the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Painting Rather Than Updating

In the last 10 days or so I have spent approximately 35 minutes in front of my computer, a notable and very much hurtful 4,000% decrease in the usual amount of time I spend catching up on the lives of strangers with online dumping grounds. It’s almost sad to get back online after several days away to realize that the world has continued without me, and the mania with which I’m trying to catch up on things is terribly depressing. I knew I had a problem with online consumption when I could detail over 20 people’s opinions about Tina Fabulous and Kirsten from “The Bachelor” after reading online message boards for over three hours a couple weeks ago. (For those who are interested, and that means probably two of you, I think Tina is totally fabulous.)

So I’m going to be stepping away from my computer again for the next several days as Jon and I finish up painting the new house and move in later this week. This means I will not only miss several days of online excitement, like when I missed Ben and Mena’s strategic maneuver to take over the world, or when Kottke proved the impossible and became an even bigger geek, or when the Allen-Armstrongs one-upped the Hamilton-Armstrongs and got that second dog who is not cute at all, but I will also most likely miss this week’s episode of “The Bachelor,” and this all makes me very, very sad. By the time I get back online Ben and Mena will probably be lifted up to heaven to receive their Celestial Glory alongside luminaries like John the Baptist and Ghandi.

What doesn’t make me sad, however, is the tiny 1926 Arts and Crafts style bungalow sitting up there in Salt Lake City just waiting for it’s corners and edges to be covered in dog piss. In the past week of painting I think Chuck has only marked his territory along the front lawn. He’s got weeks of pissing to look forward to.

I, however, have hours and hours of painting and emptying boxes to look forward to, which isn’t so bad considering that the other option is living under the same roof as my step-father ONE SINGLE MORE MINUTE. Before I leave his house today I’m using every single slice of bologna in the refrigerator to draw a gigantic round smiley face on his clean sheets.

So, I’ll see you in about a week when I’ll be posting from the new Blurbodoocery Headquarters, and when I’ll most likely be drunk on whiskey.

  • HM

    2003/04/28 at 10:25 am

    It’s amazing how a couple of days away from your computer reminds you that you didn’t really need it anyway. Until you get back in front of that screen, get sucked in again, and wonder how you spent that weekend without access to your fantasy baseball team.

  • antisocial diva

    2003/04/28 at 10:25 am

    hope the move is an easy one. i see jillian every day on that tv show good day live. and tina is way too fabulous for me. you will miss american idol too? if so, for shame. 😉

  • Alex

    2003/04/28 at 10:34 am

    And remember the rule, if its still in the box 6 months from now, you don’t need it. Throw it out!

    This, from a woman who still has shit in boxes from a move 9 years ago!

  • shy

    2003/04/28 at 10:38 am

    do people still eat bologna? in fact, i don’t ever think i have ever had a bologna sandwich before. growing up, my parents od-ed me on bean sprouts. typical chinese-canadian right here…

  • shy

    2003/04/28 at 10:39 am

    my last post was post #4. i hate number 4. speaking for my people… we DESPISE the number 4. in chinese, it sounds like the word ‘death’.

  • antisocial diva

    2003/04/28 at 10:42 am

    oh, and today jillian mentioned with carmen electra who stopped by the show. interesting. i haven’t recovered quite yet, but i am suppose its my own fault for visiting.

  • antisocial diva

    2003/04/28 at 10:44 am

    can i void that last inarticulate post? let me try that again…this time EDITED

    oh, and today jillian mentioned with carmen electra who stopped by the show. interesting. i haven’t recovered quite yet, but i suppose it’s my own fault for visiting.


  • Scott

    2003/04/28 at 10:46 am

    Dooce, you should staple bologna all over your stepfather’s walls. If he gives you any grief, just say you did it as an art statement. Then run like hell.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2003/04/28 at 10:50 am

    Arts and Crafts style bungalow? Pictures! We want pictures!

  • cam

    2003/04/28 at 10:51 am

    i have a 1925 arts and crafts bungalow.

    love it.

    would you like to see pics?

  • Cindi

    2003/04/28 at 10:56 am

    I miss you already!

