the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Anvil Latrine

Here’s what I don’t understand: what I don’t understand is how those people expect me to believe that Avril Lavigne is the “alternative” to Britney Spears.

Those people just expect me to lie down and get over the fact that this Avril creation, someone so insipidly sterile that the only thing even slightly askew about her persona is that she’s Canadian, knows the first thing about complication. I mean, complicated would be if she could knot that fucking necktie around a breast, you know what I’m saying?

And I’m like, first of all, who the hell would name a kid Avril? Avril? And I’m thinking, it has to be the same people who find themselves compelled to assign gender to inanimate objects, that’s who. And I’m thinking, since when did we take those people seriously?

And maybe it’s just the notion that she’s an “alternative,” as if what she’s doing is any different than what Britney’s been doing since she first did a back-hand-spring into my heart. Those people are bragging that Avril is writing her own music and playing her own instruments, and I’m like, since when did our pop stars need to do anything of that sort? If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn’t be a pop star. She’d be a musician.

And people, this world is too full of musicians. We need more Britneys, especially ones in red leather space suits.

And I guess what I’m thinking is that those people know that Avril Lavigne is the safe alternative to Britney: a boob-less droid groomed to stir up teen girl masses into a false sense of gritty rebellion, one who will get them thinking about something, anything other than their sexuality. And I think it totally stinks. Avril is a sexless she-boy, and she’s systematically undoing the lustrous sense of sexual awareness Britney gift-wrapped and laid at the feet of Puritan America for over four wonderful, boob-filled years.

And if this means that I’ve got to drive to Louisiana and pick Britney off her massive drunk ass myself, I will get her back, and together we will show the world once again that the best pop stars are the ones who can be confused all too easily with porn stars.

  • vibegrrl

    2003/01/08 at 9:58 pm

    At least, if they’re going to make her up to slightly resemble some sort of rock-chick instead of the pop-chick she REALLY is, they could teach her how to pronounce David Bowie’s name, so, you know, she could at LEAST pretend she knows who he is, instead of MASSIVELY embarassing herself by assuming (out loud) that it rhymes with HOWIE.

  • poop on a stick

    2003/01/08 at 10:11 pm

    so its the canadians who assign gender to inanimate objects????

  • brittney

    2003/01/08 at 10:23 pm

    Every time I see Avril with her mouth wide open, showing off her extra-long canines in an attempt to look edgy and badass, I want to put my fist in it.

    God help me if she bit down.

  • Anonymous

    2003/01/08 at 10:28 pm

    I just want to say that Dooce is just classy as all heck for not being tempted to mention that she currently has 198 comments – no that’s not a misprint – on yesterday’s post. And to follow it up with such a tight & cleverly-written piece like this. *doffs her cap* Back-to-back gold, Dooce!

    (Though what it says about the rest of us that yesterday’s topic could provoke so much discussion, I’m not sure…)

  • ChibaCity

    2003/01/08 at 10:36 pm

    ‘Hit it…

    New York, London, Paris, Munich
    Everybody talk about pop musik’

  • PistolPete

    2003/01/08 at 10:36 pm

    Granted, no teenager gets where what’s her fuck is without a huge amount of record label puppeteering, but wouldn’t you rather have the pigtail and retainer crowd inspired to write and create instead of simply taking orders and dressing like hoze? Give me a dozen Fiona Apples over Britney’s melons any day.

  • Katie

    2003/01/08 at 10:50 pm

    I guess Avril couldn’t pronounce David Bowie’s name the other day at the Grammy Award Nominations. So Britney didn’t know where Australia was and Avril has never heard of David Bowie. Yeah, they’re about on the same page.

  • Keith

    2003/01/09 at 12:05 am

    Avril does not write her own stuff!!!! This group of singer-songwriters called Mercy Street came into our office to perform their new song, coincidentally also called “Complicated,” which they co-wrote with a pair of guys who coincidentally turned around and began writing with this young Canadian tart named Avril Lavigne. There’s just way too many coincidences there for me not to think that strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Additionally, someone I know tried interviewing Advil Latrine at the KIIS Jingle Ball this year back here in your forsaken land of Los Angeles and said she was a total whiny little bitch. Which is basically what she is in her songs as well. She’s no musician. She’s a manufactured pop star.

