An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

For all the new people visiting because they saw that five-second clip on FOX 13

Every night we have a ritual where we eat a pot of edamame and watch the national news. Yesterday after I posted a portion of a grocery receipt I got a lot of concerned email wondering just how much edamame we go through on any given day. And the answer is a lot, probably more than is safe, and if I die from eating too much edamame I hope they point out in my obituary that at least it was a noble food, that at least I didn’t die from some desperate sauerkraut binge. THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING. Right up there with CIRCULATION CUT OFF BY ILL-FITTING THONG.

On that particular trip to the grocery store, though, the edamame was on sale. So I bought the legal limit, as much as they would let me leave the store with. Was there room in our freezer for 15 bags of edamame? Did it matter? There was room in my belly for 15 bags of edamame.

Last night I was starting our edamame ritual by boiling a pot of water on the stove when Leta casually walked into the kitchen with her pants off to inform us that she had just gone to the bathroom all by herself. Normally she wants us to go with her so she has someone to talk to, so I was a bit suspicious, especially since I hadn’t heard the toilet flush. Isn’t that usually a giveaway? Either that or the way the pages rustle and echo off the bathroom tile as your husband flips through Vogue?

“You went to the bathroom all by yourself?” I asked her.

“Yep, I did,” she answered.

“Did you flush the toilet?” I asked.

She hesitated having not considered that particular hole in her plot and answered, “Um… yes?”

So I walked around the corner to the bathroom, did a quick inspection of the premises and came to the conclusion that she was lying. Not the end of the world, but certainly behavior we don’t want to encourage. So when I returned to the kitchen both Jon and I sat her down and explained a few things about lying, that it’s a bad habit and causes wrinkles, and if she’s going to try to get away with it in the future she should at least make sure the evidence backs her up, am I right? If the dog ate your homework make sure you have a dog, you know what I’m saying?

“We can joke about that here,” said Jon, “but if you say that on your website people are going to take you seriously.”

“You mean people are going to think that we’re encouraging our daughter to lie?”

“Isn’t that what it sounds like we’re doing?”

“No, we’re encouraging her to lie successfully.”

“And when she does we’ll be so proud.”

  • Dear Dooce,
    I am much more concerned about your grocery receipt than I am with you teaching your daughter to lie. And lie well.

    Why dear Dooce is there only licorice and no ice cream? And why is there just one cucumber? What is WRONG with you?

    A Very Concerned Reader With Clearly No Life and Too Much Time On Her Hands.

  • I would have bought all the edamame they’d let me truck out of the store. Yummy in my tummy!

    Leta is well on her way to a career as a politician or oil company executive if she can master the art of successful lying. Lucrative careers…perhaps you should foster this behavior.

  • Just tell people you’re grooming her to be the best damn lawyer in the world… that should stop them.

  • Co-tation

    You and Jon take terrific photos. You’re enjoyable to read too. People lie because they don’t want to get in trouble. Reward Leta for telling the truth(even if she broke something,etc) & I bet she’ll stick with it. (all kids lie at some point, its normal)

  • Shelly

    I just had to google edamame.. I am ashamed to say I had no clue what it was…

  • Heather I think you need to do a post just about edamame. I googled the word and Google gave me a weird error thinking that my query was coming from a virus or something. My guess is that this post by you has generated lots of hits on Google looking to see what it is. I knew that it was something Japanese, but after reading about it, it still doesn’t sound appealing. But maybe I’ll have to give them a try. Don’t they sell them dried too as a snack food?

  • Being able to lie successfully is a skill many people use their entire lives, so it’s not as if you’re teaching her something useless. Like, you know, long division or that whole thing in chemistry class about how to calculate the half-life of something.

  • Lisa

    For the person asking about preparing edamame-

    They can be boiled, but you have to take them out of the pods to eat them. The pods are inedible.

    You can also thaw them, pop them out of the pods (this takes forever) and roast them like pumpkin seeds (for about 15 minutes, then push them around and cook about 15 more minutes or until they start to get brown on the underside, put some salt/spices on ’em, and eat!)

  • There will be times you will be grateful Leta can fib a little. Unless of course she is caught lying in front of the “perfect people”, then you’ll need to paddle her behind and give her a soap snack, so you can “look good”.

    That’s how my parents did it, and i turned out just fine, aside from my nervous twitch and bed wetting problem, I’m just fine.

  • Katie

    I laughed at the title of this post because I just got done emailing a friend saying, “They are doing a story on Dooce on the local Fox affiliate tomorrow night.”

  • Come on Dooce.. lying successfully and believably is one of life’s most valuable skills. You know it, I know it and the Letster definitely knows it.

  • Any reason not to wear pants is a well founded means to an end. Leta Rocks!

    @ Carrie in comment #25 The first time I ever had sushi was as part of a health food platter in a new age sort of restaurant. Sushi was new to me and I thought that the mushy green stuff next to it was guacamole. Having never heard of WASABI I downed a whole forkful… I think my date might have laughed… maybe?

    Dooce, your posts are always great! Love the writing, the photography, Chuck and Coco and your style!

  • Hey, Becky…(comment 51). Just so you know, there were TWO cucumbers on the receipt, in addition to the licorice and the ten million bags of frozen edamame. Now THAT’s a balanced diet!

  • Jill

    You rock. This post had me cracking up. I’m trying to teach my son to blame his father for everything, but this is another valuable lesson!

  • And the next step? Teaching her to lie creatively.

  • Hmm. Lying is bad. So is BAD lying worse? If you lie badly, isn’t the net effect that you told the truth, even though your intent was to lie? Of course, this means you would be perceived as a liar, even though you couldn’t lie to save your life.

    On the other hand, if you lie well, you will never been seen as a liar. And isn’t perception what it’s all about? A lie you get away with looks just like honesty, so what’s the problem?

    At about this point, if you were a robot on Star Trek, your head would blow up.

  • Gaby

    I, too, noticed the excessive edamame on your receipt, but was more jealous then curious that there was so much and at such a great price.

    As for preparing – if you boil them and boil them in the pods, how long do you boil them for to make them taste just like they came from Japan directly? They always taste perfect when I get them out somewhere, but when I make them, they are never as good. I’m a fan of salting them up and eating them directly out of the pod … any suggestions?

  • sara

    I am taking you so seriously.

  • Thank goodness for you and Jon – my parents NEVER taught me how to lie and I had to learn this on my own. Try sneaking in the house, drunk out of your mind and you need to come up with a lie of why you are late for curfew AGAIN – but no one has ever taught you how to do that with conviction! If my parents had truly loved me, they would have taught me this skill and my life as a teenager would not have been so tortured. I would have spent much less time in detention and had way more time to smoke and drink – all appropriate activities for a girl in a small town high school. You and Jon are doing the right thing – Leta needs to learn this skill early!

    PS – I love edamame and eat it all the time too. Way better for you than popcorn!

  • 1. mmmm, delicious edamame.
    2. there was an interesting article about kids lying in a magazine recently. Apparently it’s something of a developmental milestone. Who knew?

  • Don’t you think that edamame mysteriously smells like horse poop when it is cooking? I always feel like I’m a barn when I make it.

  • She’ll grow up to be a very successful politician. She could be president!
    Waiting for the obligatory ‘bad mother’ comment……
    Damn, I was holding the ‘That title belongs to Shaft’ rebuttal.

  • We love the edamame in our home too. Although, I don’t think as much as you.

  • Meg

    What qualities are needed to classify a food noble? I mean, I can see why sauerkraut wouldn’t be…but the one time I had edamame I was too freaked out by the fuzziness. Wouldn’t fuzziness be a non-noble quality? Is it supposed to be fuzzy or did I get bad edamame? I did get sick later, but I just assumed it was all the booze.

  • I noticed the edamame as well, but thought nothing of it since I about that much each time I go as well. Living in a small town as I do, I can only get it at the Wal-Mart near where I work (an hour away). However, I can get all the pork skins and chitlin’s you could ever want at the local grocery, gas station, church, etc……

    I haven’t had sushi in months. It’s killing me. Agghhhh…


  • Lyz

    Frozen edamame? You just put it in a colander and run it under warm water until it dethaws. Dry it off and eat it.

    Also, teaching real life lessons like this, I think, are the best argument for having kids. I love it.

    I hope to teach my children how to riot in the streets without getting tear gassed. Life lessons. Real life lessons.

  • Edamame is pretty much the best thing you can eat. Full of protein AND fiber and low fat. Plus it fills you up. Food of the gods, really.

    So, apparently good writers make the best liars, right? Since Leta has your Brilliant storytelling genes I’m sure some pretty creative and believable lies will eventually develop.

    <3, enjolie

  • Coco always looks so angry in action shots, she scares me a little 😉 That Springer is lovely, I’d love to be able to take shots like that of my spaniels.

  • deb

    For some reason, I thought you were going to lead up to the amount of Edamame Lita has eaten made her poop strange and she wanted to show you… thus not flushing! Sheesh, thought I knew the ending.

  • Aaah! The first lie. I remember it well.
    George Bush

  • Kate

    I had a fit last week when I went to Trader Joe’s and they were out of the shelled edemame. Since husband is a vegiphobe and edemame is one of four vegetables I can get him to eat I had a little silent freak out right there in the frozen food aisle because it has been decreed that pod-on edemame is just too labor intensive. This from a man who is a triathlete. Anywho, learning to lie properly is a life impertive. Anyone who says they don’t lie is a liar.

  • You never fail to crack me up.

  • So she’s going to be a marketer when she grows up?

  • Lying successfully is a huge part of survival in the real world. On the other hand, you don’t want her to get too good at lying to *you*, or your life is going to suck quickly.

    I’m hoping, by the way, that the part that was the lie was *not* the part about using toilet. She didn’t, er, go someplace else, did she? Because that’s *definitely* behavior you don’t want to encourage. She could be hanging out with Coco too much.

  • Loquacious Chase

    I need detailed information about preparing and eating edamame. I’m really lazy, and honestly it sounds like a lot of work (boiling, salting, picking them out of the pod).

    Maybe I’ll just make some microwave popcorn.

  • Is it wrong that I said a little prayer to the powers that be BEGGING for comments to be open so I could see all the impending stupidity?

    Thank you powers that be. My day is MADE.

  • Seriously. If you’re going to do something, you might as well learn to do it right. Right?

    I so can’t wait for the hate mail post that’s going to come from this post.

  • I think we all teach our kids to lie on some level, don’t we? All parents have a BAD side–it gives us added entertainment value. 🙂

  • Samara

    As a edamame virgin, could you post a recipe that you like?
    I’ve always wanted to try but have been intimidated.

  • I also don’t know what edamame is, but I’m too busy to google it.

    Oddly enough, I have time to comment here.

  • J. Bo

    When I was in college, a successful playwright came to one of my classes as a guest speaker. He asked “How many of you keep a diary or journal?” (About 1/3 of the class raised their hands). Then he asked “And how many of YOU lie in them?” (General hilarity ensued as about 1/10 of us kept our hands up.) He smiled broadly and announced “YOU, my friends, are writers.”

  • Brandy in Canada

    I figured you bought so much edamame because it was on sale! 3 for 5 dollars! I was pretty impressed, you saved 40 cents and stocked up on edamame because it was a deal!

    Knowing how to lie successfully is incredibly important! Knowing when to pull out the right one at the right time is a fine tuned skill once she reaches the right age. I still remember my first good lie. I had cut about and inch off of my braid and when my mom unbraided my hair that inch was really noticeable so I blamed the bad kid that sat behind me, of course my mom went into school and he was talked to and given detention for a month even though he denied it!

  • My husband and kids love edamame. Every time we go out for sushi they get a huge bowl of it and gobble it all up. I’m the outcast who doesn’t like the stuff.

    My son also lies about random things. I always try to tell him not to lie, if I am not laughing. I never thought to tell him to lie successfully, probably because I am a horrible lier.

  • andrea

    I second Samara’s request. Could you please post how you prepare your edamame? I’ve always been intrigued by it, but never quite knew what to do with it. I’d love to give it a try.

  • Agustin

    Edamame is indeed a noble food.

    You and your husband rock.
    Thanks for making me chuckle.

  • I was just thinking more about this edammame habit you’ve got going…if you’re trying to make the rest of us feel guilty about eating chip & salsa as a nighttime snack–IT’S WORKING!!!!

  • I give her credit for lying pantless. Because, you know, if her pants were on fire, that would have been a dead giveaway.

  • I hadn’t realized that I should read the entire grocery receipt when something about antics ate the market are posted. I just look at the items as directed.

    But clearly I am missing out on some real entertainment, so I’ll get right on it.

  • MDT

    My son is almost 11 and still lies about flushing the toilet. How hard is it to push on the lever?

    Great blog.

  • I love how up in arms people are about your edamame purchasing. You eat that soy and you eat as much as you like.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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