Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

What’s Grosser than Gross?

Please indulge me this juvenile activity. I’m counting on you people to come up with something so sick and diseased that I can’t help but think that the sickness I feel right now is in some way a blessing. I’ll start with a couple of my favorites, the ones I used to repeat over and over at the back of the bus on the way to 7th grade:

Two Siamese twins stuck together by the mouth and one throws up.

Sticking a toothpick underneath your toenail and kicking a wall.

  • what’s really gross is that I’m laughing while reading all of these, rather than getting grossed out…jeez

  • mbc

    i just threw up in my mouth (no, i’m not a siamese twin).

  • Meconium: The first intestinal discharge from newborns, which is a viscous, dark green substance composed of intestinal epithelial cells, lanugo, mucus, and intestinal secretions, such as bile.

  • finding a roach in your corn flakes – the hard way.

  • I’m embarrassed that I thought of this, but here goes: Putting used maxis and tampon in the Mr. Juicer and drinking the results.

  • Kat

    i don’t know what to say to you people.

  • anna

    what’s important here is that we are helping miss heather. are we helping, heather?

  • drew

    macking out on a gyro only to find out that the cucumber sauce you slathered on was really bukkake sauce instead.

  • Avril Lavigne.

    Wait, I’ve got one more…

    Christina Aguilera.

  • rosebaby

    Jarvis has started to manufacture its Model JCK-1 Automatic Hog Splitter. The JCK-1 incorporates the latest, patented technology in automatic hog splitting, including a five axis computerized mechanism capable of splitting a maximum 650 hogs per hour – regardless of size or weight.

    more: http://www.mtgplace.com/com/
    jarvis/index.asp?iRequest=about

  • Sam

    ….a hickey on a hemorrhoid

  • I’m going to have nightmares tonight. I just know it.

  • Getting a body piercing straight thru the glans of your penis. And realizing all that pain was for nothing. Because it is super crooked. And adding insult to your literal injury by seeing people post video footage of the piercing endevour online.

  • I’m thinking Anna is TOO good at this…

  • tarble tarble boy

    that familiar dad aftertaste

  • How about having a car steering wheel (in an accident) slam your hand on top of your arm. All without a drop of blood being spilled.
    Pain. Sheer pain. Tiny little wrist bones smashed beyond belief.
    Anyone want to see the surgery scar??

  • the fact that no matter how much my stomach turned, I just kept reading, and reading, and…

  • anna

    they weren’t all made up by me – i got some help.

    but i will take total responsibility for the booger ball and the jism jar.

  • embarassed. still.

    Giving your boyfrind head while he drives…

    and gets in an accident!

  • How about a ballarina doing a split and sticking to the floor?

  • lee

    Not funny Drew…that happened to me at a burrito joint. Only the friggin’ sauce was already in the burrito.
    ***Along the same lines (true story)*** Starving, you sit down to have a big bowl of your favorite granola/muesli/what have you. You wolf down several bites only to realize the stuff is teeming with worm’s eggs.

  • No way in hell did somebody “fall asleep” while getting head and then “accidentally” pee in someone’s mouth. Someone has a piss thing they don’t want to talk about.

  • The best one so far was the hooker with herpes around her colostomy hole.

    This really happened to me, as I am a graceless clutz. I was prying apart frozen steaks with a sharp knife, and it slipped and embedded itself in my hand, severing two tendons in my left ring finger. That was pretty gross. But the grossest part is that since I had stitches after the reparative surgery, and some bizarre splint-from-hell (pictures are in my august 2002 archives) on my hand, I couldn’t really wash it, and the surface skin dried up. Once the stitches were out, I started cleaning my hand in the shower, and i was able to peel huge thick chunks of dead skin off of my hand, as if I were molting. over the next few days, I had to rub off more dead skin that had accumulated over the day.

    I felt like I was changing into the fly, or something.

  • Dave Thomas

    Dunno, Blurb. Probably happens to a lot of toddlers.

  • Well, when I was a kid my friends and I tried to dream up the worst thing you would ever have to eat and I won with this:
    A twinkie made out of boogers with a snot filling.

  • “The best one so far was the hooker with herpes around her colostomy hole. This really happened to me, as I am a graceless clutz.”

    Shel, you might want to separate those two sentences a little more, or throw the “this really happened to me” AFTER your story. You totally grossed me out for a sec.

    My fun true story? Go running through the woods late at night, find that some bug has layed eggs in your leg the next day, try to scratch it out with poison ivy on your fingers. Pussy, eggy, itchy mess that spread up my leg under the skin. And I had to go on vacation like that.

