An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Redder than red

My mother ended up keeping Leta overnight on Friday so that Jon and I could celebrate his birthday to the fullest, if you know what I’m saying. Interestingly, I have received a dozen or so emails from male readers of this site that said something to the tune of yes, sex is good, but it doesn’t come close to the iPhone. And then the signature of the email would say SENT FROM MY IPHONE 3G. Ladies, I think I just stumbled across our salvation.

It’s like, sweetie, I know how much you’d love to stand here and twiddle my nipples all day, but I overheard someone talking about a new application for the iPhone, and if you don’t hurry you’re not going to have ANY IDEA what all those guys are Twittering about.

(I just read those first two paragraphs to Jon to see if he would be comfortable with me publishing those details, and he suggested that maybe it was time he Twittered my nipples. I’m taking that as a yes.)

After my mother dropped Leta off Saturday morning, we talked only for a few minutes before she had to head back out. This is the usual interaction we have with my mother, and rarely does she stay for more than five minutes in our living room. At first I thought it was because she has ADD. But then I realized it was because she was looking at those five minutes in my company as five minutes she could have been using to conquer the world. Selling more Avon than anyone else on earth is not enough. There must be other records out there that she could beat, other scores she could trample. And now that she’s retired I get the feeling that all the avid bingo players in the world SHOULD BE VERY AFRAID.

After we hugged goodbye she headed out to our driveway to climb into her van, and then thirty seconds later she poked her head back inside our door waving our morning paper in her right hand.

“Here’s your liberal propaganda!” she said as she tossed the paper on the floor of our entryway.

That liberal propaganda is The Salt Lake Tribune, the less conservative paper of the two that are circulated in Salt Lake City. Less conservative meaning that inside it you might find an op-ed from a scientist that talks about how we might want to think about conserving water. Because, oh, I don’t know, we live in UTAH. A semiarid region. WHERE WATER IS NOT ABUNDANT. And then the following week you’d see an op-ed in the other, more conservative paper going THOSE LIBERALS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO HOSE OFF YOUR RIFLE IN YOUR OWN DRIVEWAY.

I wasn’t about to let her get away with that, so I ran outside, knocked on her window as she was about to back out of the driveway, and when she rolled it down I pointed out that this liberal newspaper? It endorsed George W. Bush for president. TWICE.

This is where I live. A place where George W. Bush is not conservative enough.

And that’s when she flipped me the bird. My mother, The Avon World Sales leader, waved her middle finger in my face. I sure hope she thought twice before she took the sacrament on Sunday.

  • Our newspapers in Oklahoma are the same – one is just slightly less conservative than the other (but that doesn’t mean it is more liberal)!

  • I can forgive your mom for flipping you off because her Ultra Conservative Mormon Jesus was lucky for me. 😉 Mormon Jesus may reconsider his generosity when there are Drunken Wii Olympic photos…

  • dooce

    ReCAPTCHA is having problems, making it nearly impossible to leave comments. Jon is currently looking into it. Stay tuned.

  • I like your mom. She’s a hoot. Except for the Mormon and Avon parts, I want to be just like her when I grow up.

  • wow. (about the iphone discovery also, but that is not what i am wowing about here). i am in awe of how you can live in a place that is so opposite your mindset. must feel a bit like being an alien. (not that being an alien is a bad thing)

    so i should keep telling all my friends here in NY that when they think they have any idea about what the rest of the country is thinking they are certainly dead wrong, right?

    if george bush is not conservative enough… wait that sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke.

  • Heather, having grown up (like you) in the deeply Southern Baptist regions to the east of Memphis, I totally get how George Bush can be “not conservative enough” for some people. That would be the reason I live in the Northeast now. ‘Cause in Knoxville, they’re shootin’ up Unitarian churches because they’re too liberal.

    I’m so glad your mom has enough of a sense of humor that she’ll flip you off, though. I expect that her middle finger is very well manicured.

  • I like to imagine the posts from the title alone– When, I saw “Redder than Red”, I was thinking of the South Park, where they give the dog “Red Rockets”. And then, I was imagine something along the lines of Chuck, and red rockets.

    I think I need sleep. Or margaritas. Or, a husband who will have sex with me.


  • My wife and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last weekend. What did we do? We celebrated to the fullest at a hotel out of town AND bought each other iPhones!

    Now if I could just get her to hose off my rifle in the driveway I’d be the luckiest man ALIVE!!

