• GlassofWin

    Oh, wow, this was the last thing I expected. =( Oh, Heather, I hope you and Jon are able to work through it all. Much love to all six of you (because of course the mutts must be included in said love!) Been reading your blog since 2003 and this is definitely the biggest shocker of them all.
    *super tight Internet hugs of love & fan support*

  • Cera

    This was a beautifully written, interesting, and provocative post. I am surprised so many commenters are surprised though. You went to SF for New Year’s, and posted a picture of you going out dressed up without a wedding ring on. Also, you haven’t sounded like yourself or talked about Jon the same in ages, save for that “U2″ post that seemed liked something I would’ve written to tell myself I still loved someone.

    You also sound pretty definitive about this, even though it is being discussed as a separation. Whatever happens, I wish you and your family the best. This is definitely a watershed time.

  • Sabine

    So sorry to read this, Heather. Love love love to all of you.

  • souphead

    i’m so sorry to hear this. i’m sending love and hugs your way. however things go you will all be ok. happiness is the most important thing for all of you.

  • knittygrrrl

    sweet heather. i am so sorry. i have been there. huge hugs from massachusetts. love to all of you.

  • loisln77

    I’m on the other side of this roller coaster you’re riding, Heather. It gets better. Also, I will second and third the other posters that mentioned being with your spouse 24/7 is hard, so hang in there.
    You’re in my thoughts!!

  • lcarilo

    So hard, right? I don’t know how to do it. I feel bad about it for my own kids; dad & I separated, living under same roof. Internal apologies to my kids eating me alive. Having “experience” doesn’t make it easier, does it? Sorry.

  • ChrisB

    WOW! This literally leaves me speechless! I am so sorry, Heather! So so sorry! I know there is nothing anyone can really do other than lend emotional support. We are here for you!

  • LesleyG

    When I was finally old enough to talk with my mother about my parents’ split I had some sense to ask her what it felt like, to be a “single mother” suddenly. And she said what I’ll never forget, that she had been practicing it so long already in her mind and in her actions at home with my father that it wasn’t the blow she thought. Sure, there were other blows, but that somehow reassured her that she was still sane enough to piece together in her mind what a different life could look like. We always have that ability in us, I think.
    Sending much love and prayers to all of you.

  • mhsqrd

    I sent you a PM

  • jclarenbach

    I made a login just so I could leave you a wee note saying that I’m so sorry you’re in this place. Whatever happens next, you’re all such strong and loving people that it will be okay. Whatever it looks like.

  • megrit411

    Nothing but love and hugs for you and the girls! You are fierce and amazing and strong. And not Tyra Banks fierce, either. I’m talking couger-lioness-liger hybrid kinda fierce. You can do this.

  • Yolanda

    Oh this made me weep. For you. For Jon. For the girls. For my own love affair with this family and the story I’ve followed for almost a decade on this blog.

    And I’m crying for me. Because my marriage is in deep shit right now. And this didn’t give me any hope that we’re going to come out of this okay.

    I’m so, so sorry that you’re in this place right now. And I’m so glad you walked out of that garage. Alive.

  • act2ary

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending you thoughts of strength, peace and hope that at the end of all of this you will be where you want to be. Breathe.

  • anniavee

    I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself.

  • Tricia

    I wish I could fix this whole mess for you. Just fix whatever is wrong and help you guys have more happy days than sad.

    I am so sorry you and Jon are going through a bad time, and I pray that you both find your way through it to a better place where you can both be happy, whole parents to your precious daughters. My heart goes out to all of you.

  • RDQueena

    So sorry…

    I couldn’t breathe when I read this. You’ve been making me laugh for years and now your pain feels personal to me somehow.

    Stay strong and visualize everyone out here holding your hand.


  • Jawnbc

    I don’t mean this in the way it first sounds…but congratulations.

    Not for the separation. But for landing on the side of me/not me that is the right side. Facing difficult decisions is brutal; living without acting when you know you need to do something is much worse.

