the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I Resolve To in 2002: Things Brought to My Attention Whilst Visiting Utah

1. Eat more french fries.

2. Make a point of telling Aunt Lola at the dinner table that her shoulder pad has done come down over her titty, and not over her bosom, as the word “titty” is just so much more descriptive than the word “bosom.”

3. Ask Granny if she has gotten any lately.

4. Remain composed when The Roommate’s nine-year-old niece says, “I guess I should call you Aunt Heather because they say that’s what you’ll be soon anyway.”

5. Teach my three-year-old nephew the subtle differences between his two younger twin brothers so that he no longer refers to them as “that baby there” and “this one here.”

6. Forgive the Mormons and their tragic lack of pigmentation.

7. Resist the urge to eat a Whopper Jr.� and two Krispy Kreme� doughnuts in one afternoon.

8. Refrain from guttural burping and silent farting in front of The Roommate’s mother.

9. Remain sober enough that I don’t tell the phone sex story to a group of strangers at a friend’s holiday cocktail party.

10. Get some weed.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more