  • Igor

    2003/01/09 at 12:47 am

    She’d be called Avril because that’s the French word for April and she’s from Canada which suggests some French roots in her past. As far as attitude, intelligence or intent is concerned : she’s a woman and by that expedient alone more dangerous than your multi-megatonne thermonuclear warhead. Which in turn could lead to some choice rude comments which I’ll refrain from making. Have a very nice, cold, day instead.

  • Michael

    2003/01/09 at 3:30 am

    I thought Avril WAS a boy!


    2003/01/09 at 3:33 am

    You’re not a music expert at all, are you?

  • John C

    2003/01/09 at 3:49 am

    If you watch the video for ‘complicated’ and wait until the very end, she does this petulent facial expression that makes me want to throw my TV out the window. Go watch it (but turn the sound off), you’ll see what I mean.

  • Jason Kill

    2003/01/09 at 4:02 am

    At least when Avril makes that first TV appearance with (“I don’t believe it”) new DD boobs, she won’t be able to feed us that line about, “Well, I reckon I’m just a maturing woman golly gee.” (gun shot)

  • peggy

    2003/01/09 at 4:17 am

    Now wait, is (*ouch*) she the one (*ouch*, already) dating Dustin Timberland?
    (Sorry. Got one of my tits caught in my love beads.)

  • erika

    2003/01/09 at 4:37 am

    I don’t know if it was unintentional or what, but thanx for getting that stupid “complicated” song stuck in my head Life without that Avril girl was so much better.

  • aubs

    2003/01/09 at 5:03 am

    I’ve officially added her to the group that needs to be hermetically sealed in a dark room with no windows together: Christina Aguilera and Carrot Top. May they fester in their own vileness forever.

  • Zeek

    2003/01/09 at 5:07 am

    Report from the cold white north: Yah, I saw an interview with that twit about a year or two ago when that song came out. She was only 15 or something like that at the time, but the chick was trying to pull this wise-beyond-her-years bullshit and talking about relationships and things that inspire her songwriting… I honestly wanted to hit her, or as SB would put it, beat her senseless with the nearest available copy of the babysitters club.

  • owen

    2003/01/09 at 5:12 am

    Avril who?

  • dobbins

    2003/01/09 at 5:13 am

    lord god, i can’t wait to see what the comments look like after the canadians wake up. it’s cold there you know, and they need their rest. as for me i’m waiting by the television/vcr with a blank tape ready to record the cribs episode that features avril’s house. or is it hoose?
    either way.

  • geet

    2003/01/09 at 5:18 am

    Bring on the red leather space suits!

  • Brandon

    2003/01/09 at 5:40 am

    She’s a menace and must be stopped!!
    Actually, I’m just trying to pretend I know who this girl is. What is it about turning 30 that sucks you into the NPR/Talk Radio crowd? Honestly, the last time I knew who all the bands were or what they looked like I was wearing ripped jeans and def leppard t-shirts. Oh well.
    To stay on topic I figured I should share this with you.

  • Marie

    2003/01/09 at 5:57 am

    Eep. As -french- canadian, I somehow feel the need to defend my people.

    Avril as a girl’s name, as far as I know, would be the very unwanted child of french roots and of those people who find themselves compelled to assign months’ names to animate people. April? May? Eesh. You guys are as much to blame for the horror that is Avril.

    (and for the record, I really like this site. It’s nothing personal.)

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/01/09 at 5:58 am

    What we mustn’t forget is that there is a bridge between Advil and Brittany, in that, someday they both will become porn stars.

    More boobs, less song-writing.

  • Alex

    2003/01/09 at 5:59 am

    You know what’s worse than Avril? Walnuts! I sure do hate walnuts!

