Heater, Mother of Lance


Only five posts into this version of the website and already I’m asking myself, I’m asking, hey, Heather, you know, will you write about anything other than your damn dog ever again?

Because I know that at some point, perhaps a point already past, people are going to start saying, hey, Heather, you know, they’ll say, I really don’t need to read another word about your damn dog.

But the thing is, you see, the thing is, I just now taught him how to shake hands like, he will now lift his paw and shake your hand. Seriously. It’s like magic or something.

And for a while, for like three days, I was thinking, my dog’s not ever going to learn how to shake hands. He’s looking at me like, “You want me to do what?” and his big brown eyes are all, “You’ve never made me work for a treat before, dude. Why are you doing this to me?”

And for three days it was the hardest thing I ever did, making him work for a treat, because seriously, he is like the most precious creature on the planet, and I’d like to see you try to refuse him anything.

So for three days I was torn between giving in and just handing him the damn treat and wondering, dude, is my dog stupid? Does my dog ride the short bus? What dumb dog doesn’t know how to shake?

I mean, just shake my hand and you get the treat, you know? How easy is that? Like this. See how easy that was? Shake. Just, you know, shake. My three-yr-old niece knows how to shake, for crying out loud, and she’s not even potty trained.

And just now, just now, three days after torturing myself and my dog, he like, looked at me then looked down at his paw then looked back up at me, raised his paw and I swear to God he said, “I’m only doing this because you’re being really pathetic, and I’m embarrassed for you.”

But, dude, he shook!

  • colleen

    2002/09/25 at 3:31 pm

    my dogs can give high fives. it’s really easy to teach, too. put a treat in your hand, grab the dog’s paw, tap the dog’s paw against your hand, then give the dog the treat. then, as the dog gets bored with this, start saying “high five!” as you do it. sooner or later, the dog will start to understand what you want. then, stop putting the treat in your hand and just put it up and say “high five!” then give the dog the treat. my younger dog actually learned how to do this by watching the older dog do it. maybe i just have freakishly smart dogs? maybe you could teach chuck to “give mad props” or something. POST PICTURES OF THE DOG.

  • Kyle

    2002/09/25 at 3:32 pm

    I think the dog stories are great. Maybe you should think about changing the name of your site tho .. doode.com comes to mind … 🙂

  • Paula

    2002/09/25 at 3:42 pm

    You can always post your doggie heart out on my petblog…remember my petblog? Hehehehe…Seriously, though, the dog stories are great. PICTURES, PLEASE.

  • pixelkitty

    2002/09/25 at 3:56 pm

    I wont get sick of hearing about your damn dog. Simply because I come here to read about your damn dog, your damn life, and your damn day.

    Its damned good.

  • Jen

    2002/09/25 at 4:08 pm

    I know this really cool dog, who when you point your fingers at her like you’re holding a gun, and yell BANG BANG, she falls to the ground and pretends she’s dead.

  • Me

    2002/09/25 at 4:28 pm

    You’ll stop talking about your dog alright…as soon as you have your first baby dooce and/or baby blurb

  • jimcuene

    2002/09/25 at 4:58 pm

    Dude, don’t lose the dog stories. I like the stories about dogs and I think, from what I know of the dog, that you are both swell. And that’s good.

  • DirtyJohn

    2002/09/25 at 5:07 pm

    what’s the proper pronunciation of Dooce.com? Is it “Dooch”, “Deuce” or, god forbid, pronounced like that certain women’s health product sold by Massengil. I’ve always pronounced it “Dooch” and I really hope that’s right.

  • ME

    2002/09/25 at 5:20 pm

    it’s pronounced “doo-kie”. If not, I feel like a fool for pronouncing it that way for the past year or so.

  • BoyKani

    2002/09/25 at 6:29 pm

    I don’t come here to read about your damn dog. I come here to read the damn comments.

  • deadking

    2002/09/25 at 6:30 pm

    what? im pretty sure its pronounced like DUECE

  • dooce

    2002/09/25 at 6:36 pm

    “deuce” with a soft ssss-like “c”

  • Sarah B.

