• http://www.theprimamomma.com theprimamomma

    I am pro-box babies.

    My ex once put my dog in a garbage can to keep him out of the way. I got upset and said, “How dare you put the dog in a garbage can!”

    His answer: “Just think of it as a cylindrical carrying device.”

    So, think of a cardboard box for sweet Marlo as a recyclable bassenet. You are doing your part to be green!

    Oh, and if you keep the lid, you can use it to darken to box for mid-day naps. Just poke holes in the top for air flow!

  • Heather

    I laughed out loud twice! So good.
    And FYI, DO make sure there are no more swimmers because I can’t tell you how many people we know who have baby #toomany because they didn’t make good and sure.
    I’m just sayin.

  • Melinda

    Pack n’ Play = Mesh sides = no need for the cardboard box. Also, as I skimmed the comments someone else noted the mesh bumpers…those rock too and don’t ruin the whole nursery decor.

  • Maria

    That baby does NOT look like Don Knotts. She does, however, look exactly like your Dad. It’s obvious and striking!

  • Clare

    I didn’t read through all the comments above, and am sure someone suggested this already, but try a breathable bumper. You can find them at Babies-R-Us and Target.

    We went through the same thing, at 4 months, with my son. He was getting caught up in his bumper and I couldn’t sleep so I took the bumper off and then he got caught in the crib. I LUVVVVV the breathable bumper. We all got more sleep after it was installed.

  • http://manualnotincluded.com Kara

    I’ll refer my husband back to this post once we’re done having kids! Adding it to my favorites right. now.

  • http://tmlens.blogspot.com victoria winters

    Breathable mesh bumpers?

  • stringbean

    i’ve got a son, milo, who was born on the very same day as marlo, and he just started rolling all over the place as well… YIKES!

    my husband went the urologist two weeks ago just to TALK about having a vasectomy. the doc started to explain the procedure and got to the part where he makes two teeny tiny cuts in the, um, man-bag, and my husband passed out. yep, out cold. woke up on the floor. just from TALKING about it. and he’s all, wow, this is SURGERY, you know, and i’m all dude, i just had your baby though this big giant SCAR on my belly! big ol’ baby. my husband, not milo!

  • http://isabelklint.blogspot.com isabel

    I love your new hate section. It is hilarious and also a bit scary. I hope you can laugh at it, I’d be sorry if you evder let it get you down.

  • Lori

    Ah, babies. I don’t usually share tips, but this one might actually be useful. Crib bumpers. I know they’re not safe, blah blah blah. But When my kids did this, I put one in, but instead of leaving it all loose and floppy, I wove it VERY tightly between the crib bars. No room for a kid to get in there. This goes around three sides of the crib. I can’t remember what I did on the fourth side (maybe one of those foot pianos (turned OFF, of course), but it worked. Good luck!

  • Samantha

    My daughter slept for an hour at a time at night for the first six months of her life….I thought I was going to die.

    Sleep sacks are fantastic…my daughter LOVED to get her hams stuck between the bars in the crib, so the sleep sack has mostly fixed that issue.

    and the mesh crib bumper things are awesome as well. They weave into the bars, and velcro end to end, and they aren’t horrible looking. And they keep things like pacifiers, and toys and BABIES inside the crib…lol

  • http://overflowingbrain.com Katie

    I don’t have kids, but my family has about a million of them.

    And they swear by these: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3491557

  • Nate


    I love what I can do without a Blackberry(TM).

  • LizAndrsn

    You would have made a terrific Catholic. Guilt and all.

    You’ve heard about that crazy lady who’s about to give birth to her *second set of twins in a year” right? She already had 2 kids before the first set of twins were born, and both parents are on Public Assistance because they have to be home to take care of so many children. If that isn’t Birth Control I don’t know what is.

    Oh, and the lady? She’s a “professional daycare” lady. Sure she is.

