Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Redder than red

My mother ended up keeping Leta overnight on Friday so that Jon and I could celebrate his birthday to the fullest, if you know what I’m saying. Interestingly, I have received a dozen or so emails from male readers of this site that said something to the tune of yes, sex is good, but it doesn’t come close to the iPhone. And then the signature of the email would say SENT FROM MY IPHONE 3G. Ladies, I think I just stumbled across our salvation.

It’s like, sweetie, I know how much you’d love to stand here and twiddle my nipples all day, but I overheard someone talking about a new application for the iPhone, and if you don’t hurry you’re not going to have ANY IDEA what all those guys are Twittering about.

(I just read those first two paragraphs to Jon to see if he would be comfortable with me publishing those details, and he suggested that maybe it was time he Twittered my nipples. I’m taking that as a yes.)

After my mother dropped Leta off Saturday morning, we talked only for a few minutes before she had to head back out. This is the usual interaction we have with my mother, and rarely does she stay for more than five minutes in our living room. At first I thought it was because she has ADD. But then I realized it was because she was looking at those five minutes in my company as five minutes she could have been using to conquer the world. Selling more Avon than anyone else on earth is not enough. There must be other records out there that she could beat, other scores she could trample. And now that she’s retired I get the feeling that all the avid bingo players in the world SHOULD BE VERY AFRAID.

After we hugged goodbye she headed out to our driveway to climb into her van, and then thirty seconds later she poked her head back inside our door waving our morning paper in her right hand.

“Here’s your liberal propaganda!” she said as she tossed the paper on the floor of our entryway.

That liberal propaganda is The Salt Lake Tribune, the less conservative paper of the two that are circulated in Salt Lake City. Less conservative meaning that inside it you might find an op-ed from a scientist that talks about how we might want to think about conserving water. Because, oh, I don’t know, we live in UTAH. A semiarid region. WHERE WATER IS NOT ABUNDANT. And then the following week you’d see an op-ed in the other, more conservative paper going THOSE LIBERALS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO HOSE OFF YOUR RIFLE IN YOUR OWN DRIVEWAY.

I wasn’t about to let her get away with that, so I ran outside, knocked on her window as she was about to back out of the driveway, and when she rolled it down I pointed out that this liberal newspaper? It endorsed George W. Bush for president. TWICE.

This is where I live. A place where George W. Bush is not conservative enough.

And that’s when she flipped me the bird. My mother, The Avon World Sales leader, waved her middle finger in my face. I sure hope she thought twice before she took the sacrament on Sunday.

  • KK

    I can top that. I flipped off my 12-year-old son in church. Twice.

  • yeah I think my mom is the baptist version of your mom.

    If it doesn’t come directly from fox news or the Bible or my Aunt Judy, it must be lies, liberal spin and part of a nasty commie plot to make the world greener and immunize children

  • lostinutah

    “liberal propaganda”. Oh. MY. HEAVENS.

    At least it doesn’t have “Mormon News” on its website. That’s about as close as I can get while I’m still here in, well, I won’t say the nasty part, just Utah.

  • amanda

    Your stories of your mom make me laugh out loud every time.

    Mostly because I was an LDS convert living in Utah and I had to run very quickly from the church and Utah after 4 years of pure living and 1 year of hidden apostasy. Sometimes I actually miss those debates I used to have with my friend the Elders Quorum President. It was so entertaining watching him get flustered and his wife (my best friend) shake her head in amusement. Ahhh yes, good times.

  • i can see where you get your sense of humor AND your drive for valedictorianship! great post.

  • Ann

    Come on now, you KNOW you were totally proud of her.

    She better not have been driving an avon vehicle or you could totally call Avon HR on her – or at least threaten her with that.

    What’s with the new font? I’m not sure if it’s “dooce”, it’s so round-ish.

  • She was not flipping you the bird she was telling you G W Bush is Number One.

  • Me!

    This comment is being made exclusively for the purposes of experiencing the reCaptcha Audio Challenge…the comments about demons intrigued me. (And now that I’ve tried it, I must say that I agree completely! OMG, that was scary!!!)