    2002/09/25 at 6:50 pm

    My parents’ dog can shake and play soccer, but he’s afraid to go upstairs. Any stairs. Like, steps.

    I love Chuck.

  • Cory

    2002/09/25 at 7:31 pm

    Next time Beaver Cleaver comes around, I trust Chuck now has the wherewithal to not do business with anyone who doesn’t shake. Hands.

  • Keith

    2002/09/25 at 7:44 pm

    I’m taking care of my roommate’s pet turtle while he’s away on business. Since he gets to go to Bangkok and Tokyo and I get to sit here in L.A. and feed this stupid-ass thing that only swims around its tank and occasionally moves the rocks and crap in the tank, I gladly welcome any stories about any interactive pets. Reading about your dog is definitely more interesting than sitting and watching this damn turtle do nothing. Eventually, I may require the turtle to justify its existence in four-part essay form.

  • dclay

    2002/09/25 at 7:49 pm

    Welcome back. Sweet thing.

  • April Gem

    2002/09/25 at 8:24 pm

    The way you tell a story, I don’t really care whether you talk about your dog or your toe nail clippings. Though, really, I would rather not read any posts about toe nail clippings. As for loving your dog so much that you want to write about his every little move, I can totally understand. My cat is so cute and amusing with her 1-800-poster-child-please-feed-me and what-do-you-mean-I-missed-the-box-again expressions that I have to tie my hands to the chair arms to keep from writing about her. At least your dog is smart and handsome and oh-so-damn-sexy that Beaver Cleavers everywhere have to hump him or die of blue balls. Whereas my cat is so stupid, she asks for food even when her bowl is full.

  • smark

    2002/09/25 at 10:01 pm

    high fives are nice, Colleen, but a haiku would really be impressive.

  • ryan

    2002/09/25 at 10:16 pm

    It’s not what you write about, it how you write it! And you’ve got that part all figure out 😉

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 12:20 am

    I would like to see more bile and bitterness, please. I know marriage has made you all gaga and all (and bully for you), but surely something still pisses you off.

  • danny

    2002/09/26 at 12:48 am

    if you keep it funny, we’ll never get bored of hearing about your dog.

  • Igor

    2002/09/26 at 1:06 am

    I love the dog. Had one myself. I know the look they can give you. Devastating.
    Nothing quite as charming as that one particular smile from a woman who smiles because it’s you though. That kind of smile I’d go to war for.
    What I’m interested in right now is how to build a simple website like this.
    Not to tell you about my life though. I first have to get me one. I just would like to get something going. Something nice looking like this.
    Anyway, the Boston Bruins lost. Is there anymore reason to be depressed ?

  • ME

    2002/09/26 at 4:50 am

    “Deuce” with a soft ssss-like “c”?
    Oh smack! I feel like a fool now. It’s like singing the wrong lyrics to a song for years and finding out the actual lyrics when you have the closed captioning feature turned on the TV.

  • Cory

    2002/09/26 at 5:11 am

    Singing the wrong lyrics is commonly called a mondegreen, the most famous of which is, “Please excuse me while I kiss this guy.” Only slightly less well known is this, “Gin and Dooce.”

  • botany500

    2002/09/26 at 6:42 am

    I don’t mind the dog stories, but howzabout some photos? That was always my favorite part of the old site.

  • Chris

    2002/09/26 at 6:47 am

    No sweat on the dog stories. I wrote a browser plug-in that causes every occurence of the word “dog” to appear as “VP of Enabling His Fist Up Your Ass.”

  • Rengirl

    2002/09/26 at 7:45 am

    I love the dog stories – I love ANY Dooce stories, but I truly miss the sidebar fun with the “How to charm me” and “How to annoy me” and what have you. I also miss the Asian Database Admin stories.

    In any case, I’m thrilled your back and you can write whatever you want.

  • Sony Guts

    2002/09/26 at 8:13 am

    I second Rengirl. Please, dooce, how can I charm you?

    Me being annoying usually isn’t a challenge.

