This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Exclamation point, long overdue edition

To set the tone for this installment I think it’s safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint out of his belly button and then feeding it to his fish.

First up, one from Kent:

I have no interest in popular things, and find that people who like popular things are lame. But I was so bored one day that I had no choice but to click over and read your website. I guess it wasn’t that bad, but why do you think it is so interesting to balance things on your dog’s head? It is not interesting. In fact, it’s dumb. And stupid. I’ve never been so bored looking at a photo of a dog in my life.

So, if I’m reading that one correctly, Kent regularly urinates into a porcelain gravy bowl and then pours it into his coffee because it tastes like honey. And one day he got bored of braiding his underarm hair, stumbled across my website, and developed an opinion about whether or not it is officially interesting to balance objects on the head of a canine. I was not aware that it was necessary to have an opinion on that subject, and have somehow lived my life not knowing that I had to take sides. This makes me sad when I consider all those hours I could have spent staring angrily at photos of dogs with blenders on their heads, when instead I just turned off my computer and walked away.

This next one is from Alana:

I read about you letting your daughter eat her own hair. You must dissuade her from doing this. Why are you not stopping her? Oh, that’s right, that would require actual parenting and stuff.

Oh wait, this is called parenting? Because when they sent me home from the hospital with a baby I thought they said, “Have fun partying!”

Reader Krista also had some interesting advice:

Leta has inherited a very large forehead from you. You shouldn’t pull her hair back so far as it only accentuates the 5-head. Letting her hair down is far more flattering and might keep kids from picking on her about it when she gets older.

Do you think that when Krista masturbates she’s lying there thinking about her organized collection of Waterford Crystal, how it sits perfectly in a glass cabinet in the foyer and she never lets her husband touch it? Because that makes me so hot just thinking about it.

Here’s a thoughtful letter from a reader named Ashlee:

I went to your site today and I think it really stinx. Your really bad at writing. and being a good person. and u cant even teach you kid how to act like a normal person. And your really not civelized at all. Stop being a lazy ass women who takes up space and get a real job why dont u get a real job!!! your really gay. I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house and guess what! i live far away in cali. u dont even worship god. and pray and stop dissing mormons. and ppl who ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE RITE THING. CUZ YOUR GUNNA ROT IN HELL YOU STUPID,,,
luv ashlee NOT,,,,, cuz I dont luv you,, I HATE YOU and I want u to answer to this or else our a lame. pathetic pussy,

That collection of commas almost gave me a seizure, because I kept pausing, and then just when I thought it was time to stop pausing I had to pause again. I don’t appreciate being teased like that.

Also do you get the feeling that while Ahslee was writing this email she was all, “THANK GOD for the wireless modem, because it makes it so easy to surf World Wide Internet Blog sites from the toilet I have been sitting on for two years.”

This next one is from Agnes:

Condolences for your miscarriage might be in order if you didn’t make a career out of thumbing your nose at God.

Thank you, Agnes, for proving once and for all that religious fanatics aren’t total douchebags. And it’s so true, if Jesus saw a pregnant woman who had fallen to the ground, he’d surely walk up and kick her in the stomach. I remember that teaching specifically.

A reader named Nomen writes:

What’s amazing to me is that with all of your history of mental illness and your problems with parenting that you would even consider having another child.

What miracle will happen that will make a new child perfect enough for you not to hate it??

What miracle will happen that will make you a sane mother??

None.

Go have yourself another drink and double your prescription for birth control pills.

Oh, I forgot. You make money off of the kid you have.

That’s a good reason for having another one, I suppose, if you’re you and fucking insane.

Do the world a favor and don’t bring a child into the world knowing it will be mentally ill and mentally handicapped as you are.

Well, this one seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? And I know that many of you out there have identified with this website because of the struggles that I went through after Leta was born, and if someone said something like this to you it would infuriate you, and I can understand wanting to feel that way. And if anyone ever does say something like this to you here’s what you need to remember: the person who wrote this email is no different than the old lady standing in line behind you at the supermarket, the one who smells like moth balls, and she’s peering into your shopping cart trying to see what you’re buying, and when she sees that you’ve got a frozen TV dinner in there she’s making all sorts of judgments about you and assuming that in your free time you download porn. Using a stolen credit card.

And if you stick around to watch her pay for her food and walk to her car you’d see her muttering to herself under her breath the entire time, and almost all of those mutters would be punctuated with multiple exclamation points and question marks, and by the time she gets the keys out to unlock the door her orange nylons have pooled into doughnuts around her ankles. And you’d feel sorry for her knowing that she’s going home to an empty house and will probably fall asleep watching an episode of “Deal or No Deal.” And you’d kind of just want to give her a hug.

Next up, one from someone who calls himself sb700:

I think you are the autistic one in your family!!!