    Where this goes doesn’t really matter: take it as it comes and wait for the signs. Whatever happens, you and John have created magic: Leta and Marlo.

  • greenplanner

    Oh.Fuck.No. life is not fair, that’s for sure.
    It hurts to even imagine what you’re going through right now. I’m sorry.
    I’ve been there.

    It gets better.
    I promise.

  • patsgirl

    I hate that this is going on…I am such a ding dong when I read your blog the first time I did not get the leash in the gargage ~ I thought Jon had left with the dogs. BUT when I slowed down and read it again, I got it. And let me just say, please do not do that to your girls. If you care for them even a little bit, which I know you do, then that in and of itself will prevent you from giving in to what ever voices are in your head.
    You and Jon are smart enough to get help for yourselves, your kids and your dogs. Keep the grown up stuff seperated. I am really sorry for your kids and your pets that this is happening. I hope if it is in the best interest for the kids you guys work it out. All the best!

  • Not Marlo

    Deep breaths to you both.

    As someone who separated and worked it out, wanted to share yes that does happen, but these times oh they can be dark. However, without that darkness we would never have found the light. Really. And if you ever want to talk to someone who’s gone through it, you can always PM. We’re all real people here.

    Wishing you both all the best and mending to heavy hearts.

  • katiemaedays

    You are not alone as I know you must know. I think its so important to be reminded though as its easy to feel alone.

    I am going through a separation too and had felt at early points that I was the only one among all the sea of Moms at school or at my daughter’s Drama practice or anywhere else for that matter, that had issues in her marriage. I knew I had to be exaggerating in my busy mind and that this wasn’t true but emotionally sometimes I felt that way.

    I loved reading about the way told Leta about needing a break sounds so similar to the words we used and still use when it comes up.

    Thank you for your courage in sharing and for how real you are. This inspires me to write more of my journey too. Thinking of you and your family,

  • gretchie

    This summer, my best friend and her husband broke up. They are working towards a divorce. It’s been hard to watch. Their child is “one of ours” and my little girl’s BFF. When there is stress, we gladly take her in for a day or two and make sure she has a great time. I’m so glad you have such a healthy attitude towards your daughters’ feelings. Sometimes I wish my friend and her husband were as good you and John are. Neither of them have a day of counseling in them, and they have enough trouble honoring their own feelings, let alone each other’s, and their daughter’s. Although, I really feel my friend is truly doing the best she can, and loving her child the best way she knows how – I would never say she’s neglecting her!

    Just the same, I feel so sad, I’m in denial. I selfishly want you all to work it out, because if you do, maybe divorce won’t happen to me one day. Which tells you how closely I identify with you! Really though, as long as you continue to honor the girls’ feelings, and your own, I wish you whatever life arrangement brings you the most peace and oneness. To paraphrase a previous poster, you do not have to be the valedictorian of marriage or motherhood or blogging, you just have to be the valedictorian of being YOU.

    Whatever you difficulties, and I hope neither of you were being out-and-out cads (I can’t deal with that just yet), it is so so so true that you cannot know what happens behind closed doors. You spoke about your angry outbursts toward John at times, and I hoped that he would always be so forgiving. Maybe only had one side of the story, maybe I just wanted to believe your relationship would triumph. It may yet.

    And if it doesn’t, phooey. You are not your break-up.

    “Just when the caterpillar thought the world had come to an end, he became a butterfly.”

  • tracy211

    I just want to add to the chorus of support. Hope you can feel it through the internet. Hang in there.

  • NoLongerEvil

    I’m so sorry.

  • RandiB4283

    My God Heather. How incredibly lucky those beautiful girls are to have you as their mother. Look how strong you are for them. Look at the compassion, the bravery, the selflessness you are teaching them. They will look back at this one day, when they are grown and strong women themselves, and they will know that much of their strength comes from you. What a legacy to leave for your children.

    In a situation where everything seems all wrong, you’re doing the biggest, hardest and most important part so very right.

  • filmlady11

    Many many hugs for you and the girls and Jon. Stay safe, stay strong, and keep using your words to help make sense of a senseless situation. Much love and support for you, beautiful lady.

