the smell of my desperation has become a stench


I was actually going to write a post about the comments I’m inevitably going to get now that I’m pregnant from people who think that my website should be a place for them to live out their wild and drunken fantasies, people who have come here and said before that marriage and moving to Utah and life itself has tamed me, people who are frustrated that I don’t talk about lesbian sex anymore, and I made up this comment earlier today and sent it to a friend in an email:

“Dooce, babe, I’m sorry but you’ve totally lost it. I remember when you were a hip young thing in LA rubbing elbows with celebrities and getting drunk and shit. You’ve totally lost your edge. It can’t be marriage, because I’m married and I’m still the coolest person ever. I’m totally bored with you now. Bye, bye.”

You know the comments, they’ve been left here before. And they never leave a valid email address or website, or use their real name.

And then someone today left this gem, anonymous and with no email address, almost WORD FOR WORD like the one I made up. Amazing!

“Congrats, but I must say – I’ve found I’m pretty much done with this site. Nothing personal, but we’re a long way from the shit talkin, booze drinking, running into stars, getting fired from her job, Dooce. Now it’s just puppies, babies, and Martha Stewart. Hello LifetimeTV. Don’t say, ‘well don’t read it then!’ Because I won’t – it’s just that it was at one time exciting, hip and cutting edge. I wish you the best Dooce and Blurb, but I think it’s time I sailed into the sunset. Yeah I know, you’re saying ‘good riddence.'”

The thing is, I’m totally not saying good riddance. I’m saying, BELIEVE ME, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY.

  • get back to work Jim

    2003/06/11 at 2:35 pm

    I thought that poster was a real cunt!

    And it feels good to be #1.

  • the mighty jimbo

    2003/06/11 at 2:35 pm

    hoo boy! that kid is gonna have quite a vocabulary.

    anyone wanna place bets on the first word?

  • elissa

    2003/06/11 at 2:36 pm

    i still find you fascinating 🙂

  • sales leads

    2003/06/11 at 2:46 pm

    I like your posts too.

  • Jeff

    2003/06/11 at 2:48 pm

    I’m willing to believe you’ll stay hep, but… You realize when this kid rebels, raised as he/she will be by whiskey-swilling badass heathens, there’s decent odds the rebellion will come in the form of Mormon-fueled young Republicanism? Sheesh.

  • eddo

    2003/06/11 at 2:49 pm

    What the Devil? I mean really, what is so AMAZING about their life? Where is their super website with tons of cool pics and entertaining banter about everything and nothing? Apparently, if they were coming here, then they were living vicariously through you anyway, and then the baby thing freaked them out because they just couldn’t see theirself having a kid. What a LAMO!!

    I’ve said it before- WE LOVE THE DOOCE!

  • essie

    2003/06/11 at 3:06 pm

    Grrrr, argh, pffft, pllrrbbb…sigh. I don’t know which onomatopoeic (had to look that puppy up and it looks like technically I’m using it wrong) word to pick, but poo with knobs on to the self-righteous, unbearably cool people. Plain old life can be interesting and seeing a slice of dooce’s life through her eyes is fascinating and fun, because whatever it is, it won’t be plain old. And truly, woe be the person who crosses the nauseous, hormonal pregnant lady.

  • christine

    2003/06/11 at 3:09 pm

    Dooce… I, for one, will continue to read your stories because no matter where your life takes you, you will always be younger and hipper than I am. 😀

  • Kate D.

    2003/06/11 at 3:12 pm

    I’ve only been reading this site for, like, two months. I know what it’s like to live in LA, hob-knob with famous people, drink large amounts of alcohol and I find that stuff all pretty dull. What I find exciting is people growing and changing. Finding love, buying a house, having kids. That’s real life. The other stuff is just what you do while you figure out what life is. I’ve never posted a comment before…never felt the need…but you’re anonymous poster is an idiot and will either wake up one day sad and alone or married with a dog, a house and a kid on the way. Either way they’ll end up disappointed with what their life became. Congradulations on the baby. I hope it’s a healthy and happy one. Remember, if the parents are happy, the kids are sure to be. Best of luck. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your life. It gives me something better to do at work…other than work.

  • Kate

    2003/06/11 at 3:14 pm

    People are stupid. The end.

  • Daniel Hoarwitz

    2003/06/11 at 3:14 pm

    Life is about change if you can do it and we can’t too bad for us.
    – Daniel

  • Lorelei

    2003/06/11 at 3:40 pm

    I didn’t even know you were pregnant. Durrr. Well, congratulations on that. I’ll keep reading your site.

  • Kayjay

    2003/06/11 at 3:44 pm

    I am still mystified that people actually take he time to write and send messages ike that. If I get board reading a blog I used to like, I just stop reading it. No one makes you type in a URL, or forces you to look at the screen, and it doesn’t make one bit of difference whether you read it or not, as far as the blogger is concerned. So why make a big, snotty production of it? It makes me think of grade school, walking up to someone with the “I’m not your friend/I’m not speaking to you” bit. I don’t get it.