  • Jasi

    My Grans is Republican ‘cos it’s trendy in her old chick clique. She’s super liberal on the insides and convinced herself GW is pro-choice. Ridiculous.

  • On something of a whim, an old friend of mine is moving to Salt Lake in two weeks… wonder if she knows just how conservative it is? Guess she will find out!

  • Christie

    Heavenly Father wants us to be free to hose off our rifles in the driveway.

  • I love the vivid portrait of your relationship with your mother. 🙂

  • Wow.

    That’s really all I’ve got to say.

  • First, I am not American or political. (Just so you all understand that my name isn’t about US pollies!!).

    Second, I am still coming to grips with American states and WHAT each state is in/famous for. Utah = conservative. I get it!

    Third, your mum sounds like a riot. A very handy riot (where babysitting and Avon products are concerned.) Does she read this??

    And finally, hahahahhahahahahahah!!! If my Mum flipped me the bird, I’d faint clean away.

    Thanks
    BB

  • Twitter your nipples. I swear to God, your husband and my husband could be long, lost twins.

  • Yeah, but what COLOR was the nail on the finger that so eloquently told you to go frak yourself and your newspaper too? Did it match her lip color? If not, she’s a big fraud.

  • i wish my mom flicked me off more.

  • dude, i love that you knocked on your mom’s window. like, she couldn’t just see you had something to say and roll it down before you got there?

    and i used to take the tribune, all the way up here in cache valley. but now i just read all my news online.

  • She flipped you off???????

    OMG, Heather, there is hope for her yet!

    Glad you and Jon had a great Jon’s Birthday!

  • what a mother.
    I’ve got one too.

    and I’ll take one iPhone for myself. Damn cool.

  • Anonymous

    Bush is a Republican that do not make him a republican much less a Conservative.

  • Heather you are a negative influence on the Avon World Sales leader…shame on you! 🙂

    Next thing you know she’ll be taking the Lord’s name in vain and looking for token Dem’s to vote for just so she can say she did!

  • I love that she flipped you off, that’s hilarious! She is seriously a riot.

    I grew up in one of the only liberal families in Logan, UT and your “analysis” of the Trib is spot on 😉 Just too funny…

  • Dar

    The Trib is liberal? I guess for Utah it could be considered liberal. Have you ever read the Weber Sentinel News (top of Utah)? I believe you have to have a recommend in your pocket just to comprehend the drivel. Aacckk!

  • dooce – excellent commentary about utah, but i’d like to point out to your readers that you live in SLC – the most liberal enclave of this state of ours. if its that whacky conservative in SLC, just imagine what it is like for those of us NOT there.. like up here in logan. agh.

  • You have not truly reached adulthood until you and your mother can freely exchange the bird with one another. Until then you languish in a state of extended puberty.

  • I agree with Caloden freely exchanging the bird is a rite of adutlhood between parent and child:) My only visit to Utah was to compete in a Venus swimwear competition, -luckily we weren’t kicked out of state!

  • Ron

    Ok…you want to talk about conservatism?

    Try Philadelphia.

    At least Utah knows it’s conservative.

    Philadelphia has GRANDIOSO delusions of openess, but what it really is…is a southern city in the north.

    How sad.

    And as Rocky once said, “YO’ ANDRIENNE!”

  • It’s SO the same situation for with my mom.

    We’re about to subscribe to the NY Times and are already planning to hide it when she visits.

    What children will do to put up with their parents.

  • My girlfriend’s wanted an IPhone FOREVOR…maybe “I” should be the one who’s worried!

  • While my mom won’t flip anyone the bird, she will inadvertently cuss & say the F word right in our midst and that’s when we have a field day…

  • pammyg

    Might I suggest: put a Darwin fish on the back of your car, sit back, and enjoy the ride!

  • If my mom ever flipped me the bird, I would burst an internal organ from copious amounts of laughter.

    And I’m in SoCal, so we have all kinds of liberal out here. Yay for choices.

