An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

For all the new people visiting because they saw that five-second clip on FOX 13

Every night we have a ritual where we eat a pot of edamame and watch the national news. Yesterday after I posted a portion of a grocery receipt I got a lot of concerned email wondering just how much edamame we go through on any given day. And the answer is a lot, probably more than is safe, and if I die from eating too much edamame I hope they point out in my obituary that at least it was a noble food, that at least I didn’t die from some desperate sauerkraut binge. THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING. Right up there with CIRCULATION CUT OFF BY ILL-FITTING THONG.

On that particular trip to the grocery store, though, the edamame was on sale. So I bought the legal limit, as much as they would let me leave the store with. Was there room in our freezer for 15 bags of edamame? Did it matter? There was room in my belly for 15 bags of edamame.

Last night I was starting our edamame ritual by boiling a pot of water on the stove when Leta casually walked into the kitchen with her pants off to inform us that she had just gone to the bathroom all by herself. Normally she wants us to go with her so she has someone to talk to, so I was a bit suspicious, especially since I hadn’t heard the toilet flush. Isn’t that usually a giveaway? Either that or the way the pages rustle and echo off the bathroom tile as your husband flips through Vogue?

“You went to the bathroom all by yourself?” I asked her.

“Yep, I did,” she answered.

“Did you flush the toilet?” I asked.

She hesitated having not considered that particular hole in her plot and answered, “Um… yes?”

So I walked around the corner to the bathroom, did a quick inspection of the premises and came to the conclusion that she was lying. Not the end of the world, but certainly behavior we don’t want to encourage. So when I returned to the kitchen both Jon and I sat her down and explained a few things about lying, that it’s a bad habit and causes wrinkles, and if she’s going to try to get away with it in the future she should at least make sure the evidence backs her up, am I right? If the dog ate your homework make sure you have a dog, you know what I’m saying?

“We can joke about that here,” said Jon, “but if you say that on your website people are going to take you seriously.”

“You mean people are going to think that we’re encouraging our daughter to lie?”

“Isn’t that what it sounds like we’re doing?”

“No, we’re encouraging her to lie successfully.”

“And when she does we’ll be so proud.”

  • Stacey

    Have to add I too had no clue what edamame was…google cleared that up real quick. I want to know how you say it!?
    Could you and Jon shoot a video to post saying it and preparing it properly for us dingbats??? PLEASE!

    Lying is soooo necessary and should be taught to all children, it rates up there with the “what goes on in this house stays in this house!” lesson. Extremely valuable lesson to teach. You don’t want her going to school repeating things, TRUST ME.
    The principal still looks at us funny when we pick up our youngest and it was our oldest that said it 5 years ago. I would tell you what “it” was but then I would be breaking my own rule.

  • Bee

    Successful liar = career in politics.
    Even trade off I would say.

  • I also noticed the purchase of large quantities of edamame, but didn’t find it odd as edamame is delicious.

    I love that it had to be discussed what people would think if you talked about the successful lying on here. Some people are much too literal for their own good.

  • Cormelia

    My first thought after reading this email was what the hell is edamame? My second thought was, boy is she going to get some nasty hate mail after this post! Can’t wait for those..

  • ana

    I’m one of the new people who saw the Fox13 promo. I am curious as to why people who are former members of the LDS church feel compelled to mock. I have a friend who left and can’t leave it alone. It just digs at her- why is that? The other odd thing is– why do people who have such little regard for God make taking His name in vain such a big part of their vocabulary? Just curious.

  • I can imagine those new readers gasping and clutching their hands together at the thought of teachingy our child the art of the well constructed lie.

    I love edamame too. I can never manage to finish the whole bag though.

  • Edamame is an important food group for farting so I encourage eating it. Wait, am I lying?

  • Heather-

    You, Jon and Leta are an amazing family and the family you have on-line just blows my mind!
    Love this post… Teach Leta to lie well and she may just grow up to be the greatest politician, lawyer… she may even become a great religious icon, at which point you’ll be able to proudly say that she burst forth from YOUR loins!

    To Emily(57)-

    What if Evil Monkeys from Outer Space scattered Plutonium 236 all over the place, wouldn’t you want to know it’s half-life (which happens to be 2.8 yr) before you went to the grocery store to buy some more edamame?

  • Okay, I so just tried edamame and I loved it. I am mad no one told me about it before. Something good for me AND I will eat it? That’s almost too much.

    In other news, lie WITH AUTHORITY and people will always believe you. I love throwing out strange statistics in conversations. People will believe it if you say it with authority. For instance, the sky appears blue because at that elevation the atmospheric pressure consists of 13% more hydrogen.

  • I didn’t see the 5 second clip on FOX 13. I can’t comment?!?

  • Ok, so the only thing I could think of during this post once we got to the “Leta lies” part was that old LDS commercial about lying. Did you have those? (I mean, do those commercials really make sense when EVERYONE around you is already CONVERTED?)

    “When you tell one lie, it leads to another, when you tell two lies…”

    Anyone else have these as a kid?

  • Bridget

    I don’t know that my mom directly taught us about the right way to lie but she did show my older sister the right way to toilet paper a house. I too am clueless about edamame. I like the suggestion of a post dedicated to just that. Pictures before preparation and after would also be helpful.

  • I was just hoping that you would have a link to the death by ill-fitting thong story. What a glorious obituary that would be!

  • Dyanna

    I wasn’t much of a liar but I was a REAL tattle-tale! Oh. My. God. It was bad. If I got in trouble for something, I’d bring everyone down with me and then get mad at people who didn’t get in trouble (because they weren’t doing anything wrong!)

    No one really told me it was wrong to do – Dont forget to give her the talk about that too!

  • Thank god “Circulation cut off by ill fitting thong” was not a link to an article about some poor soul.

  • Sarah

    I meant to drop you an email (although wouldn’t have got a response likely as you are too popular :), but when I read yesterday’s post, I was like, what the hell IS edamame (I even had to copy paste it here ..).. so glad you cleared up that you love it, now, off to google wtf it is?!

    BTW .. at the end of your post today, I was thinking, huh, they told what?! Right on – she will be thanking you in highschool :):)

  • may have to try the edamame…now that you have successfully gotten me addicted to Izze.

  • the Other Dawn (111): Those commercials rocked my world. The one with Alfonso Robiero as kid and the old man singing, “WHO BROKE MY WIN-DOOOOOOW?”

    Brink back the LDS PSAs, ASAP.

  • Sarah

    hmmmmm…no kidding?! who’d have thought edamame was Soybean? Is that a word only used in Utah?

  • Wow. There are people who not only don’t eat edamame constantly but don’t even know what they are.

    I am such a Californian; the receipt didn’t even make me blink.

    I do have to wonder whether I’d teach my kid to lie better, or just keep letting her shoot herself in her own foot. I’d probably do the latter, but my husband will do the former (“If you don’t wet your toothbrush, Mom will know you didn’t really brush!”) Guess we’ll find out in couple of years when our baby is bigger…

  • she can take lessons from my niece. four-year-old con-artist, that one.

  • Ann

    Listen, if Leta is going to tell stories – she needs to use-what-her-Momma-gave-her and tell ’em right. So, I say, teach that gal how to tell the tale correctly. She’s a dooce for pete’s sake! She has a lineage to maintain! ‘Nuff said!

  • Anonymous

    I love that you wrote “ill-fitting”. I used to work in Human Servcies. I tell people you can spot a mentally disturbed person because they all wear ill-fitting pants. Believe me, you’ll notice it next time you’re on the streets.

  • Guess we interneters are all the same. I saw ALL that edamame and thought (in addition to: yum) why so much?

    Glad someone else asked first. My to-do list is long enough. : ) And now we get to know why.

  • Heather, that girl is gonna be your death in about 10 years time.

  • My grandfather used to say this:

    “Never tell the truth where a good lie will fit.”

    I’ve been following that principle all my life and I turned out just fine, relatively speaking. No worries!

  • several people have said “it’s only lying if you get caught” but we used to tell my mom “it’s not a lie if we didn’t EXPECT you to believe us”! Then it’s just a joke, right?

  • I had to look this up too, thank you wiki.

    This made me laugh though:

    “Young soybeans in the pod are known as maodoujia (Chinese: 毛豆荚; pinyin: máodòujiá; literally “hairy bean pod”). ”

    Hairy bean pod? Isn’t that a scrotum?

  • Wow, what a great resource and the content is phenomenal! If you’re truly,seriously passionate about parenting,and specifically “teen” parenting, head on over to to see the magic!!!

    Thanks again for what you do.

  • oh heather, how i love thee.
    i want to put you in my pocket.

  • May

    Comment #82 – Hee. You said, “dethaws,” so I understand the running water freezes the pods even more?

    I have a ton of edamame in my freezer right now. I might just eat the whole thing tonight during my reality show lineup.

    Leta, once my mom lied to me when I was a kid about quitting smoking. But occasionally I would peek out of my window and see my mom standing off from the house, puffing away. I don’t know what was worse, the lying or the smoking.

  • Just another neophyte here too. But I didn’t have to “google” edamame because you commenter’s have answered the question. I think I will stick to microwave popcorn!

    Thank you Shannon for the link….really good article. My Daughter is twenty one now and I have to pat myself on the back…..she and I had some whopper fights and yes…she didn’t think anything of them even when I was an oozing, miserable puddle on the floor! To her it was “real communication”.

    Dooce……YOU ROCK

  • and this is why I love 🙂 Just. Awesome.

  • Andrea

    Ok, I was never an edamame fan until my boyfriend made hummus out of it… you may have discovered this already, but in the event that you haven’t you HAVE to try this, it’s really really yummy!

  • Lux

    How do you prepare edamame? I’m just curious because I’ve gotten them and just used the raw beans on salads.

  • ac

    My dad told me once he thought I was the best liar ever. Not because I was his daughter and not because I lie often, but because I was willing to deny anything and everything. The secret is to never give in…eventually you will induce enough resonable doubt. (i think this only works with parents though)

  • Anonymous

    I have a 17 year old daughter that just can’t seem to lie. I told her the other day that I am disappointed in her inability to at least be creative! Sheesh…I mean really, I am not telling her to lie, but at least don’t offer up the whole truth right away!
    When you know that grandma worries about you going places like the beach, when grandma calls you and asks you where you are, don’t say the beach!
    I can’t believe she is my daughter! I lied like no other when I was her age, and very rarely got caught I might add.

  • I am just relieved I’m not the only one who didn’t know what edamame was.

  • Lindsay

    Uhmm, no one here seems to know how to cook edamame…just put in the microwave for a few minutes 🙂 add some soy sauce and salt and you are good to go. Also add to pastas and soups 🙂

  • I am proud of you Heather, for allowing licorice in your cart. You are displaying tremendous inner strength.

  • Anna

    It actually made me crack up laughing when I saw your receipt because I just went to the grocery store with my friend Cristen and bought three bags of Seapoint Farm edamame (in the blue bag – lightly salted) and she looked at me like I was a little bit psychotic. But, oh my god, I ate an entire bag about two hours later. It’s the wonder veggie! I’m glad that there are people out there who share my love.

  • I wish I had parents like you.

  • Julia

    Lots of articles around recently on a study linking lying with a certain intelligence in kids. The ability to imagine a past that did not happen, create a coherent narrative for it, etc.

    First lie I remember telling was when my mother caught me hitting my baby brother as hard as I could (at 3 1/2 or 4 years old) while he was in his car seat on the floor. I wanted to make him go away, but when confronted, I told her I was trying to burp him like she did. Somehow she didn’t buy it and I got in trouble anyhow.

  • Kristie

    Costco sells edamame in convenient, individual sized, microwave-able portions. Poke a little hole in the plastic cover, microwave 2 1/2-3 minutes, salt and enjoy. Mmmmm…yummy. I have one container every day at lunch!

  • That’s funny that you wrote about this. When hubs and I were looking at the receipt, I said, “What the hell is edamame?” His response was, “I dunno. Some sort of yogurt or fish food, maybe?”

    Clearly, we have not been eating rockin’ round this house. And while everybody on here is making it sound better than chocolate chunk brownies, I have to tell you, Google’s description of it doesn’t sound too tasty. Certainly not good enough to mow through a bowl full while zoned out to American Idol.


    Love #27’s comment. Yes, yes, YES!!

  • Raising a stellar liar is just good economic sense. You’ll avoid spending all that bothersome bail money. 🙂

  • Well of course she didn’t flush – after that accomplishment why would you want to see it swirl off into oblivion? Plus you gotta be able to show the goods. Good intentions – just a question she hadn’t expected so she went for what she knew she SHOULD have done. Good girl!
    I must say I applaud you for using that opportunity to teach her some stuff she’ll need later!!!
    Making lemonade out of lemons once again 🙂

  • 1) Endamame is probably the most delicious thing ever.

    2) A co-conspirator is also helpful in telling a successful lie. Then you both have alibis. Hopefully she’ll realize this by junior high.

  • So Funny! Do you put lots of sea salt on your Edamame? that is the way I like it and the way they serve it at Sushi Rock, one of my favorite haunts. Mmmmm… Tornado roll sounds so good right now.

  • Leta is just giving you things for discussion on the blog. BTW, the photo of Coco yesterday (peed in the crate) was AMAZING.

    Welcome new readers!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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