  • http://explorewhatsnext.com/aboutme.html dr aletta

    Spring for a Play Yard which is basically a politically correct box for babies. There’s a great and long tradition for putting kids in boxes. In the old Doris Day movie ‘Don’t Eat the Daisies’ she kept her toddler in a cage that looked a lot like a dog’s crate.

    PS. It took me about half an hour to find the post through the gauntlet of advertising. Ugh.

  • Sparkless

    Try one of those playpen things. They have mesh sides.

  • marci

    this has nothing to do with a crib but, it does have to do with abstinence. my entire 9 months of pregnancy with my last and third child my husband kept saying “if there was anything i could do to help you i would” to which i would reply “there is, GET A VASECTOMY ALREADY!” my third child is now almost 2 yrs old and every day i have been saying “GET THE VASECTOMY!”. so i have now taken to practicing abstinence for the last 2-3 months in hopes that it would move things along in that department…NOPE, the man is still holding out (he was raised with mormon parents who brainwashed him to believe that birth control is of the devil). oh, i have my work cut out for me…

  • boulderbee

    PACK-n-PLAY. That’s all I can say… It has no bars or spaces, and Child Protective Services won’t come for you. My youngest (Mar-got) is 6 mo, and I don’t know what we would have done. It’s a total work around for a busy, active baby.


    p.s. – I remember the sleep anxiety. It’s worse than the sleep dep, isn’t it?

  • Anonymous
  • http://blog.sailorscorpio.com/ Meredith

    The imagery of her noise nearly made me laugh while sitting here at my desk. That’s right up there with the moose with its head in a wood chipper comment. Now to stifle my laughter so as not to look like a dork at work.

  • http://www.potamusprefers.com/ Shannon @ Potamus Prefers

    We ended up using the breathable bumpers with my second son because he was the same… It’s amazing we make it through these early months isn’t it?

  • Miranda

    Dunno if you can get them in the US but here in Australia you can buy an ‘airweave’ bumper. It’s just a thin sheet of fabric that you weave around the cot. Prevents limbs from getting stuck and it’s breathable, so if child chooses to sleep with face smooshed up against bumper it doesn’t die.

    It’s worse when they learn to stand up in the cot. Gah.

  • http://kirantarun.com Kiran

    May the box force, be with you :D

  • SeattleMama

    Just beware about vasectomies. I thought they were no big deal too until my husband got one. He was 25. They snipped slightly in the wrong place, he has permanent nerve damage that cannot be fixed by any of the various “vasectomy fix” surgeries, which include reversal, cryogenically freezing them (every 6 weeks!), nerve blockers (every 3 days, a needle up through the you know what), etc etc. And insurance won’t cover a penny of any possible fixes, even though they do cover the vasectomy itself. We’ve seen heads of urology, professors, etc etc etc and there’s nothing they can do. So now my husband’s balls hurt 24/7 for the last 3 1/2 years without any sign of getting even a little bit better.

    It’s called “Post Vasectomy Pain Disorder” and effects up to 2% of all men. Please research it and make sure you have a very very well qualified doctor before deciding.

    :( I know it’s depressing, but I wish we had known about the risks.

  • Pandora

    Your comments are closed on your Barney Fife post, so I’m posting here.
    One of my best friends grew up with the nickname “Borgie” because, according to her dad (and pretty clear from her baby pics), she looked like a baby Ernest Borgnine. Her family actually still calls her Borgie, and not only is she not traumatized by it, she kind of loves it (also, she’s quite beautiful – no traces of Borgnine as an adult).
    And seriously, what are babies good for if you can’t make fun of them?
    So here’s to coming up with a good Don Knotts-related nickname for a girl that’s surely going to grow up to be lovely!

  • http://www.d3voiceworks.com d3 voiceworks

    has anyone suggested a pack-n-play? or mesh bumpers?

    ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  • Pandora

    Oh, by the way, checked out the “Hate” and it seems the haters have provided you with at least 2 future masthead titles: “Whackadooland” and “The Almighty Dooce!”
    I hope that you’re raking in the bucks from Monetizing the Hate. Even though you seem to take it pretty well, it still must be a bit rough to read so much nastiness about yourself.

  • http://meghansdailylife.blogspot.com Meghan

    BUMPERS! As SIDS paranoid as I am, we still have the padded bumpers in her crib and they are fantastic.

  • Birgit

    Get a Cribshield = breathable mesh bumper.http://www.breathablebaby.com/

    Much safer than a padded bumper.

  • Caryn

    I think the mesh bumpers are a good idea. You might also try a sleep sack. It won’t help with the arms so much, but it will help with the legs. You can get some in the US at BabysRUs but if you are so inclined, they are much more popular in the UK. They come in much better fabrics, sizes, etc. Try Ebay.co.uk or try these, which are THE best! I’m getting them for my 18 month old and my 3 year old.


  • http://rebelwithadiaperbag.blogspot.com/ Brandy @ Rebel With a Diaper bag

    Of the 300 “swaddle” suggestions, and the 299 “mesh bumper/crib shield” suggestions, I could not be more proud to be the ONLY ONE to THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX…(post #170)

    Here it is again for you:

    Sling that baby up over the door!


    Only (half) kidding.



  • http://www.yogabitch.blogspot.com/ kristin k

    YAH! Seriously…never even thought about that whole crib/bars thing. How did we survive?

    I don’t really think you can blame Marlo, though. I seem to remember you posting a video of you dancing? And if I remember correctly, your arms smacked God’s left foot all the way in heaven.

    It’ll just be the first of many “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT MOTHER” moments.

  • http://gproids.com steroids

    I agree with the others – a pack and play is a great idea. My youngest son slept in one until he was about a year old! Good luck!!!

  • Britney

    I never have time to comment but MUST HAVE my daily Dooce. Like coffee…or air. There are a few things that I want to comment on and I will take the liberty of doing it all here, now.

    First of all and most importantly:
    MEAN PEOPLE SUCK. Mean is one thing but saying mean things about someone’s children (that are TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL BY THE WAY)is in no way ever ok. There should be a special place in hell for anyone that can hate a child!!!! Your daughter’s are gorgeous and you ARE IN NO WAY a bad parent for blogging about them. If anything, it’s evidence of how much you love them.

    Second and totally important:
    Girl your haircut is HOT!!! And you are beautiful inside and out. You are funny, smart and kind. The people that hate on your website are none of those things and are jealous. Your website’s so popular beacuse you’re so awesome. I also follow you on twiiter. Stalkeriffic??? If they didn’t like you they wouldn’t stalk you ;) LOVE YOUR HATERS, THEY’RE YOUR BIGGEST FANS. They wish that they could have your life, and spend all their time with their loving family instead of working their shit-hole jobs.

    And last but still important:
    Your husband is not a dork. I’ve read some things he’s written about our nation and it’s problems and he seems very smart. Doesn’t he also do tons of tech stuff for your site? And I thought his Peter Frampton video was awesome. My hubby is like that, and they make the ‘funnest’ dads. I’m sure you’re proud of him, people who say mean things about him just wish they had such a nice husband.

    Keep your lovely chin up, smile, you are FABULOUS!!! And keep doing your thing, YOU ROCK! I would love for you to follow me on twitter,I’m nobody but I blog alot and am a tad funny :P I’m @naughtyperfect, you’re the reason I joined now I’m addicted. All my best!!!


  • Emily Aloha

    Um, ever hear of a pack and play? They’re portable cribs with walls MADE for your kids? Only they’re nice and soft and collapsible and NOT a cardboard box? LOL

  • http://www.ninesandquines.typepad.com libby @ ninesandquines

    HA! my VERY first thought when i read that she’d gotten herself stuck was “don’t they have cribs with solid sides?” HA! why yes, they do! they are called cardboard boxes!!!!! one of my dogs slept in one for a few days when she was a puppy….until she learned how to jump out of it….then i had to buy a crate. hey wait – how about a crate?? the spaces on those are smaller than cribs….