  • meredith

    2003/04/28 at 11:07 am

    tina fabulous has got an *arm* … even i want her. how could andrew not?

  • megchem

    2003/04/28 at 11:29 am

    I want Hugo….puppy breath rules!

  • Clubfoot

    2003/04/28 at 11:32 am

    I like fried bologna


    2003/04/28 at 11:44 am

    Plan for moving:

    1. Invite friends to help
    2. Hook up stereo
    3. Crack beer (Yes, even if it is 9:00 a.m.)
    4. Lug box in

    Repeat #3 and #4 as needed.

  • rosebaby

    2003/04/28 at 11:52 am

    it’s completely exciting to move into a new house.

    i swear to god i’ll send brittney along so she’ll be there in time for the housewarming.

    (stereo is indeed crucial to moving mood, big open rooms are really fun too, and buy flowers.)

  • deadking

    2003/04/28 at 11:58 am

    holy crap shy has never had a bologna sandwich? shy go get bologna now throw in frying pan add cheese and mustard!then you’ll be eatin ghetto fabulous.

  • alex

    2003/04/28 at 12:04 pm

    A day without the Internet is like a day with sunshine.

    If you love the Internet, let it go free. If it doesn’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be.

    When I say “Inter,” you say “Net.”


    I’ll go back to my site now.

  • chorizo

    2003/04/28 at 12:13 pm

    1)Bologna, casually dropped into the heating duct in the corner of the room, is far more insidious and sly.
    2)Unplugging is good. Blogs are the new crack.
    3)Fried Bologna is so, so fine. As part of a greater “Grilled Bologna and Cheese”, it approaches godhead.

  • Symbiant

    2003/04/28 at 12:51 pm

    Just a week ago I found out that radio stations continue to broadcast AFTER I turn of the radio. The BASTARDS!!! Any plans for Stickley furniture?

  • mel

    2003/04/28 at 1:13 pm

    this is one reason i love dooce: fierce validation of bologna as fine cuisine. In my baby white-trash days, my aunts & I would always sneak down to the kitchen and make rounds of bologna + ketchup + wonder bread sandwiches (we were too young to use the stove, so frying them was out)…we lived on those things! And now I see no shame. Nope. None.

    Happy moving time…I miss you already. You’re becoming a grown woman right before our eyes. Aww.

  • Charles R. Kaiser

    2003/04/28 at 1:13 pm

    Having your own house totally rocks. I love my house. I even love shampooing the carpet in my house because I have two little chihuahuas that pee all over the place out of _SPITE_!! Hey! The humans are NOT paying attention to me. Time to slink off and pee in the closet.

    I hope that you greatly enjoy your new home (how’s that for a split infinitive?). After having my own home, I hope that I never have to do without one. Maybe when I totally loose my mind and end up like my grandfather it won’t hurt me to live in apartment-like structure, bu I’m not laying any money on that.

    Am I wrong to think that it was kind of cool that when my grandfather’s mind was going that after five minutes he would forget that you were visiting and then it was like a whole ‘nuther visit?

  • Lex

    2003/04/28 at 1:27 pm

    Ah, Arts and Crafts bunglalows. Rented one for 3 1/2 years, owned a bigger one for another 7 1/2. Couldn’t keep either one warm in winter and the sump pump in the latter would always quit working at inopportune times, such as in the midst of a hurricane, but otherwise I loved ’em both and envy you and Blurbomat.

  • Jay

    2003/04/28 at 1:47 pm

    The worst part about packing and moving is all the boxes of “Misc.” Misc. really sucks because the only thing more irritating than trying to pack Misc. is trying to unpack it, especially if you’re like me and the majority of your boxes say Misc.

  • Jodi

    2003/04/28 at 3:12 pm

    Arts and Crafts bungalow. Is that the kind made out of popsicle sticks and Elmer’s Glue-All?

  • dayment

    2003/04/28 at 3:20 pm

    Don’t forget – pack the tp last, and open the tp first.
    Happy New House!!

  • Dyane

    2003/04/28 at 3:37 pm

    Hey, I like it!! Congratulations!!


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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