Heater, Mother of Lance

Heavy Duty Home Improvement

Who knew that aiming a cordless 14.4 volt DeWalt drill at your husband’s ass might not be as funny as you thought it would be?

Me. I didn’t know.

I didn’t know that a quarter-inch drill bit could, with the slightest amount of mushing, cut a gaping hole through a pair of cargo pants and joe boxers.

I thought a drill only screwed things in, you know? Like, a drill only turns, turns, turns. It doesn’t rip, rip, rip. Why didn’t I know a drill rips, rips, rips?

Furthermore, why didn’t a certain someone tell me how to reverse the motion of a drill? Why would someone say to a wife, “Reverse! Reverse!” when the wife obviously, by demonstration of coming at you with the drill in the first place, has no idea how to reverse?

Why would you say to this wife who is standing there with a drill tangled dangerously close to your tailbone, “You didn’t just do what I think you just did, did you?”

Because chances are your wife did just do what you think she just did, and she really needs to know how to reverse, if only to explain to the coroner how you ended up face first on the floor with a drill in your ass.

28 Comments
  • blurbobuddy, jr.

    2002/09/23 at 8:43 am

    She’s not kidding. She stuck a drill in my ass and pulled the trigger.

  • Shoefly

    2002/09/23 at 8:50 am

    Just be thankful that you weren’t using the Heavy-Duty XRPô Dewalt Drill. 18volts and 450 in-lbs of maximum torque I tell you! What would it of meant?

    Certain disaster.

  • drew

    2002/09/23 at 8:52 am

    talk about getting screwed (yuk yuk) 😉

  • April Gem

    2002/09/23 at 9:00 am

    Ohhh… that’s just too ripe for dirty jokes and innuendos. [big ol’ evil grin]

  • Jen

    2002/09/23 at 9:48 am

    You’ve got a think for power drills don’t ya? lol

  • Kevin

    2002/09/23 at 10:07 am

    C’mon, what we all really want to know is if the drill bit got stuck like it does in Trading Spaces.

  • Lin.

    2002/09/23 at 10:14 am

    My dear father still keeps me away from his tools, even though I am now an adult.

  • ryan

    2002/09/23 at 10:48 am

    “the majority of all accidents take place in the home!” 😉

  • Kyle

    2002/09/23 at 10:56 am

    Damn. Good thing you weren’t feeling frisky enough to try tickling his balls with it.

  • deadking

    2002/09/23 at 11:20 am

    good thing you wasn’t working with a circular saw.

  • Marshall

    2002/09/23 at 12:35 pm

    Jon should just be happy that you don’t own one of these. Hammer? My ASS.

  • AEnigma

    2002/09/23 at 1:40 pm

    I don’t think you should be allowed near anything powered by electricity, gasoline, gunpowder, solar energy, geothermal energy, batteries, rodents or any other means for the next hundred years.

  • Dyanna

    2002/09/23 at 4:11 pm

    Dear god you crack me up! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂

  • paul

    2002/09/23 at 4:17 pm

    at least he wasn’t facing the other way, visectomies shouldn’t be performed at home…

  • wordboydan

    2002/09/23 at 5:26 pm

    looks like you shot the sheriff. i just hope you didn’t shoot his deputy.

  • shy

    2002/09/23 at 8:11 pm

    ahh… the honeymoon is still on i see. 😉

  • kusta

    2002/09/23 at 9:38 pm

    were you at least wearing safety glasses?

  • smark

    2002/09/23 at 10:11 pm

    MY GOD, woman; Ass drilling with a De Walt – how gauche! Anyone not born in a barn knows that the appropriate butt piercing ( in the northern hemisphere ) is achieved utilizing a 12 volt B & D for half the price and pretense. I’ll bet you wear white shoes after september.

  • Miguel

    2002/09/23 at 11:38 pm
  • spike

    2002/09/24 at 3:14 am

    nice choice of power tools. you know, home depot has classes on how to use them…

  • Igor

    2002/09/24 at 4:01 am

    I’m delighted you’re back !
    Congratulations on your new marital status 🙂
    I think you should try different drill bits in order to find out what their different effects on hubby’s anatomy are. Check the warranty first though !
    Have you considered tensile strength tests on him ? Or see how bullet proof he is by using a nail gun on him (be careful where you point that thing though, you might do permanent damage to your successful married life). If he really loves you he’ll allow you to use power tools on him. I mean, what else is married life for ?

  • ME

    2002/09/24 at 4:33 am

    Can DJ Blurb talk with a Cuban accent? If so, I see a spot for you two on ABC’s fall lineup.

    “Doooooce, I’m hoooome”

    Drilling. Asses. etc.

    Wackiness ensues!

  • David

    2002/09/24 at 7:25 am

    Good thing it wasn’t an impact drill!

    And I second April Gem’s thinks, though I too will hold my tongue.

  • Lisa

    2002/09/24 at 7:51 am

    Geesh! She’s making the rest of us women who know how to handle power tools look bad! You don’t go for the tailbone, honey. Go right for the cheek!

  • peggy

    2002/09/24 at 7:58 am

    You mean there’s a “reverse” on these things? Cool.

  • darian

    2002/09/24 at 9:24 am

    I’m so glad your back. Congrats on your marriage! Your pics were very pertry!

  • Boz

    2002/09/24 at 12:40 pm

    So the obvious question…did he like it in the ass?

  • UL

    2002/09/27 at 9:39 pm

    I just spewed.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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