• workroom

    oh man would I ever love to see you use the two in one sentence… JESUSSSS… gave me SHINGLESSSSS….!!!!

    And you do realize, this whole snip snip thing? Gives Jon the forever rights to whine and complain about anything he wants from now on to FOREVER… it’s not like you can say “grow some balls” and “man up” anymore… OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

    ; )

  • Sean Locke

    I had mine done about six months after my youngest was born. Jon’s story sounds a lot like mine, except I couldn’t bear to have my wife in there with me.

    Four things:

    1. They gave me a valium before the procedure. They didn’t ask me if I wanted one, just: “Here, take a valium, it’ll help you relax.”

    2. The nurse showed me a little boom box and a selection of CDs and said I should pick something. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to listen to while getting my nards cut open, and said so. Nurse said, “You should pick something. The doctor can’t stand to operate with no music playing. He’ll pick the 1812 Overture if you don’t pick anything.”

    I thought for a moment of the doctor humming along and waving his scalpel around like a conductor’s baton. And then I remembered the cannonade in the song, which is usually very exciting, but I didn’t want exciting at my vasectomy. I picked the Norah Jones CD.

    3. The doctor, as it turned out, didn’t have a scalpel, but some other instrument I couldn’t identify. I asked him what was up with that, and he grinned like a child with a new toy and said, “Oh, we don’t use scalpels. It’s a [something] – kind of like a SEARING CLAMP. It cuts and cauterizes in one shot – very convenient!”

    I cried a little bit.

    4. I tried read a Time magazine during the procedure, because I didn’t want to think of what was happening. The article was about the likelihood of Hilary Clinton running for the Democratic ticket a couple years hence. Between my own distraction and the valium, I knew I wouldn’t retain anything, so I stopped. Also, there was that burning-ozone-barbecued-pork smell.

    “Doc, what are we doing down there?” (Because I’m one of those guys who says “we” when I mean “you.”)
    “I don’t know about you, but I’m doing a vasectomy. I probably shouldn’t stop, though.”
    “No no, it’s fine, carry on.”

    Yes, I was a stereotypical wimpy guy for this whole thing. I’m so glad I did it though! Two kids is plenty, and I’m no huge fan of raincoats, if you know what I mean. AND I THINK YOU DO.

  • http://theboldsoul.com The Bold Soul

    Well if he doesn’t divorce you over this post, then he never will. ;)

    I remember when my brother-in-law had his little snip, it was the day before Easter Sunday. So my sister and her husband and their two kids show up for Easter dinner, and my sister is all, “Don’t mind Brian, he’s just had a vasectomy and he’s going to sit in that chair over there with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch”. Not ONE OUNCE OF SYMPATHY. And when I remarked upon this, she gave me that LOOK (the same one our mother has given us for years, the look that says “You don’t know jack shit so just shut up because I’m right and you’re wrong and don’t push your luck”) and said “I HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO TWO BABIES FOR WHICH I LABORED 26 AND 20 HOURS, RESPECTIVELY. You’re right, I have no sympathy.”

    Oh. Well. Pardon me. So I turned around and told Brian how sorry I was… that he’d married my bitchy sister. He must love her though; they’ve been married 23 years.

  • http://www.anutt.blogspot.com anutt

    I suppose it’s not funny…however, I DIED laughing. DIED! Tears pouring down my cheeks laughing. From the Jesus chant to him flatlining on the table to the Poor Little Bunny!!! A man Cold!!! hahaha Heather, you are hilarious!!

  • Wendy

    I laughed so hard! Thanks I needed that as I prepare for the dreaded “yearly exam” that I have this morning…. Since I had a c-section and my tubes tied, I didn’t get to experience this amusement. I’m glad I got to witness yours! Hilarious!

  • Diane

    One of the funniest things I have ever read. Cracking up at my desk…thank you.

  • http://singlemompenelope.blogspot.com Penelope

    LOVE this. Hilarious!

  • Anonymous

    Loved it! Best story ever! Actually laughed out loud over my morning eggs. Thanks! :)

    Frozen peas Jon!! You’ll live…it’s not like being cut from side to side and having a 9lb something pulled out of you but it’s ALMOST the same I’m sure. ;)

  • Anonymous

    Loved it! Best story ever! Actually laughed out loud over my morning eggs. Thanks! :)

    Frozen peas Jon!! You’ll live…it’s not like being cut from side to side and having a 9lb something pulled out of you but it’s ALMOST the same I’m sure. ;)

  • bev

    I spent the first 16 years of my life in a very conservative Christian church and when my parents got pissed because they had things like…oh…EVIL GUITARS being played during the hymns we went to the Church of Christ. Not the liberal, Lutheran-light Church of Christ. The ones who think pianos in church are SINFUL.