  • Lovebuzz38

    I had to read this post multiple times to fully comprehend what it all meant. Take your time. We’ll be here.

  • Eleven

    We love you all, no matter what.

  • Daisee

    Oh no, this makes me so sad.
    I want you both to read all the kind, wonderful things you have written about each other over the years OKAY?? Its just what I thought of just now – the heartfelt words…
    Stay strong and know that you are in my thoughts. Sending much love your way :)

  • sarahfromthenorth

    Hmm .. don’t even know you personally and this has me tearing up :( . I hope you get to a place where it all makes sense again.

    Praying for all of you! It must be so scary for you and Jon .. sounds like you are doing the best from letting the kids get in the middle, good for you!!

    I sure hope you are back to your spunky self soon Heather. (((hugs))) to you sweetie!

    Jon .. hang in there, thinking of you too, this has got to be so so hard!

  • poopinginpeace

    I can’t take it. I’m so sorry for you! I could tell something wasn’t quite right with you. I know I don’t know you personally, but I’ve been reading your blog for 8 years now and you just seemed “off”. I really hope you guys work this out. I also want to say how sorry I am because I know I sent you an email a few months back asking how you guys did it. I was always a bit jealous of your relationship, because it seemed to be so great. My husband and I have been together 16 years, married for 10 and we have had many ups and downs. This past April I thought we were for sure headed for a split. We are still together, but there are days I really wonder for how long. I know our girls are a big part of the reason why. So I’m sorry I assumed your relationship was perfect and you had it all figured out. Probably not a great email to get when you’re going through shit. I will say it really makes me realize that there is no perfect relationship and I will just continue to work on the one I have. I like the house analogy someone else used earlier. So true. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and love and hope that you guys work this out. Marriage is hard work. Something I don’t think anyone really ever prepares you for. Take care.

  • Sarina

    Like so many other readers, I am rooting for you and Jon to make it over this big-ass bump in the road. Thanks for sharing … you are continuing to help others through your awesome, natural gift of communication. Good luck.

  • Bannod

    I have read each and every comment here, and a wonderful community of people have joined together to support you through this difficult time. Lean on us and draw strength from us. We will be here for you.

    What scares me is that you brought up the garage. I’m afraid that option occurred to you again, since you mentioned it in your post. It’s obvious how very deeply you were affected by your parents divorce. But consider how much worse it would be to lose a parent to suicide. No one ever really gets over the death of a family member, but to lose one to suicide… how many children feel it might have been their fault? How many wondered if there was something they could have done? How many have been left with so many unanswered questions? How many just want to know “Why???” Those questions can never be answered.

    Please stay safe, Heather.

  • sweetsalty kate

    Needless to say, I can relate. Lingering in it with you.

  • shelliack

    Heather and family- I cried when I read this post (am still crying as I write this) and felt all of your pain. I’ve just gone through the same thing, including the thought that it would simply be better if I wasn’t around any more. It’s only been a few weeks and I still have those moments of serious doubt that splitting up what used to be a dysfunctional, unhappy family might not have been the right thing to do, and then, like a light going on, I realize that there was no other choice. I have always said that the money I put away each month is for my daughter’s college or therapy, whichever is needed more (HA! as if there is some chance that having me for a mom won’t completely fuck her up). In spite of that, I don’t want to leave a legacy of suicide for her to deal with too. Stay with them, they need you. I love the way you love your girls, with lots of humor and fierce pride, and they need much, much more of that to survive this crazy world. I look forward to reading more about the adventures to come.

  • Lish

    I wish you peace and easier breathing.
    Whatever it takes to get you and your family to the other side, wherever the other side happens to be.

  • harrisonsmm

    I’m so sorry that you and your family have to walk this path. I truly feel you will be provided with the tools and words you need to guide your girls through this. What about Chuck and Coco? They’ll never be able to talk through all they are feeling, right?

  • George

    Oh, I’m so, so sorry.
    Much love to you all.

