This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, long overdue edition

To set the tone for this installment I think it’s safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint out of his belly button and then feeding it to his fish.

First up, one from Kent:

I have no interest in popular things, and find that people who like popular things are lame. But I was so bored one day that I had no choice but to click over and read your website. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but why do you think it is so interesting to balance things on your dog’s head? It is not interesting. In fact, it’s dumb. And stupid. I’ve never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life.

So, if I’m reading that one correctly, Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine. I was not aware that it was necessary to have an opinion on that subject, and have somehow lived my life not knowing that I had to take sides. This makes me sad when I consider all those hours I could have spent staring angrily at photos of dogs with blenders on their heads, when instead I just turned off my computer and walked away.

This next one is from Alana:

I read about you letting your daughter eat her own hair. You must dissuade her from doing this. Why are you not stopping her? Oh, that’s right, that would require actual parenting and stuff.

Oh wait, this is called parenting? Because when they sent me home from the hospital with a baby I thought they said, “Have fun partying!”

Reader Krista also had some interesting advice:

Leta has inherited a very large forehead from you. You shouldn’t pull her hair back so far as it only accentuates the 5-head. Letting her hair down is far more flattering and might keep kids from picking on her about it when she gets older.

Do you think that when Krista masturbates she’s lying there thinking about her organized collection of Waterford Crystal, how it sits perfectly in a glass cabinet in the foyer and she never lets her husband touch it? Because that makes me so hot just thinking about it.

Here’s a thoughtful letter from a reader named Ashlee:

I went to your site today and I think it really stinx. Your really bad at writing. and being a good person. and u cant even teach you kid how to act like a normal person. And your really not civelized at all. Stop being a lazy ass women who takes up space and get a real job why dont u get a real job!!! your really gay. I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house and guess what! i live far away in cali. u dont even worship god. and pray and stop dissing mormons. and ppl who ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE RITE THING. CUZ YOUR GUNNA ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID,,,
luv ashlee NOT,,,,, cuz I dont luv you,, I HATE YOU and I want u to answer to this or else our a lame. pathetic pussy,

That collection of commas almost gave me a seizure, because I kept pausing, and then just when I thought it was time to stop pausing I had to pause again. I don’t appreciate being teased like that.

Also do you get the feeling that while Ahslee was writing this email she was all, “THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years.”

This next one is from Agnes:

Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn’t make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.

Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren’t total douchebags. And it’s so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman who had fallen to the ground, he’d surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.

A reader named Nomen writes:

What’s amazing to me is that with all of your history of mental illness and your problems with parenting that you would even consider having another child.

What miracle will happen that will make a new child perfect enough for you not to hate it??

What miracle will happen that will make you a sane mother??

None.

Go have yourself another drink and double your prescription for birth control pills.

Oh, I forgot. You make money off of the kid you have.

That’s a good reason for having another one, I suppose, if you’re you and fucking insane.

Do the world a favor and don’t bring a child into the world knowing it will be mentally ill and mentally handicapped as you are.

Well, this one seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? And I know that many of you out there have identified with this website because of the struggles that I went through after Leta was born, and if someone said something like this to you it would infuriate you, and I can understand wanting to feel that way. And if anyone ever does say something like this to you here’s what you need to remember: the person who wrote this email is no different than the old lady standing in line behind you at the supermarket, the one who smells like moth balls, and she’s peering into your shopping cart trying to see what you’re buying, and when she sees that you’ve got a frozen TV dinner in there she’s making all sorts of judgments about you and assuming that in your free time you download porn. Using a stolen credit card.

And if you stick around to watch her pay for her food and walk to her car you’d see her muttering to herself under her breath the entire time, and almost all of those mutters would be punctuated with multiple exclamation points and question marks, and by the time she gets the keys out to unlock the door her orange nylons have pooled into doughnuts around her ankles. And you’d feel sorry for her knowing that she’s going home to an empty house and will probably fall asleep watching an episode of “Deal or No Deal.” And you’d kind of just want to give her a hug.

Next up, one from someone who calls himself sb700:

I think you are the autistic one in your family!!!

Translation: “My mom grounded me and won’t let me play Wii!!!” And he’s down there in his basement bedroom in his “DON’T HASSEL THE HOFF” tee shirt wiping the goo from a zit on his pillow. Because no one is there to notice.

