the smell of my desperation has become a stench

I Am So Not Kidding About This

So there’s this dog in the neighborhood. And this dog is a pure bred adult male who still sports a rather large set of testicles.

This dog is named after the lead in a comedy series from the sixties, and I’d love tell you his name but the last time I talked about someone’s dog on this website an anonymous person emailed the owner of that dog and told her that she should come to this website and see what an evil person I am.

So let’s call this dog Beaver Cleaver. His name really isn’t Beaver Cleaver, but for purposes of this story, we should all call him Beaver Cleaver.

It’s important to note that we can’t refer to him as just Beaver, because the dog’s name is Beaver Cleaver. I have attempted to call the dog just Beaver on several occasions, and each time I was quickly scolded and corrected. The dog’s name is Beaver Cleaver.

As I mentioned above, Beaver Cleaver still owns his reproductive organs and consequently has developed all the bad habits of a mature male dog, including but not limited to compulsively humping every dog it happens to pass on the sidewalk.

My dog recently happened to be one of those innocent and unsuspecting dogs, and while I’m fully aware that most dogs like to hump now and then, you have to understand that I once witnessed Beaver Cleaver humping air. Empty air.

So while Beaver Cleaver was recently humping my dog, Beaver Cleaver’s owner sort of laughed, I think, with a snorting, pig-like grunt and said, “Beaver Cleaver, stop it. I don’t understand why he does that,” as if he were completely unaware of the gigantic sac dangling between Beaver Cleaver’s legs.

And you know, that’s fine, I don’t mind that Beaver Cleaver and his owner are in complete psychopathic denial. But just then, just as Beaver Cleaver’s owner gave that piggish snort, my husband mistakenly thought that our dog was making the noise, and explained to me, to Beaver Cleaver, to Beaver Cleaver’s owner (the one who snorted), “Snort snort snort. He’s snorting!”

Now, I know you’re thinking, hey, innocent mistake. Perhaps Beaver Cleaver’s owner sounded like my dog. And trust me, he did. The man snorted like a pig in heat. But a few minutes later while Beaver Cleaver was approaching climax somewhere over my dog’s face, Beaver Cleaver’s owner gave out another laughing snort, again wondering aloud, “I don’t know why he does that.”

And again, while I looked on in complete abject horror, my lovely, my wonderful, my extraordinarily dramatic husband wrinkled up his nose, made his body into an upright monster-pig, and snorted as if his life depended on creating the most life-like pig noise you’ve ever heard.

I think that it was during the fourth body-contorting snort that my husband realized, my God, the man made that noise, not our dog. The look I was giving him could only have confirmed his fears, because I was looking at him like, “Dude, I know I married you and all, but snort one more time and I think I might throw up.”

And then, well, then… it all happened in slow motion, you know. Or it seemed like it happened in slow motion. It was like that part in Making the Video where they’re filming the “club scene,” and the colors are all super-saturated, all yellow and orange and burning gold, and in what seems like four minutes of film the camara pans across two glistening women, slithering in rhythm, popping out of their hot pants. Except in this instance the two glistening women are two panting dogs, one ejaculating hot canine semen in a rainbow arc above the other dog’s head.

  • ME

    2002/09/24 at 11:21 am

    A missed money shot! Egad! I hope the Beav can go another round. If not, I’m sure they can fix it in post-production.

  • Jen

    2002/09/24 at 11:22 am

    Please, please, please tell me your joking.

  • dooce

    2002/09/24 at 11:30 am

    i am so not kidding about this.

  • Dyanna

    2002/09/24 at 11:31 am

    Oh. My. God. That is just so wrong!

  • Chad

    2002/09/24 at 11:43 am

    At least confirm the the offending fliud missed the honorable Senator’s head.

    I hope at least DJ Blurb pulled a Clint Eastwood and dove in front of the Senator to save him from harm…

  • Sarah B.

    2002/09/24 at 12:08 pm

    I am so not kidding when I say that I just laughed so hard, I snorted. For real.

  • the blurb

    2002/09/24 at 12:25 pm

    The former congressman was luckily spared a messy clean up. Husband’s tail also between legs.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/24 at 12:26 pm

    You slay me. You literally slay me. I’m dead now. My life has come to an end in a bizarre seizure of snorting and laughter. I’m dead now and it’s all your fault.

