An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

For all the new people visiting because they saw that five-second clip on FOX 13

Every night we have a ritual where we eat a pot of edamame and watch the national news. Yesterday after I posted a portion of a grocery receipt I got a lot of concerned email wondering just how much edamame we go through on any given day. And the answer is a lot, probably more than is safe, and if I die from eating too much edamame I hope they point out in my obituary that at least it was a noble food, that at least I didn’t die from some desperate sauerkraut binge. THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING. Right up there with CIRCULATION CUT OFF BY ILL-FITTING THONG.

On that particular trip to the grocery store, though, the edamame was on sale. So I bought the legal limit, as much as they would let me leave the store with. Was there room in our freezer for 15 bags of edamame? Did it matter? There was room in my belly for 15 bags of edamame.

Last night I was starting our edamame ritual by boiling a pot of water on the stove when Leta casually walked into the kitchen with her pants off to inform us that she had just gone to the bathroom all by herself. Normally she wants us to go with her so she has someone to talk to, so I was a bit suspicious, especially since I hadn’t heard the toilet flush. Isn’t that usually a giveaway? Either that or the way the pages rustle and echo off the bathroom tile as your husband flips through Vogue?

“You went to the bathroom all by yourself?” I asked her.

“Yep, I did,” she answered.

“Did you flush the toilet?” I asked.

She hesitated having not considered that particular hole in her plot and answered, “Um… yes?”

So I walked around the corner to the bathroom, did a quick inspection of the premises and came to the conclusion that she was lying. Not the end of the world, but certainly behavior we don’t want to encourage. So when I returned to the kitchen both Jon and I sat her down and explained a few things about lying, that it’s a bad habit and causes wrinkles, and if she’s going to try to get away with it in the future she should at least make sure the evidence backs her up, am I right? If the dog ate your homework make sure you have a dog, you know what I’m saying?

“We can joke about that here,” said Jon, “but if you say that on your website people are going to take you seriously.”

“You mean people are going to think that we’re encouraging our daughter to lie?”

“Isn’t that what it sounds like we’re doing?”

“No, we’re encouraging her to lie successfully.”

“And when she does we’ll be so proud.”

  • Forget the edamame, who the hell goes to the store and buys ONE yogurt?

  • Janis

    Please people, stop microwaving plastic!

  • Blogging conversations while eating edamame. Talk about modern family life. And here I grew up watching Father Knows Best change from a sport-coat to sweater, every evening on our black and white TV…

    Jon’s advice is good, btw. A blogging Golden Rule: Post on your website as you would expect others should post unto you. Or something like that.

  • kati

    Edamame Preparation:

    Pour approximately 1 inch of water in medium pot.
    Dump contents of one bag of frozen edamame pods into pot.
    Adjust heat under pot to med-high.
    Place lid on pot and let water steam/boil for about 5 minutes.
    Carefully drain water from pot. Place pods in serving dish. Toss pods with a bit of salt and soy sauce.

    To Eat:

    Keep 2nd empty serving dish nearby for shells.
    Place pod, lenghtwise, between teeth. Gently bite down and peas will pop out. Eat peas, discard shell.

  • She can become a politician. Maybe a Repulican and can make your parents proud.

  • kira

    I’ve decided that we don’t have edamame (and I had to copy and paste that, since for some reason I cannot even seem to spell it) in Canada because, for the life of me I have NO idea what it is.
    But since you seem to eat SO much of it, it MUST be good right??

  • You’re teaching your daughter to lie AND microwaving plastic now?!?!?!?! I can’t wait until you post the hate mail that you get from this one! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  • heather

    At least teaching them to lie well is HONEST. When I catch myself telling my 5 yo son that I have eyes in the back of my head. I mean, come on, that’s no innocent Santa deception people.

  • J. Bo
  • I have thought about entering myself into a “lying” contest. I can hands down lie about anything. And definitely have thought about the evidence to back it up. It is however sometimes a knee-jerk reaction, why did I lie, I didn’t have to lie, but it was fun, why is it fun…yada yada yada. I can honestly say, I don’t think I ever read a book or an article the way I read your blog. Word for word. You are an incredible writer.

  • sarah

    i, too, was concerned about the volume of edamame you consumed. “do they have high cholesterol??” i worried.

    so why did leta lie?

  • Kris

    Someone tell me what Edamama is and then I’ll tell you if I am concerned about your consumption (um no)…but seriously, what the heck is it?


  • Kim

    Kira – I am Canadian and you can get edamame everywhere here (mind you, I live in multicultural Toronto). Pretty much every grocery store, health food store and Japanese restaurant has it.