  • Aubrey

    2002/09/26 at 9:51 am

    You need to come and teach my cat to, how do I put this?, ‘cover up her stuff’. She is surely irritated by standing in a pile of her own mess yet in her feeble attemps to cover it up, only scratches the plastic litterbox cover as if to say “See? I tried.” My floundering income — a result of excessive cat litter purchases — and I would be most grateful.

  • April Gem loudly but clearly

    2002/09/26 at 10:58 am

    Ahhh… so I’m not the only one with cat poop problems, and I have Dooce [which I’ve been pronouncing correctly, thank you] to thank.

  • jimmypage

    2002/09/26 at 1:47 pm

    it doesnt matter what the story is about… i just love the way you write, dooce. your husband is one luck mofo – not cuz of the way you write, but because of the way you think. tell his sweaty ass i said, “ssssszup”.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 1:55 pm

    We used to know each other a long time ago, Dooce. You should send me an email.

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 2:15 pm

    i don’t recall a Sour Bob from my past. i knew several Sour Matts, but no Sour Bobs.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 2:21 pm

    My name isn’t really Bob. But you and Mrs. Halford would remember me.

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 2:50 pm

    ok, Sour Bob, now you’re freaking me out. if there’s one name you could have pulled out of my past to send me running to my therapist, it would be Mrs. Halford. i’m going to go to a corner and cry now.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 2:54 pm

    Awww, for chrissakes, Dooce. How about this: there was only one long-haired troublemaker in your AP English class. And if you send him an email at sourbob -at- twinkie.com, he’d like to congratulate you on your wedding.

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 2:56 pm

    how do I know you’re not just Mrs. Halford masquerading as a bitter, insufferable, narcissistic, divorce-obsessed jackass named Sour Bob? i’m not falling for this.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 2:59 pm

    Fine, fine. You busted me. I’m secretly your senior english teacher and am not at all the hyperactive playwright from your senior class. Where’s that essay on Madame Bovary, goddamnit?

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 3:06 pm

    you do realize that this is what every blogger fears, that someone who knew them in high school — that period of time you’ve spent the last 10 years trying to forget, that period of time that keeps coming up in technicolor nightmares, night after night after night — finds their website and reminds them that they will never overcome the terrible memory of what a dramatic, terribly over-sensitive, whiny, skinny, Dan Quayle-loving, zealously Mormon cocksmack they once were.

  • The Inmate

    2002/09/26 at 3:07 pm

    I just wanted to join the (undoubtedly) millions that exhaled collectively in relief upon finding new content at dooce.com. I found this site the day I lost my job several months ago. It brought laughter and a feeling of hope when I needed them most.
    You’re just too good to keep quiet. Please do go on.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 3:07 pm

    FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, edit my name out of that, Hamilton.

  • The Inmate

    2002/09/26 at 3:10 pm

    Dan Quayle-loving?
    Oh, the horror.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 3:13 pm

    And don’t forget how mucb you liked Ayn Rand, you big cocksmack.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 3:31 pm

    You know, I really wasn’t going to make fun of you. I just wanted to say hi, congrats on the wedding, and cheers to you for turning out so well. So there you go.

    Thanks for blowing my anonymous status on the web, though.

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 3:34 pm

    is that better?

  • Sour Bob

    2002/09/26 at 3:43 pm

    YES. Thank you. Anyway, drop me a line. We should catch up sometime. Saxon ssays hello.

  • The Inmate

    2002/09/26 at 3:44 pm

    I know Bob’s name! I know Bob’s name!
    On second thought, I see absolutely no way I could benefit from that information. So much for that power theory.
    By the way Dooce, how about a cookie that inputs my name and website so I don’t have to type it in all the time? Come on, I’m lazy. You have to relate to this.

  • dooce

    2002/09/26 at 3:51 pm

    no cookie for you.

  • The Inmate

    2002/09/26 at 3:58 pm

    So you’re being a little cookie Nazi now, aren’t you?

    I think you may be losing your external alignment to your customer.

    Someone stop me now.

  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/09/26 at 3:59 pm

    Hey. Discovered the wonder of dooce.com during your hiatus and only just now found that you’re back at it. I’m glad to see it. Yr archives have made me laugh many many times; looking forward to what happens next.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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