the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Penisary Contact With the Volvo

Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.” Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And Holly Berries” from The Osmond Family Christmas.

But the Osmonds have nothing to do with today’s post either, although who wouldn’t love a hot expletive-laden Osmond blog entry?

I’m going to have “hot expletive-laden Osmond” stuck in my head all day.

Today’s post is about my friend Kathy and how it came to pass that I, Dooce, am driving this car in this exact color:

I’ve written things on this website before, things that have really gotten me into lots of trouble with real people in my life, as opposed to internet people in my life. Like, friends have read things here and been reality-mad at me, not just internet-mad at me, and I’m here to testify that reality-mad is a lot worse than internet-mad.

Reality-mad can cost you your job, for instance, or cause your father to refer to you as “a vile and disgusting creature.”

And even though I know these things, that this website had caused oodles of reality-madness, that people I know in reality know about this website and read it and wait for the moment that they recognize themselves in a character on this page, that they have said to me with pained trepidation, Heather, please, for the love of God, don’t write about this on your website-thing, I have to comment on this. God wants me to comment on this.

And as I’m sitting here writing this I realize that I can’t comment on this and that maybe the reason I’ve got all this “penisary contact with the volvo” jibberish in my head is because my body is going into automatic self-preservation mode because it knows that the last thing I need right now is more reality-madness.

What do you have stuck in your head?

  • dooce

    2002/11/04 at 7:24 am

    and i just realized that in my head i’ve been saying ìbukkakeî like ìbu-kottke.î

  • Chuck Cheeze

    2002/11/04 at 7:27 am

    Girl, you need to find a hobby. You think too much about thinking about thinking about things.

  • the husband

    2002/11/04 at 7:28 am


  • ex southern babtist

    2002/11/04 at 7:50 am

    Reality mad isn’t a nice place to go…neither was my flu shot..ouch

  • Naz

    2002/11/04 at 7:51 am

    Oh lord. Bukkake. At an old place of work, I remember a co-worker replaying over the network a clip, that was exactly Bukkake Asian Facial.

    Another thought: with enough mention of bukkake, perhaps your site will come up in google when searched for bukkake.


  • ryan

    2002/11/04 at 7:56 am

    Dooce you got yerself a real banana-boat there!

  • Brooke

    2002/11/04 at 8:09 am

    Oh my god. I just heard that phrase “penisary contact” last night and I can’t remember where…the Sopranos? FM nation?

  • Michelle

    2002/11/04 at 8:10 am

    Yuko the Clown tea-bagging Artie.

  • the propagandist

    2002/11/04 at 8:14 am

    is that like the singer, leon bu-kotke?

    oops. referenced myself into a corner again.

    hey, H, don’t worry about it. i talk about CLIENTS on my webpage – and i have ANGRY clients. not just reality-mad, but like “i’m going to blackball you from the industry you prick” mad. that was a fun conversation.

  • Ariel

    2002/11/04 at 8:21 am

    Brooke, it was The Sopranos. I laughed out loud at that line.

  • Jason Bukkake

    2002/11/04 at 8:24 am

    Next you’ll be talking about tossing salads and fisting!

    Ooo, I do love a tossed salad ever so much!

  • rd

    2002/11/04 at 8:31 am

    CSN’s song “Cathedral.”

    I like that car, in that color.

  • Naaman

    2002/11/04 at 8:31 am

    Wow, you are going to get tons of odd Google referrals to your site… I mostly get songs and the odd things people do on public transit stuck in my head.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/04 at 8:37 am

    So, good, you didn’t get all caught up in that California traffic thing yesterday – although with that car, I’m sure it’s that no one will miss you comin’ around a corner. I had to look up penisary on, which of course turned up nothing. So I went to google, which also led to nothing. So I’m left with my imagination, and now that I’ve written the word several times, I’m thinking my best guest would probably be right. I mean, you can only start a word with “penis” so many times before you start to get it. I mean, not that I’m getting penis, although I’d like to. Well, you know, this would be a good exiting point…

  • nita

    2002/11/04 at 8:53 am

    My curse is the following: “There are no cats in America/and the streets are paved with cheese.” It’s on an endless loop, and is often accompanied by thoughts of whether mice are allergic to cheese, or if that is a myth.

  • helenjane

    2002/11/04 at 9:08 am


    i’ve had the word glitterati in my head for weeks.


  • MRK

    2002/11/04 at 9:16 am

    The song — and the video — that takes over your life. Before you die, you see the squirrel.

  • Glen

    2002/11/04 at 9:25 am

    I have 2 thoughts.”Penisary” reminds me of the Celebrity Jeopardy skit on SNL about the “Penis Mightier/Pen Is Mightier”You said the post was about Kathy and why you are driving that yellow car. But it’s not. You tease.

  • Corianton

    2002/11/04 at 9:28 am

    “Politely rapacious” – a phrase from David Schmader’s one man play Straight.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/04 at 9:47 am

    I’m not sure if his heart’s in the right place, but I know where his head is.

  • jennifer

    2002/11/04 at 9:57 am

    I have also had “bukkake” in my head since jason was muttering about it. I even used it last night as an expletive when I dropped a dish. ie.”bukkake! I broke it!”