  • I just bought a new iPhone and I have to say that I can see where someone might think it’s better than sex. I have a feeling I would have trouble convincing my husband though. Maybe with enough persistence… 🙂

  • I’m saving up for an IPhone as we speak…I mean I love my husband but sometimes I just want some sleep! 🙂

  • Madness husband will NEVER KNOW that the IPhone EXISTS because there is NO WAY Madness will miss out on SEX for any reason, what so ever.
    And I too want to be your mom when I grow up.

  • jill

    and i’m betting that finger had a gloriously shiny, Avon-polished fingernail, adorned with a stylish, yet demure Avon cocktail ring. one only dreams of being flipped a bird so classy.

    and re: recaptcha—i thought i was losing my mind.

  • I wish Northwest Florida had newspapers or.. well… news for which to write. The big story this summer was a series of unsolved goat decapitations. Seriously.

  • This is got to be your funniest post in a long time. I’m laughing so hard right now and why is it funny? Because it’s true!

  • I love that your mom flipped you off . . . and that she considers a Utah paper part of the “liberal media.” HAH!

    Apparently Not Able to Read reCAPTCHA codes

  • I knew I liked your mom. Anyone over 50 who can comfortably flip their kid off is A-Ok in my book. Tell her and Rob hi for me sometime.

  • Ha! Your mom rocks! Oh, and I am going out to buy my husband an iphone right NOW.

  • dude – going out to get my husband an iphone RIGHT NOW.

  • I think our moms are related. My parents think I am “a left-wing extremist” because I flipped when my dad let my 6 and 8 year old shoot his gun. (I was not around, OBVIOUSLY!) All 6 and 8 year old kids need to join the NRA and start shooting guns, don’t you agree? And if you don’t you are a left-wing extremist. So I guess I am.

  • LolaBloom

    Speaking of world domination, how the heck am I supposed to succeed in that respect if I can’t achieve #1 commenter position here?

    I totally forget what I was going to say but in the spirit of Redder than Red….I’m redder than red from getting “The reCAPTCHA code you entered was incorrect” 48 times now. I’m about to flip you off too…. jk, nothing but luv for you H 🙂

  • Many, many people have that reaction to George W. Bush. Until I am presented with solid evidence to the contrary, I choose to believe that your mother’s middle finger was reserved for him.

  • I’m sorry… Was there more after the delicious bit of information that I can distract my husband with an iPhone? I couldn’t concentrate…

    ::searching for iPhone promo materials::

  • Priceless.

    I came from an ultra-conservative (Southern Baptist) background, have grown decidedly less so (on both fronts), and am in a similar situation it seems of having differing ideals than those I grew up around/with. Re-connecting with former classmates on Facebook is a rather amusing remdiner of this fact.

    Case in point: Today a guy I went to school with long ago, someone I haven’t spoken to in, oh, 13 years or so, left a comment on my Facebook page, saying “I see you’re a supporter of Barack. You can’t be serious?!?!?”

    I actually didn’t take this so much as “You crazy liberal, what’s wrong with you?” as “Wait, you did that as a JOKE, right?”

    I’m worlds apart from where I grew up. Seems you are too. Nice, huh?

  • meowsk

    That is hilarious! I think she may have earned herself a one way ticket to terrestrial heaven.

  • ma2one

    She would have a field day if you subscribed to the
    NY Times.

  • George Bush makes everyone want to fly the bird!

  • Priceless. I’m from Texas, so I can commiserate. Interestingly enough, I feel partially to blame for the current President (not that I voted for him for Gov. of Texas, but still, since I live here I do feel some responsibility, or at least guilt by association).

    This story kind of reminds me of my parents, who don’t really see what all the negative fuss about George Bush seems to be about. He seems like such a ‘regular, likeable guy’ in his speeches 😉 I wish they would flip the bird more often, however. It would certainly make them more entertaining.

    I do feel for you. I grew up being a bit of an ideological outsider in my former hometown in Texas, but at least we have the liberal enclave of Austin, which is exactly where I took my liberal butt after college.

  • Mothers are mothers. That’s all. 🙂

  • Ummm, the iPhone is not better than sex. Granted I can’t use my wife’s anatomy to locate a pizzeria via GPS or create a playlist of sexy song to NOT have sex to, but I can have sex with her. Man, I know married people are supposed to have less sex by law, but I never thought Apple would be a proponent of it.

  • Going from the Reddest of the Red, to a lovely shade of bright blue I can sympathize. I still feel the need to read the SLTrib each morning though. Have you read any of the regular commenters on there? Scares the shit out of me!