  • Crystal

    i enjoy your blog because it often makes me smile. until today, i’ve been content as a lurker but the rudeness of these people has forced me to comment. i cannot believe people can be so hateful. regardless of what they think about you, your parenting, your dog, your life… those comments are appalling and completely out of line. though you obviously don’t take their lunacy seriously (high-five!), i’m sorry you even have to deal with that kind of stuff. i imagine they are the kind of people that only feel good about themselves when they’re putting other people down.

  • K

    Someday this summer I will write you a long, and hopefully witty, email about just how wonderful I think you are. For today I’ll limit myself to this comment:

    I teach high school, and these emails are echoes of what I hear in the hallways everyday. But only from the little pricks that I mentally backhand for opening their mouths. Bravo for dealing with them the same way I do…sweet, caramely, wondrous sarcasm! Ahh…there’s nothing quite like it!

  • Devin

    You are the only blogger who makes me laugh out loud. And cry. Sometimes at the same time. Thank you for that! You are an inspiration, both as a writer and a mother.

  • Lora

    Wow…these letters are part of the reason why I still do not have my own blog. I could not possibly handle the venom and would have to curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb. You are a much stronger woman than I!

  • Thank you for outing nasty people who send nasty e-mails to people who write blogs that nasty people don’t have to, but chose to click on.

    Those nasty bitches need to be kicked in the schlitterbahn.

  • Leigh

    i love everything about dooce.com. everything. but exclamation point days make my entire world go round. its 6:30 pm and im still at work at a community mental health center and i just laughed so loudly that the man in the corner talking to the man thats not in the chair next to him is looking at me like i am crazy.

    thank you a million times over for sharing all of this with us.

  • Love it. I almost wet my pants in excitement when I saw that you had posted an Exclamation Point entry. Thanks for making my day.

  • What a bunch of assholes. It’s amazing to me that people like that make it far enough in life to be able to sit down at a computer and type out a hateful email to someone they’ve never met. But thinking of them as you’ve described them does explain a lot, I suppose. Glad you’re able to find humor, but wish you didn’t have to in the first place.

  • C’mon. Tell the truth. Kent is Chuck’s super secret internet pseudonym. He sent that one from the basement.

    But as much as I’d been looking forward to a new edition of The Exclamation Point, that e-mail from Agnes is just revolting. I wish you were as disrespectful and self-righteous as she is and published her e-mail address. She felt the need to “share” her “opinion.” I’m sure there’s many of us who would like to return the favor. Y’know, give back. It’s the Christian thing to do.

  • Nancy

    Boy, just when a beautiful afternoon outside in Austin makes me believe that the whole human race is kind and wonderful you provide the proof that people suck. At least some of them. Don’t read this horrible hateful stuff. Of course that’s hard to do, but as soon as you get feeling that what you are reading is not positive criticism please skip to the next comment. You are a good, insightful writer; Leta is a sweet, pretty little girl; and the ones who should not reproduce are the misanthropic nasty-comment writers (or better yet, retroactively, their parents.)

  • It truly boggles the mind, that these lovely people can manage to find time to take out of their perfect lives to so generously come here to the internets to tell you how you’re doing things all wrong. Bless their little hearts.

    And I think Kent wins the award for the best line of the lot with “In fact, it’s dumb. And stupid.”

    Thank you, Heather, for sharing these gems with those of us who aren’t “lame” enough to merit hatemail of our own!

  • Wow, what’s wrong with people?

  • Chris

    What’s 5-head? And where do you have to be from to be familiar with that term?

  • michelle

    so is there a term like hypo-christian for mormons? what the hell is all that anger about anyway? doesn’t anyone have a sense of humour anymore? or a heart? i love how HUMAN you are heather…and you’re funny as hell too.

  • Jeesh – I can’t believe the stuff people write to you!! You have a great attitude about it, though. Thanks for doing what you do – your site is a daily stop for me! 🙂

  • I wish I could balance things on my dog’s head.

  • J.

    OMG!!! (I do loves the exclamation points!) Boy, Heather, you certainly have to be resilient to handle the shit random people throw at you. I guess the anonymity factor really brings out the rampant assholery of some people’s personalities. Oh well, keep doing what you do, because the vast majority of us LOVE IT!

  • michelle

    p.s. for chris…a forehead is a 4-head. a larger forehead is a 5-head.

