza Hut on the way home from the bank where I worked… every… day… of… my… pregnant… life! I would call at 5pm when we were about to leave for the day. By 5:20 when I passed the object of my considerable affection, my pizza would be there… all warm and cheesy… just waiting to be devoured by the hugeness that was my pregnant appetite!

    I would order a medium… I mean… not because I couldn’t have eaten the large… but I was trying to exercise some control. I would have half of that medium pizza gone in the ten minutes it took to get from the Pizza Hut to my house. The rest was gone before bed at 7pm. Eating all that pizza makes a pregnant lady quite sleepy.

  • http://www.mammakaze.com Mammakaze

    At least you have a BELLY FULL OF SIBLING! After playdates I have to hear my daughter, an only child, complain endlessly about how deprived she is that she doesn’t have a brother or sister to play with, and why, since I can’t have more kids, won’t I just adopt? What kind of a mean, thoughtless mommy am I anyways? Then I remind her that, hey, if she had a sibling, she’d get HALF the stuff she gets now. The horrific thought of owning only 30 Barbies usually settles her down…til the next playdate, By the way, you should rediscover Manwiches. We did yesterday. Yummy. The only downside. All those (endless) “memories” from my husband’s childhood that poured forth between bites of sloppy joes on dollar buns.

  • tk

    now about that bathroom tile…

    : )

  • Jen

    I just started a diet today and I think this post has ruined it. I feel the need to go to the grocery store when I get off work and stock up on junk food. The craving is killing me!! I wish I was at least pregnant so I would have an excuse. Born in 78 and I’ve eaten plenty of crunch’n'munch.

  • http://www.whoahgirl.com Anne

    I love when men talk about “we are pregnant”. I don’t know why but the whole concept amuses me greatly. My brother did it all the time when my sister-in-law was pregnant and I swear if looks would kill my nephew would be fatherless.

    I must say though dooce I’m probably going to gain five pounds just reading about all the food you talk about on the site. :) Especially when you said NABISCO I mentally started counting down when I’m off work when I can get food.

  • http://kristanhoffman.com/ Kristan

    Lol, well, you have to give Jon credit for trying.

    As for Leta’s post-playdate whining, it’s normal and inevitable. Grass is always greener, yada yada. I know I put my poor mother through hell every time I went to visit my friend Alex, to the point that I think she considered leaving me there forever. But Child Protective Services doesn’t exactly smile on that sort of thing…

    (PS: your CAPTCHA would like for you to “remember melange”!)

  • Allyssa

    Powdered donuts were my weakness during pregnancy. I would buy a box and ration them out b/c I was scared of getting fat[ter]. And if my husband took one? Aw, hell to the NO. Every time I pass the powdered donuts in the store, I fondly remember my pregnancy. :-) How is it our brains remember the nice, sweet sugary parts of pregnancy and not the back-breaking, sweating, evil parts? Screwy wiring.

  • http://www.olliegraphic.etsy.com meg

    I love that half of the comments here are about food and half about hemorroid treatments.

  • http://agirlandherlife.blogspot.com tuesday

    Plain Bagel with cream cheese- then squish as many funions as you can and top with remaining bagel slice.
    This can also be done with generic brand doritoes or BBQ chips.

    You can thank me later.

  • http://www.victorandjenna.com Jenna Jean

    When they get older, never leave them in the car together while doing errands. My sister and I still have battle wounds from my Mom’s Target trips.

  • http://adventurekait.com adventurekait

    I didn’t know what hemorrhoids were until I started reading this website. And now I am afraid, very very afraid because every time you post a video of Leta I start calling sperm banks and cuddling up to my boyfriend in hopes of popping one out immediately.

    And then you go and talk about cravings and hemorrhoids and I run screaming for the phone to verify the fact that my IUD will, in fact continue to work for the next five years.

    My boyfriend has long since stopped questioning this erratic behavior and just sighs and says, “So dooce has been talking about babies/hemorrhoids again?”


  • cj coats

    “daydream about giving oral sex to powdered doughnuts”…hells yeah. A version of that will be my epitaph.

  • http://www.grumblesandgrunts.com Jamie

    ZEBRA CAKES!!!!! that is all.

  • http://www.mediumcrazy.wordpress.com mediumcrazy

    Confession: I occasionally have fantasies about getting fired from my job or dumped just so I would have an excuse to get a whole marshmallow frosted Entenmann’s chocolate cake and a bag of Lay’s barbeque potato chips and just alternate between the two all night.

    That is a secret I would only tell you Heather.