  • I would pay good money to see your mama flip the bird. That is some good times right there, boy!

    When Leta stays the night with The Avon World Sales Leader, does she come home all pink and smelly like Skin-So-Soft? Because that is how I imagine it.

    And, there have been times I have wanted to runble with your Captcha, greaser style, for not letting me post my comments.

    I need to be heard, dammit.

  • And this is why I can no longer read my hometown newspaper. The conservative-vs.-even-more-conservative arguments in the Letters to the Editor have me confused. It’s like watching a game of tennis where the competitors are on the same side of the net.

  • Anonymous 2 U

    Sadly no matter what the liberal Dems do it is never as horrendous and Crazy as what Republican have done,
    Nut job who killed people over the weekend in the name of hating liberals at liberal churches.
    Crazy world.
    At least you mom is not out killing liberals at church!

  • Conservative is as conservative does, I say.

  • Sounds like me and my social voyeurism could sit around and watch you and your mother interact for hours of entertainment.

  • I’m not sure Indiana even has a “less conservative” paper. So, I’m jealous.

    Has anyone tried the reCAPTCHA audio challenge? Up until ten minutes ago, I didn’t believe in demons, but I DO NOW.

  • Renee

    I don’t understand why so many women want to distract their husbands with iPhones. Our salvation? I happen to LIKE having sex with mine. A whole lot.

  • “Avoid obscenity… with rare exception, an obscene word is nothing more than a crude substitute for a better word. However, as with lying, there are some people who can get away with obscenity by employing t on the grand scale.”

    –Quentin Crisp and Donald Carroll, Doing It With Style (1981)

    I think the above also applied to gestures, and that you’ve inherited the ability to get away with grand scale obscenity.

  • It’s not just men. I told my husband if the iphone were a person I would leave him for it. I love it that much.

  • The week we moved back to NC in 1993, was during Clinton’s first months in office, when all the gays in the military/don’t ask don’t tell stuff was going on. Our local paper ran a front page story on the developments, with a sidebar box (above the fold!) titled, “What the Bible says about homosexuals.”

    Funnily, the op ed page is often filled with letters from people canceling their subscriptions because of the perceived liberal slant of it’s news reporting.

    FYI: Dearest Hubby is still waiting on his 3G to come in to replace his “old” iPhone (which will become mine *g*). Guess I should expect a dry spell soon…

  • Oh, man, your mom is a hoot. My mom, too, gives me the middle finger, but she does it on such a frequent basis, it’s lost all meaning!

  • Coming from Anchorage, Alaska (where I STILL think there are more Mormons than Utah), meowsk’s comment brought back fond memories: “That is hilarious! I think she may have earned herself a one way ticket to terrestrial heaven.” I can’t even begin to count how many times my friends must have said that about me!

  • vee-neck-tee

    i WISH my mom would flip me off when I dare to contradict her Republican conspiracy theories…instead, she forwards me crazy emails that PROVE without a reasonable doubt that 1. barack obama is part of a muslim conspiracy to infiltrate the american government from the inside, 2. said conspiracy has already been deeply ingrained in our public schools, 3. we are living in the end times, signified by the evil tomatoes whose DNA has been altered so as to last longer, 4. in the final moments of the end times, beings that are like the chupacabra will feast on our blood and souls and 5. the chupacabras are being bred by the liberal government. sigh. true story. please send your mom to hug me.

  • Mothers, GOD. Mine drank just 2 bottles of Georgian wine I was saving for when I was going to a dinner party. So I had to confiscate her vodka.

    Talk about red. We are a very Russian family.

  • brandy

    My man has an i-Phone and he still wants sex.
    What am I doing wrong? Should I stop shaving my legs?
    I mean it’s been 9 years!

  • jill

    OHMYGOD kelly — you are so right. the recaptcha audio test was scarier than most horror flicks. i kept looking over my shoulder to make sure the voices were only from the computer.

  • Brian

    So, the funny thing is that she probably used the same HAND to take the sacrament, huh?

    What’s an iPhone? And, why do you need it for sex?

    Newspaper Agency Corp publishes both the SLC Tribune AND the Deseret News. What do you think about that?

  • I love it when I irritate my mom to the point of her doing something irrational…for some reason when she tells me to shut up it’s the most offensive thing to me! I love it!

  • M@

    there are RED states, and then there are CRIMSON states.


  • Theresa

    My sweetie is used to thumbing my twitter, but hasn’t yet tried twittering my nipples. Thanks for the suggestion – I’ll have him put it on the agenda.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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