Translation: “My mom grounded me and won’t let me play Wii!!!” And he’s down there in his basement bedroom in his “DON’T HASSEL THE HOFF” tee shirt wiping the goo from a zit on his pillow. Because no one is there to notice.

  • Erinn

    Ooookaaaayyy…you won’t say it so I will.
    Fuck you people.
    Think they got the point?
    Here’s the deal, they crossed the line when they started talking about Leta. She’s off limits. The fact that you share ANYTHING about her is a gift.
    (excuse me for a sec, while I jump up on my soap box.)
    You are a fantastic mother. The letters you post have made me laugh and cry. There isn’t a mother out there that hasn’t felt like you have at one point or antoher. All that comes through is how much you love that kid.
    Keep doing what you’re doing. In the words of my mother on a particularly bad day…”Fuck em honey”

  • Laurie

    Can we please have their email addresses so that we can dish back to them some hypocritical judgments and see how they like it? Pretty please?

  • OH MY GOD,,,,,, I LOVE YOUR HATE MAIL!!!!!!!!!!

  • Asta

    Oh Heather,

    As much as I want to get all inflamed that morons would waste time sending rude things to you through the internet, I guess it’s not worth my time. Or yours. I love your attitude. You rock. You and Jon are super creative and I’m sure that’s doing much more for Leta’s development than a tiny forehead or being Mormon or whatever else you should be doing. Plus the fact that you’re both home SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY is amazing. I hope I’m able to do the same when I have kids. Best of luck.

    Also, you’ve inspired me to get some sort of ridiculous puppy when I graduate and move out this summer. I plan to send you hatemail when he or she craps on the rug and eats my favorite shoes, for it will obviously be YOUR FAULT.

  • The sheer unmitigated gall of these people!

    How dare they? Seriously how do they dare to write poisonous bile like that to someone who has never done a thing to them?

    Although, have you done something to them?

    With, maybe, electrodes?

    Because if not, I am completely free over the long Easter weekend to help you with that project.

  • Wow! I feel so enlightened after reading all those emails. It opened my eyes to things I have never thought of before. Like the overpowering use of the comma. Its,,, so,,, effective! And having a miscarriage is a blessing? Should I send you a “CONGRATULATIONS FOR YOUR FETUS FALLING OUT” card? Because I totally will. People are so stupid, and in the words of Ashlee, “I can like smell ur stupidness from my own house.”

  • whoa. i had no idea your blog sparked so much rage in people. i find your blog incredibly hilarious, and it makes people like myself feel less alone in their weird thoughts of parenthood, and life in general. you rule. eff them. 🙂

  • B2G

    I’ll never understand why people feel the need to read something they don’t agree with or don’t like. It’s a blog and it’s your own opinion and if you don’t like it, MOVE ON ASSHOLE.

    Clearly, you rock.

    Also, Leta is a beautiful little girl and I’m sure everyone would turn a blind eye if you decided to maim whomever would dare insult your child. Just sayin’.

  • Annie

    Had to post twice: When I entered the previous comment the authentication code was the last name of a former boyfriend…Creepy.

  • Skylar

    OMG… I had forgotten how much I love/hate your hate/hate mail. It is so ridiculous that sometimes I have to wonder if you and Jon got drunk and made some of them up (especially the one from ,,,Ashlee).

    I am not sure how you keep from currling yourself into a ball on the floor and eating your own hair. Those e-mails would make me cry but you seem to take them in stride and even make them funny.

    Not that you need to hear this from yet another person, but I love you and I love this sight and I love when you pull Leta’s hair back.

    I hope that you keep on rockin this website. Damn the haters!!!

  • DT

    Hat tip to you, Heather!

  • Toni

    I just wanted to say that I think you are perfect. I want a BFF just like you!! These people are obviously very unhappy with themselves so they want whoever else that is happy miserable. Keep up the good work. I love reading your page and check it all the time throughout the day. You are the highlight of my work day!

  • Shakti

    One word. Dillholes. I don’t know, but it’s the only word that comes to mind.
    Thank you for gracefully sharing your humor with us. I think you rock.

  • gina

    I don’t know what possesses people to write stuff like that. Christian, non-Christian, whatever, it’s just not humanly to be so mean.

  • Holy crap, I don’t know how you stand the stupidity! I’m amazed that you ever open your posts for comments. For every hateful comment you get I’m hoping you get 100 good ones.

    And Leta is adorable!

  • Susie

    Wow! Thank you so much for continuing to write despite these ugly emails. It’s shocking the judgements people think they are entitled to make. I’m cringing just reading these selections; I’m impressed you are so able to receive these emails and not lose it.

    I’m delighted to read your writing, my daily dose of Dooce is an enjoyable internet treat. I’m thrilled that you’ve written a book and can’t wait to read it. I love your writing style and often quote phrases from your website to my husband.

