Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Anvil Latrine

Here’s what I don’t understand: what I don’t understand is how those people expect me to believe that Avril Lavigne is the “alternative” to Britney Spears.

Those people just expect me to lie down and get over the fact that this Avril creation, someone so insipidly sterile that the only thing even slightly askew about her persona is that she’s Canadian, knows the first thing about complication. I mean, complicated would be if she could knot that fucking necktie around a breast, you know what I’m saying?

And I’m like, first of all, who the hell would name a kid Avril? Avril? And I’m thinking, it has to be the same people who find themselves compelled to assign gender to inanimate objects, that’s who. And I’m thinking, since when did we take those people seriously?

And maybe it’s just the notion that she’s an “alternative,” as if what she’s doing is any different than what Britney’s been doing since she first did a back-hand-spring into my heart. Those people are bragging that Avril is writing her own music and playing her own instruments, and I’m like, since when did our pop stars need to do anything of that sort? If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn’t be a pop star. She’d be a musician.

And people, this world is too full of musicians. We need more Britneys, especially ones in red leather space suits.

And I guess what I’m thinking is that those people know that Avril Lavigne is the safe alternative to Britney: a boob-less droid groomed to stir up teen girl masses into a false sense of gritty rebellion, one who will get them thinking about something, anything other than their sexuality. And I think it totally stinks. Avril is a sexless she-boy, and she’s systematically undoing the lustrous sense of sexual awareness Britney gift-wrapped and laid at the feet of Puritan America for over four wonderful, boob-filled years.

And if this means that I’ve got to drive to Louisiana and pick Britney off her massive drunk ass myself, I will get her back, and together we will show the world once again that the best pop stars are the ones who can be confused all too easily with porn stars.

  • Avril no good? I suppose we could rename her Shi Yueh. 😀

  • I can’t believe I just wasted all that time reading a rant about Avril Lavigne vs Britney Spears. And I can’t believe someone wasted all that time writing a rant about Avril Lavigne vs Britney Spears. But since I wasted my time, and you wasted yours here’s my response, I like boobs, but Britney still SUCKS. I’m not much of an Avril fan either, but she’s much better than Britney, cause anyone can get plastic boobs, talent on the other hand, is harder to come by.

  • Your Correctional Officer

    Man, Chip, SOMEONE’s a Christina fan…

  • jub

    Matty – sorry to be a pedantic aggressor, but I’ve had a hard day at work and you’re wrong. And I’ll tell you why:

    Whether people in the UK pronounce it Bowie (rhymes with Showy) or Bowie (rhymes with Howie) is one a mere bagatelles. Bit like the whole scone/scone thing. Okay: so the man himself might pronounce it a certain way, but I don’t think he’s infallible. If you pronounced your name “wanker” you would forgive someone pronouncing it Matty right? I think David would agree.

    As for this whole dialect thing, Hm. Someone doesn’t know the difference between accent and dialect….. You speak with an accent, but a dialect is the words you actually say and the grammar you use, dependant on (usually) the region you live in. So the way you pronounce it is a matter of accent, not dialect.

    But she certainly is a very silly girl.

  • xoxox

    In Avril’s defense, at least she can sing, as opposed to Britney who is amazing to look at and fantasize about but can’t do more than lip sync. But no matter how much Avril denies it, she’s a pop artist with feigned teen angst used to get kids on her bandwagon. Christina and Avril’s managers should have gone the Mili Vanilli way and used other people for their images until they learned some style.

  • Danika

    I just have to say that Avril is the biggest airhead around and she can’t actually sing! All she does is yell and pretend its singing. She was interviewed at my local radio station and I really couldn’t believe what a moron she was… especially since everyone was preaching how great she is.

    Now please don’t bash Canadians just because she is a Canadian…

  • just so everyone knows, i love Canadians. they are some of the most huggable and squeezable people on the planet. before anyone goes screaming that jesus!, now she’s bashing canadians, i wrote it to mean that if the only thing slightly askew aboot, oops, about her persona is that she’s Canadian, it means there’s nothing even slightly askew about her persona. people, i LOVE michael j. fox. for real.

  • TheRedhead

    Dooce, it only makes sense that America Junior…excuse me, Canada…would produce someone so clearly inferior to Britney. I mean Avril wouldn’t even live up to the name Britney Junior.

  • I think the whole Avril Lavigne thing is kind of cute. It’s like when my friend puts on a CD and his little daughters dance around and pretend that they are rockin’.

  • uncle!uncle!

    I’m still plagued by visions of the bug in the eye thing. Somehow neither Avril nor Brittney are enough to get rid of it. Help me.

