An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation


I was actually going to write a post about the comments I’m inevitably going to get now that I’m pregnant from people who think that my website should be a place for them to live out their wild and drunken fantasies, people who have come here and said before that marriage and moving to Utah and life itself has tamed me, people who are frustrated that I don’t talk about lesbian sex anymore, and I made up this comment earlier today and sent it to a friend in an email:

“Dooce, babe, I’m sorry but you’ve totally lost it. I remember when you were a hip young thing in LA rubbing elbows with celebrities and getting drunk and shit. You’ve totally lost your edge. It can’t be marriage, because I’m married and I’m still the coolest person ever. I’m totally bored with you now. Bye, bye.”

You know the comments, they’ve been left here before. And they never leave a valid email address or website, or use their real name.

And then someone today left this gem, anonymous and with no email address, almost WORD FOR WORD like the one I made up. Amazing!

“Congrats, but I must say – I’ve found I’m pretty much done with this site. Nothing personal, but we’re a long way from the shit talkin, booze drinking, running into stars, getting fired from her job, Dooce. Now it’s just puppies, babies, and Martha Stewart. Hello LifetimeTV. Don’t say, ‘well don’t read it then!’ Because I won’t – it’s just that it was at one time exciting, hip and cutting edge. I wish you the best Dooce and Blurb, but I think it’s time I sailed into the sunset. Yeah I know, you’re saying ‘good riddence.'”

The thing is, I’m totally not saying good riddance. I’m saying, BELIEVE ME, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH HORMONAL PREGNANT LADY.

  • zchamu

    Maybe in 2008 someone will come out with a documentary. “Dooce: The Early Years”, featuring stories about asian database administrators and poop. Then they’ll come out with a followup that talks about Chuck and living in the rent’s basement, and that’ll be like the “transitional” phase into Dooce Phase Three: Anklebiting Terroristas. There’s enough material for a whole college course here.

  • I feel like I should apologize to you…because I think I’ll actually enjoy you more now that you are a married homeowner, now that you’re a hormonal pregnant lady…and if you think you’re hormonal now, just wait until you’re post partum.

    I think it’ll be a riot…but I’m not sure if that actually makes you feel better…because pretty much I’m anxious to see you become me, only funnier, cuter and more exciting.

  • ~Angel

    I’ll bet $50 dollars on the first word being shit. Since, motherfucker is WAAY too hard for a baby to say.

    And in regards to the anonymous poster, really grow the fuck up.

  • Crumpet


    Thing that really scares me, more than dorky people and dorky postings, is the Utah Baby Namer.

    Welcome, dear Antrim Zeezrom or Cajun Rayne!!!!

  • So anyway this is a comment about your site in general and not this post in specific, hope that’s cool. Try as I might I’ve been influenced by your writing style AGAIN and am using the all caps thing for emphasis. It’s good let me tell you.

  • Mervis

    “If you want to be wild in your art, you must be bourgeois in your life.”
    Gustave Flaubert

  • elainepill

    it’s fun to be young and wild, but that poster need to realize that everyone has to grow up at some point.
    having just had a baby 18 months ago, i have to add that parenthood is great-wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.
    congrats to you and yours dooce. i, for one, plan to keep on reading your site.

  • I have to say that one of the greatest things about your site is reading all of the comments. Such a cool group of people that hang out here. Keeps me coming back several times a day! (the only other website that could ever do that for me was ebay, when I was into that auction stuff!)

    And I only have ONE bit of pregnancy advice for you. Kegels, kegels, and more kegels. I also might add that they are good for more than just delivering a baby. here’s a fun link…

  • elainepill

    ps-just wait until you come to the realization that the words ‘due date’ are a big sham cooked up by OB’s to keep pregnant women happy. they have absolutely no more idea than you as to when that baby is going to come out.

  • Clubfoot

    Lesbian sex? LESBIAN SEX? I missed that!I always wondered, given your facination with Britney and all. Oh well, good luck on the whole baby thing. And, just like Arnold, I’ll be back!

  • Danika

    That annonymous ass probably was hoping for the attention of everyone talking about him/her.

    Anyway I’ll keep reading. 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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