Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Penisary Contact With the Volvo

Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.” Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And Holly Berries” from The Osmond Family Christmas.

But the Osmonds have nothing to do with today’s post either, although who wouldn’t love a hot expletive-laden Osmond blog entry?

I’m going to have “hot expletive-laden Osmond” stuck in my head all day.

Today’s post is about my friend Kathy and how it came to pass that I, Dooce, am driving this car in this exact color:

I’ve written things on this website before, things that have really gotten me into lots of trouble with real people in my life, as opposed to internet people in my life. Like, friends have read things here and been reality-mad at me, not just internet-mad at me, and I’m here to testify that reality-mad is a lot worse than internet-mad.

Reality-mad can cost you your job, for instance, or cause your father to refer to you as “a vile and disgusting creature.”

And even though I know these things, that this website had caused oodles of reality-madness, that people I know in reality know about this website and read it and wait for the moment that they recognize themselves in a character on this page, that they have said to me with pained trepidation, Heather, please, for the love of God, don’t write about this on your website-thing, I have to comment on this. God wants me to comment on this.

And as I’m sitting here writing this I realize that I can’t comment on this and that maybe the reason I’ve got all this “penisary contact with the volvo” jibberish in my head is because my body is going into automatic self-preservation mode because it knows that the last thing I need right now is more reality-madness.

What do you have stuck in your head?

  • and i just realized that in my head i’ve been saying ìbukkakeî like ìbu-kottke.î

  • Girl, you need to find a hobby. You think too much about thinking about thinking about things.

  • .org?

  • ex southern babtist

    Reality mad isn’t a nice place to go…neither was my flu shot..ouch

  • Naz

    Oh lord. Bukkake. At an old place of work, I remember a co-worker replaying over the network a clip, that was exactly Bukkake Asian Facial.

    Another thought: with enough mention of bukkake, perhaps your site will come up in google when searched for bukkake.

    Lordy.

  • Dooce you got yerself a real banana-boat there!

  • Brooke

    Oh my god. I just heard that phrase “penisary contact” last night and I can’t remember where…the Sopranos? FM nation?

  • Yuko the Clown tea-bagging Artie.

  • is that like the singer, leon bu-kotke?

    oops. referenced myself into a corner again.

    hey, H, don’t worry about it. i talk about CLIENTS on my webpage – and i have ANGRY clients. not just reality-mad, but like “i’m going to blackball you from the industry you prick” mad. that was a fun conversation.

  • Brooke, it was The Sopranos. I laughed out loud at that line.

  • Next you’ll be talking about tossing salads and fisting!

    Ooo, I do love a tossed salad ever so much!

  • rd

    CSN’s song “Cathedral.”

    I like that car, in that color.

  • Wow, you are going to get tons of odd Google referrals to your site… I mostly get songs and the odd things people do on public transit stuck in my head.

  • So, good, you didn’t get all caught up in that California traffic thing yesterday – although with that car, I’m sure it’s that no one will miss you comin’ around a corner. I had to look up penisary on dictionary.com, which of course turned up nothing. So I went to google, which also led to nothing. So I’m left with my imagination, and now that I’ve written the word several times, I’m thinking my best guest would probably be right. I mean, you can only start a word with “penis” so many times before you start to get it. I mean, not that I’m getting penis, although I’d like to. Well, you know, this would be a good exiting point…

  • My curse is the following: “There are no cats in America/and the streets are paved with cheese.” It’s on an endless loop, and is often accompanied by thoughts of whether mice are allergic to cheese, or if that is a myth.

  • wow.

    i’ve had the word glitterati in my head for weeks.

    weeks.

  • MRK

    The song — and the video — that takes over your life. Before you die, you see the squirrel.

    http://www.shynola.com/j_s/j_s_download.htm

  • Glen

    I have 2 thoughts.”Penisary” reminds me of the Celebrity Jeopardy skit on SNL about the “Penis Mightier/Pen Is Mightier”You said the post was about Kathy and why you are driving that yellow car. But it’s not. You tease.

  • “Politely rapacious” – a phrase from David Schmader’s one man play Straight.