  • Fox

    2003/06/11 at 3:52 pm

    The thing is, it’s the writing, not the subject matter, that keeps me (and most others, I would guess) coming back. (Which isn’t to say that reading about Hollywood fools, and lesbian sex isn’t fun.)

    It’s difficult not to take comments like that to heart, but it’s really just not worth it. Cowardly readers/commentors just don’t deserve a second thought.

    Anyway, you know how supportive most of your readers are. While that can be just as annoying, it’s a lot nicer than the few jerks out there.

  • mike.c.

    2003/06/11 at 3:55 pm

    mean people suck.

  • Xanthan

    2003/06/11 at 4:02 pm

    Being cool is is for people who can’t handle raising kids!

  • Ryan

    2003/06/11 at 4:06 pm

    Change is inevitable. I’m not going anywhere.

  • zak

    2003/06/11 at 4:16 pm

    You can never please everyone. If you were still living in LA and rubbing elbows with the beautiful people then the comments would be ‘all you ever do is go out and get drunk and oogle celebs’.

    Hello. People. Its called growing up. People evolve.

  • estella

    2003/06/11 at 4:17 pm

    YOU ROCK. That same idiot had the balls to then come to MY site and leave bullshit messages in MY comments for telling him here that he was an idiot. Of course there was no email or website. If you’re going to bring it, BRING IT WITH YOUR EMAIL, ASS.

  • joy

    2003/06/11 at 4:17 pm

    Heather, I’d cover your back anytime. Hormone some more. Did I spell that right?

  • estella

    2003/06/11 at 4:20 pm

    Hey, and how sweet is that Kate D.? Pret-ty sweet.

  • Karin

    2003/06/11 at 4:35 pm

    I would venture a guess that the anonymoid who left that asinine comment has never encountered a hormonal pregnant woman before, or s/he would have known better than to piss one off.

    Anything is cool as long as it’s written about well, and so I think qualifies, in spades.

  • Lorie

    2003/06/11 at 4:45 pm

    wow i dont even know you and I’m damn excited! Congrats and a big FOOK YOU to that big stink. Why even mention they would stop coming here in the first place.. like you’d give a rat’s ass. Man, what a crack up 😀

  • bruce

    2003/06/11 at 4:48 pm

    Just ignore the goddam boneheads. Motherhood and and being a badass aren’t mutually exclusive.
    Poop on ’em and keep up the good work.

  • louisegyrl

    2003/06/11 at 4:58 pm

    and so what – your life has calmed down a bit – that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still interesting.
    it’s the real life stuff (like Kate D. said) that is really interesting anyway. keep writing – keep growing and changing – and good luck with motherhood!!!

  • Honey Bear

    2003/06/11 at 5:15 pm

    Here is a little word of wisdom from your friend Honey Bear. Honey Bear loves to eat honey, but every now and then he get stung by some upset bee because Honey Bear is hungry and eating all the bee’s honey. But you know what, that fuckin bee IS A GODDAMN BITCH, AND I SQUASH THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN WITH THE VENGENCE, MAN!. Shit, what the was I talkin about? Anyhow, the Honey Bear thinks some people with an opinion should sometimes JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP and CHOKE ON THEIR VOMIT. Seriously, though, fuck those detractors and tell them to step off before you lay a beating on them that their momma won’t forget.

  • that gay guy

    2003/06/11 at 5:43 pm

    i’ll bet $50 on “motherfucker”

    for the first word, of course

  • posterboy

    2003/06/11 at 5:50 pm

    I’ve spent the past several years watching you transition from elbow rubbing with stars dooce to martha dooce stewart. And I still love you as much today as the day I started reading. Dooce will always will be #1 in my bookmarks.

  • Kimberly

    2003/06/11 at 5:51 pm

    Sweety, being married and starting a family doesn’t make you uncool…not knowing when to grow up is and anyone who can’t be happy for you is a jackass! Your wit and style is impressive and I would trade a hang over for morning sickness any day! You will be a kick ass mom and still a kick ass partier when the time is right! Don’t give up on us cause we wont give up on you!

  • TS

    2003/06/11 at 5:58 pm

    like YOU of all people are worried about stupid opinions.

    Like my momma always tells me…”the opinions of worthless people are worthless.”

    Fuck ’em.

    It’s not your surroundings that made you cool in the blog world. It’s your fantastic writing style. It’s your incredible wit. It’s your outstanding grasp of the english language.

    Only you could make Utah look cool and hip.

    Once again. Congratulations! :o)

  • melly mel

    2003/06/11 at 6:10 pm

    Seriously Dooce. Shame on you for having an honest, evolving, and still entertaining life. Shame on you for growing up and finding a life that you’re happy with. Shame on you for falling in love and settling down with your soul mate and reprodooce-ing. You are so fucking selfish.