  • jen

    You have to teach Lete how to lie so she has a chance as a politician. Don’t break that dream of being President of the US for her.

    I noticed the large amount of edamame, too. I have to say I thought it was a bit of a strange grocery receipt…edamame, chex mix, and licorice? Hmmm.

    I am surprised by how many people don’t know what edamame is. I suppose that there are a lot of regions in the US lacking Japanese cuisine?

  • Erica

    Yeah, I must be really stupid cause I have no idea what edamame is. Guess i’ll be doing some researching just so I can feel like I understand…Ha! Great post. I’ve been coming to your site often. Got it from my brother, Brian, who sat by you at the Ryan Adams concert with his friend Paul. I’m glad he introduced me, because I absolutely love your blog! Oh, and I did see you on Fox 13 last night and I was like a little girl on Christmas…scary? I hope not. :o)

  • thmilin

    my first comment on your hallowed blog! the edamame was noticeable, but i just figured you people are really healthy and at least you weren’t buying chips. edamame is good eats, anyway.

    and YES, being a good liar is how you live life well. lying is a skill used by anyone, just like picking a fight, knowing how to yell effectively, or how to put someone down. of course, people will tell you you shouldn’t ever do these things, but living in a world of HUMANS sometimes it’s necessary. why not do them well, when they’re called for?

    don’t lie, unless you know what you’re doing. aka, learn to lie successfully!

    good on ya. just hope she uses her forces for good, not evil.

  • sheila

    FYI – Costco sells the ginormous bags of frozen edamame, a very economical way to get your daily fix. RE: lying – I just recently figured out that my daughter fakes sleeping – if I go in to check, she closes her eyes and lies real still until I leave. Haven’t been able to understand for months why she was always so tired in the am after (what I thought) was 10 full hours of sleep. Was kind of impressed at the ingenuity and skill that went into such a long-term endeavor.

  • My parents always said that I was too good a liar and it scared them.

    Now, I’d like to think that you and Jon were my parents in a former life and taught me well.

  • Oh my heavens!? Where did you get edemame 3/$5.00!?
    I MUST KNOW! please!!! 🙂

  • Kim K. in PA

    Love edamame. A little hard to find here in Western PA, but so delicious I savor it when I can get it. Also, what was it that Leta did that she felt she needed to lie? I’m very curious. Nasty people who don’t get humor can blow it out their ______ (bum).

  • Lying teaches children how to break the law without getting caught.

    That means less jail time. Good work!

  • PLEASE, PLEASE, PPUHHLLLEEEEZZZ share your edemame recipe. I have no clue how to cook it……..

  • Edemame! Yum!

  • How many times have I told the girls, “if you’re going to sneak into the freezer and get yourself a bowl of ice cream without asking, at least have the good sense to put it away and wash the spoon so your mother and I don’t know”

  • Am I the only person that had to wiki edamame or are there other Texans out there reading dooce?

  • God, what a great story. You always come up with the goods, Heather. Thanks!

  • Looking at that receipt, I just can’t get over how much cheaper your groceries are out there! I live in Iowa, the freakin’ bread basket of the US, and you won’t be finding deals like that, coupon or no.

  • Micah

    I teach middle school, and last week I had to teach my students how to misbehave when I’m not really paying attention to them. Step One: Don’t misbehave and immediately look at me to see if I caught you. It’s usually the looking that gets you busted. This is perhaps a skill to add to Leta’s repertoire in the near future.

  • Erik

    haha, I say, if your gonna lie, you might as well do it well

    The first time I remember lying was when my mom gave me rainbow toast, regular white bread dyed with a swirl of cornea-searing spectrum of food coloring. I wouldn’t eat it ’cause I was *convinced* it would taste different. I have no idea why I rejected it, doesn’t the average preschooler jump at the chance to consume food that is drowned in artificial coloring? Anyways, my mother went to the bathroom and I had the brilliant idea of throwing the toast away. When she came back I say ” All finished!” and she goes “Great!” and goes straight to check the garbage can and lying in plain sight was the toast. From then on whenever I threw food away I made sure to place it *under* a layer of garbage first. Lesson learned.

  • I saw your receipt and was immediately jealous at the sale price of that Edamame!! We love it here. Even my toddler loves it. Mmmmmmmmmm. Now, I need to convince my hubby that we need to have it tonight…again. 🙂

  • Kristie

    This post is not edamame or lying related, I already did that one… but I just discovered that my IT trolls at work have blocked blurbomat! I get a security violation if I try to go to Jon’s site. I just had to vent my frustration. If they block Dooce, I’m going on strike.

  • lola

    For those who don’t know how to say it, it’s:


    At least, that’s how we say it in Oklahoma!

