the smell of my desperation has become a stench

For all the new people visiting because they saw that five-second clip on FOX 13

Every night we have a ritual where we eat a pot of edamame and watch the national news. Yesterday after I posted a portion of a grocery receipt I got a lot of concerned email wondering just how much edamame we go through on any given day. And the answer is a lot, probably more than is safe, and if I die from eating too much edamame I hope they point out in my obituary that at least it was a noble food, that at least I didn’t die from some desperate sauerkraut binge. THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING. Right up there with CIRCULATION CUT OFF BY ILL-FITTING THONG.

On that particular trip to the grocery store, though, the edamame was on sale. So I bought the legal limit, as much as they would let me leave the store with. Was there room in our freezer for 15 bags of edamame? Did it matter? There was room in my belly for 15 bags of edamame.

Last night I was starting our edamame ritual by boiling a pot of water on the stove when Leta casually walked into the kitchen with her pants off to inform us that she had just gone to the bathroom all by herself. Normally she wants us to go with her so she has someone to talk to, so I was a bit suspicious, especially since I hadn’t heard the toilet flush. Isn’t that usually a giveaway? Either that or the way the pages rustle and echo off the bathroom tile as your husband flips through Vogue?

“You went to the bathroom all by yourself?” I asked her.

“Yep, I did,” she answered.

“Did you flush the toilet?” I asked.

She hesitated having not considered that particular hole in her plot and answered, “Um… yes?”

So I walked around the corner to the bathroom, did a quick inspection of the premises and came to the conclusion that she was lying. Not the end of the world, but certainly behavior we don’t want to encourage. So when I returned to the kitchen both Jon and I sat her down and explained a few things about lying, that it’s a bad habit and causes wrinkles, and if she’s going to try to get away with it in the future she should at least make sure the evidence backs her up, am I right? If the dog ate your homework make sure you have a dog, you know what I’m saying?

“We can joke about that here,” said Jon, “but if you say that on your website people are going to take you seriously.”

“You mean people are going to think that we’re encouraging our daughter to lie?”

“Isn’t that what it sounds like we’re doing?”

“No, we’re encouraging her to lie successfully.”

“And when she does we’ll be so proud.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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