  • Jaimi

    I cannot believe all of the hate mail you get. i just started reading your site about a year ago and love it…i’m hooked. People have no right telling you how to raise your daughter or give their opinions of whether you should be having another child or not. Ignore these haters and keep on keepin on! lol

  • shaunacon

    I wasn’t aware is was possible to get so much hate mail for seemingly normal things. Yikes. Loved your responses. And if it’s any consolation I still love your blog.

  • Don’t you think it’d be nice to publish the actual email addresses of these folks, instead of just their first names? I sure do. Seems as though it would be perfectly legal as well. 🙂

  • Lisa

    In some respects everyone is entitled to their opinion and the email is an opportunity for people to express themselves without showing their face (chickens). I guess it was probably better that they got that crap off of their chests, or their belly buttons or where ever their stuff comes out of or they might be out doing who knows what with their unregistered firearms. They should all get their medication levels re-evaluated.

    Talk about bad parenting. Can you imagine what kind of parents those people had? It’s pretty sad and scarey…..

    Heather, thank you for taking the high bumpy road.

  • Sheila

    I just wanted to add, having now read all the other supportive comments that have flooded in so far – what a great lot your normal, non-hatemail sending, readers are. Many of their comments are so hilarious they are truly worthy of you. I feel proud to be in such illustrious Comment company!

  • This was SO totally long overdue.

    Man, what a potpourri of fucktards. Seeing them all gathered together in this virtual fucktard convention is dizzying.

    And you’re right, we should all pity them. Once we KICK THEIR ASSES! Who’s with me??!!

    Yours in Zen,
    Lisa

  • Ann

    Thanks for the laugh Heather. I hope you know you’re a brilliant woman, because you put nothing but enlightenment in your entries.

  • YIKES! – you hit the nail(s) on the head with your replies!!!

    I don’t understand caustic comments…discussion yes, outright meanness no – why not go somewhere (other site) if you don’t like what you see.

    Small people say small things…

  • Marci

    I am bipolar and some days the only thing that keeps me going is wondering, “what will be on Chuck’s head today?”

    I love your site, love your honesty and bravery, and just generally think you are awesome. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

  • kilbo

    Heather, I just wanted to take the chance to say that I absolutely love this website and was brought here by way of another awesome parenting blog. I’m pregnant with my first child and I read every single one of your newsletters to Leta recently, and when I was finished laughing and crying and all that, I really felt like “hey I’m up for this kid thing I think.” Thank you for that, thank you thank you… We found out it was a girl recently and though we are set on Allison for a name, I sometimes accidentally think “Leta” with my pregnant brain.
    Congrats on finishing the manuscript!!!

  • Becky

    Oh no, people don’t really write this stuff, do they? DO THEY? And owie, these wingnuts seem worse than the last bunch.

  • thechick

    Hi.

    The internets are so large that I get lost sometimes. That’s the only reasonable excuse that I can come up with for why it took me so long to find and get hooked on your site. When I started reading your blog and mentioning to people how awesomely funny it way, they looked at me as though I had just demonstrated that yes, the potato peeler is better that using your teeth.

    These people are asshats, practicing their usual brand of asshattery. I love the outing of these sad individuals, and your commentary. I love the blog, and your daily pics are a total highlight of my internets wanderings. Kudos to you!

  • Nadia

    Just 2 things:

    1. Leta is BEAUTIFUL!!! You take amazing pictures of her.
    2. The hateful douchebags should really get a life…oh yeah, and learn how to spell for pete’s sake.

  • Amanda

    What Freaks!
    You are an inspiration, I have spent many a happy hour balancing things on my dogs head thanks to you…You are ace….totally fab.

  • Lisa MB

    Oh, thank God for your smackdown/”exclamation point, long overdue edition.” Because your addictive brand of hyperbole, wit and sarcasm was confusing the hell out of me.

    These commenters must be the same people who call talk radio shows to rant about the host, thinking there’s no “cancel call” button that lets the host have the last word.

  • They are out of their minds, seriously – no sense of humor, compassion or plain old human understanding. Perhaps this is their first step out from under their respective rocks, sadly I doubt it. Your responses to them couldn’t have been better. And I LIVE (I just know how much you love caps) for pictures of Chuck balancing so I can show them to my underachieving dogs. You rock Dooce.

  • Amy

    Ashlee is clearly a 12 year old who got her education through teeny bopper chatrooms.