  • Verbal

    Britney is a talentless, ugly whore. I hate Avril, too.

  • uncle!uncle!

    Oh that made me feel better.

  • I guess you can also say how funny it is that too many people are remarking on the fact that Avril and britney are horrible singers. Are YOU a singer? Where’re YOUR million dollar sales?

    Yeah. That’s what I thought.

  • Verbal

    You don’t have to possess talent to realize where it isn’t.

  • (side note: Michael J. Fox is Canadian?)

    I dunno Dooce…Michael Jackson wrote his own songs and he is the King of Pop (was? Can you ever stop being a king?).

  • Verbal

    You stop being a king when you start being a queen.

  • Dave Thomas

    Splinter, my chilly friend, with all the producers and marketers at these ladies’ disposal, what makes you think they need your defense? It’s about as useful to them as real musical talent, which is to say not at all. All they’re really required to bring to the party is real and honest talent for entertaining. Based on that criteria, Dooce argues, Avril comes up short. Because unlike Britney, she’s promising something (punk cred) that she simply can’t deliver. By the way, only two people have even mentioned the girls’ singing chops, and one of those was in praise, so what are you complaining about? I only wish 50% of everyone liked me. in conclusion: Simply being Canadian usually does not impair one’s ability to entertain. Usually.

  • Bitch stole my name! Ima put a foot up her ass the next time she comes Brooklyn side!

  • jen

    Splinter, don’t diss the dooce man. I am rabidly pro-Canadian, being one myself. But don’t be an ass so that we are next after Iraq dude.

    And by the by. America Junior? ha.

  • Does it really matter that Avril is Canadian? No talent is still no talent regardless of nationality!

  • D

    In any case, is there anything worst than that stupid “Sk8ter Boi” song?

  • jen

    Hey cool, I was comment #69.

    And that should read, don’t diss the dooce, man. I know dooce is not a man, but a lovely cher singing lady.

  • Dave Thomas

    Damn, D, did you miss yesterday’s post?

  • How much am I loving you, right now?!

  • uh-oh

    Let me just begin with a little apology.
    “We’re all so sorry that we can’t be as discriminatory and pretentious
    as Dooce”.

    I’m sure she’s been super-core and ultra hip her entire life. She was
    probably born in chuck tailors and a vintage pea coat. At Avril’s age,
    I’m sure Dooce was listening to the Cure and wearing black eye liner
    (hey, I know someone else who loves black eyeliner) long before anyone
    else. I can tell that anti-mormon angst routine (it’s just such a hard
    life to be raised in a happy mormon household) must come from a much
    more authentic place then Avril’s girl power act.

    It’s pretty low to take a shot at someone’s name, so I shouldn’t even
    dignify the insult by addressing it, but I will anyway. Not to threaten
    the little North American box Dooce is stuck in, but Avril’s first name,
    like her
    last name Lavigne is a traditional Israeli name. And, to address
    another cheap shot, with a Canadian accent, Bowie would be pronounced
    like Howie. Even dinosaurs like Dooce who are O.G. Bowie fans from
    Canada would pronounce it that way because of the accent.

    Just because she’s mildly retarded doesn’t mean that there isn’t still
    some value in the argument that if there are going to be little
    pop-cicles running around, one who isn’t a total whore is better than
    none! It’s a double edged sword for these girls; if they
    aren’t walking around half naked they’re wanna-be sexless drones and
    if they are half naked, they’re sluts.

    I love Britney too, but ever since I had two really random dreams about
    Avril being my friend, I’m on the Avril train. I guess since, in the
    dream I was trying to give her advice about not wearing such lame
    clothes and telling her she has to stop saying that her band “rocks out
    live”, I’ve developed a weird maternal protective instinct for Avril.
    I’m guessing that Dooce is just like I was pre-Avril dreams, in complete
    denial that she hates Avril because she was exactly like her at age 16.

    I can admit when someone sucks, and trust me, I won’t be running out to
    buy her cd and striped neck tie, but I’m over people dissing Avril.
    It’s just too easy. It’s like hitting a kid with glasses.

  • Everybody knows that truly talented artists produce music suitable for a Mitsubishi commercial. And all you really have to ask yourself is…do they drive cars in Canada?

  • who’s the Cure?

  • jen

    Avril is a Celtic/English vaiant of April. Canucks are still attached to the UK, or at least were for about a 100 years. Lot of brits there.

    The fact she has a name liek that, with a french last name only SINGS OUT she’s been on a few a back bacon benders.

  • right on.

  • Dave Thomas

    uh oh, you windy twit: Yes, dissing Avril is easy. But knocking her IN FAVOR of a ho like Britney is a trick combination shot if I’ve ever seen one. Discover subtext and maybe one day you’ll appreciate the layered joys of show-off writing.

