A List of Things I Need to Get Done That Probably Won’t Get Done Because I’m a Stressed Out and Overwhelmed Mess of a Flake

1. Clean out the basement of all our collected and useless detritus so that when Heather and Maggie come to visit they don’t flee in horror at being unknowingly lured onto the set of “Sanford and Son.”

2. Pluck my eyebrows, they are scaring the children.

3. Thank Kahli for the “Bite Me” t-shirt she sent to Leta from Australia and tell her that yes, we’re on for dinner on the 26th.

4. Thank the women who sent me the onesie that says, “My Mom says it’s okay if I’m Gay.” Next time Grandmommie babysits Leta and takes her to Church she will be wearing that and a trucker hat that says, “I tore Mommy a new one.”

5. Tell Corrine that I have not yet received the carrier, but that’s because I don’t check my mailbox that often. I don’t change out of my pajamas that often, either.

6. Tell Nicole that I did receive the poop tea but that I haven’t yet tried it, but that I love leaving it on the coffee table and watching people try and not to look at the box.

7. Thank the Wines family for sending Leta the Frog pajamas, which couldn’t have come sooner since, um, last time we bought her pajamas that fit was six months ago. Oops.

8. Thank everyone who has supported this website through PayPal and Amazon donations. If my mother-in-law knew just how bad I am at writing thank you notes she would never again write out a place-card for me at Dress-Up Christmas Eve Dinner. Thank you to all who have supported me.

9. Clean the wooden floors so that Leta stops racing over to a wad of dog hair and shoving it into her mouth, only to look at me like, “WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY MOUTH?”

10. Tell Michelle Hood, a fellow graduate from my high school, that I loved her email that she wrote while tipsy on red wine. Red wine emails are emails of righteousness.

11. Tell all fellow “Project Runway” devotees that by God, I hope Jay wins. His “Hodee Klum” blooper was the highlight of the series.

12. Try and remember all the other stuff I need to remember to do while Leta sits in the middle of the living room floor and screeches like a Middle-Earth Nazgul.