  • dennis

    2002/11/04 at 10:26 am

    I’ve made up my own story about the yellow Mazda. In my version, Shannon Elizabeth emerges from an SUV on the street and asks if someone can take a picture of her (naked, of course) in a sink sitting the hatch. YES!

  • dclay

    2002/11/04 at 10:33 am

    Hmmm. How could she be mad about driving such a fine piece of Japanese engineering? A rental? Kathy wreck your car? Or get you drunk and make you buy a yellow Mazda?

  • xwg

    2002/11/04 at 10:36 am

    Dammit all to hell….I only wanted one new word a day now i got to look up penisary also. Sheeesh I know its not going to be a word i want to know.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/11/04 at 10:53 am

    In no particualr order: “Victoria” by Old 97’s, my favorite old 3/4 sleeve Rush shirt, my college friends Harry, Kel, Patrick, Mike and Lis.

    Thanks for asking.

  • Heather K.

    2002/11/04 at 10:56 am

    It’s Peanut butter jelly time always gets stuck in my head. see what I mean

  • RYAN

    2002/11/04 at 11:17 am

    Song: “I speak in monotone, leave my fuckin’ life alone…as we go up, we go down.” GbV


    2002/11/04 at 11:18 am



    2002/11/04 at 11:20 am

    The “Everybody” song sticks with me. See for yourself: http://www.HOMESTARRUNNER.COM

  • eggbert

    2002/11/04 at 11:25 am

    ingrid is going into hiding.

  • ismat

    2002/11/04 at 11:31 am

    Jason started it, but J can help you with the pronunciation of bukkake (note: not “butt-cake).

  • April

    2002/11/04 at 11:45 am

    What do I have stuck in my head? Big green donkey dicks. For instance, reality-madness, rather than internet-madness, sucks big green donkey dicks… don’t you think?

  • Anna

    2002/11/04 at 11:57 am

    well, after reading this, i have images of bukkake facials in my head.

  • slackjaw

    2002/11/04 at 12:38 pm

    I have “Vermisious knid” in my head from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

    I’ve always wanted to meet one.

  • Naaman

    2002/11/04 at 12:56 pm

    That peanut butter jelly time banana scared the crap outta me.

  • Katie

    2002/11/04 at 1:23 pm

    Dirty, dirty things. But what’s new, really?

  • Clark

    2002/11/04 at 1:27 pm

    “What are you putting garbage in there? That’s where you staple your cylinders.” Just a friend making fun of the garbage can picture at Wendy’s. Can’t get it out of my head or stop giggling.

  • julia

    2002/11/04 at 1:28 pm

    keep feelin’ fascination….

    i know.
    you hate me.

  • bucci

    2002/11/04 at 2:52 pm

    OK, so, what happened was you were going to tell us about the car, and then you realized you couldn’t because it would make Kathy reality-mad? You have to spill the beans. The beans must be free!

  • Michele

    2002/11/04 at 3:48 pm

    Also from
    “today’s forecast is total crap” in strongbad’s voice, of course. Then there are these annoying combo words my husband and his college buddies made up like “ass-gina” (ass+vagina) and “penis nipples” Guess that’s how they spent their free time….inventing words that get stuck in my impressionable head.

  • The Inmate

    2002/11/04 at 4:17 pm

    Bukkake…I can’t help but wonder how such a depraved bunch ever got to nearly rule the world. Let’s not even go into anime…
    The All-American Golden Shower pales by comparison.

  • J

    2002/11/04 at 4:19 pm

    I was watching CNN, and going into a commercial, the anchor said, “Stay tuned from some frightening footage from Japan.” And I perk my head up, and I think one thing.


    But no, it was just some retarded ass hot air ballooning accident.

    Close, but no humiliating semen bath.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/11/04 at 6:00 pm

    I see your bukkake and I raise you one dirty sanchez, one hot carl, one snowball, one donkey punch, one mummy club, one felch, and one earning your red wings. Extra credit for earning your white or blue wings.

  • Aarika

    2002/11/04 at 6:28 pm

    Shiksa and busk. As in, “The shiksa busks her ass off and heads home.”

  • The Inmate

    2002/11/04 at 6:34 pm

    Everything you’ve always wanted to know about sex, but wish you hadn’t found out:
    Goes A thru Z

  • melanie

    2002/11/04 at 8:17 pm

    i’ve got a song off the new tori amos record going through my head, although i don’t know which one because i haven’t had it long enough to memorize all the songs and their titles yet.


  • Keith

    2002/11/04 at 8:18 pm

    Thanks to a news story my magazine’s been dealing with for most of this afternoon about a company called Big City, I’ve had the Scorpions’ song “Big City Nights” running through my head since around 4PM. Someone please kill me now.

  • Keith

    2002/11/04 at 8:21 pm

    Oh yeah. And the lyrics to the German version of Nena’s “99 Luftballons” as well.

  • edmund b

    2002/11/04 at 10:28 pm

    the word ‘french’ as a universal adjective to describe anything and everything. ie: “what’s up, french? yer so french. quit frenchin’ around!”

  • Alex

    2002/11/05 at 3:32 am

    I can’t stop saying the words “basal ganglion” over and over and over and…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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