An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Oh, Lordy

When Jon and I first started dating we made each other promise that 1) we’d never go back to the Mormon church and 2) we’d never live in Utah again. It’s safe to say that if you don’t do one of these things, you won’t likely do the other one. Mormons are Utah. Utah is Mormons.

Three months into this marriage and we’re already breaking one of our solemn promises: Jon and I are moving back to Utah.

The Lord can’t be happy with us.

So, Lord, I present to you the following reasons why Jon and Heather need to move back to Utah:

– Heather wants to have a baby and if there ever were a place on earth where people know how to have babies that place would be colonized by Mormons.
– Chuck needs a backyard and the average price of a backyard in Los Angeles is $480,000.
– Jon and I are down to our last couple dollars and a gallon of milk in Utah costs less than a couple dollars.
– My mother, the Avon World Sales Leader, lives in Utah and can give us free shampoo.
– They have weather in Utah.
– My sister’s hair lives in Utah.

We’re not sure exactly when this move will take place, only that it has to take place within the next 30 to 60 days. Which means I get 30 to 60 days to squeeze every last ounce of sin from the luscious limbs of Los Angeles.

First on our to-do list is renting a U-haul and stocking it to the ceiling with coffee and shlitz malt liquor.

Second, you need to talk me out of this.

  • Randy Newman

    From the South Bay to the Valley
    From the West Side to the East Side
    Everybody’s very happy
    ‘Cause the sun is shining all the time
    Looks like another perfect day

    I love L.A. (We love it)
    I love L.A. (We love it)


    Land of the mountains high,
    Utah, we love thee!
    Land of the sunny sky,
    Utah, we love thee!
    Far in the glorious west,
    Throned on the mountain’s crest,
    In robes of statehood dressed,
    Utah, we love thee

  • Grew up in L.A., moved away ten years ago, haven’t thought about it since. Escape while you still can.

  • i also grew up in l.a., burbank to be exact, but moved to wisconsin in ’95. i don’t miss it at all except for in&out burgers. my wife and i now own a farm house with a few barns on 5 acres (265,000 square feet) for 1/4 of that average backyard price. no joke.

    get out while you can.

  • pray that you don’t get the job in boulder. boulder is L A M E. take it from one who moved here from austin. *sobs*

  • Well, if this isn’t collective unconsciousness at work. Next week on FM Nation, they’re going to Salt Lake City, Utah!!!!

  • Sara

    I would like to point out that New Mexico is cheaper than Utah (someone mentioned a two-bedroom apartment for 425? you can get a fairly nice two-bedroom here for that [in big cities] or around 300 [in smaller cities and suburbs]), much less religious-conservative-Mormon than Utah, and has excellent OB-GYNs due to its high rate of teenage pregnancy.


    Not that you should go to New Mexico, Dooce, but don’t look at Utah as your only option. I know too many people who went crazy in Utah — almost as many as went crazy in LA. 😉

  • What about moving home? Isn’t it Tennessee? Lord knows livin’ is cheap in the deep South, especially if you can “skin a buck” and “run a trot line”.

  • Madison, Wisconsin.
    Cheaper cost of living, cool people, yet small town feel.
    Good restaurants. Perfect distance from Chicago.
    The skiing’s not as good as Utah by far, but you would stand a better chance of surrounding yourselves with like minded cool-ass folk like yourselves.

  • rd

    I live in a state that yesterday elected a Mormon Governor. Never in my WILDEST dreams would I have thought this could happen in New England. But it did. So, frankly, I can’t talk you out of it because I’m still trying to comprehend yesterday’s election results.

  • scp

    Love the website, and as far as towns go would say Fort Collins, CO. One of the best smaller cities in the country, not as close as Boulder is to the skiing, but it doesn’t suck like Boulder either.

  • I just moved to eagle mountain from Louisville, KY. Beautiful and isolated. 45 minutes from Salt Lake. has good listings.

    “I think people tend to either be swayed by the church or reactionary to it–either way it’s influencing you.” –this sounds very true.

  • Another ExMo

    Oh dear. I don’t think I could do that, myself, and yet I’m very sympathetic to the, um, fiscal realities mentioned. How anyone affords to live in L.A. is beyond me. That said, there are 48 other states in the union that are neither colonized by Mormons, nor prohibitively expensive in which to live.

    My mom, a TBM, considered moving back to Utah a couple of years ago. Two things dissuaded her: (1) though devoutly Mormon, there’s just something about a whole state full of “her people” that has always put her off (she grew up there and got out as soon as she could), and (2) though housing prices sure do beat, say, most of California’s, the salaries in Utah were also well below national averages for her field. So yeah, she’d pay less for a house, but she’d have been making much less as well.

    What can I say? I guess do your research and see what you think. But I ain’t gonna tell you to PRAY about it. 🙂

  • Heather, Heather, Heather! What are you doing? After all we have talked about, you are going to be moving back into slavery, I sympathize for you and Jon. On a lighter night, we will get to see more pics of your sister’s hair. Email me.


  • My husband and I recently had to flee San Francisco and the insane cost of living there for the same reasons…I wanted a yard for my puppy and we want to have a kid eventually and those were not options in the bay area. Especially after enduring three dot com layoffs. My husband was talking about Utah for a while and I strongly resisted…I vowed to never go back. Now we live in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is cheap ($150,000 for a cute house) and no state tax! It’s not my favorite place to live (I desperatly miss SF) but hey…it beats Utah! Just something to think about.

  • Hi, me again. I just thought of some more reasons to consider Vegas. Lots of celebs come here so one can still have celebrity sightings. Also…no snow! One would not have to get special tires or wake up early to scrape off one’s car windows and run the heat. Also…Vegas is 5.5 hours from Salt Lake and 4 hours from LA. Keep driving north and you can ski and camp…keep driving south and you can surf and shop! Yes, Vegas can be miserable in the summer but overall, it’s a decent place to live and it’s not halfway across the country like some of these people are suggesting. Did I already mention how cheap it is and that it’s one of the fastest growing cities in the US?

  • Utah is beautiful… think of all those lovely photo opportunities.

  • I, too, am an x-mormon byu survivor who rocketed off to boston in order to escape mad mormoninity. Oddly enough, after a few years I began to miss the cheap rent, great Taco Bell service, tight knit alternative sub (VERY sub)culture & nearby canyons of Southern Utah. Every 2 weeks I consider moving back … So, I look forward to your Utah blogs, just to feed my nostalgia.

  • Have you read the post about Giovanni Ribisi?
    s*&t like that doesn’t happen in Utah, oh no.

  • Bob Redford

    Oh yeah? Spend an hour in Park City in January.

  • I don’t care where you decide to live, as long as you promise to write all about it.

  • do they even have the internet in utah?!?

  • Hey, if you move to Utah, maybe you can catch some Olympic Bobsledding at Salt Lake! Whoo!……what? The Olympics are over? You mean they don’t have them every year in the same place? Stay in LA, Dooce….or invent a time machine.

  • tornligament


  • Well, you know, not even from the US orginally, but love Utah and your site here. But then again, i am one of those “brainwashed mormons” so what do I know? Good luck with the baby thing. We are doing that ourselves.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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