  • Laura

    The hells kind of person offers that sort of condolence for a miscarriage? My jaw almost hit the damn floor.

    To all those people out there who claim to hate you because you (multiple choice):
    A. Don’t believe in God
    B. Don’t believe in the SAME God
    C. Don’t follow the SAME teachings of the SAME God
    D. Choose to make your own choices about God
    E. All of the Above

    The answer is simple: It’s my immortal soul, so you can go ahead and bite me.

  • Chris

    Wow. I suppose if it weren’t for the crazy idiots the rest of us wouldn’t be able to look so smart and normal. So perhaps they should get a thank you for boosting the rest of us further up the intelligence scale??

    Oh, and further proof there should be a license to reproduce!!!

  • EspressoME

    I’m curious as to why a person like Agnes for being in a position as she is in why she would send such a hurtful comment in regards to something so painful. It makes no sense at all. Heather, I’m glad that you can take a step back, see through the bullshit and know better. Agnes is on a level playing field as the rest of us… no matter what the hell she thinks. She put herself there by being so spiteful.

  • your writing is fantastic.
    i love you, your blog and your family.

  • I’m betting the people who bash your parenting skills don’t have children…or have nannies who take care of their kids for them. I am the mother of one daughter and she is beautiful…and I feel I’m a pretty good mother (not perfect…there’s no such thing) and I’ve never been unpset by what you did/had to say about motherhood. We all have our own struggles in parenting. Just keep doing your best!!

  • holy haters!

    I found myself in a puddle the other day after a curt email from an acquaintance/colleague/someone I have shared drinks with while in the midst of a job search; I had reached out to her and her bigwig job title for some insight and she said I was a square peg ill-suited to round holes.

    cheers to you with a big fat bourbon to not letting these douchbags get you down. I am following your lead.

  • Jadancer

    My first question… Why do I heart this blog so???
    Many XX’s and OO’s to you!! I can’t seem to get enough.

  • Daaaamn!!

    I thought you were making all the ENTIRE thing (comments included). WTF is wrong with those people (haters)?

    I love your daily chuck and pics of Leta. You are an awesome writer.

    =)

  • PhilosopherP

    You rock!

    I’ve recently had trouble from some punk-ass college kids on a debate forum… I wish I could afford your services as my on-line spokesperson so you could respond on my behalf.

    I love the blog and your responses made my day!

  • Yeah, I don’t get it either.

    When I was in radio way back in the old days I would get calls from the old ladies who didn’t like it when I played something with a beat and a little pizazz. You know, like rock and roll and stuff. I would politely tell the caller that their radio most likely came with both an an/off/volume button and a station selection dial and if they were not satisfied with what was coming out of the speaker then could fucking well change the station or turn it off!

    I think the same principle applies her, doncha think?

  • Katie

    You are an amazing woman, Heather B! I love this website and it daily gives me a laugh which we all could use more of. I think even more highly of you now for publishing these vile comments you receianyved. You are the bigger person, my dear. Keep on doing what you’re doing and being who you are because you give alot of happiness to so many.

  • Echo

    What a bunch of trolls. At least I hope that’s what they are. I’d hate to think my fellow humans would spew such hatefull stuff. I love your writing. Keep it coming.

  • Kathryn

    Why am I still surprised by the amount of hatred out there?

    I love your site. Your posts about depression and parenting have helped me not feel so alone. Thank you!

  • Emily

    I don’t know what I am more shocked about – the content or the grammar – in those messages. Yes, I do. The content. I am always disappointed when “people” act that way.

    I have a 3.5 year old daughter (and all the pricess books and odd quirks with wrappers) and I really enjoy your letters and “glimpse” into that part of myself that doesn’t have a voice but would love to communicate what you do – love and TRUTH!

  • That Guy

    Vell, vell, vell…

    Sounds like some fundamentalist Mormons want to baptize you repeatedly while scrubbing behind your ears and tongue with Ajax. I imagine that would be more satisfying to them than, say, keeping the commandments, including the teeny-weeny one with “neighbor,” “love,” and “Thou shalt.” I’m not Mormon bashing because I’m not into self-flagellation, just idiot knocking. It’s for them that we must have so many meetings where we repeat the same basic messages. Unfortunately, punctuation is not taught, not that it would do any good in these cases. Once a month services would be better.

    Contrary to your good readers’ assertions, and if pressed, I would postulate that you’re going to Heaven. Mormon Heaven. But you might not like that. Humm. Okay, how about: Your application will be undoubtedly accepted wherever you want to send it. You can join me in Margaritaville, if you’d like. No winter. (Watch out for the pop tops.) But then Jon’s probably not into the soundtrack….

