This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, long overdue edition

To set the tone for this installment I think it’s safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint out of his belly button and then feeding it to his fish.

First up, one from Kent:

I have no interest in popular things, and find that people who like popular things are lame. But I was so bored one day that I had no choice but to click over and read your website. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but why do you think it is so interesting to balance things on your dog’s head? It is not interesting. In fact, it’s dumb. And stupid. I’ve never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life.

So, if I’m reading that one correctly, Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine. I was not aware that it was necessary to have an opinion on that subject, and have somehow lived my life not knowing that I had to take sides. This makes me sad when I consider all those hours I could have spent staring angrily at photos of dogs with blenders on their heads, when instead I just turned off my computer and walked away.

This next one is from Alana:

I read about you letting your daughter eat her own hair. You must dissuade her from doing this. Why are you not stopping her? Oh, that’s right, that would require actual parenting and stuff.

Oh wait, this is called parenting? Because when they sent me home from the hospital with a baby I thought they said, “Have fun partying!”

Reader Krista also had some interesting advice:

Leta has inherited a very large forehead from you. You shouldn’t pull her hair back so far as it only accentuates the 5-head. Letting her hair down is far more flattering and might keep kids from picking on her about it when she gets older.

Do you think that when Krista masturbates she’s lying there thinking about her organized collection of Waterford Crystal, how it sits perfectly in a glass cabinet in the foyer and she never lets her husband touch it? Because that makes me so hot just thinking about it.

Here’s a thoughtful letter from a reader named Ashlee:

I went to your site today and I think it really stinx. Your really bad at writing. and being a good person. and u cant even teach you kid how to act like a normal person. And your really not civelized at all. Stop being a lazy ass women who takes up space and get a real job why dont u get a real job!!! your really gay. I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house and guess what! i live far away in cali. u dont even worship god. and pray and stop dissing mormons. and ppl who ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE RITE THING. CUZ YOUR GUNNA ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID,,,
luv ashlee NOT,,,,, cuz I dont luv you,, I HATE YOU and I want u to answer to this or else our a lame. pathetic pussy,

That collection of commas almost gave me a seizure, because I kept pausing, and then just when I thought it was time to stop pausing I had to pause again. I don’t appreciate being teased like that.

Also do you get the feeling that while Ahslee was writing this email she was all, “THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years.”

This next one is from Agnes:

Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn’t make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.

Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren’t total douchebags. And it’s so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman who had fallen to the ground, he’d surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.

A reader named Nomen writes:

What’s amazing to me is that with all of your history of mental illness and your problems with parenting that you would even consider having another child.

What miracle will happen that will make a new child perfect enough for you not to hate it??

What miracle will happen that will make you a sane mother??

None.

Go have yourself another drink and double your prescription for birth control pills.

Oh, I forgot. You make money off of the kid you have.

That’s a good reason for having another one, I suppose, if you’re you and fucking insane.

Do the world a favor and don’t bring a child into the world knowing it will be mentally ill and mentally handicapped as you are.

Well, this one seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? And I know that many of you out there have identified with this website because of the struggles that I went through after Leta was born, and if someone said something like this to you it would infuriate you, and I can understand wanting to feel that way. And if anyone ever does say something like this to you here’s what you need to remember: the person who wrote this email is no different than the old lady standing in line behind you at the supermarket, the one who smells like moth balls, and she’s peering into your shopping cart trying to see what you’re buying, and when she sees that you’ve got a frozen TV dinner in there she’s making all sorts of judgments about you and assuming that in your free time you download porn. Using a stolen credit card.

And if you stick around to watch her pay for her food and walk to her car you’d see her muttering to herself under her breath the entire time, and almost all of those mutters would be punctuated with multiple exclamation points and question marks, and by the time she gets the keys out to unlock the door her orange nylons have pooled into doughnuts around her ankles. And you’d feel sorry for her knowing that she’s going home to an empty house and will probably fall asleep watching an episode of “Deal or No Deal.” And you’d kind of just want to give her a hug.

Next up, one from someone who calls himself sb700:

I think you are the autistic one in your family!!!

Translation: “My mom grounded me and won’t let me play Wii!!!” And he’s down there in his basement bedroom in his “DON’T HASSEL THE HOFF” tee shirt wiping the goo from a zit on his pillow. Because no one is there to notice.

  • Sacha

    You make me smile.

  • TheHans

    Wow. The hatred…it burns. Keep on pissing off the masses – sucks you have to read this sh*t, but your humor in the face of this crap is a testament to your awesomeness. Go, Dooce!

  • Inggrid

    Brava. Just — brava. :’)

  • I am amazed at the mean people who crawl out from under their rocks to take a shot at you. You do a great job at shaking off their venom. Go Dooce!

  • Joanie

    Heather,
    I have read your blog for a long time and have never posted a comment…It is no wonder that you often don’t open up comments with all the wack jobs out in this world.
    Congratulations on all of your awards.

