An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

What’s Grosser than Gross?

Please indulge me this juvenile activity. I’m counting on you people to come up with something so sick and diseased that I can’t help but think that the sickness I feel right now is in some way a blessing. I’ll start with a couple of my favorites, the ones I used to repeat over and over at the back of the bus on the way to 7th grade:

Two Siamese twins stuck together by the mouth and one throws up.

Sticking a toothpick underneath your toenail and kicking a wall.

  • Take Vise GripsÆ and lock them onto various teeth/gum areas (best if used on front teeth) and then pull down hard.

  • Good gawd. I think i’m going to faint again. And I thought the bikini wax description was bad.

  • Oops. Sorry. Here’s my contribution: papercut on your eyeball, and someone filled the Visine bottle with lemon juice.

  • The trout sauce dripping out of the drain hole at the bottom of a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant in New York City on August 31st, after a six-week garbage strike.

  • Jen

    scrotal botfly infestation

  • am I really being this sick?

    a truckload of dead babies, with a live one at the bottom eating her way up.

  • Leah

    Going to a punk rock show and getting your finger bitten by the out-of-control frontman, who didn’t realize that while he tried to take your plastic cup out of your hand, he took your left pointer fingertip with it. (I’m typing with my normally unused right hand, forgive mistakes)

  • Throwing your underwear against a wall and have it slowly slide dowwwwwn.

  • My favorite was always ‘sliding down a razor blade into pool of alcohol.’
    But the tooth/Vise grips one is fucking sick, man.

  • Simultaneous gall stones and kidney stones. Based on a true story.

  • Sulfuric Acid Urethra Enema

  • anna

    drinking a mason jar of semen collected during daily masturbation over the period of three months by a 400 pound man who eats a lot of garlic and asparagus.

    (not sure why the 400 pound part makes it more gross – it just does)

  • anna

    – eating a booger ball.
    – gnawing the penis of a small dog.
    – getting locked naked in an industrial size dryer set on 40 minutes at the highest temperature.
    – having your eyelids cut off and then being buried up to your neck in a giant red ant hill and having someone pour honey on your head.

  • don’t stop now, anna, you’re on a roll!

  • inserting a glass catheter in your (well, maybe not *your*) penis, then hitting it with a hammer.

  • Classic: Jumping off the Empire State Building and landing rightly on a tricycle. With no seat.

  • JC

    inhaling hot wax into your nasal cavities, letting it dry, then yanking it out. (ok – maybe that’s not grosser than gross, but it would definitely hurt like hell!)

  • anna

    these aren’t mine but anyway:

    eating corn flakes and then your little brother telling you that he can’t find his scab collection. kissing grandpa goodnight and he slips you the tounge.

  • JC

    or how about this – a friend of mine was an intern in a hospital and told me about a hooker who came in with a bad case of genital warts and herpes – around her colostomy hole!

  • JC

    that grandpa one inspired this: sitting on santa’s lap and discovering the north pole

  • Rickster

    Being Paralyzed and aware, but not really dead…..and then having an autopsy done on you (That was on some bizzare Twilight zone or something) Sliding off of a bicycle, hitting a guardrail with your leg, watching it bend in half mid-shin, and then seeing the bone through the blood (actual experience….uugh…it hurts thinking about it)

  • Jumping out a third floor window onto a bicycle with no seat?

  • Damn! brittney go to it first

  • yanking out your nose hairs with the largest set of tweezers you can find.

  • * A mayonnaise and hair sandwich!

    * Taking a long sip from your strawberry milkshakes and having someone’s fingernail come through the straw into your mouth (THIS HAPPENED TO ME!)

    * Having your underdeveloped twin — a mass of hair and teeth –extracted from your stomach (read this in some scientific mag!)

    * Sitting down to a holiday dinner of someone’s extracted 30 pound tumor stuffed with walnut and cockroach dressing(I sure do HATE walnuts!)

    * Helping an acquaintance move and finding a stash of used tampons under her couch cushions!

    * Pulling off your fingernails and then having to cut jalapenos and lemons!

    * The movie “Glitter!”

  • holy fuck, there a lot of sick people around here. i love it.