    Seriously though, I would love to go back in time so that my 17 year old self could kick the living “complication” out her while yelling, “How punk are you now, beyotch!?” The fact that she doesnít know who David Bowie is just shows her age ñ granted I knew who Bowie was at her age ñ sheís just a kid making grimaces thinking itís cute. There is nothing new or inventive that this girl has done (on any level) which would merit any sort of recognition or praise.

    To add insult to injury, however, is the fact that Rolling Stone featured her in the “Women that Rock” issue. That is a slap in the face to the women who were left out or had only one or two lines or paragraphs next to their name. Women who rock are Patti Smith, Joan Jett, the Donnas and the like, not this little girl even if she can strum one or two chords or her guitar.

    Personally, I could care less if her name is Avril, Agril, Aspril she is still a nincompoop prop for the sanitized portion of the music industry. As far as Brittney, at least she is an honest to goodness slutty chick because she WANTS to be, and that takes more chutzpah than wearing a fucking tie sans collar.

  • antisocialdiva

    2003/01/09 at 6:29 am

    so britney kicks avril’s ass, but where does christina fit in? i’ve always thought she was beneath britney but she does have the porn star thing down to a science

  • Billy

    2003/01/09 at 6:33 am

    Avril? Reminds me I need an Advil.

  • beth

    2003/01/09 at 6:48 am

    i worked Avril’s show last night… and she’s a passable pop confection. i utterly fail to understand who decided to market her as punk. *snort* as if. what was funny about working the show was watching the entire crowd of 12 to 14 year old girls work *so hard at being punk. they did try, really. 😉

  • Canadian Amy

    2003/01/09 at 6:54 am

    Avril = French for April… and you know how those Napanee hick-townies like to culture themselves up and pretend they’re part of the minority instead of just accepting their plain old mungie-cake, white-trash townie Ontario identities… I mean, did they forget that French or “Anglais”… they’re still just Canadians and will not become honorary Europeans no matter how many accents they put around their letters…

  • paperdog

    2003/01/09 at 6:54 am

    I usually just hang out in the background, but because I personally feel that Avril is one of the most *vile* human beings ever to wear a pair of Dickies I must comment…

    She makes my ears bleed.

  • PJ

    2003/01/09 at 7:08 am

    My son’s Nickelodeon mag came yesterday, and guess who is on the cover??!! There is an interview with her inside. Here are a few tidbits:
    Q: What do you miss most about your hometown, Napanee, Canada?
    A: I miss the pizza. My favorite pizza place is called La Pizzeria. It has the best pizza in the world.
    Q: What was the first song that you wrote?
    A: It was called ‘Can’t Stop Thinking About You.’ It was a cheesy little love song. I was fourteen. It was actually pretty good.

    For more hard-hitting questions and answers, go buy your own copy.

  • shotwise

    2003/01/09 at 7:13 am

    Avril’s French for April, eh? If I name my daughter Germinal, will that win her any acclaim?

  • canadian shy

    2003/01/09 at 7:14 am

    askew? canadians? huh.

    i didn’t mind avril until she pronounced david bowie’s name wrong on national television. i’m sorry. but that’s unforgivable.

  • canadian shy (again)

    2003/01/09 at 7:18 am

    avril is from napanee, canada? that’s funny. i remember going on a school trip to the states. but before we got there, we got lost in napanee for a god-awfull three hours. brian orser is also from napanee… and he never had a fling with brian boitano, contrary to popular belief.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/01/09 at 7:20 am

    If I had a daughter, i would want her to be like Avril; if I had a sex toy, I would wanter to be like Britney.

    But really, I’m far too old to spend this much time on teen pop stars.

  • .

    2003/01/09 at 7:23 am

    Avril-french for April, no biggie if you are actually from Canada where French is an official language, her parents have to be french Canadian…

  • petit hiboux

    2003/01/09 at 7:23 am

    let me introduce my award-winning concept to this fine audience:

    Crimes For Humanity.

    after careful consideration of your input, sealing avril lavrigne’s mouth shut with stitches definitely makes the cut.

    thank you for endorsing Crimes For Humanity. your contribution has made a vast difference.

