Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

leta.typepad.com

Over the weekend I put all of Leta’s 0-3 month clothing into labeled boxes and stored them away in the basement where they will remain until we have another baby — HA! ANOTHER BABY? The logistics of more than one TOTALLY BOGGLE MY MIND — and it was one of the saddest endeavors I have ever been a part of. She will never be able to wear those clothes again, and as I folded each nightgown into a box my heart broke just thinking about how much money her father and I will be spending on clothes in the next 18 years. And I suddenly realized, HOLY HELL, this baby will one day turn into a teenager, and why didn’t anyone tell me?

How about we go from toddlerhood straight to self-sufficiency and bypass all the bad hair and braces and lessons in menstruation and endless nights of crying because her boobs aren’t big enough?

And what if she wants to have her own weblog? I HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. Dear God, the internet isn’t big enough for the both of us, and I can totally see her getting kicked out of school because she’s written stories about her teachers, and what would I say? I would say If you’re going to write stories about your teachers at least make them unrecognizable, for crying out loud! And then we would go shopping for a padded bra.

And what happens when she finds this site? Or worse, when her friends find this site and tell her that her mother once talked about throwing her out the window? I WAS KIDDING, LETA! I wouldn’t really throw you out the window! I might pull your toes until you scream, but the window thing . . . a JOKE! And that time I called you a frog, I meant that lovingly. Frogs are cool! I love frogs!

Now that she’s wearing clothing from Big & Tall I don’t dress her in as many frilly outfits as I did when she was little. She’s more mature than that now, and so she’s wearing more long pants and sophisticated onesies, all with less lace and no more bows. We are not bow people, we Armstrongs, and I would rather leave her naked than put a bow in her non-existent hair. Really, is there anything more frightening than a bow on a bald head? WHAT IS IT DOING THERE except making your baby look like a PIN CUSHION?

Jon has made me promise that I will never take Leta out in public with bare feet because apparently nothing screams NEGLECT! more than a sockless baby. It’s not like I’m struggling with deep and unresolved sock issues, I just don’t see why she always has to wear socks when she’s not even using her feet. But I’m also the type of mother who would rather put tin foil in the windows to keep out the light than buy a proper set of blinds, and OH MY GOD what my kid is going to say about me on her website.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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