  • jenyon

    I’ve made checking your site a daily ritual for a couple of years now – thank you so much to my friend John who sent me the link. 😀
    While it has always made me laugh inappropriately at work, I am now 38 weeks pregnant and lately, it has made me laugh and lose control of my bladder.
    Oh dear.

  • The one about your miscarriage made me gasp. But it shouldn’t have, because it isn’t surprising that “good Christians” are some of the meanest people around …

  • amanda

    Imagining these people wearing adult diapers gives them too much credit.

    Though I think I’ll start using ‘stinx’ more often.

  • MaryJane in Spain

    Customer feedback is fun. Life would be so dull without it.

    I’ve been a fan since for several years now and my dog envy’s Chuck’s sense of balance.

  • Skittlequeen

    Yikes….It is going to be hard sitting down after that one! These are the kinda whack jobs that you keep a stun gun around the house for…I’ll give ya a buck to publish just ONE of their e-mails so that we, who get you and support you, can have a shot at them!

    …hugs to you, John, Leta and the wonder duo!

  • Steph

    Hey Heather –

    I’m a long-time reader, and I haven’t e-mailed you or commented in forever, but Jesus H., dude. I swear, mean people on the ‘net make a beeline for YOU specifically. I have no idea how this happens; what, they just wake up in the morning and are all, “Let’s totally verbally abuse dooce today!”? I fail to understand what exactly they are hoping to accomplish with the bullying.

    But it is crystal clear to me that these people really, really need to get laid. Seriously. There needs to be some kind of a program for them – maybe a 1-800 # they can call, and have a hooker just sent to their houses post haste? Of course, then I wouldn’t be able to read your awesome replies to their ridiculous e-mails, but I’m trying to think of the greater good here.

    I still promote you to everyone I know,
    Steph

  • amy

    ” Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn’t make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.

    Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren’t total douchebags. And it’s so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman that had fallen to the ground, he’d surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.”

    I’m what you would can a ‘religious fanatic’ (Southern Baptist) and I think what she said was horrible. A miscarriage is the death of a child. And I’m so sorry that you had a miscarriage. Agnes should have thought twice about what she was going to comment and held her tongue. I can understand your distrust of “Christians” when you hear from women like that. I hope Leta ends up with a human sibling, not that her canine companions are not adorable. But being the mom of seven, I’ve seen how much my children enjoy loving, teasing and, yes, even fighting with each other. Although you and I will probably not agree on much, we can agree with this, that being a mother is worth the nine months of pregnancy, the hours of labor and delivery, the baby blues, and the struggle to lose the post baby weight. God is a creative God. He wants us to celebrate life. I hope there will be another celebration in your life soon…and that you’ll not equate God with the EVERYONE who claims to ‘know’ him.
    amy

  • Angela

    Being #5 in the world, you’re always going to have some haters =)
    Thanks so much for the laughs!!!

  • Oh good lord. The fact that someone would take the time to send a rant like that is ridiculous.

    You rock. And I think Chuck with stuff on his head is totally interesting.

  • Your so dum bicuz you dont::::::: now that peepul hoo sit on toilit seets for too years;;;;;;;only live here in kansis!!!!!

    Wow. Sometimes I find myself wishing I get comments and email. Now I know that I’m way lucky to not be bombarded!

  • gina

    i seriously love you! i love that you are a real person and can find humor in the sea of morons.

    you know it’s just jealousy. they all want to be as cool as you. i know i do.

  • What’s most amazing about the haters is they forget the #1 rule of popular culture: if you ignore it, it will go away.

    If they hate you so much, why don’t they just leave this site and never return. If a large enough number of people did this, the hits would drop and Dooce would no longer be a going financial concern.

    And there you have it, they’d have their fondest wish and you’d stop writing and get a real job. Instead, they’ll keep visiting the site because they hate you so much. And you can keep laughing all the way to the bank.

  • Lucy

    Heather, I think you’re awesome, but I am a bit surprised you want another child considering what you went through with your PPD. I truly hope you will have a better post-partum experience next time! I have depression/anxiety myself so I wish you all the best.

  • Annie

    Despite all the hateful this that went through my head, I can sum it up with two three-letter words: UGH! and WTF?

    Congratulations for handling this insanity with far more grace and composure than I ever could…And sharing it with us, the humbled readers.

  • I applaud your ability to laugh in the faces of these people, especially when it comes to your daughter. Them’s fightin’ words. The nerve.

    What a bunch of turds.