  • I’m not sure if his heart’s in the right place, but I know where his head is.

  • I have also had “bukkake” in my head since jason was muttering about it. I even used it last night as an expletive when I dropped a dish. ie.”bukkake! I broke it!”

  • I’ve made up my own story about the yellow Mazda. In my version, Shannon Elizabeth emerges from an SUV on the street and asks if someone can take a picture of her (naked, of course) in a sink sitting the hatch. YES!

  • Hmmm. How could she be mad about driving such a fine piece of Japanese engineering? A rental? Kathy wreck your car? Or get you drunk and make you buy a yellow Mazda?

  • xwg

    Dammit all to hell….I only wanted one new word a day now i got to look up penisary also. Sheeesh I know its not going to be a word i want to know.

  • In no particualr order: “Victoria” by Old 97’s, my favorite old 3/4 sleeve Rush shirt, my college friends Harry, Kel, Patrick, Mike and Lis.

    Thanks for asking.

  • It’s Peanut butter jelly time always gets stuck in my head. see what I mean

  • RYAN

    Song: “I speak in monotone, leave my fuckin’ life alone…as we go up, we go down.” GbV

  • HEATHER K. IS RIGHT, THAT PEANUT BUTTER JELLY THING IS DAMN CATCHY…

  • The “Everybody” song sticks with me. See for yourself: http://www.HOMESTARRUNNER.COM

  • ingrid is going into hiding.

  • Jason started it, but J can help you with the pronunciation of bukkake (note: not “butt-cake).

  • What do I have stuck in my head? Big green donkey dicks. For instance, reality-madness, rather than internet-madness, sucks big green donkey dicks… don’t you think?

  • well, after reading this, i have images of bukkake facials in my head.

  • I have “Vermisious knid” in my head from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

    I’ve always wanted to meet one.

  • That peanut butter jelly time banana scared the crap outta me.

  • Dirty, dirty things. But what’s new, really?

  • “What are you putting garbage in there? That’s where you staple your cylinders.” Just a friend making fun of the garbage can picture at Wendy’s. Can’t get it out of my head or stop giggling.

  • keep feelin’ fascination….

    i know.
    you hate me.

  • bucci

    OK, so, what happened was you were going to tell us about the car, and then you realized you couldn’t because it would make Kathy reality-mad? You have to spill the beans. The beans must be free!

  • Michele

    Also from homestarrunner.com
    “today’s forecast is total crap” in strongbad’s voice, of course. Then there are these annoying combo words my husband and his college buddies made up like “ass-gina” (ass+vagina) and “penis nipples” Guess that’s how they spent their free time….inventing words that get stuck in my impressionable head.

  • Bukkake…I can’t help but wonder how such a depraved bunch ever got to nearly rule the world. Let’s not even go into anime…
    The All-American Golden Shower pales by comparison.

  • J

    I was watching CNN, and going into a commercial, the anchor said, “Stay tuned from some frightening footage from Japan.” And I perk my head up, and I think one thing.

    Bukkake.

    But no, it was just some retarded ass hot air ballooning accident.

    Close, but no humiliating semen bath.

  • I see your bukkake and I raise you one dirty sanchez, one hot carl, one snowball, one donkey punch, one mummy club, one felch, and one earning your red wings. Extra credit for earning your white or blue wings.

  • Shiksa and busk. As in, “The shiksa busks her ass off and heads home.”

  • Everything you’ve always wanted to know about sex, but wish you hadn’t found out:
    Goes A thru Z

  • i’ve got a song off the new tori amos record going through my head, although i don’t know which one because i haven’t had it long enough to memorize all the songs and their titles yet.

    yet.

  • Thanks to a news story my magazine’s been dealing with for most of this afternoon about a company called Big City, I’ve had the Scorpions’ song “Big City Nights” running through my head since around 4PM. Someone please kill me now.

  • Oh yeah. And the lyrics to the German version of Nena’s “99 Luftballons” as well.

  • the word ‘french’ as a universal adjective to describe anything and everything. ie: “what’s up, french? yer so french. quit frenchin’ around!”

  • I can’t stop saying the words “basal ganglion” over and over and over and…