the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Heavy Duty Home Improvement

Who knew that aiming a cordless 14.4 volt DeWalt drill at your husband’s ass might not be as funny as you thought it would be?

Me. I didn’t know.

I didn’t know that a quarter-inch drill bit could, with the slightest amount of mushing, cut a gaping hole through a pair of cargo pants and joe boxers.

I thought a drill only screwed things in, you know? Like, a drill only turns, turns, turns. It doesn’t rip, rip, rip. Why didn’t I know a drill rips, rips, rips?

Furthermore, why didn’t a certain someone tell me how to reverse the motion of a drill? Why would someone say to a wife, “Reverse! Reverse!” when the wife obviously, by demonstration of coming at you with the drill in the first place, has no idea how to reverse?

Why would you say to this wife who is standing there with a drill tangled dangerously close to your tailbone, “You didn’t just do what I think you just did, did you?”

Because chances are your wife did just do what you think she just did, and she really needs to know how to reverse, if only to explain to the coroner how you ended up face first on the floor with a drill in your ass.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave