• SushiForBaby

    I started crying when I read this post. It was like looking in a mirror to my past.

    I cannot tell you how precisely you captured my mindset three years ago. Married with one child, who had become my whole world. But I lost myself. I lost myself in her, in him…I thought it was everything I had ever wanted in life but suddenly I realized it wasn’t.

    The guilt. The denial. The depression.

    I know *exactly* how you feel. I was on the bad end of a suicide hotline. The only way to escape the endlessness was to end it all. But I was smart enough to call, to reach out, to ask for help.

    The road was bumpy. It still is. I can’t lie and say anything you’re going through will be easy. But it does get better. Day by day, up and down. And those two girls will pull you through it. You’ll pull you through it.

    I sat for days, weeks, crying. Mourning the life I thought I wanted. Three years later my ex-husband and I are still good friends and our daughter’s teacher couldn’t even tell she had divorced parents. We have dinner together most nights of the week. We get along better than some still-married parents. Because we work at it. We work at the bigger picture: HER. Our daughter. She is our priority and was the anchor that helped us navigate those rocky days, weeks, months.

    Do the best you can every day, and that is all you can do. Some days your best will be messy hair and sweatpants. Other days it will include a shower. Give yourself time and permission to be gentle on yourself.

    Be the valedictorian of being Heather every day. No more. Just be and keep breathing.

    And remember you are loved.

  • wendywont

    long time lurker coming out to say you saved me yesterday. neither of us are alone, and thank you for all of the bravery you inspire.

  • Marissa13

    I want to give you a hug and margarita and tell you everything will work out for the best — even though neither of us really knows.

    I’m so, so sorry you and Jon and the girls are going through this.

  • edenland

    I’m there, right now. It’s hard to know when to blog about it, hard to blog about things as you’re going through them .. knowing what’s appropriate and what isn’t. My world is spinning off its axis and some days the fear swallows me up. I’ll probably write about it in a swirly, symbolic way. Soon.

    But I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. Maybe even ever.

    You wrote this beautifully. I wish peace for you .. your girls are so gorgeous and they will be ok. They will. So will you.


  • radiantlisa

    My heart goes out to you. Things will turn out for the best, even if the road there takes you through every kind of hell you can imagine. I’m just finishing up my year of mourning the death of my almost 25-year-old marriage, so I say with confidence, you will survive, even if the you that exists at the end of your journey is not who you’d expect her to be. [[[hugs]]] You’ll be in my thoughts.

  • rebeccadutton

    I am holding you, Jon and the girls in my heart. You are brave and strong and courageous. Trust yourselves as this unfolds. Choose love, whatever form that takes.

  • awholelotofnothing

    Let your girls guide you through, knowing they are your rock.

  • salvationamy

    Heather, I’ve been trying to think of the right thing to say since yesterday, and failing. Probably there isn’t one at this point. I’ve been where you are, and standing in it, I realize it’s impossible to see where the other side is, or even where it should be, or where you want it to be.

    What I DO know, is that there is another side. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when it’s hard, even when you aren’t sure what the point is. Feel the sadness, and take the joy where it comes, because it does come when we’re open to recognizing it. I’m sure, of course, that you know this all already.

    Thinking of you all and sending love and light from the other end of the country.

  • Laurie

    Sending peace and love your way. You’re not alone.

  • durhamangie

    I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning and this is only the second time I’ve commented.

    I can’t tell you how much this has affected me. And I can’t even tell you why it’s affected me so much. But I feel for you and for Jon and for those beautiful girls.

    I’m another far-away friend sending you all many peaceful and healing thoughts and I know you will all be okay.


  • Mindy Lee

    I’m so saddened to read this. Much love to you, to John, and to your beautiful girls.

  • meg_7

    I am so shocked and saddened to hear this…I’m so sorry that you and Jon and the girls are going through this and hope very much that it is only temporary, and that you and Jon are able to find your way to a better place. Sending so much love your way. Stay underwater as long as you need too.

  • Hagan Squared

    I am so, so sorry you are going through this. You and Jon and the girls are in my thoughts. Much love to you all.

  • chromachord

    I’ve been reading your site for years, and I have your books. You have helped me through dark times (my own serious bout with clinical depression) and you’ve been there for the good too. While I mostly lurk, I had to log in and say that you are all in my thoughts. I wish you guys nothing but the best. Sending love, light, and positiveness your way.