    Anywho. We thought those Baptists were going to hell because of some minor deviation in how they viewed baptism. And you Mormons?! Oh. My. God. Hell-bound cultists for certain. So I went and did an even more heinous and ruinous act and married me a (recovering) Catholic. And in an act of on-going rebellion, I’ve stayed married to him for 25 years.

    Yes. All this just to spite my mother.

    Anywho two. We would never have used the word “Jesus” without it being in a complete sentence. Otherwise it’s akin to cussin’ and nobody fucking wants that kind of goddamned shit to happen.

  • http://allstarme.wordpress.com Claire

    I spent the entirety of this email laughing like a fool. I hate to laugh at such a delicate procedure but that was hilarious. Oh, and I live scarily close to Valdosta, Georgia and that place scares me.

  • http://yummantra.blogspot.com Yum

    OMFG. I’m reading this at work and I had to close my office door because I was SNORTING. Hilarious. I mean, you know, also traumatic for Jon… But HA!

  • neg

    More snow pictures please! I miss Christmas and winter.

  • Kate

    Jazz Hands for Jesus!

  • http://pimpajoentje.be Greet

    I love reading your blog and all that, but I think it’s kind of mean to laugh at Jon like that. Being operated is not funny at all. And I don’t think you were a lot of help to him. I feel kind of offended in his place.

  • http://www.ninesandquines.typepad.com libby @ ninesandquines

    oh for fuck’s sake! my stomach hurts WAY too much from laughing!!!!! OMG!!!! welcome back heather :-)

  • Michelle

    Best story ever!

  • Chris

    My husband would not LET me go with him – he made my DAD, yes, his FIL, take him. My husband is the biggest baby ever, so I can only imagine what this was like. He spent three days on the couch with his frozen peas.

  • http://onepot.wordpress.com Onepot @ onepot.wordpress.com

    Awe… wishing Jon’s naughty bits (and his bruised psyche) a speedy recovery.

  • Anonymous

    Are you or Jon going to tell us some of the thought process that led up to this huge decision (a la your 3-post-build-up to your natural labor?) I’m really interested.

  • http://knit.vibegrrl.com Lara

    HAHAAHA! That is AWESOME. “I’m not even touching you!” Hilarious!

    On a related note, I know a urologist who gave HIMSELF a vasectomy. Tell that one to Jon and see if he passes out. :)

  • http://kitkat4real.blogspot.com Katherine SOLO dot MOM

    This is the best story… I literally laughed out loud while reading it. And yes… if I ever marry again… he will get the vasectomy. (side note: it only took me three minutes to scroll back up and find the word spelled correctly so I could type that.)

    Thanks for sharing.

  • http://www.marieshighdive.com Marie

    That was hilarious. I hate laughing at the expense of another person’s balls, but that was a great story. Hilarious clip, too! Men and their man colds.

  • http://www.doahleigh.com doahleigh

    Oh my hell, hilarious.

    Oh, and poor Jon too.

  • Simone

    Hilarious! Love the vid too!
    xx

  • Kelly

    Oh my, I laughed until I cried at this post. “Dude, it’s only a napkin”. My office-mates now think I’m crazy. I think your hubby and mine saw the same video. Ask him about the guy with the handlebar moustache…

  • Fellow Utahn

    I think we’re living parallel lives. My 4 year old daughter just told me yesterday that she was “courageous” because she got her flu shot and Mommy was “courageous” too because she got hers. And my hubby just had his consultation for the big snip. It’s next week. I’ll have him read this. Watch it buddy! So great.

  • Sandy

    Oh this is too funny! Thank god I haven’t started MY coffee yet – otherwise I’d be cleaning up a keyboardfull of java….

    Thanks for starting my Friday off right. Trick or treat!

  • Anne

    You are funny and comment #17 make me laugh right out loud. I am so glad to read a truly funny blog. I got started reading blogs through my nephew’s wife’s blog. They are Mormon, so I click on all of these Mormon Mommy blogs from theirs. I discovered Cjane and read her blog. Her fans always talk about how hard they laugh, peeing their pants, tears streaming down their faces when they read her funny blog entries. I thought something was wrong with me, as I didn’t even smirk at these supposedly funny entries. Now, I know I have not lost my sense of humor. Thank you and your commenters.

