the smell of my desperation has become a stench

In which I don’t discuss the size of anyone’s pecker

Saturday afternoon after spending hours outside plucking the dandelions out of the yard and flower bed Leta and I rested on the concrete porch sipping soda and shooting the shit. The last part of that sentence was written because I am an alliteration whore.

After finishing the soda which was packaged in a lovely glass bottle I tried to entertain Leta by humming into the top of the bottle to make a low, whistling noise. Alas, just because you’re talented in the blowing of other certain things does not necessarily make you a good blower of a soda bottle. I couldn’t produce a single note, just a dull, hollow warble.

“Giver it here,” Jon commanded. He was standing nearby assembling a fertilizer spreader, a rather sexy endeavor to behold I must say. And with one curling of his lips he blew a whistle into the bottle and it hummed like the belly of a volcano.

“Goddamn you! I knew you’d know how to do it.” His talents are maddening. “Did they teach you that on the bookmobile?”

“Don’t dis the bookmobile, Heather.”

The following morning I got an email (hi, d!) saying that I was “the Peckinpah of the print world.” Being the learned English major that I am I had no idea what that meant. Was this person comparing me to a pecker? Did I peck? Did I pah?

So, of course, I asked Jon if he had any idea what Peckinpah was. Was it a disease? A cuisine? A topical ointment? “Sam Peckinpah was a director and he made these really bloody, almost profane films,” he answered as if he were totally expecting that exact question.

Oh. Yeah. I forgot. BOOK FUCKING MOBILE.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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