  • kusta

    2002/09/24 at 12:27 pm

    i believe i’ve never reacted so strongly to the word “hot” as when reading that last sentence. ahem. incidentally, was it as good for Chucklesworth?

  • Sarah B.

    2002/09/24 at 12:37 pm

    Okay, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m putting my money on Ralph Malph.

  • Ismat

    2002/09/24 at 12:55 pm

    I did not think it was physically possible for me to laugh that hard after a stream of shitty personal events. But you did it.

    And I’m with Sarah B. on this one, it’s Ralph Malph all the way.

  • Daniel Talsky

    2002/09/24 at 1:36 pm

    Omigod. Dooce is so back. I have been longing for a Dooce with comments forEVA.

  • ed f

    2002/09/24 at 1:43 pm

    wonderful story. chuckled loud enough for people to crane their necks over their monitors to see what i was chuckling about. GET BACK TO WORK, PEOPLE! (sometimes it pays to be the boss).

  • MVS

    2002/09/24 at 1:49 pm

    What a story. I was right there. Word for word. I don’t know if I wanted to be, but I was. Thanks for the biggest laugh I’ll have all day.

  • michel v

    2002/09/24 at 2:13 pm

    Errrr, if your dog is being randomly humped by another dog, shouldn’t you just take your dog away from the horny dog ? Especially if it’s mistaking your dog for a blow-up doll… 🙂

  • Jim Jones

    2002/09/24 at 2:24 pm

    that the sixties comedy series lead is Ricky Nelson.

  • dooce

    2002/09/24 at 2:28 pm

    Ralph Malph it isn’t. Ralph Malph would pass as ironic or emo or post-modern. This dog’s name, it’s just like, huh? And you were smoking how much crack when you decided it would be a good idea to do that to your dog, to name it *that* as if anyone would think, yeah that’s funny, i get it. well guess what, i don’t get it. it’s not funny and no dog, not even this one with the swollen testicular knobs, deserves to have this name.

  • Rickster

    2002/09/24 at 2:30 pm

    Uggh!! Sound like someone’s doggie needs some Saltpeter. And I’m going with Bruce Wayne for the name!!

  • Rickster

    2002/09/24 at 2:32 pm

    On second thought, how about Dick Grayson??

  • Ariel

    2002/09/24 at 2:58 pm

    Dooce, do you have a literary agent yet? Because, with the spewed beverage on my monitor as my witness, I swear you need one.

  • dm

    2002/09/24 at 4:27 pm

    that’s the *snort snort* funniest thing *snort* I’ve *snort* read in some *snort * time. Welcome back dooce, *snort* (i bet it’s darrin stevens)

  • zach

    2002/09/24 at 5:21 pm

    Fucking hilarious. I used to know a freind who lived across the street from a bloddhound who had elephantitus of the nuts – and I’m not kidding about this.

  • FDFF

    2002/09/24 at 5:24 pm


  • David

    2002/09/24 at 5:40 pm

    Thank goodness I work at home. Otherwise, my coworkers might have called 911 as I sat here convulsing with laughter.

  • colleen

    2002/09/24 at 6:28 pm

    oh my lawd! your poor dog! by the way, you need to post new pictures of said poor dog. poor dog!!

  • megchem

    2002/09/24 at 6:32 pm

    My freshman year in college my parents bought a dalmation (they already had one) and apparantly it had a humping problem. When i came home that summer i saw her(the dog) going at a porch couch cushion. So i said hey mom, what’s up with your dog. She glanced and replied “I don’t know what you’re talking about”….hhmmff…how’s that for denial.

  • Katrina

    2002/09/24 at 6:32 pm

    I’m so incredibly happy that you have returned!! My nights will no longer be so boring. I stumpled across your website last February right after my husband was recalled to Naval duty in the Persian Gulf for a whole freakin’ year. Reading your website made me amorous and laugh in bed – two actions previously only attributable to my “man in the sand” (as he likes to call himself). I was also relieved to find another heterosexual woman who is aware of beautiful women. By the way, where are the photographs? Anyway, I really do enjoy reading your prose and am glad to see you back at it!

  • April Gem

    2002/09/24 at 7:16 pm

    Canine porn. Good gawd. Next thing you know, Beaver Cleaver will be calling your dog his bitch.