  • Wow, this must be the “harsh edition.”

  • Oh hell yes…. this is what I needed today.

    Since I don’t have the balls to respond to my angry readers in this way, could I borrow yours?

  • Tess

    After reading your thoughts on the old lady in the grocery with the orange stockings, I had this whole menopausal moment and thought WTF….and had to go back and re-read what Nomen said. Seriously, that one needs to be locked up.

  • Good lord. Who are these people with nothing better to do than cast hurtful language about? I mean, granted, I have nothing better to do that read other peoples’ blog comments, which, I realize, doesn’t bode well for my contributions to society, but still.

    I was especially interested in the comment about the alleged 5-head. I’m familiar with the moniker, see, because one of my classmates used to tell me that he could land a plane/do his algebra homework on my forehead.

    Somehow I turned out ok.

  • arrrrghhhhhh…

    And Kent is a dink.

  • Liz

    I was just introduced to this site by a good friend of mine, and let me just say – you’re fucking awesome. Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL!! And at the risk of sounding like a high schooler, I think the haters are just jealous. I hope they enjoy their WIFI as they slowly fuse into that almighty toilet seat, and I hope they find joy in keeping tabs on Howie Mandel’s shiny head is during this week’s exciting episode of “Deal or No Deal.” Keep on keeping on – you’re fabulous.

  • jackr

    It just makes me so PROUD to be a member of the Internet Generation, when I see someone like you, who has the courage even to *try* to make such people look even more ridiculous than they themselves have already done.

  • Kym

    Oh my gosh – I can’t believe people – and I call them people very loosely -who would write such hateful and stupid mean things to you! I enjoy your blog and you just keep on writing what you feel. As a parent, as well as just plain old human beings, we are all just finding our way – stumbling mostly, but also getting it right a lot of times. My kids are teenagers now and you can bet I think I could’ve done things differently, about choices I made for them, made for myself, but you know what – they’ve turned out pretty darn good. You keep searching, and writing, and screwing up – cos basically, you aren’t doing too bad with life.

    Now then, WHY do these people read your blog if they are so contemptuous?

    BTW, Leta has the most beautiful soulful eyes – I’ve never noticed a high forehead and you can post photos of your dogs anytime. And I kept thinking I was going to get virtual bonked in the head with those 10 foot arms of your in the dance video! (I laughed so hard!) There are plenty of boring blogs out there to read about a whole lotta perfect nothing. You are a breath of fresh air…Keep it up!

  • Like you I suffered from a missed miscarriage in May ’06. I guess there are many of us ‘thumbing our nose at God’.

    Screw Agnes.

    You have my condolences Heather.

  • Brooke

    You are great!!! You make me smile everyday.

  • WHOOOO I LOVE THIS BLOG! And my boyfriend is probably sick of me always talking about it!

    Thanks for making my day…every day.

  • i love when people think that you actually want their opinions or that you might read one of their offbase remarks and go “hmmm…you’re right sir. i should never have kids” because that’s what we all do you know, take the opinions of people who have nothing to do with our lives and make it a reality.
    sigh.
    your writing always makes me smile for what it’s worth.

  • Kristy

    Wow, I don’t know what those people are thinking…I love your website. I am addicted to it! Ever since I read the article about you in the newspaper about getting fired and all that…I checked out your website and have been on here everyday since! So keep it up!!

  • Gill

    Wow there are some seriously sick puppies out there…

  • Trina

    I love the “Don’t hassle the hoff” t-shirt comment. Where can I get one?

    P.S. In a totally non-gay way, I adore you!13

  • Rachel Bohall

    I fucking love your page, it makes me laugh every time I come here. Then again, I think balancing stuff on animals heads is hilarious, and I have a huge forehead too, so maybe I’m just biased…LOL

  • I love you. And your blog. And Leta and Jon. And your dogs. And your insight. And how often you get me through another day.

  • Ugh, I wish we could all chip in and hire you an assistant to screen email for you. It would be win-win: less exposure to rank, illiterate negativity and more free time to spend autistically thumbing your nose at God…

  • Lisame

    Nothing but Love!

  • Dan

    Yowza! There really are some twisted people out there. I don’t think I’d have the patience to deal with them in the manner in which you have.

    Then again, maybe you should try to be a better writer like Ashlee. She’s got that whole grammar thing down. Unfortunately, she also seems to be abusing an Oxy prescription.

  • mean people suck. but if we didn’t have them, we wouldn’t have a launching point from which to measure your awesomeness…

    in agreement with sacha, you make me smile as well.

  • Kelly

    I have no actual comment just a collection of gestures, sighs and eye rolls as I read each comment. Damn here comes another one (head thunks down onto desk followed by deep sigh.

  • Krista (Not the a-hole quoted in this entry)

    My favorite thing is when the harshest, rudest, most asshole-ish people in the world claim to be “Christian.” Give me a fucking break!