  • Liz

    The commas? Seriously, great “this is a nutter” indicator – scanning the mail for multiple commas is all you need… I don’t know whether they teach it at some ‘how to frighten people on the Internet’ school, or whether it just happens all by itself, but it’s terrifying.

    Congrats on the savoir-faire, sang-froid and general cool – and the great pictures, of all kinds.

  • Erica

    You are beautiful and brilliant Heather.

    What a riot it must be getting these really freaky emails from people “out there”…

    Chuck is talented and adorable…I look forward to his new pictures everyday while drinking my first cup of coffee at work.

    I think your letters to Leta are so beautiful, and she is going to really treasure those when she is older.

    Thanks for sharing these amusing letters with us!

  • Anonymous

    So this is Ashlee! No wonder she’s so damn unhappy.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/13/wtoilet113.xml

  • jennifer in sf

    a. I can’t believe someone would get so worked up about being bored because of something they CHOSE to do, that they would write an email about it.

    b. This is pretty obvious, but I’m not sure where Ashlee gets off critiquing the writing of, well, anyone else. Especially because I strongly suspect she may have spelled her own name wrong.

    Also, you are clearly awesome.

  • My cat totally has the hots for chuck. Just don’t ask her about it she’ll deny everything.

  • DominEditrix

    I especially liked how you reached out with your amazing telepathic powers and gave Kent “no choice but to click over and read your website”. Poor man, pinned there to his desk chair, battered by the deadly mind-control of Heather A, trapped in a world he never made…

    I agree, more Chuck-with-things-on-his-head. !!!!

  • Allison

    I’ve never posted a comment here before, but reading these letters made me laugh so hard. You are my hero for openly mocking the assholes who actually take the time to write stupid and hateful things to you.

    On my scale of coolness, you’re right up there with Mr. T, and that’s pretty damn good. If you and Mr. T were to be in a room together, my head might explode from all the simultaneous awesomeness occurring.

  • Religious zealots……my God. How can someone who claims to be religious be so venomous? I think you are fantastic and funny. You have more personality than so many other people, including the cumwads that take time out of their busy cross burning lives to send you trash like that. Religious beliefs aside, you are insanely smart, funny, and a good wife and mother. This post totally flips the bird to those asshats, and I love that about you.

  • Hoo boy, with readers like these, who needs “Cheaters” on TV?

    Gawd. That’s all I can say. Gawd.

    (Plus, dude, I am totally teaching our new dog to balance things on her head. Because that right there is worth the price of admission! Also, I want to teach her the command, “Recycle.” Because I do not live far from Berkeley.)

  • It is fascinating how hypocritically contradictory people are today! Everyone of these people would surely say they are good, yet look at what they say. I really can’t believe how many people I know who are innocent victims of others wrath, unhappiness, wont for attention, and simmering fury at their own lacking. Although it sounds banal, I mean this statement with the full force of each of these words: SHAME ON THEM.

    All you have done here is share your love for life, and the struggles and pain that make the good all the sweeter, with people. It brings me to tears (and I’ve been referred to by my own husband as heartless) that people would be so mean in laughably mean (in the case of Leta- I mean, she’s gorgeous) and spiritually inhumane (regarding your miscarriage).

    I wish you all the best and sincerely thank you for sharing so much of yourself with The Interweb.

  • OMG, you’re fucking brilliant. That was hilarious on soooo many levels. I LOVE religious fanatics & people who use, incorrect; punctuation. They, rock?!

  • webgrrlie

    heather, i know i tell you every time i write you how awesome you are, but since i haven’t written to you this month… heather, you are SO AWESOME!! i adore you, girl 🙂

    and by the way, i love, love these email summary posts, because i read them out loud to my husband, and we both just crack up. just what i needed today!

  • You are awesome. Everyone else sucks.

  • Heather

    When I saw exclamation edition was up I had to go refill my cup of coffee. I was savoring this post. You should make a collection of the hatemail, beside each hatemail email have a picture of the author. It would be the best coffee table book in the whole world. I would love to see the oh so very good looking people behind the hate mail. Funny how you can tell exactly what someone looks like by what they write.

  • Whoa. I always thought that waiting in line at the DMV in San Francisco offered a scary glimpse of humanity.

    This is out and out frightening. Good on you for being strong enough to process all of it, and to find such choice snippets to share.

  • alexia

    How exciting! I just sent you an email requesting this nonsense.
    These don’t seem as funny as the old editions. People are becoming more hateful and less funny in spreading their hate.
    Hmm, shameful.

  • RIT

    “I see stupid people…they’re everywhere…they walk around like everyone else…and they don’t even know they are dumb.”

  • Heather

    People are stupid. And Agnes can kiss my ass, because miscarriages suck and god has nothing to do with it.

    xox.

  • BV

    WOW
    makes my co-workers cranky e-mails look like
    flowering rainbows of joy.