  • jessiCat

    I am so, truly sorry for what you are going through. I have a huge lump in my throat and tears on my cheeks as I type this. I just want to send you love, hugs & prayers from Georgia. Please know, as some of your other “regulars” said, you are welcome to PM us any time. Call us! Text! Anything you need. You are NOT ALONE. Please breathe. Please know that at any given point, in any time zone, in any country….you have people who are sending you all of the good juju and prayers that we can muster up. Please don’t go back to that garage. For someone that I’ve never “met”, I feel like a part of your family. I come here and read about your trials and tribulations. I go to the DoCo and chat about anything and everything with my “other family”. Please just breathe…we are here when you need us.


    Love you, Jess

  • twirlyShells

    Love, love, love is all I can think for you all right now. I know you’ll get through this, whatever the outcome. You’re one of the strongest people I know — stay strong for yourself and the girls!

  • shelley75

    What the ever loving fuck?!?! That is the last thing I ever expected to read. Please stay strong and find your way through this. Those girls need you so much Heather!

  • beez27

    1- Thank you for writing about this and for allowing us to “see” your pain.

    2- It sucks .. big, giant, donkey balls.

    3- I hope that made you smile even ever so briefly.

    4- You are an inspiration to myself and so many others. We come here and you make us feel like we are close friends, so even though we’ve never met, I cried when I read this post. My own parents separated when I was in high school so I’ve always related to the kids who’ve been in the situation, but now I can relate to the adults. I can’t imagine what it must take to just get up and make breakfast and get through the entire day, but keep doing it. Leta and Marlo are blessed to have you as a mother.

  • KCMarineMomm

    No words of wisdom, no advice just a silent prayer for you and yours.

  • DCruz

    I wish there were something I could do. You are so strong and so brave. Don’t give up. So much love to you!

  • monkeysmom1

    I read this first thing this morning and felt sick to my stomach. The thought of it has stayed with me all day. Why do I feel like this when I only know you from the internet? I feel like when my best friend told me when she was getting a divorce. And when my parents split up. And then I thought about how whenever I hear about this, it just saddens me beyond belief, for everyone involved. You share so much, and put to words what so many feel everyday. I hope you are doing ok, and that somehow this can be worked out. And if it doesn’t, I know you’ll do everything you can to smooth it out for all involved. All the best to you…

  • raven1bandit

    I, too, understand. I am so so sorry for your pain. I wish the best for all of you. I struggled with believing it could all last forever. A child of divorce never really believes. I believe you know if you want to push through. If you do want to push through and if you do push with all you have, you will be glad you did. I am.

  • lemoga

    Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. Sending much love and peace your way.

  • annecat

    Oh God, Heather. I was afraid something like this was what was happening, largely based on one of Jon’s recent posts. All my most positive thoughts to you.

  • faye valleywood

    As I was reading your post, I was enjoying your way with words, as I always do. I was comepletely there with you as you described Marlo’s feet and Leta’s pillow gathering. As the reality of Leta’s question began to sink in, I can honestly say I am floored. I have no idea what event(s) you and Jon have been through and it’s none of my business. I actually appreciate that you have kept this part private. Your love for one another has seeped through the world wide web and that love deserves to be protected.

    I do have to say that I can’t get you off of my mind. I have re-read your post and this time I didn’t fight my tears. This is a weird feeling. I don’t think that I have ever felt so connected to someone I have never met. Maybe it’s because I feel like you sometimes take the words right outta my brain! You have the courage to do and say whatever you wish. I envy that courage as I, too, have a soul floor full of dust. At times, I feel like it’s stirring, but still have not found the courage to clean it up.

    Maybe this is why I am feeling so emotional about what is happening between you and Jon. I have finally found someone, someone so perfect for me. Just as you and Jon seem for each other. If I were to actually face my own issues…NO, I am too fearful of their wrath.

    I truly truly hope that your family weathers this storm and comes out better than ever!

    Among your many emails, I sent you a shout in January of last year. Not sure at all why I am just now becoming a member because I love your site, your wit, your candidness and your strength!!!