  • Doesn’t Avon carry that really good mosquito repellent that makes you smell like botanical gardens? I’d like to get some of that if your mom will sell to someone who gets the Trib, which in my opinion, needs MORE liberal propaganda.

  • You have a choice of newspapers in America? I’m from Queensland Australia…we don’t get a choice. Our choice is a conservative press or illiteracy and living in a tree house smoking pot.
    Choice? This could spell revolution in our country…

    When my mum flips me the bird she’s usually driving straight toward me – not away from me.

  • maylo

    I waited a year for my contract to end so i could get the iphone.
    WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.
    Slow, and as a phone it SUCKS ASS. Half the time is doesn’t ring and dropped calls constantly..even in San Francisco.
    I say a good kiss and certainly sex is better than the iphone. Fo Sho.

  • Does anyone know if Heather will still autograph a copy of her book and send it back to you? (I’ll pay for the postage both ways)

    ‘Cause I’m getting it shipped to Australia so I can read it – yay!!!

    Love today’s post 🙂

  • Also – we have one newspaper in Newcastle, NSW, Austraila – where I live.
    I wish we had a choice between three! That would be interesting…

  • Elaine in the UK

    Heather, I’ve learned soooo much about America from your Blog!

    And I’m scared!

  • I can imagine my father saying something to that effect; in fact, he has made some quips about my feminist magazines that come eerily close to what came out of your mother’s mouth. Reading and knowing a tiny bit about Utah, I am happy to say that I don’t live there and being a crazy liberal, I don’t know how I would survive. I can imagine myself, behind the iron bars on the Utah border screaming ‘Let me out!’ As for Twittering nipples…Something I can definitely see me bringing up to the boyfriend, if he would Twitter; so far, his opinion on it is ‘waste of time.’

  • i don’t know how you can not go insane living in utah with the whole conservative thing.

  • Hayley

    Well apparently Jon and I have enough in common that we’d prefer the iphone to sex. In fact, in my panic to get one asap I almost risked never have sex EVER AGAIN. Let’s just say the line was long and painful and I had to promise several massages and one sided pleasures to make sure our relationship made it through.

    ANYWAY, I wanted to comment on the Daily Chuck! HOLY CRAP! I thought I was the only person on the planet that knew who the hell Kula Shaker was. Thanks for that little trip in time. Now I have to decided if I want to download it onto my new iphone 3g this morning. 😛

    You rock, as always.

  • Bahahahaaahahaaaa!!!!!

    I almost choked on my morning tea, this was hilarious. She sounds like my stepmother.

  • My god, girl. You make me laugh.

    Thank you for that.

  • Tara

    My dad is way less classy than the Avon World Sales Leader (he offers us fresh roadkill for dinner when we come to visit, and he’s only half joking), but they’d have a lot in common on the political front. I wish I had enough vacation time to go visit him before the November election, JUST so I could wear my Obama t-shirt and watch him explode. Maybe I could sell tickets to the show.

    And I must get my hubby an iPhone, if it has those kinds of magical powers. Momma needs some sleep.

  • l0vesummertime

    Cracking up right now, and sent the link to this page directly to my husband. He is one of those iPhone obsessed males twittering constantly, who I’m sure would trade in sex for the possibility of an iPhone. He’s “making due” with his iPod touch in the mean time…

  • Dooce’s Mom Rocks!

  • Your mom rocks… than Bush, more liberal

  • Hysterical! I forgot about the Tribune vs. Desseret News wackiness. I think I should send your mom the Burlington Free Press from Vermont then she could flip me off too.

  • We live in Alpine, UT – conservative – like, bland and bland with nothing on it. We too get the SLC Tribune which is almost blasphemous down here. We were just in Colorado vacationing and asked a neighbor to pick up the paper for us so as not to alert all the naughty teenagers in our neighborhood that we were out of town (you know, the ones who spray paint the word “dildo” on your garage door). I told the neighbor she could read it if she wanted. I’m certain she used tongs to pick up and dispose of it.

    I really love my neighbors – it’s fun being the lone non-member… AND, I’ve read “the book” TWICE. I’m good.