  • My friend Erin summed Avril up the best when she said, “So, she’s punk because, like, she’s Canadian and she has some slap bracelets from Hot Topic?”

  • tyd

    who’s the Cure?

    that was funny..

  • Dooce, you may have just inspired the next claymation masterpiece – the Avril vs. Britney Celebrity Deathmatch.

    The winner continues with their lipsyncing career; the loser pays a visit to Marvin Edelman.

  • Letterman last night.

    Interpol? Methinks stealing Joy Division as a fashion statement. Like Aw-vril, it’s hard to watch originals once/twice/three-time removed…

  • S.

    Hm. I disliked Avril from the start, but this ever-heavier bandwagon of people who now dislike her make me feel less special and militant about the whole thing. Parties aren’t as fun with so many people around.

    It’s like when REM got big all over again.

  • Splinter

    Actually I wasn’t “dissing Dooce.” I was “dissing” the morons who bash Canada. Please read my comments properly.

    I wasn’t defending Avril, nor Britney, Dave Thomas. And no. Not only two people mentioned Avril’s and Britney’s lack of talent… read through all of the comments carefully.

    And I said I’m not a fan of Avril’s music (same goes for Britney), but obviously there’s something there if millions buy their records.

    Now if we were arguing Milli Vanilli’s talent and I remarked that they are in fact talented, THEN you can shoot me in the head for being stupid.

    Carry on if you must.

  • down with pop stars!! up with big american thighs in miniskirts!


  • Wonderful post. Agreed on all accounts. I do know that she is titled ‘Avril’ ’cause it’s the french word for ‘April’, although oddly enough was born in, like, September or some other month (I do suppose I could be embarassed to know that). Second, the only ‘anti-Britney’ in my book is death. So someone, please give those people the message that nothin’ else is gonna stop me.

  • A different Erika

    I think Christina needs to be mentioned more. She is so gross that I cant help but love it. Also, dirrtyness aside (lol) she can actually sing – no?

    When I read Dooces’ post I thought she meant being Canadian made her different not bad because shes Canadian. Did I read that wrong?

    Btw, uh-oh how long did it take to write that email exactly?

  • RE: Christina. Her new video/song is actually quite nice. A welcome break from the dirrty, nassty, fillthy last video.

    But can we talk about Justin Timberlake instead?

  • Right on, Thomas — thank goodness someone’s paying attention.

    I’m with you, Dooce. I mean, don’t you hate it when what you’re served at a restaurant ends up being something completely different from what you thought you ordered. So dissappointing.

    Now, if you really want to get something started: What’s the difference b/t Avril and, say, Allanis?

    Oh Canada — you’ll always have Rush.

  • Dave Thomas


    “I guess you can also say how funny it is that too many people are remarking on the fact that Avril and britney are horrible singers. Are YOU a singer? Where’re YOUR million dollar sales?”

    That’s what a defense looks like. You don’t have to be a fan in order to mount one.

    As for the other thing, notice how you specifically moaned about all the people who were calling the girls “horrible singers.” Okay, here they all are:

    xoxox thinks:
    In Avril’s defense, at least she can sing

    Danika thinks:
    I just have to say that Avril is the biggest airhead around and she can’t actually sing!

    And then came your defense. Which is precisely when I became right, thereby winning the stupidest dispute in the history of the information superhighway.

    Finally, I like Canada alot. I think most people do, which is precisely why it’s so funny to make fun of it. Thanks for making it even funner.

  • moose

    “If a pop star wrote her own music or played her own instruments she wouldn’t be a pop star. She’d be a musician.”

    god i loved that.

  • A diff Erika

    I’m sorry if anyone gets mad but Rush sucks!

  • A diff Erika

    btw kids, let’s not forget The Bare Naked Ladies

  • It looks like hackers have decided that the ultimate form of punishment is to send people to Avril Livigne’s web site. Introducing the Avril Lavigne Virus.

  • Danika

    I didn’t think Dooce was making fun of Canada… I was talking to others who were or are going to LOL

    I’m Canadian and I have never pronounced Bowie the way Avril did… she didn’t pronounce it wrong because of a Canadian accent.

  • Avril’s Mom


  • If Anvil’s own “music” weren’t bad enough, the writing/production team behind her manure is now hard at work stinking up the next Liz Phair record.

    Ah, Liz… how far we have fallen.

  • uh-oh


    You busted yourself for being a pretentious dinosaur by using the word ?twit?, and if you call that little ranting show-off writing, you need to find a world outside of ?¸ber-cool? websites and find your way into a library.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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