  • I’m trying to remember the SNL sketch:

    “You know what I hate?”
    “No, what?”
    “I hate when I take a long pice of…”
    “Dental floss?”
    “No, no… it’s metal, and kinds pointy at parts…”
    “Barbed wire?”
    “Yea! That’s it! When I take a long piece of barbed wire and I shove it up one nostril and pull it down the other then I tie it around… whatcha call them?”
    “Telephone poll?”
    “No, no they’re kinda like sheep… hop around on rocks all day?”
    “Mountian goat?”
    “YEA! I tie the barbed wire around the horns of a mountian goat fire a starter’s pistol..”
    “Oh man I know what you mean. I Hate it when that happens!”

  • bobo

    the time just after morning coffee the day after a siamese twin, stuck together butt to mouth to his twin, eats his own vomit.

  • Tammy

    now I’m sick.

  • maryjane

    Being the Bukkake girl at a family reunion. The pets take part, too.

  • i sure do HATE walnuts, too! stop! you’re killing me!

  • Angelique

    what’s gross:ten dead babies in a trashcan- grosser than that? one dead baby in ten trashcans, an abortion clinic ice cream parlor, expired breast milk, coming down with a yeast infection afterwaking up the morning after a party and realizing that you are not wearing your own panties (not like that actually ever happened or anything….)

  • two of ’em…
    first a pickup line. while talking to the potential other you say: “by law i’m required to tell you that i’m a convicted child molester.”

    and finally a grosser than gross: what’s grosser than gross? when drinking a bloody mary, getting to the bottom of the glass and finding a pubic hair.

  • I think I have an ulcer and it’s making my poop black. How’s that?

  • Stepping on someone else’s dysenteric dog’s shit in your nicest shoes and then having to get close enough to the shoes to clean them because you have to put them in a suitcase.

  • the media

    sodomized by notorious big & puffy to the tune of brittany’s “i’m not so innocent”

  • Angelique

    ok, more: asscandy grams, “sperm of the month club”, “show your bladder at work” day, “bring your pimp to work” day, l’eau de ferrett cologne, Sears coming out with a Dahmer-esque inspired line of furniture…. wow, i could really go hog wild with this….

  • maryjane wins, I think, but it would also be awful to put a sharpened pencil in each nostril and slam your face into a table.

  • Also, a suicide note reading “I didn’t think the gun was loaded.” (a very cruel example of sarcasm)

  • Angelique

    “Tickle Me Pinhead” doll

  • Naz

    Someone I know has this fear which while not entirely unfeasible is quite gross and has made me fear it somewhat as well:

    A paper cut on your eye.

  • seedknee

    While we’re on the subject of botflies…

  • Creative Genius

    Along the same lines:

    Jumping from a skyscraper and having your eyelid get caught on a nail.

  • Zan

    Falling off the roof of your house and getting your eyelid caught on a nail

  • the guy you’re giving head to falls asleep and pisses in your mouth. my ex actually did that to someone …. i can’t believe i dated him.

  • Nicole

    . . . sing along . . .
    scab salad, puss on top,
    monkey eyes and elephant snot,
    gushed up eyeballs, fish guts too,
    scab salad
    is good for you . . .

  • BT

    “Rimming” the 400 pound man after he’s worked out to every episode of “Sweating to the Oldies” and then binged on a few sacks of ten at White Castle.

  • Ooh, another one a friend relayed to me as true:
    Going to the emergency room only to discover you’ve forgotten you fashioned a potato into a diaphragm and left it there and now your Snoopy be sproutin’.

  • anna

    not mine either but it made me laugh my ass off:

    What’s gross?
    Going down on your grandmother.
    What’s grosser?
    It smells like rancid fish.
    What’s grosser?
    She hasn’t gone through menopause yet.
    What’s grosser?
    You get a red-stained string stuck in your teeth.
    What’s grosser?
    You yank yourself away to go floss your teeth and plop goes a tampon onto your face.
    What’s grosser?
    It’s covered in greenish gangrene-infested maggot-infested clumps.
    What’s grosser?
    As you’re running to the bathroom, the maggots crawl up your nose and head for your brain.
    What’s grosser?
    Your liquefied brains start to ooze, prolific with clumps, out of your mouth and nostrils and around the tampon, and you fall dead in the bathroom, into the toilet, where someone had an attack of bloody diarrhea then forgot to flush.
    What’s grosser?
    Your grandmother had a yeast infection too.

  • The sickest things aren’t that creative

    Finding out you were a mistake that your mother made with someone other than your “father” and realizing you have been exposed to many serious diseases without knowing as a result.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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