  • darango

    Oy! That’s Yiddish for “That sucks, I wish I had a time machine so I could work around this.”

    I hope you remain safe.

  • Cateyez

    While I’m probably just another number in a sea of comments here, I’d still like to take a minute and let you know that people out here are thinking of you. Many of us have been reading your blog for years and feel really close to your life. We hope this separation is only temporary and that you two can find each other again. We’re rooting for you!

  • Heather_O

    I’m so sorry to hear this. Much love to you, Jon, Leta and Marlo.

    And don’t worry, your readers aren’t going anywhere.

  • ailouron

    I’m so sorry. I’m hoping the best for all of you. Good luck, survive the water, just don’t stay forever. We’ll be here, appreciating and rooting for you for the duration.

  • Issa

    Tons of love to you and the girls.

  • floridagal73

    Heather, my heart aches for you. I wish I could undo all the things that brought you to this place; I wish I could fix this and make it all right again. But I know that I can not – and so all I can offer is a virtual embrace.

    People have written beautiful things here; words that, in their time, will help you find your way. I like what someone wrote when they said “Just focus on being the valedictorian of being Heather Armstrong and nothing else (paraphrase).”

    This is the time to focus on you. As your virtual family, we will stand by you.

    You, Jon and the girls are in our prayers.

  • LyzL

    Oh, Heather and Jon. I love you both and I wish the best for you both.

    I think the thing with the internet is that when you open your life to so many people, your joys and pain become shared by people you don’t even know. People who love you like family. People like me who are sad that you are sad and wish for you nothing but happiness, even thought I know that to get to happiness sometimes things have to suck.

    I am hoping the best for your family.

  • ValerieS

    They say that these things too shall pass.

    They say that what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.

    They say that, in time, all wounds will heal.

    What they don’t say is that life can be a struggle. Pain hurts. Sorrow is real. Hearts break.

    While I have experienced all of these things, I have not experienced what you are all going through.

    Know that there are countless people thinking about all of you, praying for all of you, and wishing nothing but the best.

    People care. We care. I care.

    Lots of love to your entire family (including Chuck and Coco), Heather…

  • Marinka

    I know that the girls are your priority. But you have to be a priority, too. Sending my best to you.

  • Shoeladee

    Oh my heart breaks for you all! Since I am a glass half-full kind of girl, I will say that the “S” word is still better than the “D” word. I hope you two can work things out – whatever that may be – and come out of this wiser, stronger and healthy!! Much love from one of your devoted readers!!

  • tnzed

    I had to read this twice to truly understand what I was reading. Love and hugs to you, Jon, and your sweet girls.

  • jane8760

    The way you wrote this was so moving. I could feel the sadness.

    We are all just a bunch of strangers I know but I think everyone wants the best for you and truely cares.

    Wish you could feel all the hugs you are getting today.

  • Mom2Gizmo

    This hurts my heart. I feel like this can’t possibly be happening to your family…hugs to your beautiful girls and you and Jon as you work through this. I never post (although I read regularly) but this was something I had to comment on…you must know how many people support you, and love you, and want to see this turn out well in the end. ((hugs))

  • joannefogarty

    Don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said…. but I felt the need to find my username and password to let you know that we are all thinking of you, Jon & the family (daughters, Tyrant, dogs, etc). We are all pulling for you, sending you the very best wishes… and just irging you to hang on. You will make it through this.

  • jenmata

    I’m not going to pretend I know you or your family just because I read your blog. But I was sad when I read this, as sad as I would be for “real life” friends.I’m so sorry, I really, truly hope it works out and you guys find your way back to being happy together. Stay strong, and know you have an army of people rooting for you. Hugs.

  • RyantheGirl

    I will be thinking of you and your family… you are so loved.

  • Susabelle

    I know that sometimes Dooce.com and its Community turns into a mind-numbing distraction for me, and I end up spending too much time here. I become distanced from my much-more-important everyday life. So I step away and take a long break and put everything back in perspective. Maybe you need to take a break from dooce.com too.

  • Rike

    I have never commented before, but I feel the need to send you a big hug and lots and lots of strength.
    Through your website you became a part of my daily life. I laughed with you, I cried with you. And this time I was crying really much. You don’t know me, we probably will never meet, but I just wanted to say, that you and your family are in my thoughts.

  • knolting

    Thinking of you all.

  • amberella

    Sending lots of love your way.