  • Anonymous

    We used bendy camping mattresses to line the walls of the crib, (attached with C-clamps) so she would have something to bump into and wouldn’t get stuck. But it was kind of sad when we realized, 3-4 months later, that her crib world was tall, black, padded walls. She didn’t seem to mind though, and she slept great. good luck.

  • http://nat-the-brat.blogspot.com Natalie

    I see nothing wrong with a cardboard box crib. Seems logical to me.

    However, don’t end up like this woman and put the cardboard box ON TOP OF YOUR CAR with Marlo in it. Bad idea:


  • http://lifeissweet16.wordpress.com Renee

    I need to read your blog more often. This was hilarious.

    And I agree.

  • http://www.theplaymakers.com/Playthings/Blurt_builds.html Tim Walsh

    The Cardboard box was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame a few years back. So it’s a toy. Do not fear the box.

  • Becky

    Heather! I have missed you! Your site was all messed up on my computer, and a friend of mine who is also a big fan of you (and of Jon’s blog) said that recently Jon posted something about removing your cookies if you can’t get Heather’s site to load correctly. So of course I did just that, and now I am back to laughing with you! LOVED this post about Miss Marlo and her busy little body. Yep. My second was the same way, but I had used a bumper (even with all those SIDS warnings against it! I am not the mom of the year… )and even though she woke up in weird positions, she never had limbs stuck in the bars of the crib. Both my daughters actually found a comforting spot with their little noggins burrowed into the padded corners of the crib. You’ve gotten lots of advice on this one, and if you do put cardboard sides on your crib, we ALL want to see pics!

  • http://poopandboogies.com William

    There is an episode of Seinfeld where Fraser lets the Asian businessmen sleep in a chest of Drawers. I think this would work for you.

  • http://www.autismlearningfelt.com Tammy

    I’m watching Dr. Phil. I love what you said about a village. That Jessica is annoying me. Really, who gave her the right to decide who should have kids. (I’m a SAHM and love it. I’ve also been a working mom and loved it). I had to leave my job and stay home with my kids because my eldest is autistic and needed my extra attention.

  • http://onepot.wordpress.com Onepot

    Eternity with Hitler, eh? I’m in trouble.

    By the way, back in the old country? Infants in boxes, infants in drawers… it’s all good.

  • http://www.freckletree.com freckletree.

    Twins. I saw a woman with three year old twins and she had a big belly. Not from alcohol, like mine.

    From a baby.

    My twins are nine months. My husband and I are equally terrified of sex. Honestly, it reminds me of Jon’s post concerning PTSD.

    Does that mean I’ll want to have sex in three years??

    I sure hope not.

  • http://poopinginpeace.blogspot.com/ Kristi

    I HIGHLY recommend abstinence. I got pregnant with my 3rd baby, when my 2nd was 6 months old. Let me repeat that, SIX MONTHS OLD!! We weren’t even sure we wanted a 3rd, but there she was. So yeah. That whole not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding is a bunch of crap. Although we were using condoms, most of the time. I have an IUD now and it’s the best thing besides the “snip, snip” which may be coming soon.

  • Victoria

    What’s all this talk about babies getting stuck in cribs?? I’m pregnant and assumed that, by now, they ironed all crib problems out! And let me tell you, a cardboard box sounds a heck of a lot safer than a crib. They must have cribs without slates? Good thing I still have several months to figure all this stuff out!

  • steph

    Put her in the damn box!

  • swedishfishing

    The Europeans are way ahead of you! You can get a totally eco-friendly, hipster-certified CARDBOARD BED for your kids.
    It’s pretty much a box, yeah. But chic, no?

  • http://tedbethnkate.blogspot.com Beth

    I noticed others on here said it and I’ll agree…Breathable Bumper. We got ours at Babies R Us. I was so fearful of the kid smooshing there head against the bumper and suffocating thing but then like you I became fearful of her getting caught. This bumper is the best of both worlds…it let me sleep a bit easier.