This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Crazy Peeing Pregnant Lady

While I was totally prepared for the onset of nausea and fatigue and bloating and complete emotional instability, the one thing I didn’t know would happen during the early stages of pregnancy was that my bladder would spontaneously sprout its own holding tank, a reservoir of piss, if you will, so that God forbid I should ever run out of pee at any given time I’ll have at least a spare gallon standing by.

Going to the bathroom allows me about 30 seconds of relief, 30 magical, beautiful seconds of feeling like I don’t have to pee, and then once that 31st second rolls around my bladder starts billowing with the urge, urge, urge to pee. Given the era of technological innovation we live in, it’s not terribly inconvenient for me to sit on the toilet all day long, as I have a laptop, a wireless internet connection, and not one shred of dignity. However, venturing outside of the house is entirely troublesome as being any farther than an arm’s length away from a bathroom triggers a battle of wills: my will vs. my bladder’s will, and anyone who has ever challenged the will of an internal organ just trying to do its job knows RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

So basically when I’m at home I’m peeing and when I’m away from home I’m thinking about trying not to think about peeing. And I find myself talking about peeing, and dreaming about peeing (which is usually followed directly by me stumbling out of bed, running into a wall or two, and stubbing a toe on a door as I haul TOTAL ASS to the bathroom in the middle of the night, bursting at the seams with pee), and asking complete strangers if they’ve ever struggled with the whole “pee thing.” And I totally say “pee thing” while making those annoying quote gestures with my hands because quote gestures seem to make it okay to talk about anything, like have you ever had one of those “oozing bladder infections” or what were your “vaginal secretions” like when you were ovulating?

Perhaps the worst thing about this condition is the fact that if I were to flush the toilet EVERY SINGLE time I went pee, I would use the entire Salt Lake County portion of this year’s water ration within the first two hours. So I flush every four or five times, which still means I’m flushing 10 times an hour. And I just know that I’m going to be personally responsible when the state government mandates that you can only water your yard one day a week, but what can I do? I’m Crazy Peeing Pregnant Lady.

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