  • Rosie R

    Oh, Heather, I am so sorry to hear this. I had wondered why you looked so sad in your last photo. I will be thinking of the four of you, and wishing you as much ease and comfort as is possible.

  • RathrBeAtWrigley

    So sorry to hear this, Heather. Much love to all of you.

  • Katie

    Shit, sorry you’re going through this. I hope you and Jon are able to find peace and happiness.

  • mfm

    I am wishing you all the strength to breathe one more day one more minute one more step. I don’t know if this is helpful, but I think it is true.
    The best love isn’t necessarily the longest love. The value of a life isn’t dependant on the length of the marriage.

  • CitronDrop

    Sending you so many good thoughts!

  • Pixie

    Sending good vibrations to you, Jon and the girls as you get thru this and to the other side of it.

  • virtualcarly

    I’m so sorry. I am thinking of you, pulling for you, and sending out my hope that you will feel comforted in the dark moments.

  • BlindTrixie

    Your words are so heartfelt and bare, I type this with tears in my eyes. I’ve followed your blog forever and though you are a stranger, you aren’t. As others have said, you’ve shared so much of yourself with us… you’re like a relative across the country that we don’t see but truly enjoy connecting with through your words.
    I’m proud of you for being better than I was when my husband left me and our two girls. I know that my oldest has memories, such as yours, of me crying into her hair and wondering aloud ‘what went wrong’. I wasn’t a good mother to them during that time and I still carry that guilt. I was so broken and there are moments when I stand near that door but quickly realize that I keep it locked for a reason.
    Don’t go there Heather. Do you hear me? You are an amazing woman and you will get through this difficult time. Much Love to you all.
    ***I edit to clarify that in no way did I intend this to insinuate that Jon “left” his family. My ex was nothing, I mean NOTHING, compared to the man I perceive Jon to be. Every part of me wishes beyond words that you will be able to work this out.

  • fableq

    Oh, hugs and love! This particular pain is far to real and far to familiar to me right this moment.

  • raddit

    I’m so, so sorry. Much love to you, Jon, and your beautiful girls.

  • Deserex

    OMG!!!! I’M SO SORRY FOR ALL OF YOU! Please know that your blog friends are there for each of you. Someone shared something with me that I want to now share with you: Relationships are like houses. When you first buy a new house, you love it, and it makes you happy to walk in the front door. Over time the “newness” wears off and it’s in need of many repairs. Over much time, you would need to have 2 or 3 things fixed before you can fix the main thing. At this point it just makes more sense to go buy a new house, but eventually the new house will need repairs too. You can’t keep buying new houses, so stop and see what kind of “remodeling” you can do to the house you have now. You need to also be sure to use the right kind of tools, because you can’t hammer a nail with a putty knife. XOXOXO

  • Teresa W

    I’m so sorry to read this post. I too have gone through the break thing. It was 30 years ago and we did get back together. We are still together and in love with two grown sons and two grandchildren. I hope you and Jon can work it out. I’m not going anywhere. I love reading your blog– I am a middle-aged retired school teacher in the Midwest–no less.

  • Kikimarcus

    My husband and I were disgustingly happy. All our life plans coming together much sooner than we expected that we quickly realized we were going to have to make new ones. Such an exciting and joyful time for us. Then he dropped dead of a heart attack. I became a widow at 37. That was a year and a half ago.

    It hurts my heart to see lives fall apart. I hope like hell that you and Jon can work this out. However your future comes to you, there is life on the other side of cutting pain, is what I want to share.

    Your blog has been a shinning little star in my days during the darkest year and a half I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for that gift. May you have many shinning stars during some of your dark nights.

  • elysia1

    Sending warm thoughts to all of you.

  • Mme Wong

    Big hugs all around.
    Thinking of you all, and wishing you peace.

  • reneewvu

    These Indigo Girls lyrics have brought me much comfort in my relationship. What you are experiencing is not new or novel. But you will be a better person because of it.

    During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
    To the blows of insecurity
    Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
    Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
    Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
    They’ve all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
    And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
    To the slim chance of love’s recovery.
    There I am in younger days, star gazing,
    Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
    Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
    My compass, faith in love’s perfection
    I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
    Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
    Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
    And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
    To the slim chance of love’s recovery.
    Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
    I search for our absolute distinction
    Not content to bow and bent
    To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
    Eating us away, eating us away
    Eating us away to our extinction
    Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
    I’d still have two of the same to live
    But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we’re universal
    To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give.
    (“Love’s Recovery”)