the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Oh, Lordy

When Jon and I first started dating we made each other promise that 1) we’d never go back to the Mormon church and 2) we’d never live in Utah again. It’s safe to say that if you don’t do one of these things, you won’t likely do the other one. Mormons are Utah. Utah is Mormons.

Three months into this marriage and we’re already breaking one of our solemn promises: Jon and I are moving back to Utah.

The Lord can’t be happy with us.

So, Lord, I present to you the following reasons why Jon and Heather need to move back to Utah:

– Heather wants to have a baby and if there ever were a place on earth where people know how to have babies that place would be colonized by Mormons.
– Chuck needs a backyard and the average price of a backyard in Los Angeles is $480,000.
– Jon and I are down to our last couple dollars and a gallon of milk in Utah costs less than a couple dollars.
– My mother, the Avon World Sales Leader, lives in Utah and can give us free shampoo.
– They have weather in Utah.
– My sister’s hair lives in Utah.

We’re not sure exactly when this move will take place, only that it has to take place within the next 30 to 60 days. Which means I get 30 to 60 days to squeeze every last ounce of sin from the luscious limbs of Los Angeles.

First on our to-do list is renting a U-haul and stocking it to the ceiling with coffee and shlitz malt liquor.

Second, you need to talk me out of this.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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