    Also, I steam mine, and then cover it in Lawry’s Hot Salt. Gives it a little more kick than just sea salt.

  • I was just marvelling last night at how our children will be so much more advanced than we are and damn it if you haven’t proven me right once again!

    Thanks for your contribution to the future of our planet and for the water that sprayed out of my nose and onto my keyboard in response to this read.

  • I love your truthful and honest approach to parenting, she’s going to fully prepared for this world!

  • Tricia

    You’re not supposed to eat the pods? Huh. Wish I had known that before lunch with the hiring partner. 😉

  • This is a little over-the-top for me to admit, because I’m softly uptight and widely NOT OKAY with bodily functions…but I accidentally let one loose in my office. And, though short and not smelly at all, it was pretty damn loud. Since I’ve been back-tracking your entires [you are newly pregnant today, on my scale] and you’re stuck in my head a little bit, my first thought was, “Wow. Heather would be proud. I’m progressing. I was only a LITTLE embarassed about that. ..but mostly I thought it was hilarious.” And then I realized that I need to stop reading your blog.

    BUT I CAN’T.

  • I think Whoopi Goldberg relates a story about how she was supposed to clean her room after school and when her mom got home and asked if she had, she lied and said yes. Of course, all her mother had to do was walk a few feet to check. The resulting beating was not for failing to clean up, or for having lied, but for having told a lie so easily disproved.

  • In danish, “Edamame” pretty much means “God damn[something]” or “F***ing [something]” 🙂

  • Jen

    Hmmph…maybe if I eat that stuff in the quantities you do, i’ll be nice and trim like you?!

    If you’re gonna lie, lie right!

    Keep it real.

  • dewi

    A child her age who can lie has amazing intelligence. It takes a very sophisticated conceptual ability to lie.
    Did you know only gifted children her age can lie.

    Google that it’s true!

    Do not list “good liar” on her kindergarten application, even if it shows an advanced level of thought.

  • I love that you left comments open.

    My son tells us that his poops are huge and that he has to flush them so we can’t see how “awesome” they are. So we never know if they are magnificent or not.

    He also asks us why his hair looks so awesome everyday so who knows what his thought process is.

  • Any potty training tips? My 3 year, 3 month daughter is refusing. We’ve tried everything – sticker charts, cute undies, potty presents … nothing is working. Any advice truly appreciated. (Also – my husband attended your session and met you at SXSW – I was so jealous I didn’t get to go! He probably was one of the thousands of men at SXSW who met you and immediately said “my wife loves you!” And now he does too.)

  • Yeah, I had to Google edamame, too. Looks good!

    I wish my parents had taught me to lie well. I did stupid things like tell my class it was my birthday in January (it was my half birthday, and the summer birthday kids got jipped on the parties!). I had to stand up in front of my class and apologize. Pretty traumatic for a six-year-old! 🙂

  • I hear you on the edamame! The other day I discovered that the Uwajimaya in Seattle sells GIANT bags of it, and I made my boyfriend get one. He was skeptical that we could eat so much. I told him that we don’t have to eat it all at once, but realistically? I could.

  • Wendy

    Edamame is yummy and good for you and you can pop them out of the pod into your mouth, fun that popcorn doesn’t offer. I recommend sprinkling some Hawaiian Kine seasoning on it, particularly either original or sweet style…. let it sit for a day with the seasoning on it then eat, even better.

  • JennC

    I think you are setting a horrible example for your child and all the children of the world, including the unborn ones, and I’m not surprised one bit to find out that you feed Leta edamame and *****WHOA******

    Sorry about that…..channeling the Mormons again…..this has really got to stop……

  • Anonymous827

    When I was in sixth grade, I told my mother to come get me at 4:00pm because I had to go to the library afterschool. In reality, I had a detention.

    I got into the car, in front of the library because I was good at short-term planning, and promptly told her that I had found my missing lunchbag on the lost ‘n found table that had been erected in the hall.

    “Well, where is it?”
    “Oh, I forgot to get it because I was going to be late for my detention.”

    So, good on you for teaching Leta to lie, *correctly.* To this day, I am still harassed by my family.

  • Ms. Richelle

    Heather, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that Leta’s at least trying the potty thing! I don’t really, because she started after I left, but I totally feel like I had a hand in helping with that! After all, I am the one that showed her the Dora Potty. With Dora.

  • I can’t WAIT for the one idiot that takes the post seriously and sends in their idiotic rant on why Leta’s future is damaged because you are teaching her to lie. Because then you can retort that your just grooming her for a career in politics. Love it!

  • Cre8tiveGenius

    Hey up – thought you might get a giggle outta this, all the way from New Zealand (pronounced Nu Zeulund 😉

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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