  • Brandi

    2003/06/11 at 6:13 pm

    Dooce, First off congrats! I’m so happy for you! Second opinions are like assholes everyone has one some just stink more than others.
    I love coming to your site it’s different than others and very enjoyable don’t stop, this world needs more people like you.

  • leandra

    2003/06/11 at 6:22 pm

    Since I read yesterday’s entry today, I’m a bit behind… Congratulations on the new edition. 😉

  • Vera

    2003/06/11 at 6:25 pm

    I feel the exact opposite from that insensitive anonymous poster. The first thing that came to my mind when I found out you were pregnant was “Just think of all the scandalous new fodder for blogging!” I personally CANNOT wait to read your lengthy, overly exaggerated posts with titles such as “20 reasons why I think a pregnancy should last three months instead of nine,” “And this is why I will never allow my stepfather to come within five feet of the offspring again,” “Sometimes babies stink,” etc. Because yes, as others have pointed out, it is the writing and the wit we come here for. We all have seen that no matter how quotidian the subject, Dooce can make it oh-so-fun.

  • Carla Beth

    2003/06/11 at 6:46 pm

    The beauty of the boards is posting our personal reactions to what Dooce writes. While I feel what the poster in question POSTED was rather narrow, I respect what they are saying. Too bad the CONGRATS posts were pulled down so darn soon. That was a wonderful outlet for all of the fans, even for those who dare to express contrary opinions. And to be honest, had I encountered this site back in the heavy BOOZE and CELEB days, I wouldn’t have stuck around. That’s not my scene. What everyone is saying about the evolution of this blog is just fantastically SPOT-ON, though, and it’s a gorgeous thing. :o)

  • broch

    2003/06/11 at 6:50 pm

    Dooce, Ill make you a deal… You keep writing and Ill keep reading, sound good?

  • betty

    2003/06/11 at 7:13 pm

    you know what’s funny? she is SO going to still read your site.

    congrats. you are seriously rad.

  • ada

    2003/06/11 at 7:35 pm


    i know what you mean about the whole pregnancy-must-mean-i-love-martha crap.

    i have a 8 month old, i don’t like martha, and i still get stoned when the moment presents itself

    motherhood is amazing

  • Benjy

    2003/06/11 at 7:37 pm

    I’m still along for the ride… so long as it doesn’t involve a minivan.

  • aibee

    2003/06/11 at 7:49 pm

    I’ve just found your blog, and while finding during your gettingshitfacedandoglingcelebs years would have been interesting, meeting you now when you’re having a baby…wow, just wow.

    In conclusion, this anonymous nimrod should go suck an egg. The end.


    2003/06/11 at 7:57 pm

    What a bitch. Thats all I have to say.

  • Michele

    2003/06/11 at 8:05 pm

    LOL@because they’ll be back, they always are…like a pyro to a flame…

  • Adam

    2003/06/11 at 8:47 pm

    There we go! I knew a clever trap like that would arise some deep anger within you!

  • just me

    2003/06/11 at 9:02 pm

    Post #6 by eddo (as well as just about every other positive message) was exactly what I was going to say. Your content is great…ALWAYS, and your writting is wonderful. Your sentences draw me in. Especially…”BELIEVE ME MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON‘T WANT TO MESS WITH HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY.”

    But to that person who left the message about no longer reading, I think it’s all from being jealous of you and angry that:

    1) Their life is completely boring.
    2) They lack ambition to reverse the above.
    3) They could never express daily activities the way you can through your writting.

    So, because you had the perfect words for what you were thinking about his/her lovely message, I am completely willing to go with the first…

    “good riddence”

    Your life is better without his/her eyes scanning across your halarious, touching, truthful lines!

    Because, well, that person don’t deserve to read your things.

    And, then again, maybe I don’t either…? I mean, I am a stranger who stumbled across your site. But still…Just know I love your writting and wish you all the best with this new chapter in your life…

    Take care.

    ~Melissa #200-something

  • just me

    2003/06/11 at 9:05 pm

    P.S. I wanted to apologize for that last post being so long! I looked and was like, “Damn, I took up a lot of room with that…”

  • Sarae

    2003/06/11 at 9:26 pm

    But… what’s wrong with puppies, babies and Martha Stewart?

  • denise

    2003/06/11 at 9:36 pm

    i haven’t left a comment here before but i have to say that the appearance of “honey bear” as a poster has brought joy to my heart.

  • Katie

    2003/06/11 at 9:42 pm

    What is wrong with these fucking people? Do they have not have lives??

  • sabrina

    2003/06/11 at 9:42 pm

    anonymous posters are the BEST. The douchebag that posted the anonymous comment is undoubtedly still reading and probably sitting there in his pee-stained tighty-whities getting off on all the inadvertant attention. You have a cult-like following, so don’t sweat it. The beauty of it is that you are one of the few people who can find the humor in and entertain the masses with things like puppies, babies, and martha stewart.

  • dvl

    2003/06/11 at 10:03 pm

    be all the bitch you can be, baby. 🙂

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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