  • Jacqui

    Lord have mercy. If not for the hilarity that ensued, I’d have just suggested that you have the Essure procedure. I had that done recently, and had no side effects and no discomfort. It’s totally non surgical. Painless… and whine-free. :o )

  • http://dunhams.typepad.com/seconddrafts Craig

    I grew up on a farm and spent a majority of my Saturdays in high school castrating six-week old male pigs to prevent breeding.

    Twenty years later, I went to “the vet” and had an experience EXACTLY like Jon’s. I told the urologist I couldn’t help but equate those Saturday morning castrations with my vasectomy. He assured me they were two completely different procedures, but I don’t ever remember laughing like a sadist when I worked on the pigs.

    My personal theory: urologists (God love ‘em) were those kids who got chosen last for kickball in grade school and this is their long-awaited revenge on mankind. Never again.

  • Tara

    You should have put a warning in the title to not read at work. I was laughing so hard that I literally snorted and then snot blew out of my nose. Nice right?

  • Anonymous

    FIRST

  • Kimmyvb10

    Bwwahahaha, I love trying to contain my laughter while at work when reading some of your posts!!!! Somehow explaining what I’m laughing at is never fully understood but the video clip definitely helps, thanks for the laughs. Best wishes for a full recovery Jon and bring me my bell:-)

  • http://daddyscratches.com Daddy Scratches

    I know firsthand that there’s nothing pleasant about getting a vasectomy … but, good god, it is EVER SO MUCH BETTER than the fear of more children!

    (Frozen peas, Jon. Frozen peas.)

  • Tracy

    Coming from the wife who is waiting for the husband to get the big “V”, I have never laughed so hard in my life. I called my husband and read him the story (not sure he got it all through my hysterical cracking up)… and my repetition of the word ABSTINENCE seemed to overcome the horror of the knife! Keep up the good work!

  • Elinda

    Well, he deserves it after what he put you through! I’m not even taking my baby daddy to the doctor for the big V. I’m going to do it myself. With a steak knife.

  • Penny

    Oh I love it Heather. And I’m sorry Jon for all the pain you have been through.

    Just wanted to add my two cents here. My sister had 2 kids, 13 and 11 and was DONE with babies, thus her hubby’s vasectomy after the 11 year old was born. You know that even vasectomies fail, right? My sister now has a 25 year old, 23 year old and 12 year old – yep, his name is Tommy. Vasectomy meet glitch. Hope it works out for you Heather and I’m sorry if I just scared the be-jesus out of you.

  • Emily

    that is HILARIOUS! i’m going to have my DH read this later. he just had his consultation yesterday and has the big “procedure” next month. i’ll have to ask him about that video…

  • Shana in Texas

    So funny!! I wish I could have been there for my husband’s procedure – he was there for the c-section and the VBAC and I would have gladly held his hand for a couple of snips and stiches! BTW, the urologist has the greatest name ever Dr. Dick Chopp. My husband even has a t-shirt (camo ’cause it’s Texas). Apparently, it’s the re-growth of hair that’s the worse – akin to a porcupine in the pants.

  • Louise

    Wow, I am from Valdosta, Georgia and was raised Baptist. That really made my day. I always refused to participate in the chanting.

  • Jen

    wow. My hubby is superman. He went in by himself when he had it done. I was a nervous wreck for him, he said it was no big deal. I had to force him to relax with an ice pack for the first day.

    I hope Jon recovers nicely. The bruising REALLY scared me, so hope it’s not too bad for him.

    J

  • http://www.bytheseatofourpants.com Jasie VanGesen

    Best story ever.

  • Anonymous

    Make sure Jon keeps his post-op appointments to check and see if “he’s shooting blanks.” Because, until then, the “V” will not be foolproof.

  • http://luckythirteenandcounting.com Sandi

    That was the best thing I’ve read in a long damn time! Thank you Jon for going through HELL so we could laugh at you!

  • http://noplacelikehome-theresa.blogspot.co Theresa

    Yay Jon! I think we’ve established that your husband is the best good sport EVER, but this is really the best. Thanks for sharing your NAD-DEFUSION with us!

  • jennifer

    JESUS!

  • http://little-epiphany.blogspot.com/ herbette

    I’m reading this post (hilarious), and notice that all the ads are for plumbing services- cooincidence? I think not!

  • http://www.buttonsmcsweet.com Jillian

    Awwwww…..snip snip. Doesn’t it make you just a little, eensy, weensy, bit sad?

  • Anna

    Oh, I feel so sorry for Jon.
    Hope that he’s fine with you making fun of what sounds like his worst nightmare…..
    Despite that, you have two lucky girls – they get to have the best, caring and wonderfully humorous parents all to themselves!