the smell of my desperation has become a stench

It will come with a money back guarantee

I call dibs on the patent for a hair barrette that when touched by the child whose hair it is pulling back from the forehead SHOCKS the child’s hand and gives her a mild, cautionary concussion.

This afternoon while refusing to take a second nap such a child jerked a barrette out of her hair and FLUNG IT AGAINST THE WALL causing a bink, bink noise to echo through the monitor into every room of the house as the barrette hit the wall and then fell to the hardwood floor.

I will be my first customer.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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