  • anna

    can’t BELIEVE i forgot this one: a friend of mine went on a tropical vacation and picked up a nasty virus which caused much intestinal discomfort and puking. and even after he returned to the states he kept feeling really sick until one morning he awoke feeling violently ill and ran to the bathroom, vomiting in to the sink a long (like 18 inches long) thin worm which whipped around the sink bowl like a live electical wire for a few minutes before dying a slow death.

    this is NOT a lie. i swear it.

  • Oh we’re doing actual ones?

    Scooping up a handful of redhots laying on the floor without realizing that the family rabbit had been through and just left a ‘rabbit raisin’ in the midst of the pile.

    “Hmmm… what’s that Chewy one?”

  • anna

    oh yeah – and my ex-boyfriend’s brother had a cockroach die in his ear when he was like 7 and they had to pull it out with these really long tweezers.

    the grossest part is that it was encased in a wax earwax coccoon and that it came out in two sections.

    after they pulled out the first half – i would have been screaming “CUT MY HEAD OFF! JUST CUT IT OFF!”

  • eww… 18 inch stomach worm?..

    eerp Anna wins.

  • Anonymous
  • Not that I can even compete with anna and the rest of you genius sickos, but here goes:

    Inviting Kathryn Hepburn to shave your ass with a weedwacker…

    That squishy feeling between your toes in the split seconds after you plant your bare foot into a fresh (and large) dog turd…

    The 400 pound man with the garlic and asparagus addiction tossing his *own* salad…

    Realizing that your cute cat who was oh-so-preggers yesterday has just devoured all of her offspring…

    Watching a buck (which is a male goat, for all of you who didn’t grow up on a weird ass farm, as i did) lean down to drink from the warm stream of urine that the nearest female goat is unloading, and then see him curl up his little goat lip so he can smell it better. yes. this really happens. male goats are gross…

    pig testicles. have you seen them? they are disturbingly huge…

    and i’m spent.

  • anna so wins.

  • lindsey

    what the fuck is bukkake?

  • Bev

    I got on an SF streetcar one afternoon after eating a big, fat, killer burrito with extra guac. Then, to my horror and dismay, I notice an old, disheveled, troll-like hag sitting near me. She was barfing into a bag after every jerk and bump of the streetcar. The bag was clear plastic. The barf was extra-guac green.

  • Lindsey…

    Bukkake is a very useful, multipurpose word. Do a google search and I’m pretty sure all your questions will be answered.

  • Taste buds on your anus.

  • From Reuters Health today:

    Use Maggots to Clean Wounds, Prevent Amputation.

    Contained within:

    “When maggots are placed on an open wound, they secrete proteins that break down dead tissue fragments, creating a soup that the maggots ingest. Maggots also release substances that help protect the injured skin from becoming re-infected, and their crawling on the wound may also encourage the growth of new tissue.

    When treating the injured patients, Jukema and colleagues placed at least 100 so-called “sterile” maggots on the wounds of three patients, then covered the wound surface with a light net dressing. After a few days, patients began to report feeling pain from the biting and crawling of the maggots, so the researchers gave them anesthesia.”

  • Mayonnaise comes from squeezed pimples.

  • Sam

    “anna thinks:
    they weren’t all made up by me – i got some help.”

    Anna, what have I told you about conjuring up Satan? huh?

  • Clening the women’s room at the grocery store I used to work at, after some chick apparently lost control of her diarrhea-laden bowels, 6 inches from the toilet bowl, and then decided to remove her tampon and huck it against the wall. I can only assume it was the same girl, although, it could have been a joiner, cause once someone gets the ball rolling…

  • Oh, f. Anna’s “Grandma Story” so goes above and beyond mine, although mine actually happened, while I can only pray Anna’s didnt.

  • Sliding down a razor-lined toboggan into a pool of iodine.

  • A “this happened to me” story: While stocking shelves in a drugstore, I put my coke down. Left. Rang up a few people. Came back. Picked up my coke and took a swig. No coke remained, but someone had used the can for his tobacco juice.

  • This might not rate with razors and Vice Grips, but it actually happened to me: Picture a humid summer day. Dennis buys himself a frosty chocolate milkshake and sits on a bench to enjoy. It was incredibly thick, and I really had to work to get the stuff up the straw. All of my hard work eventually paid off as I sucked through the straw (and into my throat) an entire raw egg (?!?). You know what happened next…

  • Another ture story,
    I was working on cooking something that envolved the blender. I didn’t know that it had a short in it and was broken, but I was having difficulty getting the blade in. Right before I was about to give up, i gave it one last try, and the blender turned on and left my finger all cut up. (luckily I do have all of my fingers and basically full use of them.)

  • i dont have a weak stomach usually but i think im going to be sick

  • first think of someone you dislike. then imagine strapping them down and ripping only the eye lids off. observe.

  • Red

    trying to take out a contact lense for an hour. then you discover it’s already out.