  • peggy

    2002/09/24 at 7:17 pm

    If it’s Dick Van Dyke, Mr. Snortyface better not come around here, no sir. I’m just sayin’.

  • WebGirlie

    2002/09/24 at 7:38 pm

    Is it possible to go mentally blind due to mental images?

    I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, cringe, or grimace.

  • Fezboy!

    2002/09/24 at 8:12 pm

    My money is on arry-Lay ondello-May. *this way searches for [that name]+dog+money+shot don’t find this page*

  • Kelly

    2002/09/24 at 8:22 pm


    I’m putting my money on Mr. Ed.

  • Muraii

    2002/09/24 at 9:49 pm

    Two things:

    (1) Dobey Gillis.

    (2) So, I can’t remember what site had you linked, but I came here and read everyone’s comments and wondered what the hell the big deal was. I have found the big deal in the way that Charles Manson found his calling in life, in the way that Joan of Arc heard voices and knew their truth. I won’t say welcome back, because I was never here before, but I count my blessings (as an atheist / agnostic / lethargist) that you’ve got your groove on.

  • Paula

    2002/09/25 at 2:43 am

    So, but what did little Chuck think of all of this? My guess is that as we all grimace in shock and disgust, that he probably just went about his merry way as if this was normal. Dogs are good like that.

  • Kate

    2002/09/25 at 3:24 am

    Beaver Cleaver is the perfect name for an overendowed dog.

  • Jake

    2002/09/25 at 4:32 am

    Leave it to Beaver… I seriously hope its Dick Van Dyke. That would be sooo great.

  • drew

    2002/09/25 at 4:54 am

    sorry to be off topic, but i just read that bootylicious made it into the dictionary 🙂

    click my name for the story…

  • Lin

    2002/09/25 at 5:08 am

    Lawdy, lawdy. I hope your dog is not permanently traumatized. Well, and you too.

  • Cyn

    2002/09/25 at 6:18 am

    I’m guessing Gomer Pyle.
    I was really trying to snort quietly in my little cube. I’m glad you are back! Congrats on the married thing.

  • Amstershiresauce

    2002/09/25 at 6:36 am

    The Dooce is loose!
    Speaking of the former senator, when are you going to post some pics? I think his public has been waiting long enough for visuals.

  • Lex

    2002/09/25 at 6:40 am

    Lady, I don’t know who you are and I didn’t know your site even existed until a few days ago, but between this post and the one about the drill in the butt, I’ve decided you must be two of the 10 funniest people in America. Rock on.

  • Bill

    2002/09/25 at 6:57 am

    I think we know who the alpha male is in the Owner-Beav relationship. Ward? Ward? Snort, snort!

  • gnome-girl

    2002/09/25 at 7:27 am

    girl the past two days have been hell for me but after reading this I am thinking your poor dog has it a bit rougher than me right now 🙂 Rock ON girl you made me laugh so hard I cried and my co workers are now thoroughly convinced I have completely lost it!

  • Tammie

    2002/09/25 at 7:42 am

    Oh my gosh,that is hilarious !!

  • jen

    2002/09/25 at 8:43 am

    you should introduce mr. beaver cleaver to

    and they are also so not kidding

  • Rumbanik

    2002/09/25 at 8:51 am

    Wickedly funny.

    What did that snorting guy do in response to your husband snorting like him?

    This story reminds me of someone I knew, who spent the night at another friendís, who owned a small dog. Apparently the dog was one of those horny types as well. He said heíd passed out on the floor (partying that night), and in the morning felt something hot and wet splashing on his face. The dog was ejaculating hot canine semen in a rainbow arc on his face.

    Yay, morning money shot.

  • Michael

    2002/09/25 at 9:48 am

    I agree with Ariel on this one. Get an agent!

    Poor Chuckles, he probably just stood there in mock horror.

  • Chad2

    2002/09/25 at 10:14 am

    Oh my God, that is so — It’s Dobie Gillis, isn’t it?

  • Melissa

    2002/09/25 at 10:40 am

    I’m soooooo glad to see you’re back. Really. Everyt thought about writing a book?

  • Todd

    2002/09/25 at 12:45 pm

    Ay Caramba! Somebody tell that tool his dog’s name is so very unclever, his dog does that because it needs to get some, and godammit—- STOP SNORTING LIKE A PIG!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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