  • Rex

    2003/01/09 at 7:24 am

    Wow, isn’t this stuff designed for fifteen year olds? Go make yourself a martini and chill out.

  • .

    2003/01/09 at 7:27 am

    Canadian Amy must be from Alberta… she’s got that whole “holier than thou” attitude on. Despite being better than you westerners, we Ontario’ans, don’t actually think it you know.

  • Rex

    2003/01/09 at 7:29 am

    I think the coolest thing about her is that she pronounced Bowies name wrong – even if unintential, it’s great to hear so many people fired up about it, like how dare she not know who he is.

  • Pascale Soleil

    2003/01/09 at 7:30 am

    Everyone in England calls him “Bowie rhymes with Howie”. And he CAME from there.

  • L.A. Grump

    2003/01/09 at 7:49 am

    Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears are both corporate rock creations, brought about to separate teenage girls from their money. Avril being nominated for Best New ARTIST is bullshit. Of course the Grammy people have never heard of Interpol or Rjd2. What would expect from an institution who gave that award in ’77 to Taste of Honey over Elvis Costello and the Cars?

  • jen

    2003/01/09 at 7:50 am

    I have to throw my hat in for the defence of Avril, as is it French for April and yes, some of us do speak French in Canada even in Alberta. Apologies for baffling the Americans with the names of Canadian provinces.

    Comparing Brittany and Avril seems a little like comparing apples to, well, grapes or something.

  • Your Correctional Officer

    2003/01/09 at 7:55 am

    Being Canadian I’d just like to say a few things:

    1) I’m very sorry, so very sorry for releasing Avril on you.
    2) French is one of TWO official languages. Not everyone from Canada is french, only a relatively small portion of the population. The rest are “eh” speaking quai-Americans with coffee addictions.
    3) I’m also very very sorry for Brian Adams, Celine Dion and Jason Priestly. But we also gave you Pam Anderson, Dave Thomas and Mike Myers.
    4) Unrelated, Charlotte Church announced to a Toronto crowd how much she “loves being in America” and is met with Stony silence. Britney also said that she had to fly overseas to get to Canada. Oy.

  • matty

    2003/01/09 at 7:55 am

    pascale, the english people who call him bowie (rhyme with howie)speak with a dialect. you might notice those same brits calling him “dye-vid.” so far as i know, our little avril doesn’t speak with that particular dialect. certainly that dialect is often closely associated with punk, so perhaps she affected it in an effort to get to her “roots,” but the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of her not knowing who ziggy stardust was.

  • Splinter

    2003/01/09 at 7:56 am

    Heh. I’m Canadian.

    Not amusing.

    And here we go again bashing the Canadians because of insecurity. If Americans have the big bad advanced country with all the artillery and talent and style, then why do they feel the need to bash our wee “no doot aboot it” country with the red coated RCMP and horses? Really people, what’s with the stereotypes? It’s not amusing anymore. Frankly, it’s getting very old. And it only confirms your stupidity.(among other things)

    As was already stated: And Avril Lavigne is a french name. Her first name is french for April. And nobody’s pronouncing it right.

    And no, I’m not a fan of her music. Nor of her appearance.

  • Tammy

    2003/01/09 at 7:57 am

    I hate pop music.

  • Your Correctional Officer

    2003/01/09 at 8:00 am

    Sorry, that was supposed to be “Bryan”, “quasi-Americans”, and “stony”. It’s way too early.

  • jason

    2003/01/09 at 8:08 am

    but i will still totally do it with her.

  • Kyle

    2003/01/09 at 8:08 am

    Hmmm. I think we should let Avril and Brit go toe-to-toe to solve this matter. With any luck neither will survive.

    That said, Avril is the lesser (by far) of two evils in my opinion.

  • Angelique

    2003/01/09 at 8:12 am

    the little bitch cant even skate.
    what i wouldnt give to see her spill off a handrail, though. her face may actually have some character after becoming one with a set of cement stairs. as it stands, i’ve seen more facial character from gumby than this bitch.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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