  • Lauren

    I stumbled across your blog about two months ago and have been hooked ever since. I re-read some of your archives after you mentioned/linked topics about depression because I too have suffered from depression, and I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I am about to get married, and one day if I’m lucky enough to have children I hope I can be half as cool of a mom as you seem to be with Leta. You have been through so much with your post-partum, and it is obvious there has never been a moment you didn’t stop loving her. Thank you so much for documenting everything you’ve been through- you are truely a survivor and such an inspiration. 🙂

  • People stink.

  • Sarafina

    I cannot imagine ever sending any messages as hateful as these to anyone. I guess I’m naive because I can’t imagine the kind of person who would.

    Congratulations to you for being able to laugh about it.

  • 23 comments so far, and by the time I post this there’ll be 43. With a readership like that you can afford to be just anything you darn well please. Go Heather!

  • Do you ever suspect that people are sending you some of these more bizarre emails the way that people audition for American Idol knowing that they don’t have an ounce of talent in their entire body? Your hate mail just gets more deranged-sounding every time.

  • I love these posts. Your reactions to such disgusting remarks are so composed and funny, I could never be that charming to someone that despicable. You rock, Heather.

  • Lesley

    I’m sorry that people write this stuff to you, but reading it CRACKS me up. How does what you write and how you live affect them? I love your blog, it is real, I am a mom and know how it is!! Keep it up.
    I’d love to meet Ashlee, just to see her. Then to mock her, of course.

  • I do think you get the harshest emails of the entire Internet. I hope the people who wrote them are reading your responses!

  • Stephanie

    Agnes seems like a real gem… Those bumper stickers that say “Jesus loves you, but I think you are an asshole” were crafted just for the likes of her.

    Sorry your world is full of a-holes (and I’m not just talking about Coco wanting to disco dance early in the morning.)

  • How are these people even allowed access to a computer?

    BTW, my wife and I were walking down the street the other day and I said, “hey, that girl looks just like Leta.” She agreed without even asking what the hell I was talking about.

    Is that weird?

  • Why do you incite such passion from strangers? All I feel when i read your site is humor and jealousy. Jealousy because i don’t have your life. Or your photo talents…and my dog won’t balance anything anywhere.

  • Holy Cow! As an English teacher I especially enjoyed Ashlee’s comments. It is similar to when my students write on my end of semester reviews “She be the best english teacher i had”. It just makes me want to explode with pride.

    And in an effort to somehow counter-balance the rank that has infused your email box let me just say Love, Hugs, Kisses, Best Wishes, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Twinkies, Lemonade, Clean Drawers, Sunshine and Soap. You know, good stuff.

    Keep on, Keepin’ on Heather!!

  • Laura

    I get some sick pleasure from your sarcastic responses to those awful people that send you shitty emails. Thanks Heather! You make my workday tolerable!

  • The audacity (and outright unintelligence) of some people continues to baffle me. And your sense of humor and seeming nonchalance toward it inspire me to relax, laugh at their misfortunes and move on.

    Clearly, you’re awesome.

  • Laura

    Oh my gosh, these letters were so hateful. You are right, these people go home pick at their zits and wipe them on their pillow because nobody is there to see them or care about them. Your writing is awesome Heather and I check everyday for a new post.

  • You’re real, you have an amazing writing voice and I love reading this blog every single day.

    Don’t. Ever. Stop.

  • karla

    heather,

    you rock!

    whatever happened to “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? sheesh.

    it just goes to show that whenever someone spouts offs it’s a reflection of them.

    thanks for sharing these. mean people suck.

  • I can’t believe people stoop so low to tell you that you deserve a miscarriage and use religion to justify it. That’s seriously messed up.

    I hope you know that the people who love you and your site far outweigh the douchebags on the web.

  • I love the Chuck pictures.

    Leta is beautiful, and so are you.

    You’re very gracious, not publishing the email addresses of these nasty people. Rock on, Heather.

  • Peggy

    I’m always boggled by people who bother to a: read blogs they don’t like; and b: send hateful email to the blogger, explaining why they don’t like the blog.
    It’s pretty simple, morons. If you don’t like it – don’t click on it.

    Sigh. I think computers need to be harder to use.

  • So, I read you every day, and I think you guys are all fabulous. your sense of humor is inspiring, and it is always so refreshing to hear other people talk about organized religion as madness. I spend most of my time reading very dry academic writing (I’m a grad student) and I KNOW boring. There is nothing in the least bit boring about this site. I come here to escape boring.

    I also owe you many thanks: I had been begging my husband for a second dog, and when he saw the first pictures of Coco, he caved. I think we’ve had an easier time with Artoo than you have with Coco, but I’m sure our 6 year old dog, Jupiter can sympathize with Chuck. Jupiter does not thank you, by the way. Of course, he cannot balance anything at all on his head so what does he know.

  • Wow, Ashlee Simpson doesn’t speak English. She speaks TXT.

    LOL.